Most of us accept that it is healthier to express our feelings rather than bottle them up. Research has shown that people who express their feelings lead happier and healthy lives; suffer fewer heart attacks, cancers and strokes. But expressing your feelings isn’t always easy. While few of us would have a problem expressing positive feelings, for example, I like your coat or That new hairstyle suits you, or non-contentious feelings like I’m very hungry or I’m too hot, many of us become very anxious when we have to say something controversial: for example, I don’t want you texting your old boyfriend, or I really hate you using my nickname in public or I wish you wouldn’t leave your nail clippings in the bath or, to our boss, I believe I am overdue for a pay rise.
The reason many of us struggle to express our feelings in situations like these is fear: fear of the other person’s reaction and that they will think less of us in the future. We all want to be liked and we don’t want to be thought badly of. So we bottle up our negative feelings until we can’t contain them any longer, and then they explode into anger and we say things we later regret. Either that or we continue to internalize our feelings, which results in gnawing frustration and low self-esteem, which seep out as irritability and all manner of physical and mental ailments.
However, the good news is that we can all learn how to express contentious feelings in a way that won’t cause another person offence or to think less of us. In fact, expressing our feelings in an appropriate manner can cause others to think more highly of us and treat us with more respect. Here are a few simple guidelines for achieving this.
How to express negative feelings
1. Identify and clarify your feelings. This may seem obvious, but so often our feelings become confused, especially if we have been brooding on something for a while. Ask yourself what exactly you are feeling. Is it anger, jealousy, frustration, greed, guilt? Have you grounds for distrusting the woman you work with or is it that she was promoted before you? Be honest. If you are being eaten up by jealousy then admit it. Once you have identified the feeling then clarify the source. Ask yourself what exactly is causing the feeling – i.e. what or who is responsible for your anger/upset/anxiety. It may be a one-off remark by a usually good friend, or something more ongoing and insidious, such as the attitude or behaviour of a work colleague towards you. It is important to identify and clarify what you are feeling so that you can deal with it appropriately.
2. Rate your feeling(s). On a scale of 1–10, how angry/hurt/undervalued etc. do you feel? This is important because so often situations are misunderstood and escalate because the people involved are starting from different places, with different perceptions. This is especially true when men and women interact, as their perceptions can vary wildly. When the average man says he is hurt, he means he is badly hurt, big time, and it’s going to take a lot of putting right. A woman may use the same phrase more lightly, in respect of a situation that a man might not even consider hurtful at all. Hurt, for example, might be the feeling that you are not being appreciated enough by your partner (rating 1–2); that you are the subject of ongoing malicious gossip (5–6); or that you are suffering from physical or mental abuse (9–10). By rating your feelings you will be able to choose the correct words to describe them to the other person, so reducing the chances of a misunderstanding occurring. A small hurt, with a low rating, could be expressed as I was a bit put out that … while with a medium rating you might say I was hurt that you … and a big hurt might merit I feel very upset and angry by …
3. Ask yourself if you need to say how you feel. Once you have identified, clarified and rated your feelings, ask yourself if you need to express your feelings to someone else or if the matter is something you have to deal with. Some things are better left unsaid is a very true maxim. Some feelings are of our own making, for example jealousy, greed, guilt or unreturned love; no one else is to blame and we must deal with these feelings ourselves. There is nothing to be gained (and indeed much harm can be done) by expressing such feelings to another: Andrew, I really resent you because you were promoted over me or Sally, I loathe you because you are happily married to my ex are feelings that need to be kept to ourselves. Feelings of anger, rejection or being undervalued, on the other hand, are examples of feelings we may need to express to someone else. If Andrew is gloating and telling you every day that he was promoted over you, or if Sally makes smug comments that her marriage is working when yours did not, you would be justified in explaining to him or her that their comments are unnecessary, and ask them to stop making them. If another person says something that causes you pain then the chances are you are right to say how you feel.
4. Choose your moment. If you have decided you have a good reason to express how you feel, choose the right moment to do this. It should be at a time that suits both you and the person you are going to address, and it should be done in private – one to one, not in front of a large group. In an even tone, begin with the person’s name, follow it with ‘I’ and prepare the person for what you are about to say.
‘Carol, I really need to talk to you. Is now a good time?’
‘Adam, I have something I need to discuss with you. Have you got a moment?’
‘Jason, could I have a word, please, when you’ve finished with your mates?’
‘Lisa, I need to talk to you when you’ve finished watching your television programme.’
An introduction like one of these, said in an even and calm tone, is non-confrontational and prepares the person, so that he or she knows you have something important to say. Once you have the correct moment and the person’s attention, and the two of you are alone, you can begin.
5. Say it. Remembering the feeling you identified and rated, choose appropriate words, with the emphasis on ‘I’ not ‘you’.
Aisha, I have a problem with the way you treat my mother …
Karl, I was hurt by the amount of time you spent with that girl at the party last night …
Mark, I am angry because …
Words like these are far better than something accusatory, such as You’re a self-centred pig who only thinks about himself!
Continue with a brief explanation of why you are hurting, angry, etc.; then stop and wait for the person’s response. If there is silence, then wait some more. Remember that you have had days, weeks or even months to analyse and consider your feelings, while the other person is hearing them for the first time. He or she will be considering what you have said, thinking back to the situation, assessing their role, if they were guilty and what level of responsibility they should assume. Be patient.
6. Listen. When the other person starts to speak, listen carefully. Hear what they are saying, not what you think they will say, and don’t interrupt or jump to conclusions. If the person apologizes – I’m so sorry, I really didn’t think I was causing you pain – and the apology is sincere and unreserved, then accept it graciously (see below). If the person has apologized before for the same behaviour but not changed their ways (as can happen in a marriage or other close relationships), accept the apology, but point out that this has happened before and calmly discuss how the person will stop it from happening again.
7. Clarify. If the person has a problem remembering the situation that gave rise to your feelings, or believes he or she wasn’t responsible for the way you feel and didn’t do anything wrong, then you need to clarify. Maintaining a calm, even tone, and explain in more detail why you feel as you do.
David, I joined this firm because I wanted to advance my career as an accountant. Calling me ‘sweetie-pie’ and asking me to make the tea and look pretty when you have clients in isn’t allowing me to do that. Indeed, I feel it is demeaning and undervalues my role as an equal member of this firm.
Then again wait and listen to what the person has to say.
8. Close. If you reach stalemate and the other person, despite you explaining how you feel and why, doesn’t believe he or she has done anything wrong, then you need to close the conversation and give them time to reflect on what you’ve said – which they will. To continue the above example, you can say something like:
David, I’ll leave you to think about what I’ve said. This matter is important to me; otherwise I wouldn’t have mentioned it. I’m afraid we must agree to differ, but I would appreciate you not calling me ‘sweetie-pie’ in future.
When you put it like this only the very unreasonable would take offence or not do as you ask.
9. Finish on a positive note and move on, whatever the outcome. You have expressed your feelings, handled the situation well (for which you can give yourself credit) and lifted the burden from your shoulders, so the other person is now aware of how you feel. End with something positive and appropriate. For example:
Thank you for your time. I feel this has given us a chance to air our views (when the person hasn’t admitted responsibility and needs more time to reflect).
Thank you for being so understanding. I’m sure things will improve in the future (when the person has accepted a degree of responsibility).
Thank you. I knew you’d understand (when the person has admitted responsibility and apologized).
Now move on. You have expressed yourself and life is too short to hang on to negative feelings.
If you are responsible for someone else’s negative feelings and they tell you how they feel, then show them the same respect and empathy you would expect to be shown. Listen to what the person has to say, consider your role in the feelings they describe and if you are to blame then say so and apologize:
I’m so sorry, I’d no idea I’d upset you.
I’m sorry, I’ll try harder in the future.
It won’t happen again.
As I’ve said before, none of us are perfect and recognizing when you are wrong and apologizing is a sign of a mature and rounded person. By doing so, you recognize that others need to express their feelings sometimes, just as you do to lead a happy and contented life.