We are all faced with decisions every minute of every waking day: what to have for breakfast, what to wear, whether to take the car or walk/accept the party invitation/ask that girl out/voice our opinion or stay quiet. Life is one long decision-making process and the results of our decisions shape our lives at home and work, as well as affecting the lives of others. Being indecisive will result in missed opportunities and feelings of frustration and negativity. It is, therefore, crucial to your happiness and contentment to be able to make considered decisions within a reasonable time.
Decisions range in their importance and complexity, but when making a decision we all use the same basic decision-making strategy. We learnt it as children and then continued to build on it into adulthood. It isn’t a skill we consciously learn like the alphabet or the times tables but a mental process that develops as a result of being presented with choices and making decisions – large and small. It is worth taking a look at what exactly goes on in our brains when we make a decision:
1. We clarify and assess the issue that needs to be decided.
2. We gather the information we need to make the decision.
3. We compare the pros and cons of each option.
4. We select the best option and make the decision.
The process is the same for small or large decisions, although the timescale will vary and is usually dependent on the complexity and enormity of the decision before us. Deciding whether to accept an invitation to go out for a drink or which dress to wear are decisions that can be processed in seconds, whereas deciding whether you should relocate, for example, or if your mother should move in with you, would normally require more time. However, if you are not to miss opportunities you need to make all decisions within a realistic time frame, appropriate to the depth and number of options before you and the information that you need to gather. Decisions are never not made: even if we take the easiest option and do nothing, the decision is still made through our inaction, although the result might not be in our best interest or those affected by our decision. It is, therefore, much better to make an informed decision based on the information available; even if it turns out to be the wrong one, lessons will have been learnt. In addition, we all warm to those who are decisive, as they make us feel secure and confident in their ability to make the right decision.
People vary in their ability to make a decision but we can all learn to make better decisions in a more realistic time frame – i.e. become more decisive. Prolonged hesitancy and indecisiveness are almost always a result of fear (of the unknown or other’s reaction) and occasionally apathy.
Take the young man of twenty-five who knew his long-term relationship had come to an end but couldn’t make the decision to tell his partner for fear of her reaction and being disliked: I know I’m being selfish and I feel like a fraud but I stay with Sarah because it’s easier. If I finish the relationship she’s going to cry and be upset and all her family and friends will hate me. She keeps talking about our future together – living together and having a baby – and I sit there and nod and don’t say anything. I’m sure she can’t be happy with me. I guess I’m hoping that in the end she’ll get fed up and finish with me. It will be so much easier.
Yes, of course it will be easier if she finishes with him first. It would relieve him of the responsibility for the decision; of course Sarah is going to be upset when he tells her how he feels. But sometimes we need to make what seems a harsh decision at the time for the long-term benefit of not only ourselves but also those with whom we are involved. This man knew that by being indecisive as well as not being honest he was prolonging the inevitable and creating more unhappiness, when had he been decisive he and Sarah could have both been rebuilding their lives and meeting new people.
I understood from the rest of this man’s letter that he was normally decisive but had (understandably) got stuck with this issue because of all the emotions involved. Some people, however, have long-term problems with decision making.
Not as unusual as you may think was the couple in America who were both indecisive. It was the woman who wrote: I am hopeless at making decisions, and so is my husband. Even over small things. As a result we don’t seem to do anything. We desperately need to move to a bigger house. We are in a two-bedroom apartment which has no garden and we have three children. We’ve been house hunting for five years and must have looked at over 200 properties but we can’t make a decision. It’s getting me down living on top of each other like this and we are all arguing. The only reason we moved into this apartment in the first place was because a friend was selling it at the time we were getting married – it was easier than house-hunting … The woman carried on to say that she felt she and her husband were stuck in a rut because they could never make a decision to do anything different from what they had been doing since they’d first started going out at college. They hadn’t been on holiday for eight years because they couldn’t even make a decision where to go!
Indecision like this is based on fear of making the wrong decision. This works against us by stopping us improving our home and work lives. In the above example indecision kept the family stuck in a tiny apartment and never going on holiday (and much more) simply because the adults were frightened to make the wrong decision. Better the devil you know is the maxim, but it isn’t true. It is far better to make an informed decision: if it is the right decision you will benefit from the results, and if it turns out to be the wrong decision you will have gained from the experience and will be better informed if you have to make a similar decision in the future.
If you are someone who often takes too long to reach a decision, or never makes an active decision, resulting in you doing nothing, it will be affecting your happiness and contentment and you need to address your indecisiveness and correct it. This is how.
1. Set a time limit for making the decision if there isn’t one already set by external forces (for example at work). Stick to the time limit and don’t put off until tomorrow what you can decide today.
2. Clarify the decision that needs to be made and get rid of any pre-conceived notions. So often we misinterpret a request or situation because of pre-conceived or misplaced judgemental notions.
3. Gather the information you need to make the decision.
4. Compare the pros and cons of each option.
5. Select the best option.
6. Can’t select the best option? Then address the fear that is stopping you from making this decision. Ask yourself what it is you are afraid of. It helps to consider the negative consequences of your inaction, and the worst-case scenario if you make the wrong decision. Your fear of it won’t be as bad once you have acknowledged it.
7. Make the decision and act on it.
8. Don’t over-think and revisit steps three and four (which is what happens when you change your mind). You have considered all the options and made your decision. Leave it and move on.
The above schema works because it follows the way our brains work when making a decision and includes steps to get over the stumbling block of indecisiveness. These are: setting a time limit addressing your fears and not revisiting the decision once you have made it.
Perhaps you feel this is easier said than done, so let’s look at how it works in practice, using the example of the couple who want to move house. When two or more are involved, the process is more complex than when only you are responsible for the decision, as others’ views will have to be taken into account. But the decision-making process is the same if you are making a decision as an individual, couple, family, or large working committee in business.
1. The couple set a time limit, saying that by that time they will have made their decision. Given that they have already been house hunting for five years, I would suggest three months is a realistic time within which to complete their search.
2. The couple clarify the decision – i.e. the reasons for the decision – and they get rid of any pre-conceived notions. The reasons are that they are moving house because their present apartment is too small for their growing family. It is a practical decision for the good of the whole family. They have a pre-conceived notion that because they had problems finding somewhere suitable in the past they will do so in the future but they acknowledge that in fact that is not the case. Next they discuss and agree on the type of house they are looking for: size, number of bedrooms, location, etc.
3. The couple work together to gather the information they need. They register with estate agents and property-finding websites, as well as looking at the property section in the local newspaper. They make arrangements to view properties that appear to meet their criteria. After the visits they discard properties that don’t meet their criteria and make a list of those that do.
4. The couple compare the pros and cons. They write down all the good and bad points of each property on their list.
5. They select the best option from the list and make an offer on the house.
6. They find they can’t make the offer, so they address the fear that is stopping them, individually and jointly. They ask themselves what exactly are they afraid of? Losing friends? The upheaval of packing? Making the wrong choice? Then they look at the negative consequences of doing nothing: staying in an overcrowded apartment and getting on each other’s nerves. They ask themselves what is the worst-case scenario if they make the wrong decision: they don’t like the house/neighbours/location and have to move again. By considering all of these questions and confronting their fears the couple put their moving into a better perspective and will now feel able to make their decision.
7. They make the decision and act on it. That is, they make the offer on their first-choice house.
8. Having made their decision, they don’t over-think and revisit steps three and four (so they don’t change their minds). They have rationally considered all the options and have made a sensible decision based on them. If their offer isn’t accepted and a deal can’t be done, then they will make an offer on the next property on their list, reminding themselves of the time limit they have set for completing the task.
A word of warning: while couples can offer each other support, and share responsibility in decision making, they can also be catalysts for indecisiveness. Couples must be careful not to go down the path of feeding off each other’s indecision and thereby giving it a stamp of approval, which is what must have happened to the couple in the example.
Husband: ‘Supposing the new neighbours have rowdy children or a dog that barks all night?’
Wife: ‘I know, that’s what’s worrying me. At least here we know our neighbours are quiet.’
Husband: ‘Absolutely! Better to stay put.’
Had the wife offered a positive decisive statement in response to her husband’s negative one, she would have encouraged him to think more positively:
Husband: ‘Supposing the new neighbours have rowdy children or a dog that barks all night?’
Wife: ‘It’s a very pleasant neighbourhood. I expect the neighbours will be nice.’
Husband: ‘Yes, and hopefully they’ll have children the same age as ours so they can play together.’
Wife: ‘I love the property, it sounds fantastic!’
Whether you are one of a couple, an individual, or part of a group or committee, practise decision-making skills at every opportunity. If you are confronted by a mammoth decision that gives you a sick feeling in the pit of your stomach then address your fear and say to yourself (or to those around you if it is a joint or group decision): ‘This is a big decision, but it needs to be made as soon as possible, so let’s get on with it.’
One of my father’s favourite expressions when he was trying to motivate those around him to make a decision and act was: The road to nowhere is paved with good intentions. This is actually a misquote, a slightly watered-down version of The road to hell is paved with good intentions (usually attributed to Samuel Johnson, 1775). Nowhere or hell, it doesn’t really matter: we all knew what my father meant: it’s no use having good intentions unless you make a decision and get down to the task before you. To finish with another quote about indecisiveness made famous by the very decisive Welsh politician Aneurin Bevan (1897–1960): We know what happens to people who stay in the middle of the road. They get run down. So easily avoided by the decision to step out of the way.
As for the American couple in the example, they used the above decision-making strategy and are now happily settled in their new home.