Chapter Four
LaMeka
I still can’t believe I nearly died. My mind replayed the events after Tony tried to choke the life out of me that night. I was rushed from the shelter to the hospital, where I was treated and held for two days. Pastor Gaines stayed by my side the entire time. He even got in contact with my mom, and surprisingly she came. That was the most I could ever remember her being concerned about me. She said that Misha had confessed the entire story to her about what happened, and she wanted to make sure I was okay. I almost busted Misha out about Joe, but it wasn’t the time for that shit. Besides, regardless of what Misha did to me, Joe was still a bastard of a man to fuck with a baby. Furthermore, he was even lower to sleep with his girlfriend’s daughter. So instead, I listened to my mom and remained happy that she was even around, because God knows I needed someone to be.
I couldn’t bear the thought of my friends knowing where I was, so I didn’t bother to tell any of them, and I asked my mom not to tell either. However, to ensure I kept my job, Pastor Gaines did stop by the day care, and they completely understood my situation.
For the first time in my life, I broke down and told my mom and Pastor Gaines all the hell I’d been going through with Tony. Much to my surprise, my mom was extremely supportive and offered to be there for me. I was shocked to hear that my mom had put Joe out for good. She actually admitted with Misha being away, she had a lot of time to reflect on the hell she’d put us through growing up. She confessed it was the same way her mom treated her, and even though she vowed not to do the same, somewhere along the way, that’s just what she had done. She vowed to be a better mother starting with kicking Joe out and helping me in any way possible. She’d offered to let me move in, but I needed to take it one step at a time. I didn’t trust her, Misha, or Tony. Hell, the shit they took me through was enough to make me not trust my own damn self.
However, Pastor Gaines was truly a blessing to me. Once I was released from the hospital, I stayed at the shelter for a couple of days before he was able to get me into a transitional house. Due to Tony Jr.’s autism, I was informed that I’d be able to stay there for one year rent free. Ain’t God good? I even met with the counselors from the shelter to get therapy for my ordeal. At first I was nervous, but Pastor Gaines was there to help me.
“Pastor Gaines!” I said, opening the door and motioning for him to come inside. “Come in. What brings you by?”
“Hello, LaMeka. I was just checking on you to see how you’ve settled in and to see if you were going to the counseling group meeting,” he quizzed me.
“Well, everything is coming along here at the house. I’m so appreciative of everyone at the shelter and at the church who has donated clothing and furniture for us. It has truly been a blessing for my sons and me. I saw Mr. Smith the other day, and I thanked him for fixing my driver’s side window,” I told him.
“Good. I’m glad everything is coming along for you, but you still haven’t told me whether you’re going to the group session.”
Lowering my head, I folded my arms. “Honestly, Pastor—”
“Here we go. Let’s hear your excuse,” he chimed in.
I shook my head. “No, I wasn’t . . . It’s just that I get my counseling from you, and I don’t see why I need to go around a bunch of people I don’t even know.”
“Well, I thank God that my counseling and advice has helped you, but you’ve been involved in a very serious domestic dispute. I’m sure you have some residual effects, or you will in the near future. Tony meant a lot to you, and what you went through with him was not only physical, it was mental and emotional. I’m not saying that ministry isn’t needed. All I’m saying is that God put qualified individuals in place to give you the kind of specialized assistance you need. My advice would be to take advantage of it.”
“I hear you. I do. But I just don’t want people in my business like that. I haven’t even told my closest friends about this.”
“Maybe that’s because they haven’t gone through what you’ve gone through, so you know they won’t fully understand.”
He had a point. “True, but still, I’d rather tell them before telling a group of strangers.”
“LaMeka, believe it or not, sometimes it’s easier to tell people you don’t know than people you do know. People you don’t know don’t tend to judge you or the situation. Plus, you’d be around other women who have been in the same situation. You’re a strong young lady, and your strength could be just what another woman needs to make it through. There is a blessing for everyone in every situation. Let them bless you, and in turn, you will bless someone else,” Pastor Gaines said convincingly.
Again, great points. Honestly, I hadn’t considered things the way he pointed out, and while I hated to admit it, it made sense. How could I not go after that convincing argument? “Okay, I will go,” I decided.
* * *
Although I was apprehensive about attending the group counseling session, I kept my word that I’d given to the pastor. At first, I sat back and remained quiet. However, the more I listened to the other women’s stories, the more it helped me see that I wasn’t by myself. In fact, there was a woman there who had a child with special needs. During the break, I introduced myself to her, and it felt good to relate to someone not only about the abuse, but about our children, also. I even opened up to the group and admitted my trust issues.
I realized Pastor Gaines was right. I did feel better having a stranger to talk to who could relate to me than trying to explain all of this to a friend. They understood in a way that no one else could. In the end, I was happy that I went, and I was going to make every effort to go back.
Even though it’d only been a couple of weeks since the incident, I was making some good decisions in my life. I’d decided to utilize the help to assist me with Tony Jr.’s medical condition, and I was more determined than ever to get my GED. Now with great counseling and medical help, I was determined not to let anyone or anything deter me. That was, until I saw the one person I vowed to catch a case for—Kwanzie.
Trouble was so easy to get into.
I was coming from a doctor’s appointment with Tony Jr. when I saw that heifer in the parking lot. “I vowed on my kids’ lives that if I ever saw your ass again, I’d beat the shit out of you,” I said, walking up behind her.
I was all set to pop her ass dead in the grill, Tony Jr. present or not, but the sight before me scared me more than anything in my life. Looking like pure hell, she had to be at least ten pounds lighter. Her face was sunken in with dark and gloomy eyes, her clothes were raggedy, her hair was thinned out. It was official. She was a certified crackhead. I stepped back because as much as I wanted to whip her ass, she looked like death. I was scared to be near her.
“I don’t want no trouble,” she pleaded with me.
“After the shit you did to me? Bitch, please,” I yelled at her, moving Tony Jr. behind me. “I should whip your ass right here and now!”
Tears flowed from her eyes. “I’m different. I’m getting off that shit, and I’m sorry.”
“You must want some damn money or something for being all kind to me. You weren’t talking that shit when you were up in my house, fucking my man.”
“Look, I haven’t seen Tony in weeks, and it’s for the better. He’s on that shit heavy. What I did was wrong, and I’m sorry,” she apologized.
I pushed her. “Fuck you and your apology.”
She put her hand up. “Please don’t,” she screamed frantically.
“Why not?” I said, about to charge at her.
“I have HIV! I don’t want you to get my blood on you!”
Her words stopped me in my tracks. My entire body felt as if it went into immediate shock, and instantly, bile formed in my throat, and I threw up. My throat felt dry, my stomach did somersaults, and I couldn’t breathe. Did this bitch—who I was forced to have oral sex with—just admit that she had the package? Oh God, no! She’s been fucking Tony! Oh God, my sister fucked Tony! I immediately thought back and realized that I did get a test and it was negative, but what if it was too soon to detect it? Was I infected because of Tony’s actions? Oh my God. Oh my God!
“You liar!” I screamed as the tears that welled up threatened to spill over.
“It’s true,” she cried. “That’s why I’m here.”
“How? Was it from Tony? When did you find out?”
She showed me her arm. “I got hooked on heroin. When I got clean, one of the other junkies told me they heard that my dealer had the package. I had been sharing needles with this cat, and he all but told me he’d given me this death sentence,” she said as fresh tears ran down her face. “I came to the hospital and got tested. I have it too. They got me hooked up with a program to kick my habit, counseling and treatment for my status. I ain’t gon’ lie. I’ve stayed away from Tony because I think word got out to him that I have it. I’m scared of him, of what he’ll do to me. I just hope that you don’t have it,” she confessed.
I’d been using female condoms with Tony ever since that day. Not that I even wanted to screw him. I just knew he’d make me. We’d actually only had sex three times since the whole Kwanzie incident, but still, I was nervous about whether I had it. Just as importantly, I was worried about my sister. I didn’t know how long she and Tony had been fucking around, but none of that mattered because he was raw with her. I saw it with my own two eyes.
Hearing the news, I couldn’t do shit but turn and run away. I picked up Tony Jr. and held him as I tried to pull breath down into my chest. My entire life flashed before my eyes. Who would look after my children if Tony and I both had it and something happened to us? I couldn’t even think of dying and leaving my children here, motherless and fatherless. I couldn’t have the package. I couldn’t. As soon as I was in my truck, I shut the door and held Tony Jr. tight as I furiously rocked back and forth and cried.
As if understanding my situation, Tony Jr. reached up and rubbed my face. “It’s okay, Mommy. I love you, Mommy.”
I held him closer and cried into his shirt. “I love you too, li’l man. I love you so much. Mommy is always going to be here for you. Always,” I said, trying to convince myself that everything was going to be all right. But my heart was paralyzed with fear. There was a possibility, a strong possibility, that I had HIV.