In Chapters Three and Four we saw how important it is to act positively as well as think positively if we are to achieve happiness and contentment. Now we are going to take ‘act positively’ a stage further and address the importance of developing a positive body image. Quite simply, if we are to feel good on the inside we need to look good on the outside too.
This is not about trying to conform to some unrealistic media image of a model of perfection (responsible for so much frustration and sadness, especially in women). It is about achieving our personal best. Being body positive is about making the very best of what you have and making your appearance work for you so that you feel good.
Appearance is important, although some might try to tell us otherwise. Our appearance is usually the first aspect of us another person encounters. Rightly or wrongly, we make many assumptions about a person based on that first sighting. Research has shown that our initial impression of someone is very difficult to change afterwards, even when subsequent encounters suggest differently. In the first few seconds of meeting someone new we judge a person on many attributes, including their honesty, likeability, integrity, confidence and reliability, basing our judgement solely on what we see. And amazingly, research has shown that our first impression is accurate. In one piece of research subjects were shown 20–30-second video clips of job applicants greeting their interviewers, and were asked to rank the applicants’ characteristics – honesty, integrity, self-assurance, etc. Their assessments were shown to be as reliable as those of the professionally trained interviewers who spent at least twenty minutes interviewing each applicant.
It is thought our ability to make a snapshot valid judgement when we meet someone for the first time developed with our early ancestors in a primitive part of the brain. Their lives would have depended on making a quick decision on whether someone was going to help or harm them and whether they needed to run.
A blind person uses other senses – smell, touch and hearing – to create a mental picture of a person they are meeting for the first time. They will also make assumptions about that person based on the ‘visual’ image they create, which will subsequently be difficult to shake.
Not only is our appearance crucial to how other people perceive us but it is also a good indicator of how we perceive ourselves. Our appearance tells those we come in contact with how we see ourselves, how we rank ourselves and in effect how we are feeling at any given moment. If we are feeling good about ourselves the other person is likely to feel good about us too.
It is, therefore, essential that our appearance sends the message that we are positive, happy, self-assured and at one with the world, not only for the benefit of others but also for ourselves. Research has also shown that if we are feeling a bit down, then upping our appearance, for example by wearing something new or visiting the hairdresser, will make us feel better on the inside too.
Our body image comprises a number of areas that go to make up our appearance – that is, our outer self. Let us look at each of these in turn.
There has been much research on the subject of body language, and there are books and websites dedicated to helping us interpret each other’s body language. Briefly, body language is the manner in which we move, stand, sit, greet and leave people, and generally hold ourselves and what that communicates to others. Our body language gives off lots of subtle signs about how we feel about ourselves, which those we meet subconsciously note and interpret. We therefore need to express ourselves positively through our body language and this is how:
1. When standing, stand upright with your head held high. To achieve this, draw back your shoulders and take a deep breath. If you can’t take a deep breath then you are not standing upright (our lungs deflate when we slouch, reducing our intake of oxygen). Stand with your feet slightly apart: this suggests self-confidence and that you are open to interaction.
2. When walking, hold yourself upright, with your arms loosely at your sides, and walk with purpose. This reflects the fact that you are a positive person who has many aims in life.
3. When you sit, keep your back upright and supported against the chair, unless of course you’re relaxing on the sofa or propped on the bed.
4. Don’t fiddle – with your tie, necklace, hair, teeth, fingers, cuff, etc. As well as making others nervous it suggests you are nervous, or bored with their company, and that you may be unreliable, with something to hide. Keep your hands inactive, loosely folded in your lap or hanging at your sides, unless they are gainfully employed, for example in writing. It is fine to gesticulate to emphasize a point but don’t overdo it: it’s distracting.
5. Make eye contact. This reflects confidence, openness, co-operation and honesty. But don’t stare: it makes others uncomfortable. In conversation it’s acceptable to glance away every ten seconds or so (we usually do this automatically).
6. Remember to smile. Smiling is the most positive and welcoming signal you can give. It will tell everyone you are happy, good natured, approachable, warm, friendly and comfortable with yourself.
In my role as a foster carer I was recently interviewed for an article to be published in a magazine circulated to social workers. One of the questions was: If you were the director of children’s services, what changes would you make to the system? Plenty! I gave a number of heartfelt and well-considered suggestions for making improvements in the child protection system so that we can better safeguard our children and stop abuse. I ended on a lighter note with: Educate social workers (particularly men) on basic dress code. It is not OK to arrive at a meeting in washed-out jeans, open-toed sandals and a creased shirt, looking as though they’ve just fallen out of bed. It was a light-hearted jibe at how some social workers dress, but I meant it. I’ve sat in meetings and been appalled at what some social workers think is acceptable dress for a formal meeting. Clothes don’t just give us warmth and protection but make a statement about our values, personalities and role, how we expect to be treated and the importance we place on the occasion. Which in this example of the meeting clearly wasn’t much. We are judged by our clothes. They give off silent messages just as our body language does, and others will pick up these messages and make assumptions about you based on them. To be perceived as a successful and whole rounded person you need to dress appropriately.
The clothes you wear in your leisure time will largely be your choice, but your choice of clothes for work will have to conform to certain norms if you are to be taken as serious and competent in your role. However, within these norms there is room for personal choice. If you are uncertain what is appropriate wear for work, look around your workplace and see what others are wearing. If you are still uncertain ask your boss.
The following example, possibly extreme, demonstrates the power of clothing. A man who worked in a large fashionable department store was undergoing hormone treatment in preparation for a sex change operation so that he could live his life as a woman. He had been wearing men’s clothing for work but his psychologist said that he now needed to start dressing as a woman all the time in the last stage before he went ahead with the operation that would change his gender for good. Unsure how the company would react if he suddenly arrived in women’s clothes, he explained his situation to management, who were already aware of the treatment he was having. They were sympathetic and advised staff to be understanding. The following day when the man arrived in women’s clothes there were a few comments, mainly positive, and by the end of the week it was no longer a topic of conversation. In the eyes of his colleagues, and the public whom he served, he was now a woman and was treated as such, so powerful is the image our clothes portray.
Clothes should be clean with no frayed edges or loose buttons – stained, worn or untidy clothes send very negative messages. They need to fit – clothes that are too tight will make you feel big and ungainly as well as looking unsightly. They should feel comfortable and sit lightly on the skin; don’t wear clothes that chafe or irritate because that’s exactly how you will feel: chafed and irritated.
Not only do clothes make a powerful statement about the person we are or the work we do, but they can have a direct effect on our mood and personality. If you are wearing jeans and T-shirt, for example, you are more likely to be relaxed and impulsive than if you are wearing a suit. If you are looking good, you will feel good too.
The colour of the clothes we wear also sends messages which reflect and can even change our mood:
* Black: powerful and authoritative
* White: innocent and pure
* Red: feisty, emotional and intense
* Pink: calm
* Blue: tranquil and loyal
* Green: relaxed
* Dark Green: conservative
* Yellow: optimistic
* Purple: sophisticated.
You will probably find you automatically chose the colour that best reflects your mood but if you use colour to change your mood (as research has shown that you can) you will have to consciously wear a different colour.
Being body positive includes every aspect of how you present yourself: skin care, for instance, for both men and women. We obviously know the importance of keeping the skin clean by showering and washing regularly, but so many of us skip moisturizing. Don’t! If your skin feels good, then you will feel good in your skin.
Hair is possibly our single most important feature, which is why in television makeovers the new hairstyle is only revealed, as a finale, at the end. A new hairstyle can transform a person in appearance and also make them feel more vivacious and confident.
While culture, fashion and personal taste vary and the details of how you present yourself will be a matter of individual judgement and circumstance, when considering the details of your appearance ask yourself the following:
1. Is it appropriate? As well as clothing, hairstyle (colour and length) needs to be appropriate for the occasion, whether it’s work or leisure. So a purple Mohican is fine if you are a DJ on a radio show, but not if you are a high court judge. With body hair, piercings and tattoos, make sure that they are acceptable in the society in which you live and that they don’t count against you.
2. Is it complementary? We are all beautiful, and being body positive is about making the best of what we have. Does your make-up, if you wear any, enhance your natural beauty rather than obliterate it? Does your hairstyle complement your features and make the statement you want it to? Hair can say much about you as a person: short hair (practical, honest and direct); long flowing hair (sensual, approachable, sexy, impulsive); thick and shining (healthy); long hair tied back (organized and business-like); chin length with a fringe (trustworthy and dependable) – note how many women politicians adopt this last style.
3. Is it comfortable? Shoes that fit properly (ladies, with heels that you can walk in); hair that is manageable; and clothes that are comfortable as well as attractive will make you feel better.
4. Is it positive? Not taking care with your appearance suggests laziness on your part and sends a negative message to others which in turn has a negative effect on you. Conversely making the most of your appearance portrays a person with high self-esteem, so others will treat you with the respect you deserve. Clothes don’t have to be expensive or brand new, just clean and worn with dignity. And knowing you are looking good will lift your spirits even on a dark day.
Size does matter when it comes to your body image, especially in European culture. I am not talking here about trying to emulate the undernourished models of the catwalks or fashion magazines, but about being a sensible weight, which is important for your health and body image. Rightly or wrongly you will be judged on your size. Just as someone who is badly underweight will be deemed to be ill or have eating problems (and therefore psychological problems), so being badly overweight will give out the message you are out of control of your eating and therefore your life. Other assumptions made about the obese is that they are lazy, stupid, greedy and selfish. I fully appreciate this is not true of large people but that is how many will perceive and treat you, and that will undermine your confidence and well being. Find a weight that suits you and stay with it. I have been 81/2 stone all my life, except when I was pregnant. A stable and healthy weight is essential for your physical health as it is for maintaining happiness and contentment.