By following the advice in this book you will greatly reduce the number of times you feel sad or unhappy, and will be on your way to lasting happiness and contentment. However, even the most happy and contented person feels sad or unhappy sometimes. It is part of life to experience ‘highs’ and ‘lows’.
I make a distinction between sadness and unhappiness, and this is why. Sadness is usually acute and what we feel when we have lost someone or something very important to us, on the death of a loved one, divorce or the end of a friendship, for example; or when we are faced with a situation that’s upsetting – for example, famine, an earthquake, a plane crash or a child being abused. Unhappiness tends to be ongoing, a state of mind that causes us feelings of frustration and discontent. Agonizing over the past, present or future causes us unhappiness, as does not being satisfied with what we have. Virtually all the ‘lows’ we all feel at some time fall into one of these two categories.
Sadness causes a more intense pain, resulting in us grieving, probably crying, and we gradually recover from it or learn to live with it. No one fully recovers from the death of a loved one but eventually, having gone through the grieving process, we learn to live with our loss and take comfort from the many happy memories we have of that person. Unhappiness, on the other hand, often brews and can fester from dissatisfaction – with a person, situation, or our lives in general. While it is perfectly natural to feel sadness and unhappiness sometimes, both need to be addressed, or else our health and well-being will suffer.
In order to address and deal with sadness or unhappiness we first need to identify the cause. Using the two categories I outlined above, here are the main causes for feeling sad or unhappy:
Sadness:
* death – of a loved one or pet
* divorce
* separation – from a loved one
* past or ongoing physical or mental abuse
* loss of a friendship
* loss of a job
* regret at a missed opportunity
* disappointed by an outcome
* ill health in ourselves or those we are close to.
Unhappiness:
* unaddressed anger
* unhappy marriage or bad family relationships
* not enough money
* lack of responsibility for your life
* dwelling on negative thoughts
* negative or anti-social behaviour
* no close friends or family
* lack of goals, visions or incentives
* poor body image and low self-esteem
* always seeing the worst in other people or outcomes
* stress
* jealousy
* frustration
* being overly dependent on others
* living in the past
* unable to express our feelings or true self
* drug or alcohol abuse
* fear of rejection or failure; fear of trying anything new
* turmoil in the country in which we live.
Sadness is more easily identified, as it tends to be incident led. You will be aware of what has happened in your life to make you feel sad, and know it is OK to be feeling sad, and possibly cry – that is appropriate and natural to do so. Those close to you will empathize with what you are going through, and give support and a shoulder to cry on. Not only will it be appropriate to be sad at this time but it will be important that you express your sadness as part of the eventual healing process.
Unhappiness, on the other hand, can be more difficult to identify, often because we don’t want to acknowledge the cause (and therefore set about changing it), or because it has been part of our lives for so long we have accepted it as our base line. But the causes of unhappiness are identifiable, and as you go through the steps outlined in this book – letting go of anger, taking responsibility for your life and focusing on the positive, etc. – the cause of your unhappiness will become apparent. So you will be able to deal with it and eliminate or greatly reduce its effect. Of course, you are still going to feel unhappy sometimes, just as you will feel sad sometimes: that is normal. But having read this book you should be able to recognize the cause of your sadness or unhappiness and use the strategies you have learnt to deal with it.
It would be naïve of me, however, to say that once you make all the changes necessary to lead a happy and contented life you will never have a downturn or what we call an off day. This is when, for no good reason, you feel unhappy and at odds with the world. It may be you got out of bed with this heavy feeling or perhaps it descended on you as the day wore on. If this happens, acknowledge what you are feeling, assure yourself it is temporary and a normal part of life, and then give yourself a happiness boost to get you back on track.
A happiness boost does exactly what it says on the packet. It is an instant pick-me-up that gives you an immediate lift back on to the path of happiness and contentment. It is not designed to offer long-term solutions to the areas in your life that are causing you unhappiness – the rest of this book does that. What the happiness boost does is to re-focus your mind and body (you will remember from earlier chapters that mind and body are so interconnected that they act as one, and therefore need to be treated together) so that you feel positive and happy. The happiness boost can be carried out anywhere and at any time.
1. Smile. When you smile, all those tiny facial muscles send messages to your brain telling it you are happy, and so you are. Smiling triggers happiness in the brain. Smile, in a mirror if there is one available; if not, just smile wherever you are. Feel the muscles in your face lift – your lips and mouth curve up; your cheeks rise; and your eyes open wide. Hold the smile for five seconds and repeat twice. Feel your spirits rise.
2. Relax. While you are smiling, consciously relax your neck, shoulders and arms. It doesn’t have to be an obvious gesture if you are with other people, just a subtle loosening of these muscles. When you feel low you tense these muscles, even if you are slumped from lethargy or despondency. Relaxing them tells your brain you are no longer tense and, with the smile, makes you feel you are happy in your life.
3. Think positively. Our old friend positive thought again and for a happiness boost you need to focus on one thing you can look forward to. It doesn’t have to be anything big: the thought of the nice meal you are going to cook when you get home can give you just as much of a happiness boost as looking forward to the holiday you are planning for the summer. Other happiness boost thoughts might be:
* leaving the office on time and going home to relax
* tucking up your little ones in bed for the night so that you can have some me time
* a game of tennis or round of golf
* phoning a friend and having a good chat
* making love
* buying a new outfit or even a bar of chocolate.
Think of something nice that you can look forward to and your spirits will rise from the anticipated pleasure. I know the promise of cake and coffee has seen me through many a gloomy meeting.
4. Jump. Star jump if you are somewhere where this is possible. As you jump into the air, spread your arms and legs as wide as you can. Your body will become buoyant and your mind will too. Six star jumps is all that is required to speed up your pulse, get the adrenaline going and kick-start your system into feeling good. Combined with steps 1, 2 and 3 it will give your happiness a big boost. If it’s not possible to star jump (if you are in a meeting, for example), then stretch – your legs, arms and back – as much as is possible. You could drop your pen under the table and stretch to retrieve it; or if you are in a car, stretch as much as the space will safely allow. The movement of stretching will send blood rushing to your muscles and will kick-start your system, which, together with the smile, relaxing your muscles and a positive thought, will boost your happiness.
5. Enjoy the sun. UV rays which come from the sun have been given a bad press in the past, but recent research has shown that ten to fifteen minutes’ sunlight a day on exposed skin (i.e. skin not covered by clothes or sun cream) not only boosts our immune system but instantly makes us feel better. This is because sunlight increases the serotonin levels in our bodies. Serotonin, you will remember, is the chemical that affects our mood and general mental health. It is nature’s opium, a feel-good chemical, lack of which causes SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) in many of the population. Even in the middle of winter a blast of sunlight on our faces will help give us a happiness boost.
Use the happiness boost when you feel down and you will quickly shake off the gloom and feel the joy of life again.