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Every time there was knocking on the door, I would hurry to open, holding what's left of my heart not caring if she would break the remaining shards if that meant I could look at her up close again, but after some time, the faint hope did not last; it was Mustafa at the door.
"Come in."
"We missed you in class today, again."
"Yeah. I haven't missed Herr Schmidt at all."
"What's the matter with you? You haven't come to class for over two weeks. What happened to let time heal the wounds?"
"It might be too deep."
"Then it will take more time. Just be patient. You have gone through hell together. She won't forget it."
"Exactly! She won't."
"That's not what I... OK what about taking a walk down by the lake?" Mustafa suggested with his ever-smiling face.
"Why are you helping, man? Why are you so persistent? I have lost everything."
"No, you haven't. We're keeping her safe for you."
I wasn't only thinking about Pam but also about Susan and the kids. It'd been over a year, and I still hadn't known anything about them. Not even on Facebook, which I bought the new phone especially for. There was no sign of them. I was waiting for a picture of them with their mother somewhere, anywhere. That stupid phone was a waste. And Pam who I let slip through my fingers like a fool trying to stop the hourglass of life with my bare hands.
"How is she doing?"
Mustafa knew it was my cue to change the subject, he would play along and postpone his argument for another day.
"She's doing fine, and by the way, she's ahead of all the class in German. Miss two more classes and there will be no way you can catch up with her. At least, learn how to argue in German. Can you imagine when she starts to argue in German?"
I took a moment to laugh, and I think Mustafa got it. But the man never left me alone; we could have been friends.
After a while, he stopped whining about the German classes anymore, and he skipped some daily visits. I was wondering when he'd stop coming to my house of the dead.
One day, I woke up in the afternoon. I was out of cigarettes, so I put on my clothes and went out. The road was grey, and the people were all wearing black and white. I thought it might be a unique festival they had. The place where I used to buy cigarettes was closed; I had to walk a few blocks to get to the nearest place where they sold cigarettes. Even the trees on both sides of the road were colorless, the birds were part of the strange festival as well. I must have passed the next store for the location seemed so new. I was lost on the road and in my mind. I could not fathom how Pam would not be in my life anymore, how she was not with me to lift the curse of that stupid festival.
I picked up speed running away from the tears and from myself. I wanted to outrun that shadow following me around. Jogging along a road, I didn't know how or why but it turned into running for no reason. I was at last sprinting beating my tears before they could fall in front of me and make me slip. I was broken on the floor for too long. Before I was out of breath, I wanted to keep up with that man way up front, taking the right steps, using every muscle in his body with his brain shining like a Christmas tree. I wanted to catch up with that man; the man who I used to see much closer in my dreams.
I went back home out of breath and tears and shame. I could lose the entire world tomorrow, but if there was only one person left I could save. That would be a start. I took all the money I had and put it on the table. There was still ten thousand five hundred euros on the table. I looked at the loose jeans I was wearing, so I went to a place nearby Mustafa kept telling me about. He said they had the best burgers in town.
After the German class the next day, I went shopping. I bought a brand new computer, which was all I ever needed in this wide lonely world.
After a couple of months, I was making progress in learning German, but it was much easier back home. I wanted to speak German fast because I knew I was going to need it soon, but I had a secret reason for it. I wanted to beat Pam to fluency, but Mustafa was also right about her excellence as a student, it was worth trying, but I had to admit the mission was impossible.
I started to go out with Mustafa more often, and our conversations along Tegel Lake would take us all over the world and what was happening back home, the Syrian home. I thought it was unfair I had to go halfway across the world to come across a friend like him. Why didn't we meet when at one time in the past, we were only a few hundred kilometers apart? But I was grateful I was not alone. I wouldn't bother him about Pam, but we would talk about her from time to time. All I wanted to know was that she was okay; It was enough for me. I needed to take it to a whole new level if I ever wanted to face her again. Mustafa always whined about the poor excuses I made to go back home, especially when the weather was beautiful, and the colors of the lake and trees were like a permanent rainbow that formed one day and decided never to leave. But I always had it my way and kept the fantastic walks within a one-hour limit.
We went out a few all the four of us to eat out. Although I was dying to speak to Pam, I resisted for I knew I had to wait a little longer, but these were like the highlights of my life back in Tegel, I enjoyed every moment I would peek at her. Oh my god, I almost forgot how beautiful she was. These outings I never cut short, but she would go out with Fadia and leave us to our talks. The last time we went out, I was still not ready, but I felt I was being watched by the most beautiful eyes in the world, too. I couldn't hold eye contact, and I wouldn't because I didn't want to ruin what I had been working hard on preparing for the past few months.
I was ready for about a week now, but I waited for an occasion, and as we last heard from Greta, she told us our long wait for our Asylum requests was about to come to an end and we were going to be granted residency. We were at the municipality, all the four of us, we were hugging, laughing and celebrating, but when it was Pam's turn, a handshake after all these months and the smile that survived on her face at the touch of my hand was enough for me.
"I would like to invite you to a drink back home to celebrate our first step into becoming German citizens. Would you join me, please?" I wasn't waiting for anybody's answer but Pam's.
I could tell she didn't like my inviting them to a drink, but before she could say no, I insisted and so did Mustafa and Fadia, so she said yes. I was waiting for that yes as if I were proposing to her all over again. All I hoped for was that she would like the surprise I busted my ass preparing for her for the past few months.