Ten

I CRY ON MY COUCH FOR about an hour, fussed over by two very anxious cats who aren’t used to me falling apart like this anymore.

Eventually I run out of energy, so I slump over to lie in a bleak daze for another hour.

The strange thing is I don’t know what to feel about this situation. Now that the initial shock is wearing off, I’m definitely hurt by what feels like a betrayal.

But there’s also something else. Something far scarier and more bewildering than the fact that Theo kept this secret from me.

It’s like the final puzzle piece has been snapped into place, creating a complete picture. And it’s that picture—that reality—that has my heart and mind and spirit in such an uproar.

Finally I rouse myself to take a walk, breathing deeply and doing my best to clear my mind and settle into some sort of peace.

I do feel a little better afterward, but I’m not anywhere close to peace. So I gather the stuff I need for overnight and tomorrow, put the Christmas gifts I’ve got wrapped and ready in a large shopping bag, and corral Ed and Claude into their crate so I can haul everything over to Tee’s.

It will be so late after midnight Mass that it makes sense to spend the night with her and Daniela.

I don’t much feel like being alone right now anyway.

***

DANIELA IS OUT DOING some last-minute Christmas shopping, but Tee helps me unload and then sets us up with tea and cookies while the cats investigate every nook and cranny in the large house to make sure it’s exactly the same as it was when they last visited.

To my relief, she doesn’t immediately ask what’s wrong with me, although it’s got to be obvious that I’m an emotional wreck. She bustles around in her normal manner, jumping from topic to topic as she chats and making sure I’m comfortable in my favorite chair and even bringing me a crocheted blanket to wrap around my shoulders since she’s sure I must be chilly.

Her familiar kindness makes me cry again despite my best efforts.

“Oh mija,” she murmurs, reaching over to pat my arm. “Drink your tea. You’ll tell me all about it whenever you’re ready.”

I do as she suggests and am able to start talking in a few minutes. I spill everything out to her about Theo being my pen pal, occasionally going in circles with the narration and often repeating myself.

Tee doesn’t care. She listens to everything with sympathetic dark eyes and wordless murmurs that prove she’s following along and that she cares.

When I’m finally done, we both finish our cookies in silence. I feel relieved—less burdened—even though Tee still hasn’t responded.

“Well,” she says at last. “He is indeed a very shy young man. I can clearly see how it happened. Can’t you?”

“Yes, of course I can see how it happened. It was safe for him to start messaging me anonymously, but then the whole thing kind of spiraled out of control. But that doesn’t mean it was right for him to not tell me. I get he was scared, but he still should have told me.”

“Of course he should have told you. No one could possibly question that. He was scared and made a mistake. So the question is whether that mistake is enough to destroy everything you were building with him.”

Something about her choice of words makes me whimper. I fiddle with the handle of my teacup. “I... I don’t know.”

She peers at me closely. “I’ve never known you not to lead with your heart. You’ve always faced every situation with empathy and understanding. Can you really not feel for him enough to forgive?”

“I... I do empathize. I can feel for him so deeply that it makes me cry. What he had to go through for so many years, wanting me but never being able to say so. Never being able to act on it. I have no idea how he... It must have hurt him so much for a really long time. I’m sure I can forgive him. That’s not even the main issue. It’s... it’s...”

Tee waits, but I can’t get past the block in my throat. Finally she nods as if she already knows. “I can imagine it might be overwhelming. To realize this new relationship isn’t merely two weeks old. You and Theo have been together for almost a year.”

“We weren’t—” My objection is instinctive, but it’s neither true nor necessary.

Tee is right. The fact that Theo is my pen pal means exactly that. That he and I have been slowly building this relationship for the past year. That was the final puzzle piece that snapped into place, and the whole picture it reveals is a fully developed relationship.

“I think...” I take a slow, ragged breath and blow it out. “I think that’s what’s upset me the most. Starting something new—now, after Chris—has been really hard, and part of how I’ve been handling it has been reminding myself that we’re just getting started. So there’s not a lot of pressure. I’m not committing to anything. But now... but now...”

“You thought what you had was a safe little sapling, but now you’ve discovered the tree has very long roots.”

I contort my face to keep from crying again as I nod at her apt description.

“It’s planted deep.”

“It is. That’s exactly it. And of course I was hurt and betrayed by the secret, but I might have done the exact same thing as him if I were in his situation. But now it’s... it’s real. It’s not simply this exciting thing I’m trying out. It’s real.” I reach down to stroke Ed, who is rubbing against my ankles worriedly. I add in a hoarse whisper, “It means I’ve really moved on all the way from Chris.”

When I start shaking again, she gets up and leans over me in a hug. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. It’s so hard.”

I reach up to hold on to her forearms, seeking the comfort I need. “I didn’t expect... I thought I’d gotten through the worst of it, so I didn’t expect it to hit me this way. But Theo loves me. He loves me.” I almost choke as I force out the words. “He’s loved me for years. And you’re right. Because we slowly developed the online relationship, that means we’ve been together for a lot longer than two weeks. And so maybe I... I...”

“Maybe you love him too.”

“He was Chris’s best friend!” I burst out, blinded by tears. “And I was Chris’s girl. How can we...? What would Chris—”

Tee still has her arms around me like she’s trying to hold me together. “Chris loved you, mija. He loved both of you. If he was alive, none of this would have happened, so it’s a futile exercise to imagine what he would say now that he’s gone. You can only live in the world as it is. And in this world, Chris is gone, but you and your Theo are still here. You’ve learned who he really is. You’ve gotten closer. You’ve fallen in love. And you have a chance to be happy together. It’s in that world you need to make your decisions.”

My sobs have finally dissipated. I sniff and mop at my face as Tee straightens up and goes back to her own seat.

“How did you leave it with Theo?” she asks after a minute.

“I told him I needed some space to think.”

“That was wise. You didn’t end things?”

“No! No, I didn’t. I wouldn’t. Not impulsively. I know from experience my first instinct isn’t always the best.”

“How was he?”

“He was... devastated.”

“He believes he’s lost you because he was too afraid to speak.”

“Y-yes. I think so.”

“Has he? Lost you?”

“I... I don’t know.”

“Okay. Well, you have time. Think about it. No matter what his feelings are or how long he’s had them, you’re still free to choose what’s best for you. And that may or may not be him.”

“I want to choose what’s best. I just don’t... don’t know what that is.”

“You will.” She smiles at me, warm and knowing. “I promise, you will know soon.”

***

DANIELA COMES HOME from shopping but has apparently gotten inspired on a project because she goes immediately to the studio and stays there most of the afternoon. So Tee and I spend the rest of the day together, working on some last-minute baking and then preparations for dinner. We still have time for a short nap since we have a long evening.

Dinner is me, Daniela, Tee, and several of her friends—women her age who are either widowed or never married. The food is delicious, and I’ve recovered emotionally enough to let the pleasant conversation distract me briefly from Theo. Daniela goes back to the studio to work afterward, but the rest of us linger a long time and then move to the living room so we can sit around the Christmas tree as we wait for Mass.

At Mass, I sit in the middle of a pew next to Daniela and one of Tee’s friends, and a few minutes before the service starts something prompts me to glance behind me.

Theo has come in. He sits by himself near the back. He meets my gaze soberly, but he doesn’t make any attempt to smile or speak.

He was supposed to come with me, but now everything is different.

“You want me to tell him to go home?” Daniela asks in a stage whisper.

“No! He’s fine. He’s allowed to be here if he wants.”

“You can go sit with him.”

I shake my head. “No. I’m not ready for that.”

I do my best to keep my focus forward toward the altar throughout the service, but I can’t resist a few stray glances. As if he senses it, he shifts his eyes to me each time, and we stare at each other across the distance until I can finally wrench my gaze away.

The Mass itself is lovely and solemn, and it touches me emotionally so deeply that tears start streaming down my face again.

I know Theo will see me crying, but there’s nothing I can do to hold them back.

Tee always lingers after the service for a long time, greeting all her friends and acquaintances and wishing everyone a merry Christmas.

So it’s after one by the time we’re pulling up the driveway to her old house.

The first thing I notice when Daniela’s headlights hit the gravel parking area is that there’s a car that doesn’t belong there.

I recognize it almost immediately.

It’s Theo’s two-year-old crossover SUV.

“Oh my,” Tee says.

My eyes search the dark front yard until they spot Theo sitting on one of the steps that lead up to the front porch. He stands up as we park.

“Oh my,” Tee says again.

I get out of the back seat, my heart racing with both nerves and excitement. I walk over to where Theo is waiting.

“I stopped by to leave you a Christmas gift,” he says, showing me a small wrapped box in one hand. “I wrote you out a long letter, but then I realized I can’t hide anymore. I’ve been hiding for far too long, never believing I’m allowed to share what’s inside me, but I don’t want to keep doing that. I need to... to say what I have to say to you face-to-face. If you’ll let me.” He pauses, his expression deep and hesitant and yearning. “Will you let me?”

I open my mouth, but no sound comes out. I glance back at Tee and Daniela.

“We’re heading inside,” Daniela says, hiding a smile. “Just pretend we aren’t here.”

“Yes, yes. We haven’t seen a single thing.”

The two of them hurry up the porch steps and to the front door. I hear Tee giggle as she closes the door behind them.

For some reason, the sound of it makes me giggle too.

Theo’s eyebrows pull together, but it looks like he’s almost smiling now. “Will you please let me say it?” he murmurs. “I’m not expecting an answer from you. You can have all the space you need. I just need to say it.”

I nod. Cross my arms over my chest in a protective stance. It feels like my heart might beat all the way out of my chest.

“I ran into Daniela as she was shopping today. I couldn’t sit still, so I was walking the downtown streets aimlessly, and I almost ran into her. She asked me what was wrong. I didn’t tell her much, but she deduced it was us.”

This isn’t at all what I expect, so I take a step closer, my curiosity piqued.

“She must have felt sorry for me because she told me about a conversation you two had with Tee about soulmates.”

“Oh.” I blink. “She told you that?”

“Yes. I’ve always imagined my heart with a piece missing. A piece that belongs to you. But since soulmates are a no-go, I had to revisualize it.” He hands me the small gift, wrapped in lovely red damask paper.

I gulp, my eyes moving between the box and his face. “You want me to open it now?”

“Yes, if you don’t mind. Daniela helped me with it.”

“Is that what she was working on all afternoon?”

“Yes.” He takes a shuddering breath. “Please open it.”

I carefully undo the paper and lift the lid. Inside is a necklace. A pendant on a lovely gold chain. The pendant itself is intricately sculpted. Two deep red hearts wrapped around each other.

I gasp. “It’s beautiful.”

“It comes apart.”

“What?” Intrigued, I set the box and paper down on the porch so I can get my fingers on the pendant. As he said, the two hearts can be separated. They aren’t hard metal or stone. I have no idea what they’re made of, but they’re malleable. They bend and reshape themselves into two separate hearts, both still attached to the chain.

Damn it. I start crying again.

He reaches out like he wants to comfort me but then stops himself. It looks like he’s shaking with the effort to hold himself back. “I know I messed up. I wasn’t brave enough to speak when I should have. I’ve spent all my life holding back, so it felt like it would crack the foundation of my world to finally speak my whole heart to you. And the way it’s happened, maybe I was right about that, but it doesn’t matter. I still should have told you the truth and let you decide what you want. So this is the truth.” He clears his throat. Drops his eyes before he wrenches them back up. “My heart... my heart was made to shape itself around yours. And even if you can never forgive me, never trust me again, it’s always going to be shaped like you.”

I’m shaking. Swiping tears away. “Theo.”

“And I know you need space, so after this I’m really going to leave you alone. But I wanted you to know that I’m going to do better. I’m going to be better. I’m not going to keep holding back because I’m afraid it’s not safe. It doesn’t matter if it’s safe. You deserve everything from me, and that’s what you’re going to get. If... If... If you want it.”

“Theo,” I say again, more a gurgle than a word. I look back down at the necklace in my hands, and it’s exactly as Tee said it would be.

I know—I know with absolute certainty—what I want to do.

I gently fit the two hearts on the chain back together so that they’re wrapped around each other.

Theo makes a gruff sound in his throat as he watches me.

“Will you put it on me please?” I ask him.

He’s breathing loud and fast as he steps over, takes the necklace from my hand, and moves behind me. I pull my hair out of the way as he carefully fastens the clasp.

I turn around to face him.

He’s staring down at me in the porch light, hope and excitement and a heart-wrenching question in his eyes.

“I love you too, Theo Humphrey.”

With a strangled exclamation, he pulls me into a tight hug. I wrap my arms around his waist and squeeze him just as tightly as he’s holding me.

“I love you, Maya,” he mumbles, his face buried in my hair. “I’ve loved you for so long. I can’t believe I was so afraid of ruining it that that’s exactly what I almost did.”

“You didn’t. I was just... afraid.”

“I know.” He pulls back, his face transformed. “We can still go slow. As slow as you want. Just because I made this thing really deep and serious all at once doesn’t mean there’s pressure for you to reciprocate. It’s okay if you’re not ready—”

“I am ready. I’m ready for everything.” It’s absolutely ridiculous, but I’m having to wipe away even more tears. “Not... I mean, not everything, but definitely for a real relationship. With you. That’s what I want.”

“That’s what I want too.” He cups my face in one of his hands. “This is my Christmas miracle.”

I giggle and burrow against him again. “It’s my Christmas miracle too.”

***

WHEN WE FINALLY GO inside the house together, we’re too relieved, giddy, and exhausted to do much of anything but collapse on the couch. We chat with Tee and Daniela for a few minutes, but then they head to bed since it’s almost two in the morning.

Theo and I cuddle on the couch, too tired to do much talking. Eventually I lead him up to my bedroom. We don’t have sex. Neither one of us has enough energy for that. But we get under the covers and hold each other until we go to sleep.

***

IT’S CHRISTMAS MORNING when I wake up. It’s just after eight and the sun is shining through the window since I didn’t have sense enough to pull the curtains closed last night.

I lift my head and see that Theo is still sound asleep beside me.

It was only yesterday—yesterday—that I woke up before Theo and watched him sleeping, coming to the conclusion that he was the man I want.

I didn’t know everything then, but the conclusion I came to was the right one. Now it all feels fuller, deeper, realer, heavier.

With strong enough roots to withstand any storm.

He makes a mumbling sound as he blinks a few times until his blue eyes focus on my face. “Good morning. I love you.”

My heart melts. “Good morning. Merry Christmas.”

“Oh yeah.” His smile widens. “It’s a very good Christmas.” He pauses as he peers at me. “Isn’t it?”

I giggle and hug him. “Yes. It’s a very good Christmas this year. I love you too.”

He hugs me back. Then he starts to kiss me. I’m happy for a few kisses, but then I have to call for a break so I can run to the bathroom to pee, wash up, and brush my teeth. He’s chuckling when I come running back to bed, but he won’t let me tackle him.

Not until he makes a visit to the bathroom too.

“Now,” I say, grinning as he climbs back into bed beside me. “We’re ready at last.”

He stretches out and gazes up at me from his pillow. “Are we?” he asks very gently.

“We are.”

I confirm the words by climbing on top of him and leaning down into a kiss.

This time nothing interrupts or comes between us. We kiss for a long time, as thorough and patient and leisurely as Theo has always kissed me. I know he’s getting into it. He’s hard in his boxers almost immediately, and he makes a lot of throaty moans into my mouth. But he doesn’t rush us. He takes his time, caresses me all over until the kiss and the touches and the deep feeling between us all combine to build my arousal up to an overwhelming extent.

Eventually I can’t keep quiet. I’m making greedy sounds as my mouth works against his and our tongues slide together. My hips are making the same rocking motion as his, and soon it feels like I’m going to come from nothing more than this.

“Theo,” I mumble, barely able to pull my lips away from his.

“Yes, sweetheart.”

“Can we please have sex now?”

“That sounds good to me.”

“Really?” I lift my head to check his face.

He’s smiling up at me endearingly. “Of course, yes. Are you really surprised?”

“It just seems to have taken a long time.”

“Well, maybe we needed a long time.” He holds my face in both hands. “But we’re here now. Together. And I want to make love to you more than anything.”

The old-fashioned term should have felt cheesy, but it doesn’t. It feels nakedly authentic.

Because what we’re acting on now is love.

I kiss him again and at the same time reach down to his groin so I can slip a hand under his waistband and stroke his erection.

He grunts at my touch, his hips bucking slightly. Then by mutual accord we quickly strip off our clothes so that I can straddle his hips and sink down onto his erection.

I’ve been on birth control for years to regulate my period, so we don’t need to worry about that. My body stretches to accommodate his size, and we’re both panting as we adjust to the penetration.

He’s smiling up at me, sweating and breathless and adoring me with his eyes.

I’m smiling too as my hair falls forward past my shoulders and I brace myself on his shoulders. Then I start to ride him. He holds my hips as I bounce over him eagerly, letting go of any stray inhibitions so I can take exactly what my body needs.

It doesn’t take long until I’m coming with cries of pleasure that I muffle with my hand so I’m not too loud in the quiet house.

He tries to hold out, but it’s a losing battle. With a strangled exclamation, he makes several clumsy thrusts up into me as he works through his own climax.

We’re both panting and laughing as I fall down on top of him afterward, and he wraps me in his arms.

“That wasn’t an entirely impressive performance on my part,” Theo says, sounding warm and dry and exactly like himself.

“Well, I came even sooner than you. And it was perfect,” I tell him, pressing kisses on his neck and jaw. “I loved it.”

“I did too,” he admits. “This moment is probably the pinnacle of my entire life up until now. But give me a little time to recover and I think we can do better.”

“I’m not worried. We have plenty of time.”

We snuggle together for a while, talking and kissing occasionally. But then Theo does indeed recover. I feel him growing hard against me again.

Smiling, I reach down and take him in one of my hands. “Are you always going to have me be on top?”

“Only if you want it that way,” he tells me. “You seem to like to make things happen.”

“I do,” I admit. “I just get so excited. But I like different things at different times. So we can try it with you on top too, if you want.”

He rolls me over onto my back with him on top of me. He grins down at me, hot and possessive. “I like different things at different times too.”

We work together to fit his erection inside me again, and I wrap my legs around his back. He thrusts slowly at first as we synchronize our motion, but soon he’s going at it hard and fast. I come and then come again before he finally falls out of rhythm, rasping out how much he loves me and how much he needs me and how he’ll never leave me just before he comes inside me.

I’m hot and messy and perfectly sated when his hips stop rocking. He’s been holding himself up on his forearms, but he lowers his face enough to kiss me softly. “I love you, Maya Alexander. I think I always have.”

I smile against his lips. “Well, I haven’t, but that doesn’t matter anymore. Because I love you now.”

He’s smiles back, and then he can’t seem to stop smiling as he rolls us over to our sides so he can wrap his arms around me. He always wants to hold me as close as possible.

Tee was right. She almost always is.

My heart isn’t made of cold, hard marble, fashioned in only one unchangeable shape. It’s soft and resilient and human.

So now my heart—my life—can reshape itself around Theo’s in the same way his has always been shaped around me.