Cbow: It’s cbow, are you there?
Totallyfkd: Hey. What’s up?
Cbow: Nothing. Just hangin.
Totallyfkd: How was turkey day?
Cbow: Sucked. But I made it. Five days!
Totallyfkd: I know. Now we have finals. You?
Cbow: Same. Right before break. Are you going away?
Totallyfkd: Yeah—St. Barts. Can’t wait to get outa here. My mom’s practically having an orgasm over Smith so I’ll get to party as much as I want. Ever been?
Cbow: Yeah. We go in March. We go to Florida after xmas. Just wanna sleep. Can I ask you a question?
Totallyfkd: Course.
Cbow: It’s personal.
Totallyfkd: OK.
Cbow: I keep thinking about that guy you did it with. I keep thinking about my guy.
Totallyfkd: About DH?
Cbow: Yeah. DH.
Totallyfkd: You wanna know what it was like?
Cbow: I guess.
Totallyfkd: Hard to write about it.
Cbow: Then don’t. I shouldn’t have asked.
Totallyfkd: No, it’s OK. It was kinda like getting high, except it hurt—no way around that. It hurt and it was over so fast I never got to the part where it’s supposed to feel good. The worst part was I knew I shouldn’t be doing it, like I knew the whole time he was going to fuck me over and I’d feel like shit after, but it felt good anyway—in my head it felt good. Does that make sense?
Cbow: Like it feels so good to be bad. I feel like that all the time now. After doing the OC and the whole thing at the party. Totally creepy but I can’t stop thinking about it. Can’t stop thinking about DH. Am I one of those messed up people who’s gonna end up on heroin or cutting myself with little medical tools?
Totallyfkd: I dunno. I mean—NO! No cutting, please. Gross.
Cbow: I can’t stop thinking that he’ll suddenly start liking me but knowing he won’t. But if I don’t let myself believe it I feel like killing myself. Like there’s nothing without that hope.
Totallyfkd: Be careful Cbow. I knew the guy I lost it with was a shit. I knew it! But I kept thinking maybe I was wrong. And I couldn’t help it. Like I was totally addicted to my own self-destruction.
Cbow: That’s what it is. Addicted to self-destruction. I really hate myself sometimes.
Totallyfkd: Do you really hate yourself?
Cbow: I must. Why else would I do these things?
Totallyfkd: If it helps at all, I like you.
Cbow: Thanks. It helps a little. I gotta go.
Totallyfkd: OK. Just promise me one thing, as your elder and everything (ha).
Cbow: What’s that?
Totallyfkd: Think about what happened to me. I would take back those few minutes to not have the days and days of feeling like this. He’s like my love heroin now, now that I’ve felt his body on mine.
Cbow: Yeah. That sucks. I’ll try to think about what happened to you.
Totallyfkd: Promise?
Cbow: Promise.