THEY told her who she was, where she was, that she’d been injured, and would be taken to the hospital. She didn’t need the reminder of who or where she was, her memory was working just fine, thank you. There was no need to tell her she was injured, possibly critically, when she could feel her body, sense what was wrong even if she couldn’t name it.
Of course, that was before someone pushed a needle into her flesh and sent her system cruising on a warm cloud of nothingness. Just because the drugs were good, didn’t mean she wasn’t aware of what was going on around her.
Hospital was the last place she wanted to go. She tried telling them, in as many ways as she could manage. Her body was unresponsive to anything she asked of it. By the time the drugs kicked in properly, all she could whisper was Saul’s name.
Caera knew Tess was with her. That was a comfort, but she understood what it cost her friend. She understood, because she paid some of the price herself. The hand that had clutched hers had been cold and clammy, trembling with anxiety.
“Well, fuck.”
Her heart lifted at the sound of his voice. Beneath the drugs, something inside her wanted to crawl toward him, to wrap herself around him and let him hold her until this nightmare faded away, until reality slipped back into place.
“Saul.”
Fingertips stroked scorching lines of heat across her damp face, gentle as butterfly wings. She yearned for more, to latch onto that warmth and bask in it. But she couldn’t move. Oh, she was aware of the straps restraining her, preventing her from moving and causing more damage to an already broken shell. But she couldn’t have offered her lover her hand if her life depended on it.
“We need to get gone,” a familiar voice snapped. One of the medics who had been with her from the beginning. “We’ve wasted enough time, we should have been gone ten minutes ago.”
Caera forced her eyes open, sensed them roll back in her head for a second as consciousness and drugs warred for control. Consciousness won, at least for now, and she stared up into a black sky filled with luminous silver stars.
The sky blinked. “Can you hear me, baby?”
“Yes. Saul.” Her voice was too quiet, couldn’t vocalize the feelings inside her, bring to life what she needed to be heard.
“Shush, don’t try to talk. They’ll put you in the ambulance now, okay? I’m coming with you, every step of the way. Just relax and everything will be okay.” He leaned over her, pressed his lips to hers. “Don’t be scared.”
“Mr. Danvers, if you’re coming with us, get your ass into gear.”
Saul vanished from view. Caera whimpered at the loss and then again when the gurney began to move. It juddered, rattling through her in a way she knew would have brought her to her knees in agony without the drugs.
They wheeled for what seemed like forever through the close, unnerving dark. She drifted uselessly, listening to the voices that swam in and out of focus. Then they burst out into cold, fresh air where flashing lights lit up the sky.
“Okay, Caera, hold on,” the medic said gently. “We’re loading you into the ambulance now, we’re going to try really hard not to jostle you.”
She didn’t care. Was beyond caring. She felt the bump and yes, the jostle, but with none of the repercussions. Mind and body no longer communicated effectively. Pain receptors were down, numbed by good drugs.
Sirens started whining but the sound was muted. She was surrounded by bright light, but it looked dull and drab. Unbearably tired, she closed her eyes and let the voices lull her.
“Stay with me, Caera. I need you with me.”
Don’t be sad. The words were there, only the means to speak them failed. Don’t be sad for me. I can’t feel anything anymore. And wasn’t that a killer. The only thing she wanted was to feel his hand on hers, to feed off his warmth and comfort.
“Keep talking to her, buddy. She can hear you.”
“You took a fall, baby, a bad one. It’s okay, you’re going to be okay. We’re on our way to the hospital and, lucky for us, I think our driver might have been an Indy 500 competitor at some point in his life.”
Her lips wanted to twitch. Her brain processed the order, denied it. It denied her anything but the ability to breathe. Something was wrong inside her, she sensed it without fully understanding it.
Life seemed to slow down around her, pulling to a crawl. Light flickered, grew brighter, then dimmed, brighter and faded. Coldness washed over her, burrowing beneath the warmth of the blanket.
All in all, she thought calmly, dying wasn’t as bad as she’d imagined.
* * * *
They lost her once in the ambulance; the medic fought for her life as though his own depended on it. Internal bleeding, he said, pulling blood away from the heart and putting pressure on her other organs.
Powerless, feeling ridiculously small and inept, Saul could do nothing but watch as the medic brought back a faint and thready pulse, then do everything in his mortal power to keep hold of it.
“ETA?” The medic’s nametag identified him as David.
“ETA three minutes,” the driver shouted back. “How we doing?”
“Not good. Get your foot down, Paul, she’s on the brink. Alert the ER they’ll need a surgeon and team on standby.”
Saul heard the words, couldn’t process them. They were talking life and death; the life and death of a woman he couldn’t live without. Not just Caera’s life hanging in the balance, he wanted to say. His life, their life was wrapped up so completely with hers that they’d all fall apart with the loss of her.
He wondered if the medics could feel the shroud hanging like a dark, foul curtain around the speeding ambulance. If they felt the wings of death shifting, gathering Caera in their embrace. He shuddered, wishing desperately he could reach out and touch her, wondering hopelessly if she even knew he was there.
Whether she was still in that battered body.
“Buddy, you need to be strong, okay?” David glanced at him, his sympathy evident in the sad blue eyes and cast of his mouth. “She’s not going to let go, you have to believe that. Be strong for her, have faith in her. She has too much to live for, right?”
Saul nodded. She had everything to live for, and somehow, everything seemed to want to conspire against her. Drag her down, beat her, crush her sensitive soul into dust. He knew Mac worried about Tess, about the suicidal tendencies she’d once lived through. How close she’d come to throwing her life away, several times, before Mac came into her life.
Saul knew he didn’t have to worry about that with Caera. Despite the ruined mess of her childhood, the perverted twist of fate in giving her sadistic parents and the resulting night terrors, Caera had only accepted her fate and settled back to watch her existence fade into nothing, along with her sanity and her body.
She’d accepted death; she hadn’t hunted it down and demanded it take her. He just hoped—prayed to any god who would listen to his desperation—she wouldn’t simply accept death now, but would fight it with all she was.
“David, get ready. We have a team on the dock.” The ambulance slowed and swung around before reversing quickly. The driver was out of the door before the engine fully stopped, and Saul heard him briefing the waiting doctors.
“Okay, buddy, you need to let us do the hard work now.” David moved fast, preparing to move the gurney as soon as the doors opened. “She’s in the best hands here. You’re down as next of kin?”
The phrase made him shudder. They notified next of kin when someone died. “Yes. Yes, I’m her next of kin.”
“Good. Someone will be along to talk to you.” David gave him a brotherly pat on the shoulder, brief but supportive, and then the doors were yanked open and what appeared to be half a hospital rushed to help.
Numb, Saul watched them wheel Caera away. Medical terms were snapped around, orders cast from doctors to nurses, and within seconds, Caera was gone. Out of his reach, out of his help. He sat on the back step of the ambulance and felt the world drop out from beneath his feet.
* * * *
“Six hours of surgery,” Tess mumbled, huddled into a chair in one of the family waiting rooms. Her skin carried a ghostly pallor, a physical symptom of her inner terror. Nothing and no one could coax her out of that place; her phobia was real and suffocating.
“You need to take her out of here,” Saul told Mac quietly. He was exhausted down to the bone, and grimly determined not to give in to it until he knew how Caera was. The hourly updates from the surgical team had started off grim; too much bleeding, trying valiantly to find the source, surgeons doing their best.
“I’ve asked her; she refuses to go until she knows Caera’s going to make it.” Mac’s face highlighted his concern for his fiancée. “I don’t know how much more she can stand.”
The updates had gotten better. They’d sourced the bleeding, a splenic rupture, and had opted to remove the spleen because it was too damaged to repair. Orthopedic surgeons were working on her broken arm and waiting for scan results to see about any other skeletal damage.
“Caera will understand. When she comes out of surgery.” Yes, when, that was a positive step forward, wasn’t it? “Caera’s going to be out of it for a while anyway. She’s not going to be happy if Tess is in the mental ward after having a nervous breakdown.”
“I know. Other than picking her up and carrying her out, I don’t know what to do.”
“Let me try.” Saul gathered what reserves he had left and walked over to Tess, noting the way she cringed as his shadow fell over her. He sat on the table beside her and touched her face with only fingertips. “Hey, sweetheart. I need you to do me a favor.”
“I’m not leaving.” Her blue eyes were huge and starkly terrified. She met his gaze for a moment and then fixed it back on the wall. “I’m okay.”
“No, baby, you’re really not. But the thing is, Caera’s going to need some things when she wakes up to make her feel better. Girl things, you know? Would you go with Mac or Dee and pack a bag for her?”
She trembled, a lonely leaf in a vicious storm, and shook her head. “I need to stay here. I can beat this. I can…this is what we’ve been working toward. She’s my best friend, Saul. What kind of friend am I if I leave her now?”
Saul altered his touch, cupping her face fully so she had no choice but to look at him. “She knows your limits, Tess. She’ll be so proud of you for sticking it out this long; we all are. But you’re hurting yourself by staying here when there’s something productive you can do away from this place. Go, take a break, take an hour. Pack Caera all the things she likes, and come back when you’re not strung out.”
Her eyes flicked over to her Dom. “Mac?”
“I want you away from here, Tess, even for a little while.”
She nodded and searched Dee out by the water cooler. “Dee?”
“Three against one, sweetheart. I’m not going to lie; you have us all worried, and we have enough to worry about with Caera right now.” Dee dropped her cup in the wastebasket and came over to crouch beside Tess, hand outstretched. “Why don’t you come with me, and we’ll do as Saul’s asked. He’s right, Caera’s going to need some things and there’s no point asking the menfolk to do it; they’re pretty useless.” She winked.
“You’ll let us know as soon as she’s out of surgery?” Tess murmured.
“Absolutely,” Saul assured and kissed her cheek. “Go on. Clear your head and let yourself breathe.”
Tess took Dee’s hand and he saw the relief shutter over her eyes at the contact. She’d been torn apart by her personal demons for an unspeakable amount of time, he realized, and felt a surge of pride for her strength.
Mac had one hell of a woman.
The two men watched as Dee helped her charge from the room. Tess was in caring hands, and if she needed to break, Dee would see her through it. Saul turned to Mac, gave him a long look. “Go with her if you want, Mac. You don’t have to babysit me.”
“Dee’s got her,” Mac said simply. “I’ve got you, just in case…”
“You can say it, Mac. It’s not like a part of me isn’t waiting for it.”
“It’s not going to happen.”
“It could. We all know it could. Any moment, someone in scrubs could walk in here and say, I’m sorry, we did everything we could but Ms. Hillcock’s injuries were too severe.” Saul rubbed his hand over his face tiredly. “Do you know what it feels like, knowing our time in the fucking ambulance could have been our last? I didn’t say goodbye, I didn’t say I love you. If she dies, Mac, my last words to her were meaningless.”
Mac grabbed him by the shoulders, shook him hard. “Do you believe she’d have made it this far, held on this long if you’d said goodbye to her?”
“No.”
“Then shut the fuck up and figure out what you want to say to her when she comes out of surgery.” Mac pushed him into a chair and began to pace. “She’s going to need you. Not just physically. Being in here with her medical anxiety—I know she’s not as bad as Tess, nowhere near—it takes its toll. You need to rest and eat, otherwise you’ll be no good to her at all.”
“I know how to take care of myself,” Saul snapped indignantly.
“Yeah, you do. But you haven’t had to under these circumstances; I have. Forgetting to look after yourself becomes easy when all your focus locks onto someone you love, making sure they get everything they need.” Mac stopped pacing and sighed. He ran a hand through already tousled hair and shook his head. “Dee, Tess, and I are at your beck. We’ll take shifts. Don’t argue with me,” he said darkly before Saul could make a sound. “We’ve discussed it, we’ve agreed on it. Get used to the idea.”
Saul bit back the urge to snap and snarl. It would do no good to vent his impotency in the situation out on his friend, or biting the hands offering to help. So he said the only thing he could. “Thank you.”
Mac smiled and chuckled. “You really want to say fuck you, but I understand where you’re coming from.”
And like that, the tension slipped away. Saul closed his eyes and counted minutes away in his head as companionable silence filled the room. After a while, he lost track of time and slipped into a half-doze, his body crying for respite, a chance to recharge.
Caera came to him then, whole and healthy, a smile on her pretty face and her eyes alive with love and mischief. She took his hand and pulled him from the chair, drawing him into a dance where only the two of them existed. Not an inch remained between them, they were pressed so close. Close enough for Saul to feel the warmth of her, the shape of her, smell her scent on her skin.
“I missed you,” she said, whispering against his chest. “Did you miss me?”
“Every second. Part of me is lost. Floundering. It belongs to you, and without you, I’m not who I’m supposed to be. You make me the man I’ve always wanted to become.”
“Whatever happens,” she said sadly as they rocked together, “you’ll never be without me. If the worst happens, you need to know you were the best thing that ever happened to me. The only person who mattered. The only man I ever loved.”
“The worst won’t happen, Caera.”
“It could. It might. No guarantees for any of us, Saul, no matter how hard we wish there were. Just know I love you. Beyond life, beyond death, beyond whatever comes after that. And I want you to know, need you to know, two things.” She flickered like a bad TV signal.
“Caera.”
She stepped back a fraction and set her hands on his cheeks, much like he’d done to Tess. Her green eyes were vibrant, alive, and so very sad at the heart of them. “The first thing. At the end, at the bottom of the stairs…there was no pain from that moment on. Not that I can remember. You need to know that. Don’t think of me in pain, or torture yourself thinking I suffered. I didn’t, I promise.”
Tears choked his throat. He tried to grab for her and his hands passed straight through her flickering form. Yet the hands on his face were solid and real. “Don’t. Don’t do this. Don’t say goodbye.”
A silver tear slipped free, slipped down her face, leaving a trail of light along its path. “Second thing. Maybe this is the most important of all, aside from I love you. What happened was not your fault. I won’t have you taking the blame if things don’t work out like we hope. If I die, there’s a reason for it. Call it my time, say it’s God taking his angel home, whatever. But there’s a reason behind everything, Saul.”
She flickered again, longer this time. “Caera, please.”
“I love you, Saul.” Her mouth pressed to his softly. “I love you.”
“Saul, wake up. Wake up!”
He bolted upright from his slouch in the chair, cheeks wet and Caera’s name a plaintive cry. Hands pulled him up, yanked him into a broad chest. Strong arms banded around him, held him in a bear hug as he wept. Sobs that wrenched the heart out of him, tearing away the walls he’d erected to keep his fear and grief at bay.
“That’s a lad. Let it out now. Just let it all go.” Mac’s voice was a low rumble, emotion thickening the words. “It’s going to be okay. There’s a lad.”
“Mr. Danvers? Saul Danvers?”
He couldn’t breathe for the anvil sitting on his chest. Pressure crushed him from all sides. He drew in a ragged breath, felt it scrape his throat and burn his lungs.
“Mr. Danvers?”
Mac let him go, easing him back into the chair, and Saul saw a figure in green scrubs standing hesitantly in the doorway like an angel. He nodded, exhaled slowly. “Sorry. Sorry, yes, that’s me.”
The figure came into the room, moving gracefully on light feet. He saw it was a woman, about five-five in her sneakers, with red-blonde hair tied back in a long ponytail and soft, tired gray eyes. “I’m sorry to disturb you. I know this is a difficult time.”
Are you about to make it worse?
“Do you mind if I sit? It’s been a long few hours.”
“Oh. Of course, I—” He looked around blankly. “Can I get you something?”
A semblance of a smile touched her lips. She was young, he realized, younger than himself. Late twenties maybe. She took the chair beside him and glanced at Mac. “Are you family?”
Mac nodded and stood at Saul’s shoulder like a guard. “Ian McAllister. I’m family to both Saul and Caera.”
She sighed. “I’m Doctor Valentine. I’m the surgeon who’s been operating on Caera.” She sighed again, rubbed her eyes. “She came out of surgery a few minutes ago. She’s stable and she’ll be in intensive care for a few days. She’s had a rough time, I’m afraid; we lost her twice on the table before we found the source of the bleeding.”
Saul felt his stomach pitch.
“The fall down the stairs ruptured her spleen, quite badly. We assessed the damage but several attempts to save the organ failed; we decided to remove it in the end. Caera lost a lot of blood, and she’ll be weak for a while. She’ll need injections in about two weeks to help her immune system.”
“She’s alive?” Saul managed.
She flashed him a smile. “Yes, she’s alive.” She reached out and laid her hand on top of his in reassurance. “Once we removed the spleen and stopped the internal bleeding, we had no more problems. Scans have been taken and although she has concussion, we found no significant damage to her spine. Mainly bruising, which will heal. We’ve stitched up several small lacerations. Her arm has been seen to by our orthopedic team and is in a cast.”
Oh, thank you. Thank you, thank you. Saul wanted to kiss the surgeon, high on the crashing wave of relief. “When can I see her? Take her home?”
“Let’s not jump the gun,” she said kindly. “Caera has been taken to the recovery unit for monitoring until she comes around from the anesthesia. I can let you in for a few minutes, but only a few. She’ll be moved to intensive care once we’re happy with her progress. I will warn you, she won’t look like what you’re used to. The bruising and swelling is quite extensive around her face. She will be here for no less than ten days, I’m telling you now. After that depends on how she heals, infections, problems that could arise.”
“Problems?” Mac asked suspiciously.
“Any surgery, however well performed, has its risks. I’m satisfied she’ll be well on the way to a quick recovery if she does as she’s told, but nuisances do pop up.” The doctor smiled reassuringly. “She’ll have the best aftercare we can give her. I wouldn’t worry. The main thing is, she’s alive. She’s a very lucky young woman.”
Saul slumped in his chair. Caera was alive. He hadn’t lost her. “Will she be in pain?”
“Yes,” was the simple, honest answer. “But she’ll be given a good dose of morphine, available to her through an automatic system she controls with a button, for the first few days.”
He hated thinking of her in pain. He couldn’t take it away from her, suffer through it for her. He’d gladly bear the burden of it all if he could. “Thank you. Thank you for saving her life.”
Valentine patted his hand and smiled gently. “It’s my job, and I’m good at it. Moments like these make the hard times worth it. Now, I’ll go tell the nurses you can see her in about half an hour. Five minutes is all you get, then you should go home and get some rest. She’ll be under for a good few hours.”
There was nothing much left to say. Saul was vaguely aware of the doctor getting up, of Mac walking her to the door and murmuring to her. But his mind focused on the repetition of she’s alive, she’s alive, she’s alive running wild in his head.
“She’s a fighter,” Mac said brightly when he came back to sit next to Saul. “Injuries heal and so will hers. She’s just going to be fragile for a while.”
“She wasn’t exactly a gladiator before,” Saul said with a weak smile. His body wanted to collapse, to surrender to exhaustion now that the crisis was over. “Do you…do you think she’ll know I’m there?”
“Never fear, lad. I think she’ll know a lot more than she lets on. Now, let’s get you to a bathroom and cleaned up. I’ll call Dee and update her, make sure she fetches you some unbloodied clothes to change into. You ruined the suit,” he noted with a sigh. “Shame. Was a damn good suit.”
“Was damn well worth ruining it,” Saul shot back and got to his feet.
Mac’s grin was feral. “Aye, lad, that it was.”
* * * *
She was pretty sure she was dead. All the signs pointed to it, those she could see and comprehend. Every time her eyes fluttered open for a few seconds, she saw only white. Not that she could focus on anything; her system was a mess of confusion and odd numbness. Nothing wanted to work; she just faded in and out of consciousness.
When she tried to break the barrier of this limbo she was stuck in, it resisted, holding her firmly in no man’s land without difficulty. She had a vague thought that maybe she was in purgatory. Died and gone not to heaven or hell, but in this lifeless, lonely prison.
Yet her heartbeat resonated in her ears, slow and steady. She felt her chest rise and fall in measured breaths. Surely one didn’t breathe, didn’t have a pulse, in purgatory?
“You’re doing great, little one. I know you can hear me.” A strong, familiar voice penetrated the soft silence. “The doctors are happy with how you’re coming on. They’ve told us it shouldn’t be long until you’re conscious.”
Mac, she realized. Not dead, then, not unless something awful had happened.
“Saul’s going to be here soon. He’s refused to leave you since they brought you here, so I had Dee strong-arm him home for a few hours to get some sleep.” Mac chuckled lightly. “Pissed him off, let me tell you. The man is up to the neck in love with you, Caera. Don’t forget that.”
I won’t. I won’t take him for granted, not when I came so close to never seeing him again. Caera flailed weakly against the barrier, gave up with a sigh. She drifted on the darkness inside her mind for a while and then opened her eyes to the white.
This time she could make out vague shapes. A window, a chair. The outline of her body under the sheets. A silhouette, tall and lean. She could almost feel the human connection of its hand grasping hers.
“I know you’re in there, sweetheart. The drugs have you contained, which is good. None of us want to see you in pain, but it’s inevitable. For now, for the worst of it, the morphine will keep you comfortable.” Dee’s voice was hushed, gentle. “Everyone’s okay here, just so you don’t worry. Mac and Tess have taken Saul to get some food. He needs to eat and Tess needs some time away from up here. You’ll be so proud of her, Caera. She’s pushing her own limits so she can stay here with you. It’s a high price to pay but she’ll be stronger because of it. All we need is for you to come back, and life will be as it should.”
Caera willed her mouth to work, to form words, to do something. But it wouldn’t cooperate. It was bloody frustrating. Did coma patients experience this same restrictive consciousness, she wondered, or were they just vacant from their bodies? God, she hoped they floated off somewhere and weren’t trapped in this hell.
She slipped away again, clinging to the sensation of having a hand touching hers. A reminder of what she was, what she wanted. Touch, feeling, connection.
Pain erupted through her the next time she surfaced. Deep, agonizing pulses of it. She writhed, shattering the barrier that held her in its peaceful cocoon, then wished she could crawl back into its silence, away from the savagery of pain.
“She’s awake!”
Hands grabbed her shoulders, held her down as her back arched in resistance. Her eyes popped open, scanning the room as a low, keening moan ripped from her dry throat. She saw her world clearly now, and nearly vomited from comprehension.
Tubes snaked from her arms, from her nostrils. Machines declared war with high-pitched angry beeps. More tubes snuck out from under the covers.
“Press the button, Caera. Press the button and the pain will stop.”
Saul. Her eyes jerked toward his voice, latched onto him with gratitude. Her lifeline, her love. She watched his hand trail down her arm, position her hand around a narrow little box, and set her thumb on a button. A tiny green light glowed steadily next to the button, and when Saul made her hit the raised bump, the light disappeared.
The pain eased and then went. “What?”
“Hey, baby. Hey.” Tears welled in his eyes as he leaned forward and kissed her. He had nearly a full beard of bushy black covering his face, and his eyes were bloodshot and tired. “Not a lot of time, Caera. The morphine will knock you out quickly. When you come back around, if you’re in pain, press the button. Do you understand?”
Not really. Her brain was fuddled, her senses on overload after such a long period of time in deprived existence. She nodded once and mewled softly as the drugs eased her back beneath the barrier.
“I’ll be here when you wake up, baby. I love you.”
The last thing she felt before she disappeared again was his skin, warm on hers, and the tenderness of the kiss he gave her. She smiled to herself, content.
She wasn’t dead, after all.