My husband and my mother run my life. I always do as they say, even if it’s not something I really want to do. I go along with their wishes to keep the peace, but I also know it lets me off the hook. If something goes wrong (like our holiday last year) I can’t be blamed. I know I’m pathetic but how can I change?
I come from a traditional Asian family. My father was very strict (and domineering). He made all the decisions in my family and my mother never got a say. We all did what he wanted, all of the time. Now I’m married with a family of my own and I still leave all the decisions to my husband. It’s causing a problem between us because he is a lot more liberal than my father and believes a husband and wife should decide things together.
I wish I could be more self-reliant. I’m twenty and live at university so you’d think I’d be independent, but I rely on my friends for everything. I don’t do anything by myself. I knock for them before I go to lectures, shopping, the cafeteria and even the launderette! It’s become a bit of a joke, although they are kind to me. I was the youngest of five children and everything was done for me at home. I never had to take the initiative or do anything alone. I’m studying psychology so you’d think I’d know what to do to get over it, but it’s not that easy when it’s you!
I’m a thirty-one-year-old male and I rely on my partner for everything, and I mean everything. She even buys my underwear! At work I have a responsible job and make decisions all the time, but at home I feel totally helpless. I expect my partner to assume all responsibility and run the house and understandably she resents it. She says I’m putting on her. My father left us when I was a baby and my mother brought my brother and me up alone. She was always very strong and in charge. I guess I assumed my girlfriend would be the same when we lived together, which I know is unfair.
These extracts are from emails sent by readers who, for varying reasons, recognized they relied too heavily on others and needed to be more self-reliant, but were finding it difficult to change. We can probably all see traits of ourselves in these letters, with many of us feeling we should be more self-reliant. Self-reliance gives us confidence and a sense of accomplishment and fulfilment, making us happier and more contented. Being self-reliant says we are in charge of our lives, trust our own judgement, and are able to make rational and sensible decisions without relying heavily on others.
Self-reliance should begin to develop in childhood and then continue throughout our lives. A baby has no self-reliance but depends on its parents (or main care-giver) for everything – from being fed and kept clean to being safe and happy. Part of the parenting role is to develop a young child’s self-reliance in line with the child’s autonomy and independence. If children are encouraged to be self-reliant, then by the time they are young adults they will be making most of their own decisions and leading independent lives. Unfortunately many parents (often wanting to keep their children safe from harm) are over-protective. If children are denied access to the decision-making process by not being given responsibility, they never develop confidence in their own abilities and rely heavily on their parents. If left unchecked this can continue into adulthood, when they remain overly dependent on their parents, partner or close friend, resulting in frustration, under-achievement, low self-esteem and problems in relationships, as the writers above had found.
Adults vary in their level of self-reliance (for a number of reasons) but many of us can benefit from being more independent and having the confidence to say and do as we believe we should. I am not talking here about living life without the opinions, help, support and kindness of others – far from it. We all need others sometimes. Self-reliance is about being self-confident so that we are able to take responsibility for our lives and not be over-reliant or inappropriately dependent on others. It is also about knowing when to ask for help or seek advice from others as part of the decision-making process.
How to become more self-reliant
1. Always try before you ask for help. You are smarter than you think. If you are faced with a problem, try to work it out yourself, if necessary by researching in books or on the Internet. There is a vast amount of information now available on all subjects, so there is a good chance you will find the solution to your problem by typing the problem into a search engine or visiting the library. The sense of achievement you will gain by doing something you previously thought was impossible will be immense. Whether you are changing a light bulb or fuse, solving your child’s maths problem, choosing clothes or building a house, before you decide you can’t do it and ask someone else to do it (or worse, assume they will do it for you), try to do it yourself. I guarantee you will be surprised at just how much you can do. Each time you achieve something new your confidence will grow and eventually your mindset will be always to attempt something before asking for help. Look upon each achievement, no matter how small, as a stepping stone across the river to self-reliance.
2. If at first you don’t succeed, try again. This is an old maxim but a wise one: keep trying to do what you have set out to do and the chances are that you will eventually succeed. Only ask for the opinion, advice or help of others when you are sure you can’t do it.
3. Don’t be afraid to take calculated risks. Life is one long learning process and if you never take a chance you will never achieve anything. Success will fuel your confidence and self-reliance and if you are unsuccessful you can learn from your experience or mistakes.
4. No one owes us. We are not entitled to anything, so don’t assume others owe you. Once you are an adult no one – not even your parents, partner, loved ones or best friend – is automatically responsible for you. Don’t put upon them. Take responsibility for your life; we have to work hard for what we gain.
5. Think and act positively. Have a philosophy and develop your goals and visions, as explained earlier in this book.
6. Congratulate yourself when you achieve something you didn’t think you could. Whether it is removing a spider from the house (when you are arachnophobic), cooking a new dish or running a marathon, congratulate yourself. You have done something you didn’t think was possible, all by yourself. Congratulate others who have achieved but don’t expect them to congratulate you. You are not a child: you don’t need others telling you how wonderful you are. You achieve for your own satisfaction and self-development. This is the path to self-reliance.
7. Help others. Share your knowledge and opinions with others when you are asked. It’s a big compliment when someone values your opinion and experience enough to ask you for it. Not only will you be helping the person who has asked, but it will boost your confidence to be of assistance. Help the other person willingly but don’t take over. Just as you benefited from attempting tasks yourself, so will others. It is crucial for our self-reliance to do things for ourselves.