How? How had such a horrible tragedy happened to such a handsome young man who’d had everything going for him, who had once been brimming over with vitality and life? Joel was still beautiful, his features like that of a Raphaelite angel—or at least what Clemmie could see above his beard. As he slowly drew near, she could see faint lines never there before, and his skin had become a shade sallow, as though he didn’t go outdoors as often as he once had.
She wanted to weep bitterly, wanted to turn on her heel and run back the way she had come, far and fast. At the same time, she wanted to run to him and hold him tightly in a strange mix of relief and despair. But she knew he would scorn any show of pity. So she stood, silent and dumb as a scarecrow, while he continued to draw closer.
“Why won’t you speak?” he snapped. “You never see a blind man before?” He snorted in impatience. “You can’t pretend you’re not there. I’m not fooled by your silence, even if my eyes can be.”
His voice lacked any real emotion, except to snap with sarcasm. This was a Joel she didn’t know. His surliness both unnerved and saddened her.
He took in a long, deep breath through his nostrils. “I can smell your scent. Thea doesn’t grow lilacs. I know you’re there—so speak up, confound you!”
He came to a stop, only a foot away. She couldn’t take her eyes off his flawless features, his beautiful, clear, useless eyes. She brushed away the tears that dripped down her cheeks.
“Loretta left the house while Thea was on the phone—” She blundered the reply, barely aware of what she said. Her voice had grown huskier over the years, was hoarse now, and she suddenly felt grateful he wouldn’t recognize it. “I didn’t think she should be left unattended.”
“Yes, I hear her giggling. And that darn cat yowling. But that doesn’t explain why you’re here.”
“I’m—I’m an acquaintance of Thea’s.” Clemmie wasn’t sure why she gave that explanation, so she rambled aimlessly on. “I came to—to see about …” She stopped, realizing she couldn’t air her key reason for her visit—to discover if Herbert or Thea knew of Joel’s whereabouts. Clearly they did.
“To see about … a job as a nanny?” he filled in when she didn’t continue, his manner curt. “Or maybe you’re a curiosity seeker from the neighborhood, eager to learn what terrible secret Thea’s been hiding in her backyard?” With that flair Joel still possessed, he swept his hand before his person from collarbone to thigh. “So, had your fill of gawking yet?”
The sudden slam of the kitchen door alerted Clemmie to Thea’s presence. A rapid glance showed the woman hurrying their way, alarm in her eyes. Clemmie forestalled her before she could speak, her mind instantly jumping into gear.
“I’m not any such thing. My name’s Marielle.” She gave her middle name before Thea could introduce them. She sensed Thea gape at her. “I’ve come for a visit. I didn’t mean to intrude.”
“That’s exactly what you’re doing.” Joel didn’t curb his caustic words. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m done providing entertainment for the day.” He whipped around before she could respond and stomped back to the porch as though he’d trod the course often and had it memorized.
He entered the shed-like building. The slam of the door shot through the air like the report of a shotgun. Neither woman spoke. At last Clemmie looked at Thea, who appeared almost remorseful.
“We need to talk,” she said quietly, and Thea nodded, leading the way back to the kitchen.
Clemmie sat down at the table, feeling like an invisible puppeteer must have control of her limbs; she didn’t understand how she could be moving them. She stared into the cup of coffee Thea set before her, not even thinking to add her usual lump of sugar. Right now she needed it black. Black and strong.
She took a sip, wincing as the liquid scalded her tongue. A thousand questions flew through her mind, and she grabbed one at random. “I’m assuming he lives here?”
“Yes.”
“How long?”
Thea exhaled deeply. “He didn’t want anyone to know.”
“That’s obvious. But now I do. So you no longer have any reason to conceal such information.”
Thea reluctantly nodded. “Herbert found him over a year ago.”
“Found him?”
“In a hospital. He’d been searching. Joel usually kept contact, but then all correspondence abruptly ended. The reporter in Herbert investigated and found him.” Clemmie wasn’t sure she wanted to hear the rest, but she needed to know.
“How did it happen?”
“He was better than you see him now, when Herbert found him. Well, physically, that is. Emotionally he was a wreck, much like he is today. Only he’s grown more bitter. At first Joel took a job with Herbert at the newspaper. Shortly after that he started complaining of headaches and began losing his vision a little at a time. One day he couldn’t see at all.”
“But how?”
“An accident. He’d been out of the Navy for a while. From what I understand, he was with friends when it happened. One of them was driving and lost control. The driver was killed, and Joel was badly hurt—thrown from the car. Strangely there were no signs of blindness then. It took about a month. I don’t remember the medical reasons Herbert gave, but Joel’s been walking around like half a man ever since. Hiding here. Becoming a recluse. We tried to get him to move in with us, into the house, but he refused. Herbert almost had to twist his arm to get him to accept our help—and you know what best friends those two have always been. We finally convinced him to stay, but he was resolute about keeping his distance. He insisted on living in the shed, and Herbert finally agreed, making the necessary adjustments. It was the only way he could keep an eye on Joel. Herbert has been very concerned about him; we both have.”
Each stabbing word inflicted a wound in Clemmie’s heart. Now she understood why he’d made no contact, and that hurt almost as much.
“He wouldn’t even contact my parents to tell them?”
“He didn’t want handouts.”
“Handouts?” Upset, Clemmie repeated the word forcefully.
Thea lightly grazed her teeth along her lip, as if uncertain she should answer.
“There’s more, isn’t there? Please, tell me.”
Thea searched her face then nodded. “There’s an operation that could relieve the pressure of whatever is pushing against his optic nerve, but it costs a great deal of money.”
When she paused, Clemmie filled in the rest, her anger at Joel’s mule-headedness rising to the fore. “So he decided it was better to stay blind than to tell my parents what happened and ask for a loan? The fool man,” she muttered under her breath.
“I take care of him as much as I’m able,” Thea continued. “Doing his laundry, straightening up after him, bringing him meals. That sort of thing.”
“It must be difficult, taking care of your family and your home, too.”
Thea glanced into her coffee, her solemn expression making it clear.
“Let me help.”
“What?” Thea’s head jerked up in shock.
“I can do all those things. I have some free time on my hands, and that would give you a needed break.”
Thea smiled, uncertain. “You’re kind to offer.”
“Nothing kind about it. Actually I’m selfish. Joel needs someone not just to tidy up after him and feed him, but to … be there.” She had difficulty explaining her feelings when even she didn’t understand them. “I want to do whatever I can to help him.”
“He’s changed, Clemmie.”
“We’ve all changed.”
“No, you don’t understand.” Thea fidgeted. “He’s … different. Hard. Angry at the world. At God most of all.”
The news didn’t surprise Clemmie, though it did distress her.
“He takes it out on anyone within reach of his voice. He can be cruel.”
“Violent?” Clemmie whispered in dismay. “He hasn’t struck you?” Joel often had been the mastermind behind pranks at the Refuge when he was a boy, but she’d never known him to initiate physical violence. At least not that she remembered.
“No no. It’s just that he’s so … caustic. With his words.”
Clemmie exhaled in relief. “If you’re worried about me—don’t be. I’m not afraid of anything Joel might dish out. I really want to do this.”
“Don’t you think he’ll feel threatened and angry when you tell him who you are? That someone from his past has learned the truth of the misfortune he’s tried so hard to hide?”
“You’re right.” Clemmie heaved a sigh. “Knowing him—at least based on what I once knew of him—he’d be furious.”
“He hasn’t changed in that regard.”
Clemmie frowned, again not surprised. His foolish pride had prevented him from contacting those who loved him, who would have cared for him. After hearing Joel’s story from Thea, Clemmie knew him well enough to be certain that if she were to reveal her identity, it would end her plan to help him.
“And he won’t be mad at just you. He’ll blame Herbert and me as well.”
“All right. So …” Clemmie carelessly shrugged one shoulder. “We won’t tell him.”
“What?” Thea looked at her as if she’d suggested they take a torch to his walls and burn down his home. “You can’t be serious.”
“Marielle is my middle name. He’d never remember that, even if he did once know it. Which I doubt anyone told him. Mama wasn’t in the habit of speaking it. Only when she was really upset with me. And if Joel ever did overhear, I highly doubt he would connect the two. Not like he would if I introduced myself as Clemmie.”
“Tell me you’re not actually going to pretend to be someone else.”
“Only for a little while. Just until Joel feels comfortable having me around. I’ll tell him eventually.”
Thea frowned in disapproval. “I don’t know….”
“You said your hands are full. This will give you extra time to take care of your family. I’ll take full blame should he find out. But there’s no reason he should. I’ve changed over the last three years, my voice included. I was little more than a child when he last saw me.”
Now that the shock of finding him—and in such a tragic state—had partially worn off, Clemmie wasn’t sure why it felt so important to try to reconnect with Joel again. But at least this way she could share in his life without being considered the intrusion he might think her if he knew the truth.
She was pathetic.
She was walking a thin line, and she knew it.
But this was Joel. Not some stranger. And he was in clear need of help, help she was only too willing to give.
“I’ll talk it over with Herbert tonight,” Thea said at last. “I can’t give my consent without him knowing the facts.”
“Fair enough. Ring me at Hannah’s when you reach a decision.”
Whatever the two decided, Clemmie grew firm in her resolve to remain in Joel’s life, somehow. Now that she’d found him, she wasn’t about to lose him again.