Dakota
I made a mushroom, ham and pineapple pizza and Alissa loved it. That made me happy, too. Once our bellies were full, I went to the attic and started pulling down boxes, laughing as Alissa dived into them like they were her Christmas presents.
That made me think about Christmas and the fact that she had no gift and there was no way to get her a gift. I would have to think about what I could do for her that would be suitable to exchange on Christmas Day. Even though I hardly knew her, we had built something in the short time we had known each other. I wanted to do something that would have meaning for her.
“Everything’s in here, Dakota. It looks like your family did an awesome job of decorating every Christmas.” She rummaged around some more then started pulling stuff out of the box. “Would it be too much to ask you to go and cut me some evergreen boughs?”
I shook my head. After the mysterious magic she’d worked on me, it wasn’t an imposition at all. “I’ll be right back.”
I found a suitable tree and started cutting the branches, trying not to think about her constantly. But it was like trying to stop my breath or make the sky fall. Impossible. After I had what I thought should be enough, even from a woman’s perspective, I returned to the cabin.
She’d already transformed the living room with jolly Santa figures, some stuffed, some made out of porcelain, and the collection of snowmen that my sister, Eden, liked to assemble all grouped together in a snowman party. Pine cone trees and wall hangings depicting winter scenes were placed here and there. It was definitely looking like Christmas.
For me, the days seemed to roll into one another and the holidays just…passed without notice. Just another day, but as I watched her hobble around and make delighted decisions about where to place the festive pieces she took out of my family’s boxes, all of a sudden I cared about spending Christmas with this remarkable woman.
When she spied me and the boughs, she hurried over. “Those are beautiful.” She took them from my arms and started to place them around the room, the smell of evergreen pungent in the air. I breathed deep, and discovered then that I missed my family with a twisting pain to my heart. They hadn’t given up on me, but they had left me alone as I had requested. I knew it hurt them, and that barrier I had kept hard over my heart cracked a little.
I went over to a wooden box on one of the built-in bookcases and pulled it down. “Alissa, come here for a minute and sit down.”
“You’re pulling me away from…Oh, you have pictures,” she said, taking the open box out of my hands.
She sat down on the sofa and pulled out the stack of photos. “Your sisters are so beautiful. What are their names?”
“Eden, Reagan and Phoenix.”
“Pretty. I always wanted a sister. You look so happy.”
I looked at myself from last year and swallowed hard. “I was happy.”
“This is wonderful. You got a stethoscope from your mom?”
“I’m a nurse.” I blurted it like it was a big secret, like the label didn’t fit me anymore. I could tell that she was pleased that I opened up.
“What kind of nurse?” She set the box down on the coffee table.
“Certified Registered Nurse Anesthetist, a CRNA.”
“What is that, exactly?”
She turned toward me, casually placing her hand on my forearm, her fingers brushing my skin. I wet my lips. This was getting into dangerous territory for me, but Alissa wanted to know. It was time for me to finally tell someone.
“I have my Master of Nursing and had to go through more schooling. I just got my license…” My breath hitched and her hand soothed along my arm. “…last year before I…”
“It’s okay, Dakota. I want to know everything about you. Don’t hold back.”
“I don’t know how much…”
“We’ll start with this, okay?”
I nodded. “I can practice in a lot of settings, either public or private. Large academic medical centers, small community hospitals, outpatient surgery centers, pain clinics, or physician's offices, either working with anesthesiologists or other CRNAs, or in independent practice. Some CRNAs work with the military, the VA, and public health.”
“You could go into independent practice?”
“Yes, if I chose to do that, but I prefer working in a hospital. I like the people and the urgency of the job.” But now it was like a half-remembered dream, and it hurt to think about it.
“It may seem like a stupid question, but what do you do, exactly?”
“I stick people with needles to dull their pain, and am certified in all the techniques including general, epidural, spinal, peripheral nerve block, sedation, or local.”
She grimaced. “I’m not a big fan of needles.”
“I use a numbing agent, so you barely feel it. And I’m good at it.”
“I bet you are,” she said. “Did you work with the military?”
I looked away, my heart rate increasing. “No.”
“When did you graduate?” My heart skipped a beat.
“Last May.”
“What did you do after that?”
I closed my eyes. “I had already applied to Doctors Without Borders. I wanted to do that before I actually started working.”
“And did you get in?”
“Yes,” My mouth went dry, the memory a good one. “I felt proud to be able to do something as courageous as my father and grandfather.”
“Right, your grandfather was in the Korean War.”
“Yes, and my father fought in the Gulf.”
“But you weren’t interested in the military?”
“No, I wanted to heal, not do violence. It was the vow I took.” My vision started to go gray and my chest heaved. “They didn’t really understand. And when I came back they told me to buck up and be a man. As if what had happened to me was trivial and I shouldn’t have deep feelings about it. I might be a man, but what I was feeling was real, and bottling it up only hurt more.” I was starting to sweat.
Her hand on my arm tightened. “No, stay with me.”
My throat contracted. “I want to tell you everything, Alissa. I do. But the flashbacks, they’re unpredictable. I don’t know when…I’m afraid…I’ll hurt you.”
“You would never hurt me.”
I shuddered with the remembered rage, the remembered lust for murder that had taken over me and I wasn’t so sure…lost in that nightmare with the demons…I wasn’t so sure.
“So Doctors Without Borders? That’s pretty impressive.”
“It was only a six-week assignment. CRNAs are too much in demand for us to be away for more than that. I already had five job offers.”
“How long were you there?”
I closed my eyes. The grayness always made me feel woozy. I fought it, but the memory was so powerful.
“Don’t let it control you, Dakota. I know how powerful a memory can be.”
I groaned softly, the terror clutching at me. My breathing sped up. If I could just tell someone, it might help. “Two days. I was only there for two days before they came.”
Someone ran past the couch screaming and I lost my focus on her face. Then another ran past, but that man didn’t get far, shot in the back.
I took gasping breaths. “I was still in my scrubs,” I managed, and I felt the grip of her hand on mine, or was that the woman in front of me pleading in a language I didn’t understand? I looked back at Dr. Sanchez, but he was operating, Elsa standing beside him like nothing was happening.
“We were operating on a patient.” The woman simply fell away from me, her chest blossoming in an explosion of blood. “Armed men moved through the camp, indiscriminately killing anyone in their path. I backed up as they converged on the tent. I moved toward Elsa as she looked up and saw them. They knocked Dr. Sanchez aside. He was shouting something in French, and I was standing in front of Elsa. Then he walked in. The man with the scars. And he smirked.”
“Dakota, you’re hyperventilating.” Her hands were on my shoulders shaking me.
“I lashed out when they came for her, knowing what they wanted. ‘Run, Elsa!’ I screamed. They had me in a chokehold, making me watch as they caught her and dragged her back, kicking and screaming. Dr. Sanchez tried to stop them, but they beat him to the ground.” My throat closed up. “I can’t breathe,” I said. “I can’t breathe.”
My head was shoved down, but I fought. I didn’t know if it was a rebel or Alissa trying to help. I had to fight anyway, because they were after Elsa.
Then her arms were around me, holding me. Was it Elsa? Who was it?
I moaned with the agony of a memory so vivid it seemed as real as the day it happened. I stood and dropped to my knees.
Then her mouth was on mine and I turned into her kiss like a man drowning and needing the lifeline to reality. “Alissa,” I whispered against her mouth. She kissed me again, her mouth sliding along my lips, as if savoring the way my mouth felt against hers. It was the most sensual feeling I’ve ever experienced, and everything in me stilled. The demons faded away into the darkness, because the light inside of me was shining too bright for them.
My body was hot. A light feather-touch moved up and down my back and over my shoulder. There was something wet beneath my cheek.
The sensations crystallized into a thought. Alissa. I mumbled her name again like a plea. I pulled away. So beautiful. I put my hands on either side of her face and felt the wetness again.
“You’re crying,” I muttered.
She looked at me and I wondered if there was another blue in the world like the blue of her eyes.
“I’m here. I’m here,” she whispered and she kissed me again. I thought I could die now with the sweetness of her taste on my tongue. Fresh tears welled up and made silver swim with the blue, like lapping waves.
I pulled away from her, taking a bit of distance. The ugliness of my flashback remained like a bad taste in my mouth. How could she even want to touch me? “I told you as much as I could. Was it awful? Was it too much?”
“No it wasn’t too much. I’m so sorry, Dakota. I’m so, so sorry.”
The flashback faded completely, and there she was, solid and real, and not an illusion. Alissa helped to leach some of the poison from that day, her mouth, her tears and the gentle feel of her arms. I had to move back away from her before I did anything stupid.
“You are so brave.”
I shook my head, my voice harsh. “I’m not a hero, Alissa. Far from it.”
“You keep saying that, but I want you to teach me.”
“Teach you what?”
“How to be brave.”
“Why do you need to be brave?”
“I need to be. I can’t say. I need you to trust me about that. Can you?”
I closed my eyes. “Yes, I can trust you. I find myself at a complete loss about how you came to be here right when I desperately needed you.”
“Sometimes things just happen and can’t be explained. Maybe we needed each other, and the universe recognized that, and arranged for us to crash into each other.”
She smiled. At me. And I thought of a way I could make her Christmas that much better. “How would you like a tree?”
The sheer elation on her face twisted me into a pretzel of painful pleasure.
“Oh, God, yes! That would be wonderful. Can you do it in a middle of a blizzard?”
“I can produce strawberries. I can surely get you a tree. There’s a place not far from here with evergreens that are totally suitable for a Christmas tree. And, look. There’s a break in the storm. We can go now, if you want. I have a sled in the shed, and a handy-dandy ax.”
She started to get up from the floor, and I surged forward to help her up.
“That sounds so wonderful. I haven’t ever helped chop down a real Christmas tree.”
“You didn’t have a real tree at home?”
“Oh, we did,” she said wryly, “but the house, the tree, and the grounds were always decorated by someone named Rodolfo or Edward.”
“Oh, I see.”
“Yes, God forbid we didn’t have all the latest trappings.”
“I have popcorn and cranberries. Want to make a garland for the tree?”
She looked at me. Her expression said that she thought that was the sweetest thing I had ever said.
“Yes. I can’t think of anything better. But, what are you doing with cranberries?”
“Cranberry sauce,” I said. “Don’t you like it?”
“I do. Were you going to make yourself a Christmas dinner?”
“I was.” I had thought about it when I picked up supplies, but only now realized that I hadn’t really decided if I would or not. “Something simple. I have a ham, and both sweet and white potatoes, rolls, the whole damn thing. I didn’t know I would be sharing it with you.”
“And you say you’re no hero.”
We bundled up and she gripped her walking stick as I first checked to be sure her ankle brace was firm, and then instructed her on how to maneuver in snow shoes. It was actually easy on her ankle, less movement. “It’s more of a shuffling gait than actually picking up your feet.”
“I’ll manage,” she said as we headed out. After walking for about fifteen minutes, we came upon a copse of evergreens. Alissa’s gasp of delight when she saw them traveled through me like a golden light.
“Beautiful. Almost too beautiful to cut down.”
“I can say an Indian prayer for the tree, if you want. Receiving something from the earth as a gift.”
“What kind of prayer?”
“A Lakota prayer.”
“You’re Lakota?”
“Part. I never belonged to a tribe. My mother married my father and left and never returned. She made her stand with him, she often said. I have to say, I like that about my parents standing together. It was something that grounded me in childhood.”
“What about now? Why are they not here? Why aren’t they helping you?”
“You have to be open to receiving help. I pushed them away and refused to hear anything but my own thoughts. It might have been wrong, but at the time it seemed to be the only way to handle my blood-soaked memories.”
“Don’t say that, Dakota.”
“It’s true. It’s what happened.” I turned to her. “But things have a way of changing, shifting beneath your feet, like sand. I feel like you’re the foundation and I’m just the shifting sand.”
“Let me be your foundation then, Dakota. Seek help. That would be what I would wish for you, and yes, I’d like you to say a prayer,” she said, giving me a warm smile. I smiled back.
“Kinship with all creatures of the earth, sky and water was a real and active principle. For the animal and bird world there existed a brotherly feeling that kept the Lakota safe among them, and so close did some of the Lakota come to their feathered and furred friends that, in true brotherhood, they spoke a common tongue. So it’s said.”
“And do you believe that?”
I shrugged. “Like I said, I wasn’t raised in a tribe. My family is my tribe and I know I hurt them. I know they’re worried about me, but they’ve honored me in giving me the solitude I asked for.”
“I think that’s a bunch of bullshit.”
“What?”
“You don’t need solitude. I don’t think that’s helped you at all. You need people, and the kind of people who know how to help you through this. I’m just a poor substitute.”
“No, you’re not. You’ve helped me more than you know.”
“I can only hope that’s true.”
“It’s true. Now pick out a tree before we freeze to death.”
She walked around and looked and finally pointed to a beautiful evergreen, easily the most full and lush of all of them. I approached it and, before I sank the ax in, I said a short prayer asking forgiveness, and expressing appreciation that the tree would give up its life for our benefit.
I made quick work of getting it to the sled and back to the cabin, all the while with Alissa’s words tumbling around inside my brain. Had I been a complete idiot, running from civilization, trying to find a balance out here alone to lick my wounds? I know the real reason why I was here, but that had been six months ago, and I was still alive, still struggling with my demons. Just as I bent to unload the sled, a collision of cold-packed snow hit me in the middle of the back.
I turned to look at Alissa. She had the most mischievous expression on her face. “You trying to start something with me, killer?”
“What if I am?” she said defiantly.
She laughed as I bent down and rolled snow into my gloves. “Are you, now? You sure about that?” I let the snowball fly, but, lithe creature that she was, she ducked it and fired off the one she had behind her back. It hit me square in the face and the shock of the snow made me gasp. I took off after her, but she couldn’t run only hobble awkwardly. I easily caught her and took her down into the snow. “You little sneak.”
She was laughing so hard, the joy of her settled into my bones and my joints, embedded itself deeply into my heart. I scooped up snow, but before I could, she’d already pulled my jeans away from my groin and dropped in a handful.
I howled as the cold and wet hit my dick, my body heat melting it almost immediately. She scrambled away and pelted me with more snow.
I held up my hands as I fell back in the snow. “You win! You win! Uncle!” I cried. I heard the snow crunch as she limped over to me.
“You’re a pathetic snowball fighter.”
I lunged up and grabbed her. She squealed as I pulled her down and rubbed cold snow in her beautiful face.
“That was a glorious ambush.”
We both lay back in the snow. She turned her head to look at me. “I hope I didn’t do any permanent damage to your…”
“Male pride?”
She laughed. “Yeah.”
I raised myself up on my elbow. “No, it still functions,” I said softly as I dropped my mouth onto hers, defying the flashbacks and the memories and my own pain and suffering. Defied it for the feel of her soft lips, warm breath, and the connection that only strengthened each moment I spent with her.
She rolled toward me, pressing her body against mine, slipping her arms around me to hold me against her.
“Well, I’m glad about that,” she said.
“Alissa, you unravel me. Maybe you’ll know how to untangle the knots.”
“Maybe I can, if you let me in, Dakota.”
I thought about what she’d said. Let her inside? With the demons? They shredded me. What would they do to her? Once inside with the tree, I set it in the stand and toted all the boxes over for her.
“I’m sure that the lights are all tangled up.” She rummaged around in the box marked tree and pulled out a mess of lights. “Yup. Why is it that, no matter how careful you are when you pack them away, they end up like this when you need to hang them on the tree?”
“You would know better than I would,” I said. “Your kind always makes mischief wherever they go.”
“My kind.”
“Yup, mischievous little elves.”
“Ha! Let’s unravel them tonight. Then they’ll be ready to put on the tree tomorrow.”
Each time my hand brushed against hers, I got a jolt. Then very softly she started singing Silent Night. I joined in after a moment. We weren’t the best singers in the world, but that was okay. It wasn’t about sounding good. When she looked up from the knot she was working on, she grinned at me and my heart melted even more.
“How is that ankle doing? It was a busy day for you.”
“It’s pretty good. Just a few twinges here and there.”
“Let me take a look at it before you go to bed.” She extended her leg and I slipped my hand over her heel and pulled off her sock. Her skin was warm. I gently cupped it and manipulated her foot, and she didn’t make a sound.
“The bruising should start to fade.”
“It feels a lot better.”
“Do you need any help before bed?”
She shook her head. But, as we stood, she threw her arms around me. “Thank you for indulging my Christmas wishes.” My heart felt squeezed by many emotions. I could barely breathe. My arms tightened around her. I slid my fingers over her face, tilting her chin up and kissed her gently, and she kissed me back. “Goodnight, Alissa.”
I watched as she hobbled away. Basking in the afterglow of that kiss, I followed her retreating form, looking toward my room. I sighed. I could take a sleeping pill tonight. Now that Alissa could move around easily, I didn’t have to worry about her needing me.
I paused as everything inside me seized. She needed me. Damn, why did that sound so good? She was like sunlight and strawberries, warmth and comfort, passion and desire, all wrapped up in a gorgeous package. I didn’t deserve her, a woman like her. I headed to my room and stripped down to nothing, too tired to even care about clothes. Swallowing one of my sleeping pills, I got into bed and let the blessed darkness overtake my mind.
Splintered silvery pieces of awareness filtered through my consciousness, and I felt the heavy weight on my eyes that I always experienced when I took one of those damn pills.
“Dakota? Where’s my coffee? You know I’m a coffee whore.” Her voice was distant, and I couldn’t seem to fully wake up just yet.
Her voice was much closer. “Are you still in bed lazy bones?”
I lifted my sleepy eyes and saw her hobbling toward me. When she reached down to strip the blankets off me, I tried to react, but it was too late. The cool air drifted over my skin. She gasped, but instead of looking away, she stared at me. Her gaze like a sensual caress, she moved her eyes over my body, from my throat, down over my chest to just below my waist. She lingered there, and I couldn’t stop myself from reacting to the shocking frankness of her stare. My dick went rock hard, a very easy task in the morning, but her eyes continued on down over my hips and the length of my legs.
The smoldering fire in me flamed and I made a soft noise—a groan. “Alissa, please,” I said, “You’re killing me.”
Her hot blue eyes settled on mine and the tension in my body drew as tight as a bow. She turned and fled, slamming my bedroom door behind her.
But the heat in me didn’t subside. I wanted her. My body was on fire, my reaction to her purely natural, purely male. I tried to slow my beating heart, get myself under control. I couldn’t face her in this state. But the desire in her eyes scorched me like a burning brand. After everything she’d seen me go through, how could she be attracted to this shell I inhabited?
Although right this moment, I didn’t feel like a shell. I felt an intense, dark hunger, but I couldn’t act on it. She was here for only a short period time. It didn’t matter that I was deeply attracted to her. Once I got myself under control, I entered the kitchen, but she was very busy with her computer.
I went to the fridge and got out eggs and bacon.
“You know, you could warn a girl.”
“Right,” I said, turning around and meeting her eyes. “How would that come up in casual conversation? Oh, by the way, I sleep in the buff, so don’t come into my room and rip the blankets off me unless you mean business.”
She flushed and looked away. “What if I meant business?”
“Alissa,” I said, solemnly. “I’m not…sure…not…whole. I’m too much of risk for you. I don’t want start something I can’t finish. I hope you understand.” I had to nip this in the bud. Getting physical with her…I didn’t think it was a good idea. The demons so knew how to attack me when my guard was down. And, it would be, with her. If I took Alissa like I wanted to, I was afraid that they wouldn’t only find me…they’d find her.