“This must be bad if hottie with the power tools had to call me.”

I glance up and find Mary standing at the entry to my room.

“I would have preferred Kitchen Hottie call because he wanted to see me, but it’s all about you.” She sighs.

“Sean called you?” Then I frown. “How did he get your number?”

Mary closes the door. “I may have put it in his contacts when he left his phone on the counter while he was fixing the door.” Then she grins. “You know. Just in case he needed to reach you and couldn’t.”

I snort. “I’m surprised you didn’t put it in Dylan’s phone.”

Her face turns pink. “Actually, I was hoping it was Dylan’s phone.”

The laughter bubbles up. It feels good to laugh. “Why are you even back in New York? Aren’t you on break?”

After she comes up the stairs, Mary tosses her coat on a chair and lets her purse drop to the floor. “Got back yesterday. Just because break started for school, doesn’t mean my rotation at the hospital stops. We got time off for Christmas, but it’s time to go back.”

“Are you still in the ER, or have they moved you to a new area?” Mary started her rotation there right before break, but I’ve forgotten how long each rotation lasts.

“I’ve only had a few nights in the ER and many more to go, but after that, it’s off to labor and delivery.”

“When do you have to start back?”

“New Year’s Eve.” Mary laughs. “Baptism by fire, they call it.” She laughs. “The ER will be busier than usual. They’ll still get everything from basic injuries that can happen anywhere and heart attacks to alcohol poisoning and bad car accidents because some people are still too stupid to not drink and drive. They say it’s one of the busiest nights.”

“Sucks to be you.”

“I’ll probably get stuck with the drunks and get puked on all night.”

“At least you’ll be doing something,” I grumble.

“No Alex? What’s going on?”

“What did Sean tell you?” I counter.

“Just that the two of you had a blow up that nobody knows anything about it, except everyone agrees Alex fucked up.”

“That’s pretty much it.”

“Um, that’s not any of it. They are worried about you. You don’t leave your apartment and have hardly eaten anything.” She looks me over and frowns. “Spill!”

I do need to talk to someone. I can’t talk to the guys because I don’t want them in the middle of this, and Mary is about the only friend I have that isn’t connected to the people in this house. She’d like to be connected to Dylan, physically, but he doesn’t seem interested in doing any connecting.

“Okay, when was the argument?” she asks.

“Friday.”

“What about since? Are you still fighting?”

She’s studying me, so I close my laptop and look away.

“You have talked to him, haven’t you?” she asks slowly.

“No. He left and never came back.” That’s what bugs me the most. Alex hasn’t come back. It’s as if he’s waiting for me to leave, but I don’t have anywhere to go. There is always a shelter, but I start teaching next week. I can’t be working all day and worrying about where I’ll sleep at night. Plus, there is the whole bathing, clean clothing, grading papers and all that I need to worry about too. Now is not the time to be on the streets.

But, Alex hasn’t called me either. It’s as if when he walked out, it was for good. At the time, I was hurt. Really, really hurt, and my trust in him had been shattered. But that was days ago. Even if I’m still angry, is it worth throwing away what was started? Or, is he a guy who bails the first time something really bad goes wrong? If he is, do I want him anyway?

I love him. Despite everything, I do love him. But, I’m not sure if I can trust him.

“Kelsey.” Mary waves a hand in front of my face.

“What?”

“Tell me what happened.”

For a moment I just stare at her, and then I let it all spill out. It isn’t as if she doesn’t know about Brandy.

“I’ve seen that box in your room a few times,” she finally says. “And it’s full of letters you’ve written since she was born?”

“Actually, some are from before she was born. I just had them in my room. Then, when the hospital accidently gave me the box with all the keepsakes, I stashed the rattle in it and hid it in my backpack.” I smile at the memories. “I call it the Rattle Box.”

“And nobody ever found out?” She asks in disbelief.

“I hid it at school, and when I left, I kept it with my stuff.” I shrug. “It was mine. It was personal.” My anger is starting to build. “He took what was mine. What was meant for my daughter and gave it to that woman.”

Mary leans back. “Hold up. I get you being mad and all, but I don’t get the loss of trust.” Suddenly Mary stands. “I can’t do this on an empty stomach and neither should you.” She heads for the door and is gone before I can say anything.

I should have realized she’d come to Alex’s defense, but I’m still glad I finally told someone. It feels good to let it out.

She doesn’t get the loss of trust? He took something of mine and gave it away. The letters were personal.

But, he didn’t exactly tell my secrets or betray me.

Yet, he did. What was in those letters should have remained private. Between me and Brandy.

That doesn’t mean they’ve been read though. They might never be if Mrs. Cross destroys them.

Oh, this is so fucking confusing. I want to be mad at him, but I’m not. At least, not like I was. But I don’t know what to do. So many times I’ve almost texted him and asked if we could talk, but I chickened out. If he would contact me, it would be different, but he hasn’t, and I’m so afraid he’s done with me.

That makes my heart ache as much as the loss of the letters.

I am the one who asked him to leave, so I should be the one who calls first, right?

But, what if he doesn’t want to talk to me?

Oh, these same thoughts have been going on in my head for three days, and I have reached no decisions or conclusions.

I’m afraid.

By asking him to leave and going ballistic, I may have lost Alex.

I don’t want to lose him.

I can lie to myself and insist that I am better off alone because I can’t get hurt again. But, I’m not loved either. And, I can’t give love, and I’m kind of in love with love. Or at least, in love with being in love with Alex.

I’m in love with Alex, and despite what he did, I want him back.

What if it’s too late?

Mary bounds up the stairs carrying a bottle of wine and two glasses. I thought she was getting food.

“Dylan is going to make something for us to eat.” She grins.

“You shouldn’t have asked him to cook. We could have gone somewhere.”

“Sweetie, you can’t go anywhere. When’s the last time you took a shower?”

My face heats. “Do I smell that bad?”

Mary laughs as she pours a deep red wine into our glasses. “You don’t stink, but your hair needs washed.”

I really haven’t showered or bathed in a few days. But, it’s not like I’m doing anything. Just laying around, trying to read and not think about Alex. I don’t have the energy to do anything, so how dirty can I be?

Well, there was the whole period thing, but thankfully mine are short and sweet, so once it was done, I was kinda over the whole cleanliness thing. I haven’t even straightened up my apartment. The bed’s not been made in days. I’ve got books stacked everywhere because I was trying to find something to hold my interest, and there are dirty clothes on the floor. I did change my clothes a few times, but that was pretty much it.

“Snap out of it!”

Mary jerks me from my thoughts.

“I told Dylan that you had spilled your guts and I anticipate crying to ensue and that can’t be done without a glass of wine in hand.”

“If I drink this now, I’ll be drunk before I finish.”

Mary grins. “That’s what he said and then pointed out that you hadn’t eaten since last night.” She glances at her phone. “Like twenty hours ago. So, he handed me a bottle of wine, two glasses and turned on the stove.” She leans back and takes a sip of wine. “So, explain this whole trust thing.”

“I shared that box of letters with him. He knew that I intended to give them to Brandy when she was older.”

“You don’t even know if you’d ever get that chance,” she reminds me.

“It was still my choice.”

“True. He should have asked, but he didn’t break your trust.”

“How can you say that?”

“He wasn’t thinking about it like that.”

“Alex wasn’t thinking at all,” I complain.

“That’s because he’s a guy,” she says as if that explains everything.

“So he gets a pass on doing stupid shit because he has a penis?”

Mary shrugs. “Something like that, when it isn’t a big thing.”

“Big thing? This was huge.”

She’s shaking her head. “To you and to him, but for two different reasons.”

My head is spinning. Two sips of wine and already Mary isn’t making any sense.

“Look. The box was huge to you because of what it represents and what you’d hoped for in the future.”

“Yeah.”

“To Alex it was huge because it represented an answer and hope.”

“I don’t get it.”

She takes a deep breath and then blows out a sigh. “He saw how Mrs. Cross treated you. He saw how upset and hurt you were. So, he tried to fix it.”

“Giving my box to her doesn’t fix a damn thing.”

“Guys don’t see things like that. When the woman he loves is upset or hurt, he tries to fix it. It’s in a man’s chemistry.”

“I would have preferred he just stayed with me and let me lean on him.” I take a drink, not just a sip.

“That’s usually the only thing a woman needs, or to vent, or cry, whatever emotional baggage she needs to let go of. But guys don’t get that. To them hugging and listening doesn’t solve anything. Doing does. So, he did, because he wanted to make things right with you, Brandy and Mrs. Cross.”

Her words sink in. “Alex did say that as far as he was concerned they broke the contract when they contacted me and that I should get my daughter back.”

Mary’s eyes widen in shock.

“He was pissed at the way I was treated. He wanted them to understand that all I ever did was love Brandy and tried to do the best I could and that they had a right to know so I could be a part of her life.”

“See! He tried to fix it.”

That is exactly what he tried to do, but I really wasn’t getting it at the time. Alex did what he did for me, without fully understanding that it was the worst possible way to fix the situation because it can’t be fixed.

“That’s how a guy’s mind works,” Dylan says as he comes into my room carrying to plates. “It’s the quickest thing I could think of, and you didn’t really eat breakfast.” He sets down two plates with scrambled eggs, bacon, hash browns, toast and half a grapefruit on each.”

“Yum,” Mary says as she picks up her fork. “I could eat breakfast at any meal.”

Well, it is three in the afternoon, so I have to agree with her. “Thanks, Dylan, but you didn’t need to go to all that trouble.” How much had he heard as he was coming up here?

“Give Alex a break,” he finally says. “If you want to.”

“I already have, but he hasn’t called or texted.”

“My guess, he’s waiting on you.”

“But, what if he doesn’t want to hear from me?”

Dylan snorts. “Hell would have to freeze over first. The guy’s already beating himself up for whatever he did. He’s not going to make the first contact.”

Inwardly I blow out a sigh. Dylan didn’t hear everything. “Why?”

“Because he’s in love with you, and if he contacts you and you shoot him down, he’s lost everything. As long as he doesn’t take that step, there is still hope.” With that, Dylan crosses the room and starts making my bed.

“You don’t have to do that.”

“Well, somebody’s got to take care of you until he comes back.” And then he scoops up my dirty laundry from the floor, panties and all, and tosses them into the basket in my closet, then carries it out with him.

Mary just sighs. “Why won’t he notice me?”

I don’t have an answer. Mary’s never had trouble getting guys to notice her, but Dylan barely looked at her when he came in. I don’t get that at all.

But, that isn’t my problem now. It’s time to fix things with Alex. Guys aren’t the only ones who can do the fixing.