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I sat on the balcony enjoying our new safety alone, smoking and talking to the moonlight that showed at the door without an invitation. It was a cool summer night, but I was freezing worse than those nights on the mountain in Lebanon when we had nothing to warm ourselves but a couple of blankets and warm hearts. I kept looking at the balcony next to mine waiting in vain. Mustafa left. We talked about a lot of things, but I guess he knew my mind was set on only one person and I could think of nothing else. I didn't bother to ask him anything, but he told me again to give it some time, and everything would be all right.
When was it going to be all right? How long did I have to wait when my presence was only acting as a repellent? She couldn't stand looking at my face, and I had no words to start a meaningful conversation with her. My last words to her back in the camp were that I was sorry, and I still hadn't come up with anything more meaningful to say.
I woke up late the next day and wandered around the apartment. I wasn't in the mood of exploration, but I was looking for a way to pass the time with the least feelings possible. There it was on the coffee table. A thousand euros with a note, 'Since we're no longer one; here's your half.' I wanted no money. I needed no money. I still had the money from the fight, but not a billion more bills would buy me the only thing I wanted.
I went down to buy smokes from a grocery store by the corner. I stood in front of all these bottles like a child eyeing his own dreams but not having the guts to seize any. I went close to the cash register, and back over ten times then I paid and left. Tegel was not exactly the party destination, but there might be people passing by me when I stood on the street like a fool rewinding all those memories I wished I had no memory for. How could it be me? How could I do such a thing? After a long pause in the middle of nowhere, my whole life was like an old film flickering with all its black and white vintage shots like the old days that never return, but the most persistent memories were much fresher and I didn't need a film reel to remember. After minutes or hours, I moved along the street, and at the nearest bin, I threw the bag I bought from the store; I only saved the two cigarette packs I bought along.
The same long night, the late sleep, Mustafa coming to my place every day to talk and talk, and I was waiting with no guts left, no muscles, no nerves to talk or wait. I knew he would have told her about how miserable I was. I wanted him to tell her and waited to see if she would come to pick up the ashes. Maybe, she'd mold me and make me whole again.
One day before our break week was over, there was knocking on the door. I went to open to Mustafa and complete the routine of my day, but there she was standing at the door. At first, she was not looking at me, but she raised her eyes to meet mine.
"Can I come in?"
I moved away from the door. She came in, but she wouldn't sit down, and her calm nature vanished once she was inside.
"I will not say I still cannot believe how you put me in a situation like this. It was far worse than what happened in Lebanon. I thought for a while I was over that horrible day, but you invited all the demons back into my life. I can't deny you saved me once or more than once, but we're even now. I owe you nothing."
I tried to interrupt, but my name was listed with those demons she was talking about. I could not complain because I did earn my place on the list.
"I don't hate you, but I want to tell you that you mean nothing to me anymore. I will have to be around because I have no other choice, but you will not be any different from any of those neighbors I had for years without knowing what their names were. You are but a stranger to me from this day on and don't you dare move any closer or try to put your hands on me. Don't you dare talk or look at me. I'll endure this last term of imprisonment, but I hope you don't make it insufferable."
I stood in my place immobile without a meaningful word crossing my mind, but Pam knew exactly what she wanted to say.
"You know I could have forgiven you if you told me. I could have forgiven your drinking and lying, but you chose to live alone a long time before I did. You excluded me from your thoughts and decisions and feelings long before I did... I said don't touch me and don't you cry on me now. At least, let me remember that man I fell in love with." She looked into my eyes which were fighting the tears inside, "It's over. You have your life, and I will have mine." She went to the door, but turned before leaving,
"And you don't have to look so miserable in front of Mustafa. That's not going to work, either."
The door slammed on my soul and kept my frustration choked in my chest; I could not say any word to her, and now she was gone.