Chapter Eighteen
Charice
Since Ryan’s departure, I rotated my time away from the hospital with my mom and Ryan’s mom so that I could spend some time with my boys. I realized through this ordeal that I’d kind of abandoned them, and I didn’t want them to think I loved them any less because of Charity’s condition. However, I’d underestimated my boys, because they truly understood. Hell, they wanted to spend the night with their sister too. There’s just something about life-threatening situations that change everyone. Even the children matured suddenly.
Being in the hospital had taken a toll on me, though. I was tired all the time, and I was in desperate need of some R and R. One day, the ladies got together and gave me a huge surprise. We did a half a day at the spa, and then they treated me to lunch and purchased me an outfit and a pair of shoes.
“Hey, lady,” they greeted me as they came into the hospital room.
“What’s up, y’all?” I hugged each one of them, happy to see them, and then they all hugged Charity and played with her for a little bit.
“How are things?” I asked them.
“Aldris and I are wonderful—” Lucinda started out quickly.
“Oh, please, don’t nobody want to hear about Aldris today. That’s all I ever hear anymore is Aldris this and Aldris that. Let it go, Lu,” Trinity said to her.
“Well, forgive me, por favor. I’d think you’d be happy for me, but I guess you’re just hatin’ on my situation because you’re still stuck in yours,” Lucinda shot at Trinity.
“Come on, you guys. This is not the place for petty arguments,” LaMeka said to them.
Charity giggled softly. “My aunties are so funny, Mama.”
“Pay them no attention.” I rubbed her forehead.
“Anyway, we came by because we have a surprise for you, cuz,” Trinity said.
“And just what might that be?” I asked them.
“Since we haven’t officially celebrated your engagement and you need a little break, we figured we’d take you out,” LaMeka answered.
“Oh, thanks, but I can’t. I have to stay here with—”
“Oh no, you do not have to stay. I’m going to be here. You go and get some ‘me’ time,” my mom said, coming into the room.
“See, Ms. Charlene says so. You know we were going to come prepared. So let’s go, and let me see the size of the rock on your finger,” Lucinda said, staring down at the two-carat diamond set in a platinum band. “Ryan did good.”
As they gushed over the rock, I blushed before I bragged, “Yeah, I love it too, but it’s a temporary ring. My boo is getting a ring custom made. It’s going to be called the Charice Original.”
“Damn!” they all said in unison, including my mother.
“Shit, if that’s only temporary, then he should’ve just given you a Cracker Jack box ring,” Trinity said smartly.
“You’re right, Lu. She is a hater,” I agreed.
“See,” Lucinda said, pointing at Trinity. “Stop hatin’.”
“Heck! He has the money, so why not?” LaMeka added. “He can do what he wants.”
“This new ‘Christian’ LaMeka is so aggravating,” Trinity said.
“We should’ve left your pregnant, whiny, fussy ass at the house. How’s that for my Christianity?” LaMeka took a dig at Trinity.
Everyone burst out laughing, including Trinity, who put her hands up in surrender. “I’m sorry. You guys are right. My issues, coupled with this pregnancy, are really bugging me lately. I promise to be on my best behavior,” Trinity apologized.
“Good. Now let’s go,” LaMeka said.
I hugged my mom and Charity and left to enjoy my day with them. When I returned, I was so refreshed and relaxed. I didn’t realize how much I needed that “me” time, if for nothing else but to restore my energy for Charity.
Reminiscing on that day, I realized that little bit of R and R came just in time. Within a few days, we finally got the call we had been waiting for. Ryan was in the middle of training camp when the good news came. To say we were overjoyed was an understatement.
“Baby! They have one!” I yelled into the phone. “They have a heart for Charity!”
“I’ll be on a plane today. Oh God! Thank you! Hey fellas, we have a donor,” he yelled to his teammates. Afterward, all I could hear were thunderous applause, hollers, and well wishes.
“When is the surgery?” he asked.
“The transplant team and Dr. Nichols want to run some more tests to be sure Charity is still a good candidate for the transplant. The heart is being airlifted here as we speak.”
“I’m on my way out of the stadium. Once I get some things together, I’m outta here on the jet, but I will be there before the heart does. I promise you that,” Ryan guaranteed.
“Okay, baby, be careful.”
“I will. I love you, baby.”
“Me too,” I said and blew a kiss into the phone.
Finally, all of this madness was coming to an end so that Charity could be on the road to recovery. Ryan made it home just in time for the doctors to discuss her risks of surgery and after-surgery care. We were so excited but nervous at the same time because there were so many risk factors involved, but I refused to worry about that part. I just wanted the surgery to go well so that I could bring my baby home and we could live our lives as a family in New York.
“Everything is going to be fine,” I told Charity. “Daddy and I will be right behind this window, and we’ll be waiting for you when you come out, okay, sweetie?”
She nodded. “Yes, ma’am.”
“I love you, Charity. I love you so much. Be strong, princess,” Ryan said as he held her in his arms.
“I love you too, Daddy,” she said. “I love you too, Mommy.”
“I love you, too.” I kissed her forehead.
“I’m happy you’re getting married,” she said out of the blue.
Ryan and I looked at each other, surprised to hear her mention anything about our nuptials. “Thank you, sweetie,” I said to her.
Ryan Jr. and Ray came and played with her, and then our parents came in. Everyone got their chance to visit with Charity before the surgery, and then it was time. Ryan and I gave her one last hug, and then we headed into the observation room as they rolled her into surgery. I could hardly contain my tears as I watched them crack open my daughter’s chest like she was a damn egg about to be fried for Sunday breakfast. The scene before us was graphic, but after fighting the administration to allow us to view the surgery, Ryan and I endured for Charity’s sake.
The surgery was going fine, and then all of a sudden, after the team disconnected the bypass machine, the donor heart wouldn’t beat, and she began to flatline.
“Oh my God, Ryan! What’s happening to our baby?” I screamed while he held me.
“It’s okay. She’ll come back. She will,” he said as if trying to will her to pull through from behind the glass.
Soon, a nurse ran into our observation room and told us to wait outside, and a massive curtain began closing, blocking our view of anything going on in the operating room.
“Why? What’s going on?” I asked frantically.
“Ms. Taylor, please just wait—”
“What the hell is wrong with my baby?” I screamed, interrupting her.
“Please, Ms. Taylor, I have to get back inside,” she practically begged me. “I’m not doing Charity any good being in here. Please.”
“Come on, baby,” Ryan conceded as he lightly tugged at me, and we left the room.
Ryan and I waited for about thirty minutes before Dr. Nichols and Dr. Wellington came inside the waiting area where we were located. By the time he got there, I was a nervous wreck. My eyes were red, and my hands were trembling.
“Dr. Nichols,” I shouted and rushed up to him. “What’s going on?” I asked frantically as Ryan put his hands on my shoulders.
“Please tell us what’s going on with our princess,” Ryan asked more calmly.
“Ms. Taylor, Mr. Westmore, I’m so sorry. The surgery went as planned. However, once we disconnected the bypass machine, we were initially unsuccessful at getting the heart to start—”
“What are you saying to us?” I screamed.
Dr. Wellington took over and grabbed my hands, moving me to sit down beside him. With tears in his eyes, he said, “Charice, I’m so sorry. We were able to resuscitate Charity. However, she went into cardiac arrest. After the second attempt, she was gone for a long time—”
“What the hell are you saying to us, Dr. Wellington?” Ryan urged, his voice cracking from emotion.
Dr. Wellington took a deep breath. “We were able to bring her back, but she’s suffered a lot of trauma due to the lack of oxygen going to her brain during that time. She’s fallen into a coma, and she’s on life support. She’s in a very unstable condition, and right now, all we can do is watch and wait. I am so very sorry.”
“Nooo! Not my baby. You’re lying to me! Not my little girl! She fought so hard. You can’t be telling the truth,” I screamed at him as a river of tears slid down my face.
Ryan tried to console me between his own sobs. “Can we see her?”
“We’re wrapping everything up and preparing to take her back to ICU. You can see her then,” Dr. Nichols said. “I have to go back in to assist, but I want you to be prepared. The donor heart is beating, and right now, there aren’t any signs of rejection, but she’s very weak, and her condition doesn’t look promising. I truly hope that she can pull through, but it’s all in God’s hands at this point,” he explained before leaving.
“There will be no loss! Charity will not die! I refuse to believe that! No way,” I screamed on the brink of hysteria.
“At this point, it is out of our control. All we can do is wait,” Dr. Wellington said, trying to bring a sense of calm. “Perhaps I can prescribe a sedative for you,” he said, patting my hand in a feeble attempt to console me.
“I don’t need a damn sedative. I need to see my daughter and know that she is all right. That’s it. She will not die. Do you hear me? Nope, not my daughter,” I said belligerently.
Dr. Wellington looked sadly between Ryan and me. Ryan placed a hand on Dr. Wellington’s shoulder and nodded to him. “I’ll talk to her, Dr. Wellington.” Ryan excused him. Dr. Wellington gently rubbed my back and shook Ryan’s hand before exiting.
“Don’t tell me you believe them,” I said to Ryan.
“What I believe is neither here nor there, but we have to face this together, Charice. There is a possibility that Charity isn’t coming back—”
“She’ll come out of the coma. You’ll see. You’ll all see,” I wailed as I rocked back and forth.
Ryan nodded. “Okay, baby. She will,” he said and kissed my forehead. “I’m going to talk to our parents and friends.”
* * *
It’d been a week since the surgery, and I was sitting at Charity’s bed, holding her lifeless hand and praying for a miracle. I hadn’t eaten solid foods because everything came back up. The only thing that I’d taken for sustenance was broth and water to keep me going. But I stayed right there, only moving to use the bathroom or shower.
Jesus, if you rose Lazarus, why can’t you wake up my daughter? Even though she was on life support, her other organs were beginning to fail. The doctors said she had very little brain function, and with her failing organs, they said she was most likely not going to wake up. I refused to believe that, though. Everyone had given up hope on Charity. My parents had made their peace with it. Ryan’s parents, our kids, our friends, and even our reverend had said a prayer giving her spirit back to the Lord, but not me. She had to wake up. If she didn’t wake up, then I’d surely die right behind her.
I looked up as Ryan came into the hospital room immediately following an interview he’d done. Despite the obvious stress on his face, he looked good in his crisp Tom Ford suit. His Rolex and Super Bowl ring gleamed as he approached me, taking off his suit jacket.
“Hey, baby. I’m just sitting here waiting to see some kind of movement or something. It’s going to happen. Just look at our miracle. We’re together.” Finally focusing in on him, I complimented him. “You look good. Did the interview go well?”
He smiled and kissed my forehead. “The interview was fine, and yes, our rekindling was indeed a miracle.”
“Pull up a chair and sit with us. Maybe telling her stories will stir her so she can wake up and prove these airheaded doctors wrong,” I said to Ryan, and he pulled up a chair.
He rubbed my hand between his. “You know I love you, don’t you?”
“Yes,” I replied confidently.
“And I hope you know how much I love Charity,” he added.
I looked over at him. “Of course I do.”
Ryan got quiet for a moment as he reached for and rubbed Charity’s hand. He leaned back, and tears began to form in his eyes. “Maybe God is punishing me for being absent so my years by doing this. I don’t know.”
I hugged him for what seemed like forever. “No, God isn’t that cruel. He sees the change in you.”
Ryan was quiet for an extremely long time as he shed silent tears, gripping Charity’s hand while holding me in his other arm. Afterward, he pulled away and wiped his eyes. “I guess you’re right. Whatever He does, He does for a reason. He doesn’t make mistakes.”
“That’s right,” I concurred.
Ryan turned to face me and palmed my cheek. “If you believe that, if you truly do, then do you believe that He didn’t make a mistake by taking Charity home to live with Him?” Ryan asked me. “I mean, she suffered so much in this world—”
“Don’t say that to me.” I snatched my hand away and pushed his other hand from my face. “I refuse to believe that.”
“Ricey—”
I jumped up. “Don’t Ricey me! How dare you! You’re her father! You’re supposed to fight for her until the end!”
Ryan jumped up. “And I did,” he boomed and clasped my shoulders with his powerful hands. “This is the end—”
“No, it’s not!”
He leaned over to her and pointed. “Look at her, Charice! Look!” he yelled tearfully, but I refused. By now, tears poured down both of our faces. “All of her organs have shut down. Is this what you want for her? To be sustained by a machine? Tubes hanging all over her body instead of letting her rest in peace?”
“I just want her to wake up,” I yelled, beating against his chest repeatedly. “Just wake up,” I cried.
Ryan held me, and I slid down into his arms, crying hysterically. He patiently rubbed my back while rocking me back and forth to comfort me. Once I’d finally calmed down and our tears were no more than whimpers, Ryan sat and placed me on his lap, cradling me in his arms as if I were a baby.
“She did wake up . . . in heaven,” he whispered, his voice drenched in pain. “Our princess is now our angel, and we have to let her go, Charice. We have to let her go to her heavenly home.”
The finality in his words pushed my heart and head into a reality that I’d struggled hard not to accept. An ugly cry unleashed from me and racked my body. Ryan held me tightly, rocking me back and forth in his powerful arms until my tears subsided. Once I finally removed my tearstained face from his chest and looked up at him, he kissed me all about my face and head to comfort me as his eyes leaked tears and his lip quivered.
I could tell that this was shredding him into pieces. He’d been there for me, the boys, our family, and no one had been here for him. He’d had to suffer in silence while being the pillar for us all. All the while doing the one thing that I’d finally had to come to terms with. I moved out of his lap and sat down in the chair beside him, then looked at Charity. He was right. She was gone, and this was no life for her to live. The reality was that if Ryan was having this conversation with me, then he’d also been forced to have it. There was no way that he’d agree to broach this subject with me otherwise.
The time had come to let her go.
“How long do we have before we have to say goodbye?”
Ryan leaned forward with his elbows on his knees, his fingers pressed together, and his head bowed. He released a deep sigh as he wiped his tears. “I met with Dr. Wellington yesterday. Since Charity hasn’t shown any signs of improvement and continues to get worse, they are giving us until midnight tonight to voluntarily remove the life support.”
Hearing that our last day was tonight caused my eyes to drip again. There was no choice but to accept reality. It was time to say goodbye. “Did you gather the family? Is everyone outside?” I asked him. Unable to speak, he could only respond with a nod. “Then let them all come in and say goodbye,” I permitted.
One by one, each family member and friend came in and hugged Charity. My girls had come with their kids. Even a few of Ryan’s teammates and Lincoln had come down to say goodbye to her. Each one had tears in their eyes. They gave us hugs and condolences as they left to wait in the waiting area for that time.
“Sweetheart, do you want us to stay with you and Ryan when it’s time?” my mom asked in tears.
“No, we need to do this alone.”
After everyone cleared out, Dr. Wellington, Dr. Nichols, some nurses, and the reverend came in with Ryan and me. The reverend said a prayer first, and then Ryan and I said our goodbyes.
“You’ll always be my princess warrior,” Ryan said to her and kissed her forehead. “I’m so sorry I haven’t always been there for you the way I should’ve been. That will forever be my greatest regret. But I thank God for the moments we had. I want you to know they are forever priceless to me. You’re the light of my world, and I love you more than words can express. Baby, Daddy needs you to rest for a while until I can be with you again. Have a tea party and play with Barbie all day in the sun. And remember you’re golden. And please put in a good word for your old man with the Man Upstairs. I love you for eternity and even past then.” He kissed her again before turning away.
Before he walked to the side, I pulled him into an embrace to replenish a little of the strength that he’d given to me. His shoulders slumped, but he held it together just like the real man he was. He refused not to be strong in this moment for us.
Once we released each other, he moved to the side, and I made my way over to our baby girl. “Charity, please don’t think you disappointed anyone. You fought so hard. Having you as my daughter was the greatest blessing that God ever gave me. You made me better, baby girl. Because of you, I’m a better mother and woman, and I thank you so much for all you added to me and to this world. But your time on this earth has come and gone, and you made every moment your best. I will always love you, and I will never forget you. You’re always and forever my baby girl. Make sure you keep a spot in heaven open for me, your daddy, and your brothers. One day we’ll be together again. I put that on everything I love. So, little Miss Charity McKenzie Westmore, I release you back to heaven, my angel, because God loves you best,” I said full of tears as I hugged her.
Dr. Nichols went to move toward the machine to prepare to disconnect the life support as the nurse moved to escort Ryan and me out of the room, but Ryan stopped him. “Dr. Nichols, can we stay to observe? I mean, that’s if you want to, Charice.”
I agreed because I understood why he asked. Deep inside both of our hearts, we hoped she’d just pull through once it was removed. They granted us permission to stay, and with our consent, Dr. Nichols began shutting down the machines that kept our daughter alive. Soon the constant beep turned into a flatline tone.
“Time of death: 7:01 p.m.,” the nurse called out, and all that could be heard was the bloodcurdling sound of my screams as I lost my child . . . my only little girl.