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For a moment, I lay on the beach chair, naked as the day I was born. The fragments of my bikini were somewhere under me as I watched Shawn disappear from my life. The only thing I could hear over the sound of my own thundering heart was the waves crashing along the shore. Each crest brought with it a mounting pressure.
Then it hit me. He wasn’t leaving me. He was processing. He had done the same thing at the airport. He got upset, he walked away, thought about things, then he came back.
Of course he was wigging out. I’d dropped the L-word on him. He was freaking out. Heck, I probably would be too if he’d said it to me before this exact moment. Just because I knew I loved him first, didn’t mean he didn’t love me back. He needed time to think. I wouldn’t freak out. I wouldn’t make the same mistake I did at the airport. He cared about me. I know he did. He just needed time to realize it.
While I waited for his return, I quickly put my sundress on. I tossed the bikini into the bag and paced by the chairs, constantly looking at the spot we had entered from. He’d come back for me. He did it once, he’d do it again. My job was to stay put so he’d know where to find me. We’d make up, spend the rest of the day on the beach, then spend the two days back to the states making love in every way we desired. He’d be back. Any minute now.
Any second...
Just as my hope was fading, I heard footsteps coming down the winding path. I felt relieved until I saw another young couple heading toward me.
“Oh, sorry. Didn’t know you’d claimed this spot,” the man said.
“No. It’s fine,” I said, picking up my bag. “I was just leaving. Have at it.” I gestured to the beach chairs as the woman gave her man a devilish grin. How much action did those beach chairs see in a day?
Had telling Shawn I loved him been a step too far? Did I scare him away? Or worse...did he not feel the same about me? But that couldn’t be true. The way he looked at me, the way he touched me. That was real. Right?
Unless.
Was it all an act? Was I only the means to a free beach getaway? Had I been used?
Listen to yourself, Jasmine, I chided. Was I any better? Wasn’t I doing the same to Shawn? Using him to escape from my pain? Why wasn’t he allowed the same privilege? I knew so little about his life. Maybe he was running away from something huge, too, but I was so wrapped up in my issues, I didn’t even ask.
Was it possible he didn’t love me back? My skin felt numb as I walked absently back to the boat. Not even the lure of the shops littered with tourist-trap merchandise could hold my attention.
Nothing mattered until I knew the answer to that question. Did Shawn have any feelings for me? If this had all been a game for him, then...
Then, what, Jasmine? What will you do?
Honestly, I had no idea.
After nearly two hours of waiting for the ferry and boarding back onto the main boat, I was beyond tired. Emotionally, and physically. It would be a hard two days back to the states. He couldn’t give me the silent treatment forever. Like it or not, we’d have to talk. Bare our truths.
I dropped my bag in our cabin, then opted to take a shower to wash away the sand that had managed to get into places that were not so comfortable. As I washed away the remnants of our time together, my hands drifted of their own accord to my stomach. What if I was pregnant? What if he really didn’t want to have kids? I couldn’t do this alone, could I? Would I even want to?
I stood in the water until I pruned up. Begrudgingly, I turned the shower off and pulled back the curtain. I toweled myself as best as I could in the cramped quarters. I didn’t even bother with hair products. After slipping into my evening attire, I decided to go to the arrival area to try to catch Shawn as he made his way back to the boat. Maybe we could talk over dinner and figure out where we stood. It would be a gut-wrenching conversation, but it was one we needed to have. We were sharing a room for two more days. Words had to be said.
Leaning over the railing on the deck, I looked out at the waiting island, wondering if I’d ever step foot on her again. If it was without Shawn, I wasn’t sure I wanted to.
“There you are.”
I turned my head toward the familiar voice.
“Shirley.” I tried to hide my disappointment.
“I’m guessing the two of you talked then?” she asked. I must look awful if she could pick up on that.
“We started to—but...”
She raised an eyebrow at me.
“But what?”
Sighing, I confessed. “I did what you said I should earlier. I told him the truth. I told him I loved him.”
“Ah. To which he said...”
My shoulders slumped. “He didn’t really say anything. He just took off. I think I spooked him. But he’s someone who needs time to process stuff. You know? Especially with big emotions. So, I came back to the boat and am waiting for him to reboard so we can finish our conversation.” I glanced toward the boat headed our way.
“Right.” The way she said it felt off somehow. “Well, I can’t stay and chat. I’m about to be late for an event. I teach a Tai Chi class for seniors.” She took my hand and held it a moment, which seemed odd. “I’ll try and touch base with you soon, okay?” Her eyes were filled with concern.
“Yeah. Sure thing. Go teach your class. I’ll be fine.”
She gave me a quick nod as I refocused my attention back on the approaching boat.
I’ll be fine. Would I be? What if he came back and told me he didn’t feel the same way? What if this trip had only been a bit of fun like I’d presented at the church. What if I had read him all wrong?
For the rest of the afternoon, I stood on the deck watching as the boats came in. Boat after boat. No Shawn.
“Excuse me,” I asked one of the crew pulling the plank back inside the cruise liner. “What time does the last boat come back?”
“That was the last one.”
“What? No. There is a passenger unaccounted for.”
The worker looked down at his clipboard.
“No ma’am. We got everyone we were meant to get. We had one arrange for alternative transportation back, but the rest are accounted for.”
“Who was that person?” I asked.
“Sorry, ma’am. I can’t give you that information. Check your room. Your person is probably there. Happens all the time. It’s a big boat.”
His words should have assured me, but they didn’t.
“Right. Thanks.”
The man tipped his hat and went back to doing his work.
Taking a deep breath, I practically ran back to our room. With my heart in my throat, I unlocked the door and stepped inside. The silence of the emptiness inside confirmed my fears.
He wasn’t there. I translated that to mean one thing.
He didn’t love me back.
