43

JUDE UTTERED A NEW language. His voice seemed to create a certain kind of echo when he talked, but it was likely that only he could perceive it. One of the numerous changes. As he spoke, his mouth took new shape, the phrases and riddles pouring off his tongue hot, like stomach acid.

He warred the thoughts that attempted to distract him from Rachel. Azrael’s grip was strong, constantly redirecting his mind to the interview in his apartment, and what remained there still.

“The case. Focus. Focus,” he told himself between the confusing patterns of a bizarre, dissonant speech. But the case wasn’t his focus. His brother wasn’t his focus. He had hurt Rachel, and Azrael’s relentless hold could not shut that painful reality out. The fear had been anchored. The regret was like a dagger; the flashes of memory crushing.

He caught a brief glimpse of his reflection and noticed how his skin hung off his bones like tough leather. His eyes had been affected as well, and they now peered out of a void cave. He was pale, terribly, ghostly pale.

“You don’t miss a beat, do you?” Rachel finally interrupted. He hadn’t noticed her enter the department.

The weird syllables were instantly squelched. He was thankful.

“Cat got your tongue, Jude?”

“Rachel, I…I’m sorry for what happened. I don’t know what came over me.”

“Funny. I was gonna say the same thing.” He watched her mouth drift from left to right, her lips no doubt wanting to shut out the very air she breathed. He noticed her hair was somewhat sloppy, unattended to. No makeup. No half-hearted attempt at a smile. She was a plain, un-thought-out sentence. No subtext. No poetics. Just the mundane facts of being human.

“So what now?”

Rachel took a seat. “Life goes on, right?”

Was that all she could say? Didn’t she want to talk? Didn’t she want to fight him, claw at his throat, and call him a self-gratifying pig?

“Can we talk?”

“I guess, for a microsecond, I refused to see the truth. I refused to see what was right in front of me.”

“Rachel, it wasn’t me. I swear to you, it wasn’t me.”

“Then who was it? I can’t believe I’m even having this conversation. For the duration of this case, business is business, and that’s it. I am not your friend. I am not your…toy. I’m a stranger. And that’s exactly how we should’ve kept it from the beginning.”

Jude took the weight of those words, and the blood in his neck began to boil. Azrael’s blood. He contained the rage, the frustration, the hurt. In all honesty, he never believed he’d be capable of feeling for someone like her. Never believed he’d ever get close enough to allow anyone to cut him out again. But the levies were breaking, and the grander question was whether he could still keep his head above water.

“Just talk to me. I never meant to hurt you.”

“Well, sometimes we get what we want, don’t we?”

It stung to swallow.

“I don’t think I want to talk to you, Jude, to tell you the truth. I guess I thought there was still something beneath that cold, black thing you call a heart that would let me know you’re not dead on the inside. But what do you know, Rachel? You were wrong again.”

“You weren’t wrong.”

“Oh geez. I thought I could do this.” She fumed. “I can’t.”

As she walked away, he watched her as if she were something created under a microscope, something to be studied and adored, able to be seen through and exposed. With a grunt, he wanted to follow. His broad shoulders slacked from side to side, and he could feel fingers stabbing into his spine, shifting his bones. In a fit of desperation, Jude reached for her arm.

“Wait. Please, just let me try to explain.”

She’s not ready for the truth. Don’t spoil the ending, sonny.

“Rachel, I have to tell you something.” Jude rubbed her arm, stroked her cheek. She violently shoved his hand away. “Something I should’ve told you when I returned.”

“Don’t touch me!”

“All right. But will you listen to me for five seconds? I know I don’t deserve it, but please.”

Careful, sonny.

“I just…” Jude rubbed his temple and grinded his teeth. “Can’t get my thoughts straight.”

She turned around and continued walking.

She’s got a pretty body. Wonder what it looks like from the inside.

“Shut up!”

She turned around. “I didn’t say anything. You see, this—this is what has me so confused. One second you’re rational, and then the next, you’re this lunatic. I refuse to play these juvenile games. I’m done with that part of my life.”

“Rachel, something happened to me. I can’t fully explain it because I don’t fully understand it. But it changes. I get…urges. Yesterday, it’s like something took over.”

“Yeah, they’re called hormones. Every walking dick has ’em.” She edged nearer. “Oh wait. I’ll do you one better. Maybe I do know what happened. You were infected…by the same crude, twisted, spineless disease that I had to deal with when I was teenager. Faces change. The demons underneath don’t. Geez, I can’t believe I let myself become so susceptible to it.”

Jude stood painfully stunned. He was dead wrong. She wasn’t ready to listen, not here, and definitely not now. “Rachel, this isn’t me. What happened before wasn’t me. I swear—” He grabbed his head and tried to ease the swelling vibrations. He knew he must sound like a record on repeat. “It’s happening so quickly.”

Don’t tell her. You really shouldn’t tell. Be a good boy, and don’t ruin it.

Spying eyes invaded their conversation. A secretary rushed over for a signature. The tension thickened by the second. He wanted to rip all of their hearts out. He wanted to blot out their eyes, suck them dry, like he’d done before. When he passed some of them, he was invited in. Azrael was invited in, but they were not part of the plan. The demon didn’t want them. He didn’t crave their penny souls.

“I’m not like the others. I’m not like…” His voice trailed off, muffled within the sound of a hundred buzzing demands, rants, and cuffed criminals brought in kicking and screaming.

“So what are you saying? That it wasn’t you yesterday? Do you understand how ridiculous you sound? Who was that man? Who are you?”

“I’m not sure, but I’m sorry.” Jude could hear the faint sound of his dying heart beating in his chest. Somehow he was still breathing, hard enough to say, “I think I love you.”

“What did you just say?”

“I said I love you.” Jude could feel himself for real. It was him—not the thing within—talking, and it felt good to feel like he was alive again, in control. “I’m naked here. I’m exposed before you. Don’t walk away.”

“I have work to do. You have work to do. I want to get outta this town as soon as possible.”

“I don’t want you to go.”

“You don’t know what you want.” With her fingers, she rubbed her eyes. “Look, just drop it. People are staring, and I’m not in a rush to create gossip.”

“Let everyone in here look. I don’t care. You hate me, and you should, but this is me talking. I screwed up. But I’ll make it right. Did you what I said? I think I’m in love with you, Rachel.”

“You think you’re in love,” she repeated, choking back a sarcastic laugh.

Jude nodded.

“Well, that makes one of us.”

“I can fix this, if you’ll give me a chance. It’s been a rough year, and this…has been the most bizarre week of my life. I care what you think, more than you know.” He reached for her hand. It was stiff.

“It’s too late, Jude,” she seethed behind clenched teeth. “I’m walking away now. Don’t follow me.”