Seven figures in crimson cloaks sat around a crescent bench inside a dim and empty arena. Spotlights overhead encased them in hazy cones of luminescence. Sagging hoods painted dark shadows across their chests, cloaking identities under an air of secrecy. Arms and tentacles folded across the table surface, resting in wait.
The bench sat upon the first of many seating tiers, giving the ensemble an elevated perspective. At the center of the arena, an additional spotlight dropped a large white circle onto an empty floor. Motes of dust wandered through the harsh light. Nubs and fingertips rapped upon the wooden bench, prodding a restive silence. The middle figure took a weighted breath and exhaled a fluttering sigh. The largest of the group reached into his lap and plucked a cracker from a hidden bag. The resulting crunches nabbed the attention of his cohorts, who huffed and shook their heads.
A crackle of static echoed from the center, followed by a flicker of light. It swirled into a glowing ribbon, building up speed and forming a cocoon. A winding hum filled the room and peaked with a pop of electric charge. The cocoon spat out a screaming Jai Ferenhal into the central spotlight. His body thumped the floor with a harsh thud and the ribbons fizzled away. He continued screaming until realizing that the cold metal was not a lake of lava.
Silence returned to the arena.
Jai palmed the metal plane with a mixture of confusion and relief. He rose onto all fours and studied the immediate area, uncovering little more than a well-lit floor in need of a good sweep. With a measured calm and a hint of worry, he climbed to his feet and spun in a slow circle. Specks of dirt fell from his soiled suit and glimmered in the bright light. A final turn uncovered seven mysterious figures sitting behind a large crescent podium. He wiped the sweat from his brow and shielded his eyes for a better look.
“Jai Ferenhal,” said the central figure in a mousy voice.
“Y—yes?”
“Cruvion race of the Parlech Quadrant, comrade of the Veiled Traders, disgraced member of the PCDS, and trusted confidant of a one Lord Essien.”
“Um, sure.”
“Do you know where you are?”
Jai glanced around the ominous chamber, then back to the panel. “Purgatory?”
“You’re not dead.”
“Night club?”
“There’s no music.”
“Suth’ra Station, final answer.”
“Goddamnit!” Jerry said, then flipped his hood over his shoulders. “Did I not say that snatching the human was a bad idea? It completely killed our mythos.”
“Does it really matter at this point?” Yerba said.
“Yes,” Gorp said in his gruff amphibious voice. “I have to agree with Jerry. Anonymity is our most precious asset.”
Kaeli cleared her throat. “I thought intelligence was our most precious asset.”
“And coffee,” Frank said.
Carl facepalmed himself.
Jai shifted his puckered lips.
“I think we can all agree,” Yerba said, “that intelligence is our top asset, followed by anonymity, and then coffee.”
“Disagree,” Gorp said. “Anonymity is paramount, which allows us the capacity for intellectual dominance. Coffee is a distant third.”
“Third?” Frank said. “I would argue that without decent coffee, this whole charade would be in the shitter. Have you ever done quantum calculus without a pot of mud?”
“Hmm,” Gorp said. “A valid point.”
Jerry groused. “What’s the point of good coffee without great cloaking tech? I think it’s anonymity, then coffee, then intelligence.”
Kaeli chuckled. “Are you seriously ranking intelligence third? A halfwit child could drink coffee in secret.”
Fio slammed his fists upon the table. “Everyone shut the fuck up!”
A tense silence infected the room.
Fio refolded his hands. “Jai Ferenhal.”
Jai ruffled his brow. “Still yes.”
“You have been summoned here by the almighty Suth’ra because we have learned of a troubling situation. An unholy alliance between Orantha Nifan and Lord Essien is brewing in the black.”
Jai shrugged. “News to me.”
“The Suth’ra Society has maintained a neutral presence inside the universe. We are an uncaring eye wandering the cosmos. But alas, our neglect permitted the rise of the war criminal Halim, a former colleague and total wackadoodle. He single-handedly destroyed the entire Varokin fleet at the Battle of Hollow Hold, a massacre you witnessed firsthand alongside Lord Essien. Against all odds, you survived while donning a pink tutu.”
Jai grimaced. “Thank you for that.”
“The survival of Lord Essien was unlucky, but benign. Her armada was in shambles and her supposed enemy had fled into hiding. However, this budding union between the two cannot happen. It would be like Adolf Hitler colluding with Morgok the World Crusher. The balance of the entire universe would be at risk.”
“And what does that have to do with me?”
“You fought beside Lord Essien. She trusted you.”
“I wouldn’t go that far.”
“Regardless, you have acquired intimate knowledge of her tactics and demeanor. Thus, you have become a valuable asset to the resistance.”
“Resistance? The Suth’ra are going to war?”
“Everyone is going to war. The battle of our age is about to begin. And you, Jai Ferenhal, will play a vital role in the days to come.”
Jai thought for a moment. “So I’m a snitch.”
“No, no, nooo. You are an esteemed informant, a vessel of intelligence, a fleshy database of triumph. You will guide our mighty forces into the warring war of wars. Your wealth of opposition strategy will raise the iron fist of victory.”
Jai rolled his eyes. “So I’m a really big snitch.”
“No, no, not at all.” Fio grunted with frustration, then gestured to the group. “Someone, anyone, a little help.”
“Mighty warrior,” Jerry said. “You are tasked with—”
“Guys,” Jai said with a polite chuckle. “I am so messing with you. Count me in. That raging bitch has done nothing but bust my balls since Europa.”
“Oh thank goodness,” Fio said, then bowed his head to restore some menace.
“Noble champion,” Jerry said. “You shall rest in holding while our forces are mobilized. An initial strike has already commenced.”
“Fine by me. Just point me to the showers.”
Several chuckles rose from the bench.
“Oh no,” Fio said with a cocky snicker. “Not here. Your intellectual inferiority would dick-punch morale and bleach the walls with idiocy.”
Jai huff-chuckled. “Wow, you have mastered the subtle art of ingratiation.”
The assembly huddled for a brief mumble, then restored their rigid postures.
“That is an incorrect statement,” Fio said.
Jai started to respond, but opted for a sigh and facepalm. He groused for a bit, then returned his attention to the panel. “So if not here, then where?”
“Stand by for transport,” Yerba said.
Jai recoiled as a static charge sparked to life and swirled around him. A ribbon of light raced in circles, enclosing his meaty frame. The rushing energy climbed to a final jolt and yanked Jai into the ether.
Moments later, he stood at the base of a giant mountain range. With eyes widened and mouth agape, he surveyed a desolate landscape full of rolling hills and craggy boulders. Clouds crept along the towering cliff sides. A sapphire lake shimmered off in the distance. Jai paused to gather his wits and inhaled some of the cleanest air he had ever tasted. His eyelids fell to savor the moment. Lungs swelled with elation until his ears uncovered a silent world. No birds or animals, no ships or stations, just a gentle breeze and an eerie sense of isolation.
Jai released his breath, opened his eyes, and flinched at the sudden appearance of a giant boulder in front of him. He spun around in confusion, but everything seemed in place. Hasty blinks and eye rubs failed to mend the hallucination. He took a cautious step forward and pressed an open palm to the surface. It was warm and leathery, like the skin of an elephant.
Then it quivered.
Jai yelped and jerked backwards.
“New touchie!” Phil said and sprouted a fresh gaggle of tentacles. They wrapped around a horrified Jai and slurped him into the mass.
* * *
A swarm of Suth’ra orbs floated above Nifan’s cruiser. Their viewport slivers glowed red, like a congress of Knight Rider superfans. Each wore a Mohawk of antennae, as if to perpetuate the salty nature of punk rockers. The ebon hulls of everyone present infected the area with precisely nothing. That is, until an orb sparked with electric charge and shot a bolt of chaos into the cruiser.
The cruiser rattled and rumbled with each strike, like a naive crocodile getting blasted by an electric eel. Tendrils of lightning slithered around the hull before crackling into the black. Inside the bridge, the group clung to their respective balance keepers, be it a bar leg, a sturdy couch, or a helpful section of wall. Art frames and expensive sculptures rested in pieces across the floor. A dignified chamber had morphed into the stylistic merit of a teenager’s bedroom.
“I’m just gonna put this out there,” Essien said to Nifan. “Your ethics were so compromised by this scheme, that you provoked an intervention by the Suth’ra Society. That is the sexiest thing I have ever seen.”
Nifan smirked and bit her lower lip.
“So what’s the plan, my love?”
Nifan turned to Henry against the wall. “Rally Migg and summon the armada. I want both fleets to our back as soon as possible.”
Henry nodded and jogged towards the elevator.
“Tatia! Damage report!”
“Hull intact,” the ship AI said. “No structural damage. All systems online and operational.”
“How can that be?” Essien said.
“Protonic blasts. They’re not trying to kill us. They just want our attention.”
A large panel along the transparent wall crackled with an incoming signal. The group relaxed a bit and climbed to their feet as the hologram bust of Fio pieced itself together above the counter, his face hidden beneath a crimson robe. The mutilated remnants of the Terramesh floated along the wall behind him, creating a lurid backdrop. Nifan, Essien, Zoey, and Perra formed a half-circle around the hologram. Ross detached from a tattered cushion and trotted over to a shattered sculpture. He tossed a nod to Max, who opted out of the unfolding drama and moseyed away from the bar.
Jerry cleared his throat from off-hologram. “Humble thy loins, for you are in the presence of His Impeccable Majesty, Grandmaster Fiolandon, High Lord of the Suth’ra Council, Speaker of Truth, Defender of Reason.”
Essien crossed her arms and scowled. “And you are in the presence of Orantha Nifan, The Dossier, Breaker of Balls, Giver of No Fucks.”
Fio gasped and shook his fist. “How dare ye disrespect the mighty Suth’ra! Ye shall rue the day that—”
Jerry grabbed Fio’s outstretched arm and lowered it to the table. “Calm down, dude.”
Fio whipped his gaze off-hologram and shook his fist at Jerry. “How dare ye disrespect thy fearless leader! Ye shall rue the day! Rue it, I say!”
Jerry sighed. “Sweet Sagan on a pogo stick, do you hear yourself right now?”
Fio stammered a bit, then grumbled some curses before resuming his not-so-ominous posture. “Orantha Nifan and Lord Essien. You are to lay down arms and turn yourselves over to the Council of Loken, lest you be erased from existence by the full force of the Suth’ra Society.”
Lord Essien puffed her chest for another verbal assault, but Nifan grabbed her arm. Essien clenched her lips shut as Nifan took a step forward. She straightened her ruffled dress and donned a devious smirk. “Master Fio, there are just so many ways to say no. I could go with the classic kiss my ass, perhaps an exuberant piss off. But for this most asinine of requests, I am forced to concoct an appropriate retaliatory response. That said, please accept my humble request to eat shit and die, you dirty little nerd fuck.”
Fio paused to digest the retort, then slammed his fists on the table. “How dare ye disrespect the mighty Suth’ra!”
“Goddamnit, Fio!” Jerry said, prompting a slap fight.
In the rear of the chamber, Ross trotted around a busted sculpture to an empty cube stand. He gave it a once over, leapt behind it, and started pushing it towards the center of the room. A curious Max joined him in process.
“What are you doing?”
“Yo, help me with this. I need it over there.”
“What the hell for?”
“Time’s a factor, just shut up and help.”
Max rolled her eyes, gripped the waist-high stand, and started dragging it towards the center. With a final tug and twist, it became a makeshift podium. Ross jumped on top, studied the view, then nodded with approval.
“Perfect. Now I need a chopstick.”
“Huh?”
“A stick, a pencil, anything of the like.”
Max glanced around the immediate area and spotted a small rod that had snapped off a sculpture. She plucked it from the floor debris and offered it to the feline.
“That’ll work,” Ross said and snatched it from Max.
“You’re welcome.”
“No time for decorum, got shit to do.”
Max huffed. “You could have said thanks in the time it took you to explain why you didn’t say thanks.”
Ross sneered at his human companion, then focused on the quarrel upfront.
“So what’s this all about, anyway?”
Ross reared back onto his hind legs and spread his arms like an orchestra conductor. “Max, my friend, I’m about to redefine the concept of thunder stealing.”
Fio and Nifan continued to bicker with Jerry and Essien stoking the flames. Zoey and Perra traded bored glances as they suffered through an endless barrage of underhanded insults. Nifan queued up another jab, but the purple slivers of vessels exiting hyperspace caught her attention. The rest of the group followed her gaze as a large fleet of unknown origin blinked into orbit above the battered Terramesh. The dark blue ships resembled slivers of glacial ice, their smooth hulls reflecting the peripheral sunlight of Behemet.
“Who the hell are they?” Lord Essien said.
“Those are Byokane fighters,” Nifan said with a puzzled tone. “What possible business do they have out here?”
Another fleet blinked out of hyperspace at the opposite side, filling the black with hundreds of battleships. Another fleet appeared, then another, and another, creating a giant amalgam of vessels surrounding the imploded mesh. Every race, creed, color, and grotesque mutation from around the galaxy, united as one for a mysterious calling.
Assault panels pinged to life as Boobybork and Durflock fleets exited hyperspace behind the ship. Migg’s Ripper and Henry’s fighter floated into view along the panoramic wall, each primed for battle. Flickers of charge snaked around the Suth’ra orbs above them.
Eyes widened and jaws slacked as a freakish swarm of ships filled the entire visual field, like heavy snow through a windshield. A palpable tension infected the bridge.
“What the hell is going on?” Fio said. “Why is everyone ignoring me?”
A clanking sound echoed around the chamber, hooking everyone’s attention. They turned to find Ross banging the rod against the cube stand. Max stood nearby with hands in her pockets, looking like a bored teen at a family gathering. Ross resumed his readied position and cleared his throat.
“Welcome travelers,” he said with a rumbling baritone. His voice penetrated the minds of every being in the system, current party included. “You have been summoned here as pawns and disciples, zealots and heretics, vassals of the one true god whose name is I. Behold! Gaze upon my visage and despair!”
Ross whipped the baton forward, prompting a blinding discharge from within the mesh. They recoiled and shielded their eyes as streaks of purple lightning danced around the assembled armada. The husk of the Terramesh glowed with an energy build that pulsed like a heartbeat. Fissures of light snaked across the surface like a cracking egg. The northern pole exploded with the force of a trillion nuclear warheads, hurling moon-sized chunks into the heavens. The resulting shockwave battered every ship in the system.
And then silence.
Every eye within a million miles locked onto the colossal chasm atop the Terramesh.
Ross grinned at Max while twirling the rod like a cocky drummer. “Here’s something you don’t see every day.” He gripped the baton with both paws, dropped his fists to the stand, and started to lift.
Jaws fell and lungs emptied as a furry monolith sprouted from the chasm. The purple arm of a titanic monster spread its fingers and crashed into the rocky surface, hitting with the raw power of colliding planets. Another arm shot into the sky and smashed the opposite bank. Ebon claws the length of cities dug into the crust and lifted the creature from deep inside the fissure. The head of a giant purple ferret emerged from the void, housing jet black eyes the size of moons. The beast climbed out of the stony carapace and perched on top. Its massive tail swung through space and slapped the outer crust, flattening mountains and shaking the husk from pole to pole. The towering weasel emitted a deafening roar that made Godzilla’s sound like a mouse sneeze. The titan reared onto its hind legs and loomed over the armada.
Back inside the bridge, a shared sense of shock and awe paralyzed the group. Nifan, Essien, Zoey, and Perra gawked at the giant ferret like frightened mannequins. Jerry leaned into the hologram feed and whispered to Fio.
“A giant what?” Fio said.
The feed abruptly ended.
Ross tossed the baton into the air, cracked his knuckles, then caught and held it like a guitar. Bands of light swirled around the ferret god to form a celestial banjo. The colossus gripped the neck and palmed the body, ready to drop some serious twang. Ross, the Fifth Force of Nature, resumed his address to the massive armada.
“Tremble before Tim the Destroyer of Worlds! I am the alpha and the omega, the giver and taker of life, the creator of all things, the almighty Banjo Ferret!” Ross raised a paw over his head and came down onto the rod with a rock star strum, as did the ferret god. The stellar banjo exploded into a flower of purple lightning and shattered every intercom in the system. A massive discharge enveloped the fleet, muting the glow of the nearby megastar.
When the light faded, the ferret was gone.
The Terramesh had returned to its imploded state.
The enormous armada floated in stunned silence.
Everyone turned to Ross, still perched upon the cube.
“Wait for it,” he said with a playful uptick.
Lord Essien stuttered.
Nifan tried to form a coherent sentence.
“Wait for it.”
Zoey traded glances between Ross and the mesh.
Perra tried to mime some understanding.
“Wait for it.”
Off in the distance, a plasma streak ripped through the black. Another streak followed, then another, and another, zipping around the mesh like a meteor shower. A battleship exploded. Missiles screamed from launch tubes. Ion cannons flashed in response. Before long, the entire armada erupted into a heated battle.
“And that is how you start an intergalactic holy war.” Ross stretched out the baton like a hot mic, then dropped it to the floor.