The aliens weren’t the only ones enjoying the hot ice-cream party—Jill and Terry joined in as well. They were jumping around, trying to catch fresh scoops of hot ice-cream in their hands and mouths just as fast as Edward could throw them.
‘Attention all aliens!’ announced the giant eyeball. ‘May I remind you, this is an intergalactic death battle, not an intergalactic hot ice-cream party. Resume fighting immediately!’
But the aliens took absolutely no notice—except for one, which looked up at the eyeball and spat hot ice-cream right at it.
It was a direct hit—the hot ice-cream hit the eyeball right in the … well … right in the eyeball!
It went all bloodshot and watery and was obviously in a lot of pain.
That’s when I had an idea.
It was possibly one of the greatest ideas I’ve ever had. Possibly one of the greatest ideas anybody has ever had in the history of people having great ideas!
I rode the elevator to the soap bubble blaster level and ran to the control panel. I selected an EXTRA BIG, EXTRA SOAPY, EXTRA BUBBLY SOAP BUBBLE BLIZZARD.
The machine rumbled and grumbled …
shuddered and shook …
and blasted out a blinding blizzard of bubbles—thousands and millions and billions of bubbles.
If you’ve ever had a bath (and I hope you have!), then you would know that soap bubbles and eyeballs are natural enemies. So now a new battle started: an intergalactic giant-flying-eyeballs versus soap-bubbles battle!
And it was a battle the soap bubbles were clearly winning. The eyeballs—blinded and driven mad by the stinging—were just flying around, crashing into each other and bursting like huge bags of watery jelly (which is not surprising, really, because that’s exactly what giant eyeballs are).
Meanwhile, the aliens took advantage of the mayhem and made a run for it.
‘Hey, Andy!’ said Terry when I returned to the battlefield. ‘You’ll never guess what just happened!’
‘Let me try,’ I said. ‘A soap bubble blizzard stung all the eyeballs and the aliens made a run for it?’
‘YES!’ said Terry. ‘How did you know?’
‘Because, while you and Jill were busy having a hot ice-cream party, it was me who started the blizzard!’
‘Great idea, Andy!’ said Jill.
‘I know!’ I said.
‘I’ve got a great idea, too,’ said Terry. ‘Let’s get out of here!’
‘I’d like nothing better than to leave this eyeball-infested planet,’ I said. ‘But how? Our tree is an amazing tree, but it’s not a rocket.’
‘If only I had my yo-yo,’ said Terry.
‘What possible use would a yo-yo be to us now?’ I said.
‘Well, it could help to pass the time for one thing,’ Terry said. ‘But, more importantly, the yo-yo I ordered on yoBay last week came with four free rocket boosters. We could have attached them to the tree and blasted off.’
‘Hey,’ said Terry. ‘That sounds like Bill the postman’s scooter horn.’
‘It does,’ I said. ‘But what would Bill be doing out here on Eyeballia?’
‘Delivering the mail, of course!’ called a voice that sounded just like Bill’s … and there was a good reason for that, and that’s because it was Bill’s.
‘I have a parcel for Terry, which I tried to deliver, but just as I arrived your tree took off. So I followed you.’
‘You followed us into space and all the way to Eyeballia?’ said Jill.
‘Well, I had no choice,’ said Bill. ‘When I became a postman I swore an oath to deliver the mail no matter where and no matter what.’
Bill put a hand on his heart and began reciting his oath:
No matter how near,
No matter how far,
Whether the house next door,
Or the farthest star,
No matter how high,
No matter how low,
Where the mail is addressed
That’s where I go.
Neither heat of day,
Nor gloom of night,
Neither birds that swoop,
Nor dogs that bite,
Neither cats that scratch,
Nor scary ghost,
Shall EVER prevent me
From delivering the post.
Neither snow nor rain,
Nor cannon blast,
Neither killer bees,
Nor plaster cast,
Neither yetis nor dragons,
Nor storm of hail,
Shall EVER prevent me
From delivering the mail.
Bill took his hand off his heart and wiped a tear from his eye. ‘As you can see,’ he said, ‘I take my job very seriously.’
He reached into his mail bag and pulled out a small parcel. ‘Here’s the yo-yo you ordered, Terry.’
‘And here are your three bonus rocket boosters. There were four but I borrowed one to get here. I hope you don’t mind.’
‘I don’t mind at all,’ said Terry. ‘Thank you, Bill, you’re the greatest postman in the whole world!’
‘You mean the whole universe,’ said Jill.
‘I don’t know about that,’ chuckled Bill. ‘Just doing my job.’
It didn’t take long to strap the rocket boosters to the trunk of the tree. (We didn’t have straps so we used heavy duty toilet paper instead. Don’t worry, it was fireproof as well.)
‘Prepare for lift-off,’ I said.
There was a massive whoosh as we shot up through Eyeballia’s atmosphere and out into space.
‘Goodbye, Eyeballia,’ I yelled above the roar of the rocket boosters.
‘And good riddance!’ yelled Jill.