I wake and stretch, elongating my body until the tips of my toes curl and a yawn begins. Then I open my eyes and remember where I am.
My body tingles as I remember last night’s love making. I’ve never had sex like that before. It was so beautiful. A true give and take. I wasn’t worried about whether I would please him or if he wanted me. I knew it without him having to say a word.
I pull the covers close against my body and study the empty spot beside me in the bed. I sit up and listen. I smell coffee brewing and in the kitchen, I can hear Judd stirring things and…humming?
I smile and search the floor for my clothes. I wish I’d anticipated spending the night with him. I would have at least thrown a change of clothes and some basic makeup into my bag. My purse must be somewhere in the living room, but I think the only thing I have in there is lip gloss anyway.
I breathe into my hand and sniff. Ugh. Morning breath. And my hair is probably atrocious. I can’t let him see me like this.
I briefly consider trying to sneak out the front door, but I know that’s ridiculous. I close my eyes and collapse back into the pillows.
God, I had such an amazing time last night. It almost doesn’t seem real. I keep waiting for the bad news. No one’s this perfect.
I snuggle into the covers and catch a whiff of his cologne. I bring his pillow to my face and bury my head in it, my legs shaking at the familiar scent that is now closely tied to the memory of an earth-shattering orgasm.
Judd’s laughter carries across the room and I practically throw his pillow.
“Were you just smelling my pillow?” he asks.
I cut my eyes over to him and nearly have the breath knocked out of me. He’s wearing nothing but a pair of pj bottoms that hang low on his waist. A trail of blond hair runs down his chest and I follow it down to his waistband, my mouth going dry at the sight of his perfect, hard body in the light of day.
He pushes his hair back behind his ear on one side and smiles. “Totally busted,” he says. He walks to the end of the bed and climbs up toward me.
I giggle and hide myself inside the covers.
He yanks them from me and lays down on top of me. I’m completely naked except for my panties. I have almost zero makeup on and my long hair is knotted to hell.
But the way he looks at me takes my breath away.
There is no judgment in his eyes. No criticism. Only adoration.
“How is it possible you look even more beautiful this morning than ever?” he says, running his finger along my jawline.
I turn my head, wanting to hide under something. But there’s nowhere to hide. I’m completely exposed. “I look gross and my breath stinks,” I say.
He shakes his head. “You’re stunning.”
I swallow hard, my heart pounding against his arm draped across my chest.
He lowers his lips to mine. I pull away, suddenly feeling more vulnerable than ever. There’s something stirring between us that’s deeper than just a fling or a casual relationship. This is way more. My stomach twists, and I’m not sure I’m ready for this.
I try to climb off the bed, but he doesn’t let me run away. “Hey,” he says. “What’s wrong?”
I shrug and push him off so I can sit up. My throat feels like it’s closing up all of a sudden. I feel claustrophobic and enclosed in this room.
“I should probably get dressed and head home so I can shower and get ready for work.”
He sits up and watches me as I scramble to pick up my scattered clothing. “It’s only eight in the morning,” he says. “You’ve got hours before you have to be at work.”
I shake my head so my hair will drape over my face. I feel like I can’t breathe.
“I know, but I have to shower and I really should try to get some studying in before.”
He doesn’t say anything, but I feel the atmosphere in the room shift. I look up and see nothing but pure disappointment in his expression. Maybe the small hint of fear.
He moves to the edge of the bed and stands up. He takes my hand. “Did I do something wrong?”
“No,” I say, meeting his eyes so he’ll know I mean it. “Last night was amazing. I’m just…”
I don’t finish that thought. I can’t explain how I’m feeling. It’s uncomfortable. Uncertain.
Fucking terrified.
“So stay,” he says. “I’m making breakfast. I thought we could hang out for a while this morning, then tonight I could come by The Cup when you get off work.”
I step away, not even sure why I’m doing it. But suddenly I’m scared. I’m a cornered rabbit and I just need to run. This room feels very small and hot and I can’t breathe.
“I’m sorry,” I say, backing toward the bathroom.
I dress as fast as I can, my heart going back and forth between the bravery I felt last night and the fear I’ve lived with the other 21 years of my life.
I know I’m stupid for not melting into his kisses this morning, but something about the way he told me I was beautiful scared the shit out of me. The way he looked at me. The way he touched me. Like he could see the deepest parts of me.
Like he loved me.
I’m used to having a safe buffer between me and my emotions. I’m used to being able to sit back and think about how I want things to go. With Judd, it’s all instinct and in the moment. It’s raw. And it’s real. There’s no time to think and I’m not sure I can do this. It feels dangerous.
I brush my hair with his brush, throw my clothes on, and head back out. He’s in the kitchen leaning against the counter with a cup of coffee in his hand. He put on a t-shirt and it feels like just another layer between us. My heart aches for the freedom I felt last night. I wish I could be that person for him now.
“I can’t even talk you into a cup of coffee?” he asks.
I frown and shake my head. “No thanks,” I say. “I had a really great time last night, though.”
“Did you?” he asks.
My head snaps up. Oh God, he’s going to do that honesty thing again. I glance toward the door, wondering how fast I could get there from here. I need time to think through what I’m feeling before I can talk about it.
“Yes,” I say, brightening my tone, trying to fake him out. “Of course I did.”
He narrows his eyes. “Because last night didn’t feel like this,” he says. “Last night was…really you and really me, you know? Then all of a sudden, there’s this wall here between us. What happened?”
I swallow. “I’m sorry. I’m used to a relationship with walls,” I say. “This is new for me and I need for you to give me some time.”
“Okay,” he says.
Tears spring to my eyes. “I’m sorry,” I say. There’s so much more in my heart that I want to tell him, but I’m scared he’ll think I’m crazy. I’m scared it won’t make any different and will just open myself up to more pain. “I’ll talk to you later.”
I walk over and lift up on my toes to give him a soft kiss on the cheek.
He’s tense and doesn’t smile or move to kiss me back.
I turn, a familiar heaviness in the pit of my stomach as I walk through the front door, putting yet another wall between us. It doesn’t hit me until I’m pulling into the parking lot at my apartment that somewhere along the way last night, I stopped comparing him to Preston.