“I’m not so scary.” Alex leans forward and smiles. “Care to explain?”
Why couldn’t he just let this go?
I close my eyes and take a deep breath. Damn he’s stubborn, but he isn’t going to get it until I put it all out there. “You may be fine with the no sex for now. But, the day will come when you want to take that step and I’m not going to be willing.”
“I think I’ve already told you that isn’t a problem.”
“That’s easy to say now, but it’s happened before.”
“So, you are judging me by the past assholes in your life?”
I wince. It’s exactly what I’m doing, whether it’s right or wrong. “I was fine with those breakups, not that they were serious or anything, and only a few weeks of dating, if that. But I already like you more than I did them.”
He grins at me. Damn his cocky confidence.
“They were easy to say no to. I’m afraid of falling for you and you walking, leaving me hurt. Or, giving into the temptation that is only you and then stressing each month until I get my period.”
“I knew you couldn’t resist me.”
Alex stands and stalks toward me all predatory and then sits down next to me. The two of us on a bed is the one thing that scares me more than anything.
Then he takes my hand and kisses the back of it, all tender, before kissing my cheek.
“Let me explain something to you that I’ve never explained to anyone else.”
I take a deep breath. “Okay.”
“I had a lot of sex when I got out of Baxter.”
“That isn’t exactly what I wanted to hear.”
“Hell, I fucked almost any willing girl those first two years at college.”
Even though I won’t have sex with him, that doesn’t mean I want to hear about everyone he has had sex with. “You aren’t helping yourself, Alex.”
“Then, I saw my mom.”
My heart sinks.
“I didn’t want to be like her. Fucking because it felt good, half the time not remembering the girl’s name a month later.”
“That’s different,” I point out.
“How? She was making money off of sex with no intimacy. I sure as hell wasn’t intimate with anyone I had sex with. She went from one guy to the next until she got one to take her away from it all. That also included me. I was just having sex until the next girl came along to have sex with.”
“You haven’t fucked anyone since?”
“One.” He shrugs. “I was in a short relationship, but that’s it.”
I still don’t understand where he’s going “Why are you telling me this?”
“Because, I’ve come to value intimacy over sex.”
“Intimacy is sex.”
“No,” he corrects. “Too many people make that mistake.” He turns toward me. “Intimacy is in here.” Her kisses my forehead. “And in here.” He places a hand over his heart. “And here.” He grabs my hand again, then runs a finger over the pulse at my wrist. “When you know someone’s ugliness as well as you know their beauty, then you’re intimate.”
I stare into his intense blue eyes, feeling every word. My heart is beating so strongly, and I can barely breathe.
“When we reach that level of intimacy, then we’ll discuss the rest, but we aren’t even close to that.”
“What if we never are?”
The left side of his mouth quirks. “We will be.”
“What makes you so certain?”
“Because I’ve never felt this way about anyone, Kelsey. Since Thanksgiving I’ve felt like I’ve woken up from a very long sleep.”
“I feel the same. But what if I still won’t have sex with you?”
“We won’t have sex.”
“It’s that easy for you to say? I felt you pressed against my ass last night, Alex.”
Is he just feeding me lines of bullshit hoping I’ll cave? I so hope he’s not because I’ll never trust a guy again.
“I can decide what I will and won’t do, and make those decisions with my heart. But, I will get hard. Probably every fucking time you walk in a room. I’m human and damned attracted to you.”
Heat flushes through my body at the intensity of his voice and his eyes.
“We will sleep together. My cock will remain between us, but that is it. Until you say otherwise, nothing will happen.”
“What if I decide to give into temptation?”
“I won’t let you.”
I blink at him. “Right.” I don’t believe him.
“You want to be secure in your life. In a position to take care of yourself and any potential child, hopefully with the father in the picture, even if you’re using every means of protection ever invented.”
I blink at him again.
“I heard every word, Kelsey. I get it. I may have never had a pregnancy scare or a child, but I don’t want to be in the same position of worrying about you getting your period every month either. Not when you are going to wig out about it all the time. I get it and I respect it.”
I am in serious danger of falling for Alex.
Hell, it might even be too late. I’ve never talked about sex so much and so soon in a potential relationship, and it’s kind of odd that we would, but the conversation needed to be had. I lean in and put a palm against his cheek, the texture of his whiskers tickle my palm. “Don’t break my heart, Alex.”
He puts his forehead against mine and then covers my hand. “I’m more worried about you breaking mine.”