Ten
Alissa
I woke up Christmas morning, my body heavy with lethargy. Trying to shake off the last dregs of sleep, I stared vacantly at the ceiling, aware of the warmth and hardness of a slumbering man against my back, my own breathing harmonized to the even rise and fall of his chest. By touch alone, I knew that Dakota was sprawled on his stomach, his pillow pushed aside, his face turned toward me.
I absorbed the feel of him against me and the rhythm of his breathing for a moment; then, careful not to disturb him, I eased up on one elbow and smiled at the sight of his face, and knew then that I would need that sight for the rest of my life.
I raked my hair back off my face, then leaned against the carved headboard and realized all of a sudden that he’d probably carved it.
I looked down at his peaceful face. Tentatively, I reached out and touched his hair. I drew my fingers down his cheek, fascinated by the faint, prickly stubble there, the burnished skin across his cheekbones. How exotically appealing a man could be
He was lying with the sheet shoved down to his waist, one arm sprawled above his head, the other resting along the edge of the bed. The early-morning light angled across his exposed back, defining the hard ridge of muscles across his shoulders and up his torso, casting his deeply tanned skin in a patina of bronze.
Faint white lines crisscrossed his back and I turned over my forearm to trace my own scars, a strange kind of protectiveness unfolding in me as I gazed down.
We both had been bathed in the fire of strife, his brutal and terrifying, mine silent and agonized. But we were both here now, together against odds that I couldn’t even begin to fathom.
And Charlie had brought me here. He’d been the catalyst that had led me to Dakota, to this closed, isolated, beautiful man. If it hadn’t been for that catastrophe, for the snowstorm that had stranded me with him, I might never have had Dakota to anchor my life. I would have just gone ahead and released Charlie’s ashes and never known Dakota was here. I didn’t want to think what would have happened to Dakota then. He was my lifeline and I was his. I might have missed out on everything that was so important to me.
My throat tightened, but it wasn’t time yet. Charlie had given me permission, but it just wasn’t time. I had something to do, and this day would be filled with more than just a celebration of Christmas. It would be a celebration of life.
Careful not to disturb him, I combed my fingers through the dark thickness of Dakota’s hair, gently drawing it back from his forehead. I had spoken the truth when I had told him that he was a gift to me.
Absently fingering the silky strands, I stared off into space for a moment. All at once the world just shifted and made room, and I savored the feel of the man I loved. Knew there was nothing, absolutely nothing I wouldn’t do for him. My heart opened up like a flower, blooming in the deep, cold of winter with a warmth that couldn’t be denied. This is what life was about. This is what it was meant to be.
Reluctantly I slipped out of bed. Moving as quietly as possible and shivering a bit, I went to the window and looked out over the pristine whiteness of the snow. It was a beautiful, cold winter’s day. I saw the wind whipping the tops of the trees. Soon, I thought. Soon, you will be holding on to that wind like holding on to the tip of a tiger’s tail. Soon.
A snowplow rumbled by. The pass must be open now and I could go home. But, so much had changed. I guess we would have to figure out where our relationship was going to go from here.
I picked up my clothes, but when my hand fell on Dakota’s plaid button-down, I slipped it on with a minimum of noise, not wanting to wake him, because I figured that he hadn’t been able to sleep deeply like that in quite a while. I breathed deep of his scent, letting it fill me with light.
The sensations came barreling back with a swiftness that made my legs want to buckle. Tipping my head back, I closed my eyes, the heavy, fluttery commotion in my chest compressing my lungs, making it nearly impossible to breathe. Memories and sensations overwhelmed my senses and clouded my mind, and I remembered the out-of-control need that had consumed us, recalled the feel of his mouth hot and hungry against mine, the feel of him moving hard and fast inside me. And I remembered the thick, pulsating spasms that had racked my whole body, the convulsive strength of his arms when he climaxed. And I remembered the last soul-shattering kiss he’d given me.
My whole body responding to the sensory memories, I turned and weakly rested my forehead against the bathroom doorjamb. I rolled my head and looked toward the bed at his sleeping form.
Groaning softly, I knew I was going to drive myself crazy if I didn’t suppress the erotic memories that claimed me. But my body still hummed from overstimulation and an unfulfilled ache that was going to be nearly impossible to ignore. I wanted nothing more than to crawl back into Dakota’s arms and stay there for the rest of the day. Last night had been like a beginning. For the first time—for the very first time—every single emotional barrier had been down, and I wanted all that passion and wildness, that feeling of connection that had been everything. Everything. I only held something back right now because this was between me and Charlie, and I knew Dakota would understand. He would help me, but he just wasn’t part of this. There was only me and my deep and abiding friendship and love for my cherished Charlie.
Steeling myself, I pushed away from the casing.
Ducking into the bathroom, I pulled my hair back and twisted it up on top of my head in a mess of blond tresses. I shut off the light and went back into the bedroom. Pausing by the bed, I gazed down at him, a new wave of protectiveness stirring in me. Needing to touch him, I very carefully drew the sheet over him and smoothed back his hair. If only he knew how much I would need him today. My fingers still sensitized by the feel of him, I made myself leave him, silently closing the door behind me.
I barely limped now, but I remembered his hands on my ankle, the look of care in his eyes, the skill of his touch.
The cabin was cool and quiet, the faint tinkle of chimes dancing in the wind across the deck, calling to me.
Soon, it whispered.
Entering the kitchen, it was surprising how comfortable and at home I felt, here where he had cooked for me, carved for me, stared at me like I could be his world.
I went to the counter and filled up the coffeepot with cold water, then poured it into the reservoir on the coffeemaker. I filled the basket with fresh grounds and slid it into place and flipped the switch, my mood mellow.
The wind tinkled the chimes again, impatiently, and I glanced up out the kitchen window and thought I saw Charlie as real as the blinding brightness of the day. He waved to me with a beautiful smile on his face. My heart tightened and I smiled back at him, but I refused to wave. I wasn’t quite ready to say goodbye.
There was a sound from the doorway as Dakota entered the kitchen, and when I blinked, Charlie was gone. Dakota’s arms slipped around my waist, his mouth settled against the side of my neck and I felt tears prick the back of my eyes as I blinked rapidly.
“Ah, that is quite a beautiful sight in the morning, Alissa.”
“Me?” I said.
“No, you making coffee.”
I elbowed him and he laughed.
I reached my arms back and caged his head. “Good morning, handsome.”
“Mmmmhummm,” he hummed against my skin, breathing deep.
“I just started the coffee before taking a shower.”
“Want some company?”
My heart caught a little at the hesitant sound of his voice. I sighed deeply, delving fingers into his hair, leaning heavily against him as he kissed the hollow of my shoulder. “I certainly would be so obliged if you could…you know…wash my back, and I’ll wash yours.”
He buried his face against my skin and I slipped out of his arms, unbuttoning the shirt. I walked a few paces, letting the shirt slip off my shoulders. I glanced back and saw him standing at the counter dressed only in a pair of gray sweatpants. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if the man could walk around half-naked all the time? The gray of his eyes was like a million shades of light and dark, shifting in a beautiful cascade of hue, like the subtle shades of gray in life. He lowered his lashes, pressed his hands against the marble, his face contorting, his chest heaving with such strong emotion. For a moment, I thought he was going to have a flashback, and I was ready and prepared for it and for a lifetime of healing if that was what it took.
My heart clutched, the love for him filling every pore of my body. “Come on, babe.”
He released the counter and strode toward me, his face set. When he reached me, he gathered me up in his arms and cradled me against his chest.
Gradually his breathing changed, grew deeper, slower, something I could feel but not hear. As it altered, he altered. He was powerful and solid, and yet the aesthetic purity of his features gave him an unreal aspect, like something from an artist’s dream of absolute and flawless force. A knight of old, releasing his armor, dropping his sword, letting his guard down.
“I can walk now,” I said, softly.
“I know,” he said.
Inside the shower, the spray of the water warred with the heat of Dakota as he cupped my face and stared down into my eyes, then kissed me, his passion evident in the way he pressed his mouth against mine. Our bodies touched, and he groaned softly as I felt the way he hardened against me. He thrust against my stomach. I slipped my hands sensuously down his back and over his tight butt, pressing him closer, and he groaned again. I would never get tired of that sound.
We mated slowly as the hot spray cascaded over us, thrusting and pressing and releasing everything against each other like a silent force.
By the time we finished drying off and getting dressed, the coffee wasn’t drinkable. We made a fresh pot while Dakota made us breakfast. We ate in companionable silence. Then he took my hand and pulled me into the living room and we settled at the base of the tree.
“I’ve got something for you, Alissa.”
“Me, first. It’s something I wrote for you. I’m giving the gift of myself, just as you gave me the gift of you last night.”
He nodded, capturing my fingers, and I reached for a single sheet of paper that I’d placed under the tree the night before.
I handed it to him and his eyes fell to the page.
Brave
When the darkness claws
And the demons come.
When hope is lost.
When shadows draw near.
I am here.
I live inside you.
When fear steals your breath
When fury shreds your soul
When despair twists deep inside
And the shadows draw near.
I am here.
I burn inside you.
Mettle is of the heart
Valor not just a knightly word.
You are a hero.
You are a man
And the shadows cannot stand
Against your true nature
Against the blinding light
And what must be done
Is done.
I am here.
I breathe inside you.
The reward
cannot be
measured
I am courage.
And you are
Brave.
Dakota raised his head and looked at me, his eyes dark and smoky, such intense, unguarded emotion in his eyes that it made my heart contract, hard. He closed his eyes tightly, resting his forehead against mine as a shuddering tremor coursed through him. The exposed emotion in him made my tears well up again, and I smoothed back his hair, aching to comfort him.
His eyes were awed as he lifted them from the page. For a moment his throat worked as if he couldn’t get words past the thickness there. “This is so beautiful…I…Alissa.” He took a careful breath. “You give me hope that I have the courage to take myself back someday, now that I’ve met you and have something to fight for.”
“You’d already fought and survived. You found that courage to be brave here.” I covered his heart and he covered my hand. “Now it’s time to let go and ask for help. To heal. And I know you’re brave enough for that. You’re brave enough to let yourself do that.”
“Because of you.”
“No, Dakota, because of you.”
Moved beyond words, I blinked away the moisture gathering along my eyelashes, knowing now was the time to tell him what I had to do. But before I could, he reached over and grabbed a bundle of cloth with silver stars all over the midnight blue fabric.
“I made this for you, Alissa.”
My hands trembled when I opened the bundle and my heart caught in my throat. “Oh, Dakota,” I whispered unevenly.
I held in my hands a beautiful replica of Pooh Bear and Piglet sitting together on a hollow log with their arms around each other. Carved into the base were the words, “Friends forever.”
I covered my eyes. “Oh, God, Charlie.”
“Why did you come here, Alissa? What is it that you have to do here, on this particular cliff? I’m here for you. You can let go. Can you tell me what’s in the backpack, now?”
I eased a deep shaky breath past the nearly suffocating tightness in my throat and I could finally let go. The tears fell heavy and hot against my cheeks, my voice broken with the loss. “Charlie’s ashes.” I released a sob. “He died last week.”
“You’re going to be fine.” I said, ruffling Charlie’s dark hair. “You’ve have bouts before and always recovered.”
He shook his head, his eyes so stark, they scared me. “Not this time, Alissa,” he sounded like he was trying to push the words past an obstruction in his throat, they rasped as he expelled them. “I’m dying. I’m not going to make it to Christmas.”
“Don’t say that, Charlie,” I whispered, my voice breaking.
He reached out, grabbing onto my hand, his grasp weak. “I have a special Christmas wish, Alissa.”
“Anything.”
“I want you to take my ashes and release them on that mountain in Colorado. The one you texted me. With snow glinting in the sun and the breeze brisk and strong. I want to fly.”
“What?” My heart lurched with a spurt of panic. “But, your parents.”
“Please Alissa, don’t let them put me on a mantle.” He clasped my hand desperately, his eyes frantic. “I don’t want to die, knowing that I’ll never see that place. Take me there, after I’m dead. I want to be free.” His voice caught on a sob. “Please set me free.”
“I could ask them for you.” I suggested, not sure I had it in me to do what he asked, and I felt ashamed that I didn’t have the kind of courage it took to grant him this final wish.
“No!” He shook his head getting more agitated, his breath wheezing in and out. “They won’t let you. They won’t understand. Only you understand how much I need this. I have to face the ultimate fear, Alissa. I’m twenty-two years old and I’ve tried to cram a lifetime of living into a small number of years. And, all those years were filled with fear. I’ve already been on the mantle too long. I need you to be brave. You have always been my strength.”
“You’ve been my strength, Charlie. I’m not that brave.”
“Yes, you are. I need you to be for me. Promise me you’ll do this for me. Just like you promised to stop cutting yourself for me.”
“Okay, I will, Charlie. I will.”
“Listen to me. I don’t have much time. My parents will be back soon. I love you, Alissa. You’re the sister of my heart. You’re the only person in my life who gave a damn about me. My only regret is leaving you alone. I’m leaving you all my money, and there’s a lot of it.”
“I don’t want your money.” My vision blurred. “I just want you.”
“You’re going to take it. I’ve already had the lawyer draw up the papers. You won’t ever have to be under your parents’ thumb ever again. I want you not to mourn me, but go out and celebrate your life. Take all you can from it. Promise you’ll do that. And, every year at Christmas, please go there and stand at that cliff’s edge and remember me.”
“I have to mourn you, Charlie. I have to. It’s not fair to ask me not to.”
“All right, only for a little while. Now promise me.”
“I promise.”
“So, you’ll have to continue to be brave for both of us.”
I collapsed against him, and he stroked my hair and I breathed in his familiar scent.
“I was so lucky to be born next door to you, Alissa.”
We were both crying freely by then. “I feel the same way, Charlie. I’ll never forget you.”
“I know you won’t. Pooh and Piglet belong together always in the 100 Acre Wood. That’s where you’ll find them. Forever friends.”
“Oh, Alissa,” Dakota said so softly, his eyes brimming with his compassion and his support. “I’m so sorry.”
“I stole his ashes from the funeral home. I came out here to release them because he begged me to, and I couldn’t say no. But I wasn’t sure until this very moment that I could actually do what he asked and not just take the urn back.”
Dakota’s chest expanded. He slid his arms around me and held me fiercely, protectively. So full of emotion it was impossible to say any more, I closed my eyes and turned my face against his neck, his comfort bolstering me, the courage I had been looking for rising up from that hidden well inside me. I held him as fiercely, as protectively, as he was holding me.
It took a long time for all those intense feelings to settle, and by the time Dakota eased his hold, the fire had burned down into a steady flame.
Hauling in a shaky breath, he shifted his hold, his hands warm and firm against my face as he covered my mouth with a tender, searching, healing kiss that made me feel very loved. Releasing his breath on a long sigh, he raised his head and looked down at me. His eyes open windows to his beautiful soul. He stroked my cheek with his thumb, his expression solemn, “I think you know what to do now, Alissa,” he said huskily.
I smiled up at him, my heart in my eyes. “I know,” I whispered. “Thank you so much for being here for me.”
“You’re going through with it, then?”
“Yes, it’s what he wanted. I’m probably in a lot of trouble. Probably legal trouble, but I don’t care. This is what Charlie wanted, his dying wish. He’s been there for me my whole life, and I couldn’t mourn him until I did this for him. It was our bargain. I loved him so much, Dakota. I miss him so much. And I swear he brought me to you, too, because you needed me and I needed you. I don’t know how the world works, but I know that two lost souls found each other here this Christmas Day. And, in our union, hope of this season lives in us.”
He nodded and pulled me hard against him again. “Do you want to do this now?”
“Yes. It’s a beautiful day, with a lovely breeze. It’s time to set him free so he can fly.”
“Let me go grab a jacket.”
I slipped into my coat and picked up the backpack with the urn inside. Suddenly I heard a car door slam and I rushed to the window. “Oh, shit,” I said. “Oh, no!”
Without waiting for Dakota, I bolted for the back door.
Dakota
I heard her cry out and the back door slam against the wall. I rushed out of my bedroom still shrugging into my jacket, and I saw a man racing after Alissa across the sparkling snow. I growled deep in my throat, and the fury consumed me as my vision wavered. Instead of that man, I saw the scarred man, running after Alissa, my two worlds meshing. I bolted forward, and with the speed born of a wildness that I had known only one other time in my life, I caught him, wrestled him to the ground, grabbing for his neck. I started squeezing and the scarred man looked up at me with no remorse in his eyes.
I knew Alissa was pulling on my arms, but like before, I was locked into the flashback, a murderous rage consuming me. Something hit me hard, and when I rolled into the snow, I saw it was Alissa. She had rammed me with the full force of her body. The Pooh backpack lay in the snow. The man rose coughing and choking and I snapped out of it. But my heart sank when I realized what I had almost done and that sick, twisted feeling overwhelmed me.
“Who are you?” I rose in one fluid motion and stood between Alissa and the man.
“I’m her father.”
“Leave Alissa alone.” I said.
“Who the hell are you?!”
“I’m the fucker you’re going have to go through to get to her and those ashes. She came to do something extremely important, extremely personal, and deeply moving. But you wouldn’t know anything about that, because you’re an idiot and never took the time to get know your amazing, beautiful daughter. Now, get the fuck off my property. You’re trespassing.”
“Wait. Dad, how did you know what I was going to do?”
“Someone at the funeral home discovered the ashes missing and they called Charlie’s parents, who called us. I guessed what you were going to do. Charlie’s mother said that this place in Colorado was the only place he ever talked about. We guessed you were going to release them here. I came as soon as I could get here, but the pass closed and I had to wait until the blizzard was over.”
“You didn’t come here for me. Even though Charlie was like a brother to me. You didn’t once consider what his death meant to me. You just came for the ashes.”
“Of course, I came for the ashes. We’re sorry about Charlie. We are. But, what you did was very irresponsible. His parents are very upset.”
“Really? Why?”
“Don’t be impertinent. I expect that you will go to the car now with the ashes and we’ll go home.”
She looked up at me, the blue of her eyes matching the clear sky above us. “Home? That isn’t my home. I’m already home. Wherever he is, that’s home.”
I was overcome. No way to describe how those words settled on my heart and transformed me in an instant. I had a decision to make, and it wasn’t an easy one, but in my heart I knew it was the only answer I could come up with.
“Go, babe, do what you came here to do.”
With a disgusted and disappointed look on his face, her father said, “Go ahead and do it, Alissa. I’ll wait for you out front.”
Alissa was leaving and I didn’t want to let her go, but I knew what it was that I had to do. It was going to be hard for both of us.
Alissa
I looked at Dakota and he smiled at me. I took his hand and kissed his palm, then his lips as my father marched away through the snow without looking back. I turned, Dakota’s love like a brand on my heart, his courage in seeking help burning deep inside.
My boots crunched across that endless swath of white, and I snagged the backpack on my way by. It was heavy, but Charlie had never been a burden. I walked to the edge of the cliff and gazed around at that breathtaking view. I unzipped the bag and pulled out the urn. Then I broke the seal and pulled off the cover.
“We’re here, Charlie,” I said. “I made it. We made it! I’m here to keep my promise, because you were my very best friend. I will love you forever, my Piglet.”
The breeze whipped around me as if saying, Let him go. He belongs to us now, to the push and pull of the wind, the movement of the earth, the endless flow of time. He’s ours and we want him back. Let him go. He will always be with you. Just listen to the wind. Just listen, Alissa.
My hands tightened on the urn and a terrible sense of loss scored me. I didn’t want to let him go. I was losing the last physical bit of him and it was so final. I closed my eyes and let that pain wash over me. I embraced it and held it. But instead of being empty, all my wonderful full memories of Charlie settled there with a soft glow. He would always be with me. This wasn’t the end.
Goose bumps covered my skin and I heaved the urn, gripped tightly in my hands, and the ashes flowed out, and the wind caught them like gentle fingers and took him away. Charlie soared free.
And that feeling, that wonderful, glorious feeling of flying free was inside me, too. That was it. That was what I’d been searching for my whole life. I was the one who had to let go of my fear. I was trying to have the kind of relationship that I wanted with my parents. It wasn’t going to happen. They wouldn’t let it happen. I was the stubborn one. I was the one who was making myself unhappy. I had to be the one to go out and seek what I wanted and it had happened unexpectedly.
I had found the love I had always wanted in Dakota.
I took that feeling, embracing what I had shared with Dakota and Charlie.
As I freed Charlie into the waiting wind, I freed myself and my heart soared—unshackled at last—full of life, energy, love, and Dakota. Full of my love for Charlie. I could never go back.
I would never go back.
In that moment, in that beautiful moment…
I was…
Brave.
I came into the cabin, and Dakota stood at the counter, his back pressed to the marble, his arms crossed over his chest. The somber disquiet in his eyes unsettled me, especially when I thought we had dealt with all our problems last night.
Dakota held my gaze for a moment, his eyes shuttered, an unhappy cant to his mouth.
A flutter of alarm started in my middle, and I shifted on my feet.
“What is it? What’s wrong?”
He rubbed at his eyes and when he looked at me again, the sick, naked expression made my throat contract. And suddenly I was faced with a tormented man. I closed the distance between us. “No!” I said.
“Alissa,” he said with such gut-wrenching need, and I threw myself against him.
I was his one vulnerability.
I was his weakness.
He had been my strength.
It couldn’t end like this.