I invented the Orgasm Loop (or O Loop), a revolutionary mind/body technique, in response to that question I’ve heard from thousands of women over the past two decades: “How can I have an orgasm during intercourse?”
I am not alone in reporting that this is indeed women’s number one sex concern. Everyone who deals with female sexuality for a living knows what the question is. And we all know the simple answer.
You would be living in the woods now had not so many trees been felled in service of the answer to that question.
Perhaps a better question is, “Why don’t women know how to come during intercourse?”
This is a more complex question than it appears to be. The obvious answer—and the answer I have been giving for decades!—is to touch yourself during intercourse. But this is advice some women aren’t willing to hear, much less follow. (What?! And let the Prince think his magic wand isn’t sufficient?)
So, I began looking for a long answer for women who just don’t want the short one. Here’s what I knew when I started: Women of varying ages and levels of sexual expertise have difficulty reaching orgasm with their partners, and sometimes alone. At least a third of women are reluctant to masturbate, or they do masturbate without touching themselves. (Straddling towels is surprisingly common. Yet no one writes about the problem of chafing.) While vibrators are increasingly popular sex toys, many women don’t know how get the most out of them. And they complain that they either have trouble becoming aroused or sustaining arousal during love-making, typically citing distractions like worrying about work or domestic chores when they want to be abandoning themselves to pleasure. That arousal problem compounds their orgasm difficulties.
I then asked myself, “What if I could figure out how all women can experience the great orgasms that many women do achieve during masturbation, and transfer that thrill to lovemaking?” I began by researching techniques for removing the mental roadblocks to arousal. Once I discovered the cognitive feedback loop studies conducted by Dr. Eileen Palace at Tulane University in Louisiana (U.S.), I knew I could simplify the concept, integrate creative visualization, add some adapted sex techniques from Tantra, and take advantage of a woman’s natural sexual arousal patterns. But the Orgasm Loop didn’t come together until I realized one day, while talking to an old family friend in Illinois—a man with several black belts, that energy focus as practiced by experts in martial arts was the real key to the Orgasm Loop’s success.
It was the most exciting moment of my professional life. I’ve tested it on dozens of women to date, with overwhelmingly positive results. The Orgasm Loop taps into a woman’s arousal potential and teaches her how to use her body to her own best orgasmic advantage.
The first few times you use the Orgasm Loop, you’ll have to think about what you’re doing. You will need to focus more on achieving arousal and getting your own pleasure than on your partner. (He won’t mind. The results will be worth it for both of you, because a man’s number one desire is to “give” his partner an orgasm.) After that, the technique comes naturally—as, hopefully, your orgasms will.
TIP
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Like so many women, do you start worrying about your orgasm shortly after the lovemaking begins? Will I—or won’t I? It’s the question that derails the love train. The Orgasm Loop takes the worry out of sex. You focus on arousal to the point where negative thoughts cannot intrude.
For women, sex definitely does begin in the mind. Like most women, you may not even know your body is aroused when it is because you won’t allow yourself the time to think about sex. Give yourself that time before the foreplay begins. Slip into the bathroom, if necessary. Close your eyes, clear your mind, and visualize arousal as an image, perhaps a color like red, or a flower like an orchid, or a scene such as the beach at sunset. The secret lies in keeping the image simple, clean, and constant, so that every time you see it in your mind, you think: I am aroused. The more you use the image, the more you condition yourself to be aroused.
Some women who tested the technique asked, “Can’t I make my arousal image a mental photo of my husband?”
No! The image of the man you love may call up different emotions depending on whether or not he did his share of the chores that week or any number of other factors. You need to tap into arousal as a pure force of its own
volition—a force inside you—not a complicated emotion dependent on your feelings at the moment for your partner. Love is complex. Arousal is simple. You must get inside your own sexual moment before you can be a good partner to him.
An important note: If you are using this step (visualizing arousal) during foreplay with your partner, keep your eyes closed as he kisses, caresses, and strokes you, and focus on your mental arousal image. Making love with your eyes open is great—once you are fully aroused. But in this beginning state, you need to focus on your own arousal, not your intense, intimate connection with your partner.
Imagine that all the energy in your body is focused in two places: one, a spot slightly below your navel, called the “inner chi” by devotees of Eastern erotic arts (because of its proximity to the genitals), and two, the spot at the base of your spine, considered the site of sexual energy by practitioners of Kundalini yoga. Imagine you are holding energy in those two places until they feel alive with sexual desire. Visualize the energy there. (Just as you can hold your leg or arm out from your body by willing those muscles to perform, you can hold your energy in place.) When you focus on the energy, you feel your body growing hotter and more desirous.
Now create a circle of fire by breathing deeply in and out and picturing your breath as fire. Move that fiery energy in a circular fashion as you draw a deep, slow breath into your nostrils and mouth. Push the fire breath down and feel it licking the base of your spine before you expel it out of your body through your genitals. Do it again. Breathe into your nostrils and mouth and out through your genitals. See your breath as a fiery circle that ignites your passion. Erotic breathing naturally turns up the sexual volume.
“The number one sex question we get from readers is, ‘How can I have an orgasm during intercourse?’”
—Kate White, Editor-in-Chief, Cosmopolitan magazine
Flex your PC muscles in time with your fire breathing. During intercourse, position yourself to make the hot spot connection (between your clitoris and/or G-spot and the head of his penis), and use your hand for extra stimulation, if necessary. That hot spot connection triggers orgasm, so use whatever position or leverage you need to get it. Because you have been concentrating so intensely on arousal and sexual energy, you will be more sensitive to erotic touch now than you usually are. You will reach orgasm quickly.
That’s right … if you want another orgasm, don’t stop.
Just don’t let yourself relax into the post-orgasmic state. Stay in the Orgasm Loop by closing your eyes and going back to visualizing arousal, followed by energy focusing and fire breathing. The next orgasm—and the one after that—will follow.
TIP
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Can he O Loop? Men have tried it, but with varying degrees of success. For the average man with no difficulty getting aroused and sustaining arousal, the Orgasm Loop may just get in the way. But men who have lost their erections during lovemaking report success using the Loop. The technique is basically the same for men as it is for women: Focus on an arousal image; concentrate energy in the genitals; and use fire breathing and PC flexing (Yes, men have a PC muscle too—and using it can improve their erections and orgasms.) The goal of the O Loop is to sustain erection rather than ejaculation.