INSIDE HER ROOM, CAITLIN buried her face in a pillow and let out a scream. There was so much to sort out, so many things swimming around in her head, drowning her. She needed to focus, stay afloat. First on the agenda was this incessant daydreaming about Kyle Conrad and the evidence that it would never be anything more than that. He had touched her hair, but then seemed indifferent to her. He had smiled at her, but then winked at Amanda. He’d asked her into that hallway, but how many others had there been before her? All of this needed sorting. She needed time, and space, to relive each moment, to comb through each event in her head and somehow come to a conclusion so she wouldn’t go mad. Then there was the problem of Amanda Jamison and how easily she could take away the surprising social elevation she’d bestowed upon Caitlin. Would it last? Could she make it last, or would she piss it all away with another move like puking in kindergarten?
Plopped on her bed in a heap of nerves and a wrenching stomach that would not be placated, she clung to the pillow and closed her eyes, letting it take her to the only escape she had. Kyle Conrad, towering over her, broad shoulders, tanned skin, blue eyes. He walked like he would never have a worry in this world. Not ever—over a job, a girl, or whatever it was a person like Kyle could afford to desire. Kyle was a mystery, but that did not concern her so much as the burning desire to attach herself to him, hitch a ride on the golden road he was surely headed for. He had been a vehicle, a task she needed to perform to adhere herself to Amanda and the new life the girl had given Cait. But something shifted in that hallway, something had been ignited, and now Kyle Conrad was that life.
She sighed hard, breathing in deep the anguish that filled her room, and wondered how long she could take any of this.
There, she said to herself, entering the imaginary world that was all about him and nothing else. There he is. There I am. The world is frozen around us. He kisses her hard, then pulls back, sending a message through his eyes. This is what he wants, and he will have it. And her doubts, the ones that kept sneaking in like thieves to loot her deepest desires, are suddenly irrelevant. The world is frozen. He removes her clothing, calmly and with clear intention. He is not subjected to the mortal failings of emotions. There is something calculated. His control is absolute as he lays her down.
It was sweet, the abandon she felt in her most secret fantasy, running across her shattered nerves like a soothing balm. That it was often followed by disgust and self-loathing was no longer an impediment, as she could hardly feel any worse than she already did. Could she not have, at the very least, these few minutes of peace?
She heard the blip on her screen and pulled herself from the bed, the pillow, and the other world she had let herself run to. There was a message from one of the many Web sites she had found. It was a new entry from someone she didn’t recognize. Totallyfkd was the screen name, and it had her instantly intrigued. She clicked on the link to pull up the entry, and the words dragged her in like a tornado’s vortex.
Totallyfkd: Help! Need advice! I’m so fucked. Anyone there?
Caitlin paused for the briefest of moments before responding.
Cbow: I’m here. What happened?
Totallyfkd: Thank God! Who are you?
Cbow: Cbow.
Totallyfkd: Right. Duh. I mean who are you—girl, boy, old, young?
Totallyfkd: Not sure I want to tell a stranger.
Cbow: Maybe that’ll be easier. Nothing you tell me will ever get back to you.
Totallyfkd: OK. Totally anonymous then. Here goes. I lost it last weekend with this guy I really liked and he hasn’t called. Prick. I feel like I wanna die. Maybe kill him first (ha). Why would he do that? Why fuck me at all? He can have anyone he wants and I’m a nobody—really I am.
Cbow: Maybe he will still call. Why do you think you’re a nobody?
Totallyfkd: I am. Trust me. I’m so stressed this year my ass is as big as Texas. All I do is eat. Senior year is supposed to be the greatest. And my parents suck more than ever.
Cbow: I can relate. And I’m sure your ass isn’t the size of Texas.
Totallyfkd: Maybe Rhode Island. I hate my parents. It’s like I’m a little trophy and they can’t wait to get me into Smith so they can hang my head on their wall, all stuffed and puffed like the last thing I saw was their gun pointed between my eyes. Fuck. And I thought this guy really cared about me.
Cbow: Maybe he does. How long have you gone out?
Totallyfkd: What planet are you from? We never went out. We just fucked. And I waited til senior year for the right guy. He’s amazing. Do you think there’s a chance he’ll still call? Is there some three day rule on fucking and calling? I swear to God, if he doesn’t, I don’t know. . . .
Cbow: I don’t know either. Haven’t been there yet. Maybe you just have to wait till you see him again? Like a party or something . . .
Totallyfkd: Wait. . . . Can’t wait! I feel like I’m drowning. Life feels like a big fucking nothing. Sorry to keep saying fuck all the time. I hope I haven’t upset you. It makes me feel better. I’m probably on some terrorist watch list now—kids trying to destroy the world with the f word.
Cbow: You’re funny. I think he’ll call you. And if not, at least you got it over with. Now the next time won’t be such a big fucking deal. I like saying fuck too . . .
Totallyfkd: Just don’t know how to stop feeling this way . . . like I can’t even breathe without him . . . like I won’t survive if he never touches me again . . .
Cbow: But you did survive before he touched you, so you must be able to. You are lucky to be a senior. College could be a whole new world and this guy a distant memory.
Totallyfkd: Do you really believe that?
Caitlin read the last entry again and again. It provoked her from the inside out, this girl’s story. Yes, she thought, that’s what it feels like—drowning slowly in the quicksand of your own life. Could she survive if she never felt Kyle’s hand against her skin again?
Cbow: I don’t know. But it feels better to talk about it. Wanna hear about my guy?
Totallyfkd: Yeah, I do.