“One of the underreported manifestations of the opioid-overdose epidemic now sweeping the United States is the sheer volume of complicated grief experienced by the surviving loved ones of those who died of an overdose. Feelings of shame, stigma, guilt, anger, blame, shock, and isolation put a heavy burden on those impacted by an overdose death—including parents, spouses, siblings, children, grandparents, and friends—and they may not believe they have a safe place to talk about it.”
In addition to SHOCK, NUMBNESS, AND DENIAL, you are likely to experience a wide range of thoughts and feelings as you grieve this death. First we’ll talk about the most common feelings, then, in the section starting on page 19 entitled “Your Six Needs of Mourning,” I’ll suggest healthy ways to integrate and find relief from the feelings you find most difficult.
ANXIETY AND FEAR may arise, especially early on. You may feel blindsided by what happened. Your sense of safety and security in life has been threatened by this sudden, horrific event, so it’s no wonder if you feel uneasy, anxious, or afraid. You may worry that something bad might happen to someone else you love, or to yourself. You might be anxious about finances or other practical matters. You might fear you are “going crazy” because of the powerful, disorganized thinking of your grief. You might even be afraid you can’t survive this. In the aftermath of a drug overdose, in fact, many mourners report crippling anxiety. If this is true for you, please care for yourself by talking to your physician or a therapist about your anxiety.
SADNESS, of course, is part of any grief journey. It’s normal—although so difficult—to be immersed in deep sorrow and pain. For most mourners, this is the hardest feeling to cope with. Many people who die of drug overdose are young, which compounds the hurt. Young people aren’t supposed to die, and they’re certainly not supposed to die before their parents and even grandparents. But regardless of the age of the person who died, you have every right to be sad. Someone precious in your life has been taken away from you. Allowing yourself to feel your sadness is in large part what your journey toward healing is all about.
Feelings of GUILT AND REGRET can sometimes go hand-in-hand with this sadness in cases of drug overdose. Parents of the person who died, grandparents, aunts and uncles, spouses or partners, teachers and other mentors—all may feel guilty for things they did or didn’t do, said or didn’t say. Overdose deaths often feel like they were avoidable. These “if-onlys” are normal and natural, even though what happened was not your fault or within your control.
SHAME is closely related to guilt and regret, but it is not the same. Guilt and regret are feelings you have about your own actions or inactions, while shame is something you experience when you believe that others are judging something intrinsic about you or your loved one. In other words, guilt is the feeling that you did something bad, while shame is the feeling, that you or your loved one are bad. When someone loved dies of drug overdose, shame is often part of the survivor experience because of the social stigma associated with drug use and addiction—which is something we as a culture need to work on changing. While if you have this feeling it will need, like all grief feelings, ongoing exploration and integration, please know that your loved one was not bad, and you are not bad—just human.
ANGER AND OTHER EXPLOSIVE EMOTIONS (such as hate, blame, resentment, and rage) after a drug-overdose death are also common and understandable. You may be angry at the person who died, for relapsing or for ignoring advice, good judgment, or safety protocols. You may be mad at others who helped get your loved one involved in drug use, supplied them with drugs, or enabled their dependence in any way. You might also be angry with God or a higher power over this terrible waste of human life. It might help you to understand that explosive emotions are essentially forms of protest. Understandably, you don’t want to accept what has happened, and so you protest the reality. Like all other emotions in grief, protest emotions are normal.
In cases of overdose death, anger may come out as BLAME. This can be particularly hurtful. If you feel blamed for the death, or if you are blaming others, it’s important to realize that what lies beneath blame are actually feelings of powerlessness and sadness. Yet mourners often feel justified in blaming others. Blame seems more powerful and action-oriented than hopelessness, guilt, and shame. And it often seems easier to live with anger and blame than the depths of despair. As with all explosive emotions, however, it’s important to befriend and try to understand blame so you don’t get stuck there.
Feelings of RELIEF AND RELEASE might also be a part of your grief journey. When someone dies who has been addicted to drugs for a long time and/or has had numerous relapses or close calls with death over the years, mourners sometimes feel as if they can finally breathe again. It’s as if they have been holding their breath this entire time, worrying that the addicted person might die or harm someone else, and now that worry is finally over. The sequel to relief may be guilt. Survivors often feel guilty about feeling relieved, but this dimension of grief is also natural and does not equate to a lack of love for the person who died.
Of course, grief affects not only your heart but also your body, mind, and spirit.
Grief is PHYSICALLY demanding, especially after a sudden, traumatic death. The stress may make you more susceptible to illness and bodily discomfort. You may also feel lethargic, weak, or exceptionally fatigued. You may not be sleeping well, and you may have no appetite. Your stomach might hurt. Your chest may ache.
COGNITIVELY, it’s common for mourners to report trouble concentrating, focusing, and completing simple tasks. Temporarily, you might also have a hard time with short-term memory.
SPIRITUALLY, you may be struggling with questions of faith, the meaning of life, or the possibility of an afterlife. You may be searching for reasons to get out of bed in the morning or go on living. Feelings of despair and purposelessness in grief are common and can be very hard to cope with.
Basically, YOUR GRIEF MAY AFFECT EVERY ASPECT OF YOUR LIFE. Nothing may feel “normal” for quite some time, and each day might be difficult. You might experience many different feelings all at once, and those feelings may change from day to day, or even from minute to minute.
If much of this is true for you, don’t be alarmed. You aren’t going crazy—you’re grieving, and grieving a difficult death at that. Trust that in time and with the work of mourning we’ll review next, you will eventually find your way to peace and a new normal. And in the meantime, even in the midst of your most challenging grief, you can also plan for and experience regular interludes of respite and relief.
OVERDOSE GRIEF AND YOUR FAMILY
Your family has suffered a traumatic death. Though the loss has affected the family as a whole, each person in your family will have different thoughts and feelings as they move through their grief.
It’s normal for family relationships to be stressed. To counteract this stress, try to be accepting of each other’s unique grief and mourning styles. Allow room for different understandings, interpretations, and expressions. Reserve judgment whenever possible. Extend love and compassion as much as possible.
And when the pressure cooker of shared but unique grief begins to boil over, reach out to helpers outside your family for support. Understandably, the stress of traumatic grief often prevents grieving family members from fully supporting each other. Within each grieving individual, there’s a naturally high need for support and a low capacity to be supportive, at least in the short term. When this happens, seeking support from friends, support groups, and counselors is the best way to ensure everyone’s needs are met.
Grieving children, especially, need the constant support of reliable adults. So if your family’s grief is causing grown-ups to be inadequately available to any children in their care, ask other grown-ups outside the family for help. Family friends, neighbors, teachers, coaches—many compassionate people will be more than happy to form a network of support if you just ask.