“MAKE THAT TWO,” AMANDA said over Cait’s shoulder.
School was done, finished for eighteen days. They had faced final exams in four subjects, concluded the squash season with a second-place finish in the regional division, and endured the mandatory holiday concert in which they sang “holiday” songs about dreidels and Santa, with no mention of anyone’s god. This was the night, the last night that they would all still be in town before the private jets fueled up and whisked them here and there for family reunions and vacations. Cait was staying put until the day after Christmas, but Amanda was leaving the next morning for Colorado and would not return until after the new year, making this Cait’s last night to have a social life. With skillful precision, Amanda had remained Cait’s gatekeeper to the rest of the circle of friends, and without her, Cait would be shut out entirely.
“Make mine skim,” Amanda ordered to the Starbucks barista. Then she turned to Cait. “Fucking Colorado. Just shoot me now.”
Cait grabbed the white paper cups loaded with sugar-free chocolate, sugar-free whipped cream, and the slightest hint of coffee and followed Amanda to the tables in the back, where a dozen of their peers had gathered. “No one’s around anyway. It’ll be dead. I already feel like a loser.”
“I thought you were going to West Palm?”
They sat down on the arms of oversized chairs, which were already overflowing with plaid-kilted bodies.
“Not until after Christmas. I’m here for a week.”
Amanda took a sip of her drink, then ran her tongue over her lips to remove the whipped cream that had gathered. “I know someone who’ll be here,” she said, winking.
“Who?” Cait could feel the energy just from the way Amanda had said those words, and her hopes were confirmed as she followed Amanda’s eyes toward the long line of customers waiting to order their bar drinks. It was there she spotted Kyle Conrad.
“Kyle?”
Amanda leaned in and whispered. “I heard they’re in town the whole vacation.”
Cait raised her eyebrows. “All of it?”
Amanda nodded, and they shared a look of silent understanding. No one stayed in Wilshire for the whole break unless they were unable to afford a trip. That was a given, and it made sticking around somewhat humiliating. That the Conrads were in such a position meant they were in a tight spot. A very tight spot.
Maybe that’s why he was here, alone and headed toward them. But Cait didn’t care about reasons, only that he was, in fact, here and that her head was now spinning with the kind of euphoria she knew was going to get her into trouble.
“Hey,” he said to the small crowd. It was mixed tonight, some ninth-graders, some tenth. Kyle was one of only three juniors, and his presence was instantly recognized.
“What’s up?” he asked.
He took a seat across from them on one of the bar stools, and this seemed entirely appropriate to Cait, that he remain above them all. Whatever it was he had over her, it was determined, and she was not fighting it tonight. She pretended not to notice him as the conversations carried on. From one topic to the next, there were loud bursts of raucous teenage laughter, the occasional spattering of the word fuck, and exaggerated hand iterations—all of which were meant to draw attention and differentiate the young, irreverent free spirits from the older folks who came into Starbucks for a legitimate caffeine fix.
It lasted over an hour before small groups began to disperse. Some were walking down the street to catch a movie. Others were heading home to pack. Those who couldn’t drive were at the whim of those who could, and so when Amanda’s ride decided it was time to leave, Cait had no choice but to get up and follow.
But that was not the end of it.
“Hey, wait up.” It was Kyle, and he was actually racing to catch them at the door.
Amanda smiled. “Hey.”
Kyle ignored her. Turning to Cait, he gave her that look—the one she’d seen the night of the school dance. The one she’d seen since but never directed at her.
“I’m headed out your way. Need a ride?”
“Headed out to the backcountry?” Amanda was suspicious and not about to let Cait have her moment.
“Yeah. I am.” And that was all he said. He didn’t owe Amanda any explanations, and Cait didn’t want one. There was no reason for him to be going near her estate except to drive her, and the thought of that felt like Christmas was coming early.
“That would be great. Thanks!” Cait said. She felt suddenly right, like everything she had done and said and thought for weeks was paying off. Every look, every word, even tonight, staying in her seat and avoiding him, it had all come together and worked! She had known all along. No, that was a lie. She had hoped and prayed and fought to convince herself that this part of her that believed was actually right. Now it seemed she hadn’t been crazy after all.
She hugged Amanda quickly, saying the necessary good-byes as she trailed behind Kyle toward the car that was a frequent prop in her daydreams. Flipping her long blond hair, the smile stuck on her face, she climbed in and threw her backpack on the floor.
Kyle turned on the car. “It’s fucking cold!” he said, shivering with a slight laugh as he adjusted the heat. Then he turned on some music. “Is that okay?” he asked.
Cait nodded. It was more than okay. It was perfect.
They pulled out of the Starbucks lot and began to drive north, away from town where the night seemed darker. Kyle asked about her exams, her vacation plans, and what they should do to kill the time. He asked like he cared, and he listened when she answered.
“You should totally have a party when they’re away,” he said.
Cait nodded and smiled. “Is anyone even around? It’s right before Christmas.”
He turned then and looked her dead in the eye. “I’m around.”
Blood rushed into her cheeks as she smiled back. Had she stopped smiling this whole time? Fifteen minutes was a long time to smile, and her face was actually beginning to hurt.
“Well—think about it and send me a text. Do you have the number?”
Cait shook her head.
“Here,” Kyle said, handing her his BlackBerry.
She got out her cell phone and entered his number. This was happening. It was really happening.
They got to her driveway and he drove in.
“Go left at the fork,” Cait said, pointing ahead. “I go in through the service entrance.” It was a lie, but there would be some privacy there. They could park for hours and no one would notice them.
“So, here we are,” Kyle said. He put the car in park, but left it running with the music and the heat. Then he flicked off the lights. “You know—I never got to say sorry for that night. I kinda left you without a ride.”
Cait blushed again. “It was fine. I got home.”
Kyle shook his head. “No. Don’t make excuses. It was a shit-head move, and Doug can be a prick.”
Cait was suddenly grateful that he hadn’t heard a thing about Doug and the ride home. “It was fine. He was pretty high, but we made it.”
“Good. Okay. Anyway, I’ve been so stressed out. I’ve got Mr. Vointer for English. You know, the Bear? He’s such a hard-ass, and this is the year . . . you know, for grades.”
“Why do they call him the Bear?” Cait’s face was shaking. They were having an actual conversation, and Kyle was letting her in—into his thoughts, his world. She was nervous and giddy and scared out of her mind.
“I guess he has a really hairy back. I’ve never seen it, but that’s what they say. He’s been a legend for, like, generations. Anyway,” Kyle said before looking down awkwardly. It was an odd expression for his face, for his entire persona, but he managed to pull it off, and Cait found it endearing. When he looked up again, he reached for her the way he had that night, his hand running along the side of her face then through her hair. She leaned into it softly and closed her eyes. Nothing could feel this good. Nothing.
Moving his body closer to hers, he leaned over and kissed her, gently at first, then harder. She opened her mouth and felt his tongue sweep her lips, the roof of her mouth, and she did the same to him. They were breathing hard in and out of the kiss, both of his hands on her face now, stroking her hair. He moved his body back into his seat and pulled her over him, her legs straddling his body, her chest pressed to his—all the while kissing her with a hunger that she could not believe was finally meant for her. This was not the prelude to a favor. He wanted her, to be with her. It was real. She could feel the power of their attraction as his hands moved fluidly across her body, under her shirt, then the back of her thighs as they reached beneath the kilt. Through only the thin cotton panties, she could feel his erection and she moved against it, provoking him further. “Oh, God!” he whispered, grabbing her ass and pulling her against him.
Her mind was in a haze, and nothing could make her break away from him. She reached down and pulled at his buckle, and when he stopped kissing her to search her face, she smiled and leaned back into him, biting his lip. She wanted to consume him, every inch of him. This was not a moment that could last; it had to go forward to the end. She could feel it, the burning inside her, starting in her gut and running down her inner thighs. This was what they had warned her about—the teachers, the videos and books. Even her friend TF. What had she said? To think about what had happened to her, how it hurt, how it was over so quickly and then he never called. She didn’t care. Kyle had taken her to a place that had just one exit.
As she pulled harder at the belt, he began gyrating against her. Then he moaned and leaned back, and her thighs felt wet. Her body was still moving against his, but his hands were now draped by his side. She tried to kiss him, but he was in another place. He moaned again, this time with a little laugh, and when he finally kissed her back, it was playful.
“Shit. Kinda made a mess.”
Sensing that it was over, Cait climbed back to her seat. Her legs were shaking, her body still hungry, and she had no idea how to make it stop.
He wasn’t embarrassed, though Cait imagined that another boy might have been. The crotch of his khakis now had a dark circle where he’d come, and it looked like he’d peed on himself. He reached into the backseat for a tissue and dried off what he could. Then he leaned over to kiss her one last time. “Look what you did to me. I’m a fucking mess, Cait Barlow.”
She smiled at him as he pulled back, though every inch of her wanted more.
From the center console, he pulled out a cigarette. “Here. For later.”
And Cait took it because she couldn’t imagine getting out of this car without something to help her come down from this high. Not knowing what else to do, she reached for the door handle. This was all uncovered territory.
Kyle took her hand, and she stopped to look at him. “I had no idea you were . . .”
“What?” she asked.
“That you wanted to.”
There were so many things she wanted. There was a list she kept in her head. She wanted to be with him, and not just in this car. She wanted to sit next to him at a party, feel his arm around her. She wanted to tell him things she hadn’t told anyone else. She wanted to call him late at night and confess her sins. She wanted to love him, to be loved by him. Yes, she thought, she wanted to do all of those things. But tonight her body had shifted into overdrive, and what she wanted to do was finish the ride and fuck the consequences.
She had no words that would not make her sound like a porn star, so she just shrugged and smiled.
“You have the number. Text me when your parents leave.”
He waited for her to get out, then waved and drove off. Thinking back on it later, she would remember him being polite. And as she walked to the back door, she felt high. She would wait until her parents left for Florida, their two-day jaunt to schmooze with the membership committee. Then she would text him, and he would return. She let the word float in her head. Boyfriend. That’s what this might be. It sure as hell felt that way. And why not? That’s what girls did—they had boyfriends, then fiancés, then husbands. Why was it so ridiculous to think it could happen to her, and with someone she actually wanted?
As she walked inside, quietly closing the door behind her, she refused to hear the evil voice inside that was playing over and over. What about Victoria Lawson? What about the night of the party? What about the fact that you’ve never been on a date that didn’t involve getting him off? And what about TF?
When she got inside her room, she sat at her computer. She couldn’t smoke the cigarette until her parents went to bed, and she needed something to settle her nerves. She could tell her, couldn’t she? TF had never judged her before, and who better to understand? Maybe she would even see that this was different. That Kyle wasn’t like her guy. Maybe she would see that Cait had played things just right, that Kyle really wanted her after all the doubting.
Making up her mind, she set the cigarette down on the desk, then pulled out the keyboard and began to type.