| |
––––––––
Lying face down on Shirley’s bed, I counted back the number of relationships I’d had since I was fifteen. Twenty-seven. Twenty-seven attempts at finding someone who would love me. That I could love back. Twenty-seven times of having that hope shut down. That much rejection, it eats at you. Changes you. Makes you numb in the post-breakup aftermath. I’d almost grown addicted to that feeling of not feeling anything.
But this. This ache. This sense of sorrow and loss... It was unbearable. I cried so hard I could barely breathe from the snot and the tears. The worst part was feeling like it was never going to go away. That this pain would be with me for the rest of my life. The sense of being swept away in emotion was palpable. I was drowning in my own self-loathing. And I didn’t know how to get out of it.
The only thing I could think to do was to try what had always worked in the past to break out of the numbness. The one thing that always helped me get out of that mindset, was a new relationship. A new guy to focus my attention on so I wouldn’t have to deal with the reality of being worthless. To prove I wasn’t as broken and miserable as I felt. Flirting was the glue that kept my self-doubt intact. It was my horrific toxic trait. The thing I was the most ashamed about. Yet, I did it, every single time I was left. It was my pattern. It worked before, why wouldn’t it work now?
I pushed myself off the bed, then splashed some icy water on my face to reduce the puffiness of my eyes. Rolling my shoulders, I looked at myself in the mirror.
“You got this,” I said to my reflection. “I don’t have to wallow. Get back up.”
As much as the logical part of my brain was screaming at me to go back and talk to Shawn, the insecure part of me wanted to forget it all. The hurt, the loss, the fear. I didn’t want any of it. I was fine before I met Shawn. I was bored with Dwayne, sure, but I wasn’t a big ball of snot. My emotions weren’t going up and down like a rollercoaster every second. If that was what love was, I wanted no part of it. It was too messy. Too painful. And I needed it all to stop before I thought about what I’d do next.
I placed a hand on my stomach before I shook my head and found my way to the pool. I wanted to down another Drunky Monkey since it had worked to numb my senses last time, but I settled for a glass of lemonade at the buffet.
Because it was lunchtime, there was a lot of action on the ship. I took my glass and sat in one of the few open beach chairs and pretended to enjoy watching others swimming and soaking up the sun. I didn’t have my sunglasses or even a hat to shield myself from the blaring sun, which made it unbearably hard to see. I didn’t budge from my spot, though. I sucked down my drink and scanned the pool for possible distractions.
There were a few obvious contenders. Big guys with beer bellies, already wasted by noon, and the college boys who were always down for a fun time. Either option would work if they could drown out this mounting pressure in my heart.
“You look like you could use another,” a voice said beside me. I jumped and looked over at the hunk of a man standing beside me. He had a drink in his hand nearly as tall as he was.
“Wow. Now, that’s a drink,” I said. He took it as an invitation and sat down on the leg portion of the sun chair.
“I’m Kent,” he said, holding out a hand.
“Jasmine.” I didn’t take his hand, though, which surprised me.
“So, what’s a gorgeous woman like you doing sitting all alone in such a romantic spot as this?” Kent made a bold move and ran a finger up my leg.
This was it. This was the moment I had come searching for. A perfectly viable escape from my feelings, from my past, from the string of mistakes I kept making.
“Kent, is it?” I asked.
“Mmm,” he whispered, leaning his body closer to me.
“I’m not interested.” And it hit me at that moment. I wasn’t. I wasn’t interested in Kent or anyone else. The only person I wanted to flirt with me, to look at me with hungry eyes, to touch me, was Shawn.
“I bet I could change your mind,” he said, running his finger up my arm.
“I bet you couldn’t.”
“Oh, I think I could.” His hand moved from my arm to my upper thigh, and before I even knew what was happening, his fingers slid under my dress and were dangerously close to entering me.
Closing my eyes, I saw how this would play out. He’d make me feel desired. Wanted. Needed. I’d latch onto his attention until it waned, and then I’d be right back where I started. No. Not right back where I started. I’d be entering a reality without Shawn. That was the difference. That cycle ended today.
Taking his hand, I pushed it aside. Standing up, I leaned against Kent, placing my lips to his ear. “Kent?”
“Mmm?” he hummed.
“If you ever touch me again, I’ll rip your cock off with my bare hands, put it in a blender, and serve it to you through a straw. Is that understood?” I spun around from him, ready to storm off, but that’s when I saw Shawn. He was looking at me from across the pool. The look on his face told me he’d seen something vastly different play out. From his point of view, he would have seen what looked like me, overtly flirting with another man. Even from this far away, I could see his eyes glassing over with what I could only describe as pain. Shame washed over me.
“Shawn,” I tried to yell, but my voice came out in a squeak. He shook his head once and disappeared into the crowd.
He was angry with me. No, it was more than that. He was disappointed in me. As he should be. If I’d been in his shoes and witnessed a woman running her hand up his thigh... Even the thought of it made my stomach lurch.
Which didn’t make any sense. I shouldn’t feel guilty about what went down. Shawn and I weren’t dating. Why did it matter if someone else flirted with me? Besides, I stopped Kent’s attempts. But not before you entertained letting him continue. Not before you came to the pool looking for someone like Kent to numb you.
I needed to explain myself. Tell him what happened. All of it. Especially what was, or wasn’t, going on between us.
After an unsuccessful search on the upper deck, I decided I’d see if he went back to the room. It was the only place I could think he might be. On my way back to the cabin, I saw Shirley chatting with another couple. When she saw me, she excused herself from her conversation and came up to me.
“Well, hey there,” Shirley said. “Glad to see you out and about. Does that mean you two love birds made up?”
“No. I’m looking for him right now. Have you seen him?” I looked over her head to scan the crowd for him.
“Honey, I don’t know what he looks like.”
“Right.” My eyes darted over her head searching.
“It’s a big boat,” she soothed.” He’s probably looking for you.”
“Or maybe he’s looking for a way off the boat.”
She laughed. “That’s not quite as easy as you might think. Unless he’s rich. Is he rich?”
I knew she was trying to make me laugh, but I wasn’t in the mood. “I need to find him. I need to talk to him. If you see a guy about this tall, dark curls, dimples wandering around can you tell him I went back to the room?”
“I will. Here, take this. I was on my way to drop it off to you.” Shirley handed me a small paper bag.
“What’s this?”
“Plan B. Only if you want it. The pharmacist looked at me like I was nuts, considering he knew that ship sailed for me long ago.” She gave me a small smile. “You have options. More than I had in my day. This moment doesn’t have to define the rest of your life if you don’t want it to.”
I took the bag and held it in my hands, having no idea if I wanted to open it or not.
“What do I do?” I asked softly.
“Find your man and talk to him. Spend the rest of this cruise talking to him. Really talking.”
“What if it’s too late? What if I’m too much drama for him?”
“Well, then you’ll know that too.” Her eyes were kind as she patted my hand. “Look, maybe this trip will end with a happily ever after. And maybe it won’t. But that’s what life is. It’s all ups and downs. Just like the water we’re on. Emotions come to us like waves. Lifting us off our feet in bliss one moment, then knocking the breath out of us the next. The question you have to ask yourself is whether Shawn the sort of guy you want beside you to endure the never-ending current?”
That was the question, wasn’t it?
“I barely know him,” I huffed.
“That wasn’t a no.” Her smile filled me with irrational hope. “Go find him. Talk to him. Tell him how you feel. Even if it scares you. He deserves to know.”
As much as I hated to admit it, she was right. He did deserve to know where my head was. It may not solve anything, but it was the decent thing to do.
Taking a deep breath, I nodded. “If this ends badly, you’ll hook me up on another boat home, right?”
Shirley smirked at me. “Only if you’re loaded.”
At that, I did laugh.
“Adulting sucks, honey,” she said. “But if you can work through this, think of the make-up sex you’ll have.” She winked at me, causing me to laugh even harder.
Make-up sex with Shawn would be pretty amazing.
“Okay, wish me luck,” I said.
“You won’t need it. That boy loves you too. Don’t ask me how I know. I just have a feeling about it. You two will make it. Give it time.”
I looked down at the bag and my belly. Time. The one thing we were running short on.
