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Knox
Zipping my leather jacket up straddling my bike I turn the key and roar her to life, this is going to be hard to say goodbye, but I think that she has made her decision by not coming back since the day she pulled me from my bed. Pulling out of the compound I head to the florist on 5th and 10th to buy the purple roses that grace her grave every week. I’ll never lay anything else down for her. The scent walking into Flowers by Rose is engulfing she smiles up at me as the bell chimes. “Knox, six purple roses, is it?” She asks me while reaching around behind her to open the fridge holding the roses.
“You know it doll,” I wink at her. I look around while she makes up the bouquet. Running my fingertips over the soft petals of the iris that sit in the tall black bucket by the window, I instantly think of Blue and then the most beautiful white Lilly dances in the breeze from the fan, the movement catching my eye. Picking up the Lilly and half a dozen of the purple Iris I head over to Rose placing them down on her counter, she ties the black ribbon around the roses
“These too, please beautiful,” Blue will love these I think as Rose’s sweet voice sounds out.
“Sure thing!” Once she has finished I thank her and head out, putting both bouquets inside the front of my leather jacket. Pulling on my helmet I take the freeway out, heading over to the cemetery, mentally going over just what I shall say. It’s like breaking up with someone you really don’t want to leave but you know it’s for the best and this is even harder with her being a fucken ghost. She's stubborn, standing her ‘I’m not coming around anymore ground’ she will not waver on her stance. I know that she’s been to everyone else but me. I see it in their eyes when they look at me.
Pulling up to the resting place of the dead, I head to the grave of my baby. I run my hands through the umbrella tree that hangs over her very own spot on a small rise. We chose this spot so she can overlook the NY city’s skyline, night time here is the best.
Pulling her flowers from my jacket and placing Blue’s down on the seat under the tree, I run my fingers over her name engraved in stone still so fresh and new. Placing her purple roses down into the black vase one at a time, I stop on the very last one. I look out around me waiting willing her to appear.
“Angel, it’s to your grave that I now speak, holding no more than this purple rose for it’s now that I realize you are gone and not going to come back to me, for now, you will always be out of my reach. I feel you. I do. At night watching me, I feel you when I train, But see you, I no longer can so I now know that you’re gone. I tried to spend what felt like a lifetime holding onto you so I didn’t lose my feeling of home, but I now see Angel that you were not my home, the dead can never be. A ghost I can’t hold onto, so in this lifetime I shall make home in Blue and make it with her. I will never leave you, Angel, I shall come from time to time and I will still lay down here with you and remember how your heart used to sound beating next to mine, for the love we had shall never die. But I have to give my all to Blue. I wanted to give you all that you had ever dreamed of, and forever more I shall love you and see the world through your eyes. But I will put your dreams to rest as I lay your spirit to sleep until I see you again at the gates of our maker.”
Placing the last Rose in the vase, I sit down leaning my forehead into the grass below and breath in deep as the ache sets fire to a soul I thought I had sold long ago to a devil. I soul that now I have made peace with. Just like that as I’m about to stand and leave a gust of freezing cold air whispers to me that you are gone. Left behind circling on the wings of the wind.
“I will always love you, over the moon, under the sun, and in and out of the stars.”
In a whirlwind of leaves mixed with the gold and black feathers of an Angel. An Angel who allowed me to hold on for this long. An Angel that lost her spot in heaven, breaking all the rules, just to keep me company in my dark mind. Now she must find a new home. Kissing the headstone, a flashback of every memory we ever made together washes through my mind’s eye. Standing and shaking it all off I pick up the flowers for Blue. It’s time to start living. I head back to the beautiful Celtic goddess that I can now call mine as for tonight I will make her my old lady in her world, and now mine, that is the most sort after title.
Blue
Standing in the full-length mirror that stands in the corner of the walk-in wardrobe of our room, I slowly pull the towel away from my body. I had wrapped so tightly around my beaten body after the shower so that I could hide it. No matter how hard I wish I never ever seem to feel clean. Letting the towel drop to the floor my eyes close. I breathe the air deep into my lungs, wincing at the ever-present pain that sits there, always swimming inside my body, a reminder of what happened. I reminder that I am broken inside and could be losing my fucken mind. Wondering how he can love what I am now. Still holding the breath I sucked in slowly, I peel my eyes open and start at the top of my body my hair, down to the angry red footprint on my forehead, to the purple and yellow bruises that scatter my face. I contiune down to the puffy eye socket that is broken, laced in the angriest blue-purple-red bruise, matching the evil bloodshot eyeball. All the blood vessels have been popped inside it, now it looks like it's bleeding red instead of the most intense green like my other one. Traveling my good eye down my neck, I trace the marks and scrapes with the tips of my fingers to my collarbone and the fingerprints that are embedded in my skin, to the swell of my breasts that have tiny dots laced out all over them. Bites from bugs mixed with the bite marks of the Viper and his men. Down to my torso that has kick and punch marks all over it, running my fingers over my ribs it feels as though each one has been broken. The dark blue marks on either side, looking deeper down my thighs, are littered with the angry blue bruises and track marks cover my arms, even the skin is off the tops of my feet. Falling to my knees, I look at myself with eyes that don’t feel like they belong to me. How did I allow this to happen to me? Why didn’t I find a way to reach inside and wield the hands of this hurt away from me? How can Knox see past all of this and still want to make love to me? It’s so unclear as im so unclean.
Pulling myself into my body, I lay there on the floor of the wardrobe and pull myself back inside of me into the little white room that I use to tranquilize my mind away from the reality of this world, and I turn back into the insanity of mine. I allowed him to abuse and batter me. I thought that I could fight him and win, break away from the dirty shades of the Viper, from Dublin’s underground, how naive of me. Maybe we are all insane with the way we live, I just can’t seem to look past the eyes of tomorrow.
“Bella Donna” I’m startled by the voice calling out to me, looking up through the haze of tears that kiss my eyes, I see Erabella.
“Child are you seeking the devil to take you?”
She sounds so concerned about me, falling down in front of my curled-up body she pulls me into her wrapping the towel around me. “The doctor is here Child to look over you and Miss Nirvana, let’s get you dressed shall we.” The look in her eyes is not pity but understanding. As she pulls on my bra, white T-Shirt, panties and Ripped faded jeans she pulls me up and ushers me over to the stool that sits in front of the dressing table. Bending down she places one foot then another into my black combat boots lacing them up. I watch her every movement with a feeling of numbness and shame. Patting my knee, she stands to come around the back of me. She starts to brush out my fiery red hair and tell me about her daughter.
“You know Bella Donna my daughter was lost and loved drugs like that man liked to give you, she wasn’t strong like you though, and she never tried to fight not even for the boys. When they were born, tiny wee things they were, but she never stopped till it killed her and the boy’s father too. So, you see we are the same we live through the same thing. I’ll fight with you and Knox, he has seen it all and a lot worse. He will not falter in his quest to love you child, so straighten your shoulders and let’s get you better.”
I let her words seep into my bones and wash over me as she braids my hair. Closing my eyes to the soothing feel as she hums around me. I open my eyes, when she stops. She is standing in front of me. “Let’s put a tiny bit of makeup on and let’s see if we can dim the bruises, that’ll make you feel so much better child.” Nodding is all I do. I’m so unsure of what to think or feel, the part about Knox’s mom runs through me.
Walking downstairs holding Erabella’s hand she leads me out to the porch where she has set up a table with lemonade and Banana bread. The Doctor is sitting around talking with Nirvana, Arlam is watching her like a hawk. I am so glad that I now know her name. Arlam is sitting back in the shadows with his leg over his knee tapping his fingers on his leather biker boot cigarette in the other. Smiling at him, he winks at me. I pull out the seat sitting down we go over the last few days with the doctor, it’s not long before he asks me about my injuries and how they are healing. My body seems to mirror Nirvana, he checks them over poking and freaking prodding.
“Nothing has changed Doc,” I breathe out as I swat his hand away. “The bruises are still there. My body still looks like a kaleidoscope scope, my ribs are mending slowly and my eye, well that’s a whole other story but I’m the Celtic goddess, I’ve had a beating or two in the ring, so I’ll be fine.” I Smile up at his sad eyes.
“This here Doc,” I say pointing up to my head. “Well this will take a bit longer to mend.” He understands completely squeezing my hand he stands and excuses himself. Erabella follows him out, no doubt to get the weeks’ worth of pills and methadone to lock away from the in-house drug addict known as Blue James.
Nirvana is a mystery alright she doesn’t talk and barely eats. She drinks a shit ton of water though and for the last hour sitting here I’ve watched her pick at nothing. In her skin it’s the imagery drug beetles that you think are crawling around inside you just under the surface of your skin, but shit they ain’t, and no matter how much you pick pull and rip them suckers never come out. I look up from watching her to see Arlam in a stare down with the front of my head
“What,” I mouth to him above Nirvana’s bowed head. He just gives me the ‘don’t fucking do it stare,’ eyes. Picking up a cube of ice from my cup I flick it at him. Her head snaps up in shock, and her eyes bug out from her pretty little head. I smirk as Arlam picks up the ice cube and hurls it back at me. I break out laughing as he takes the few steps over to the table and sits down with us finally off pit bull guard duty. Reaching out his freaking amazing tattooed hand to her equally tattooed hand, I smile at the jester coming from the Reapers’ very own zombie boy.
“What’s your story sweetheart?” I question her with a perfect yet fucking bruised eyebrow. She looks at me then down again and then up and around at Arlam, “I won’t bite,” I say to her with a chuckle in my voice. “Much,” I add, wiggling my eyebrows at Arlam.
“Quit it, Blue, baby we all know you're batshit fucking crazy.” He says to me leaning into her purple hair whispering god knows what. A small smile flickers through her eyes and she nods her head. “I’m just as fucked up babycakes.” I hear in the most intriguing accent I’ve ever heard. Shaking my head, I mock her, “wait” I stutter out, “you speak!” She gets it and grins at me with the whitest teeth ever.
“I sure fucking do darling.” She sasses out. Bitch just sassed me holy hell. Leaning back in my chair placing my hands over my sore ribs, I add. “You may just make it here doll face.” I offer her a grin and a wink, I can totally tell pit bull has already pissed all over her. Rolling my head back on the chair, he walks up behind, me opening my eyes as his crouch meets the back of my head. All I see is his strong ass jawline, and strands of his hair falling from his man bun as the sun lights up around the back of him, like a golden halo. As he leans down my body is engulfed in his smell and my mind is taken on a ride of vivid flashbacks of all our times together. He brings his lips to my forehead, kissing me so gently that it’s barely a touch, but my body screams for it.
“Hey baby” he murmurs against my skin causing a trail of fire to break out over me.
“Hey you,” I shot back at him, he rests his hands on my shoulder. “Bro you bringing Nirvana to the cookout tonight?” He asks Arlam, my ears prick up at the word cookout. Looking at Arlam he just nods over the rim of his beer bottle, stealing a glance at mystery girl she’s back to her normal picking. I smile because I know the feeling all too well and have picked many fake bugs from my body.
I look at Knox as he stands there talking to Arlam. This morning the events really changed me something shifted. Erabella is right, he will not run. I will tell him what happened in time but right now he loves me scars, flaws and all.
Knox
That smile pulls at something deep in my core, the way it stands my cock to attention, licking my lips I lift her up and pull her sweet body into me. Feeling her wince, I loosen my grip. “Sorry baby, I hope you’re not too sore,” kissing her forehead I pull her back to look into her eyes. They can never lie, her lips yes but eyes no.
“Just tender is all.” “Fuck you’re beautiful baby,” I can’t contain the growl that escapes from my lips as I take her in, jeans, trademark tee and flannel shirt. I can’t help it that my dick stands to attention every time my eyes look over her body.
“Shut up let’s go aye,” she states, linking her arms around my waist, before we get to far I stop, looking over her head to Arlam and Nirvana. “See you both in a bit at the compound.” I say as Blue pulls us away. Arlam gives me a head nod and Nirvana well she never looks up.
Once we hit the front of the house Blue’s body stills as she looks over my bike, “are we?” her massive moss green eyes looking up at me with such excitement. “Sure, are baby, thought you could use a ride.” Clapping her hands happily, jumping on the spot I see her wince in pain again. “Shit maybe not.” I say as I pull her against me.
“I’m ok, I swear. Please I need this.” Pleading with me, pouting those lips that I just wanna sink my teeth into I am lost. Placing the helmet on her head, smacking the top and popping it down, she laughs hiking her leg over the bike taking her place on the back and in my heart. Kicking the bike to life I feel my baby nuzzle into me. Placing her head on my back and wrapping her arms around me tight I pull out the drive and take us out of town up to the one spot she feels safe.
Winding up the road to the top of the peak I feel her sit up a little, her grip tightens around me a smile pulls at my lips as she places her head on my shoulder thanking my silently for bringing her here.
Blue
As he slows down to a stop I take my helmet off shaking out my ponytail, looking around us at the view that is New York, I truly feel free, alive, me Blue-James. Unlatching the gate, we pull down the long winding drive that leads to my heaven, the first thing I notice is the white rose bushes lining both sides of the driveway. Sucking in air tangled with their sweet sent, I let their aroma was over me. Then butterflies form in my tummy as we stop outside the house, getting off the bike trying hard to keep the pained look from my eyes and face. The ride was laced in pain no matter how easy he took the road. Shit let’s not lie, fucken breathing and living right now hurts even having the clothing on my skin hurts. So, I do a Blue special and plant a smile on my lips, and a fakeness in my eyes. I won’t let pain and nightmares take this way from him. I pull him in for a cheeky kiss as he leads me up the steps leading to the wrap around veranda, the love seat is chained up and painted he has been a busy boy. My heart fills with love for this man. He knew that I would need a haven, somewhere that wouldn’t hold any nightmares for me, and while I had wanting to leave this world, leave him, he had been planning a way for me to stay in it.
“When did you find time to do this?” I ask shocked and so freaking amazed
“Oh, you know. I am a man of many talents baby, you should know that,” winking at me I punch his arm, a playful grin forming over both our faces.
Pushing the door open I’m greeted with what I can only explain as magical. The whole house is finished inside, there is white and black comfy lounge chairs, rugs, sanded wooden floors, black floor-length curtains. Everything that was in my dream book is here right down to the lights and switches. Walking through the place I feel at peace. Running my hands over the chairs, the tables. Down the halls, white roses and purple wisteria fill the home. They are tucked away here, there and everywhere in little hidey holes. Spinning on my heels I pull him to me, kissing his lips hard. Pushing into him and holding on like he will disappear, I take my hand and start to run it up his body. He pulls me free from him.
“Come,” he croons out all sexy like, my heart picks up a beat. Following him he opens up a door leading to my dream room, looking up at him he kisses my lips so softly, just a small flick of his tongue, before he spins me around.
“Look around baby it’s all here.” I see it then, the bed I wanted. Black wrought iron with gold features, the linen, lights, candles, bathroom, it is everything I dreamed of. Looking out the double French doors, I see that it opens up to the deck with the claw foot bath, with the fire pit set up under it for baths under the stars.
“How did you do this?” I ask him with questions in my eyes. “You’re good inspiration baby and Pa and his builder friends helped,” looking down at him his eyes are so pure gray and beautiful, his hair is falling down out of his bun looking like a god, and he is all mine. I run my fingers over his jaw “How did I get so lucky to get you?” I whisper against his lips.
“We found each other when we needed it the most,” he offers back. Wrapping my legs around his waist and placing my hands on his shoulders, I just stare at this man that loves me faults and all. “I’m lucky too lucky, I’m so scared that they will take you away” I breathe into him. I can feel the fear in my own voice.
“Who baby?” I see the confusion in his eyes as he asks me. “Them, the monsters in my closet,” I tell him, my voice shaky.
“Never!” Holding me tighter he begins to walk down off the deck through the garden that we did before I got taken. Seeing it look so alive and untouched by the evil world brings happiness to my heart, knowing that we did this, we made that together with all that we love here. Looking back at the house that he has worked so hard to finish for me, for us, I am filled with hope. I want to be here all the time with him, in my safe haven.
“Close your eyes.” His voice, a sexy rasp, washes over me
“What?” I say startled out of my thoughts.
“Shut your eyes,” he says, a bit huskier this time, toying with him as I hold his face in my hands, looking into his eyes.
“Why?” He is looking at me all serious and hot. I giggle at him as a small barely there smile plays at his lips.
“You're cute when you’re trying to be serious,” I tease, kissing him.
“Blue please close your fucken eyes,” he pushes out.
“Fine if you insist.” Shutting my eyes, he takes a few more steps before stopping and placing me down on the ground. Standing there I feel a mixture of nerves and butterflies, I’m so defenceless when I’m with him. He just takes it all away, the dark, the demons, the whole lot washes away with him. He’s the only one that has been able to break in, break through the bricks I built around my soul. I feel the mid-afternoon, early evening air brush over my face. Then I feel something cold being placed around my wrist as Knox tells me to keep my eyes shut. All I want to do is peek at what’s hanging from my wrist. With anticipation rising in my belly, I curl my toes up inside my boots, waiting for him to say open, waiting and waiting. With each minute my heart beat gets louder in my ears, fire burns in my core. Holding my breath, I feel as though I will pass out.
Them those magical words come out of his sweet mouth.
“OPEN,” my eyes flutter open.
Blinking at the light and adjusting my sight from the dark to light, I look up to see the sun is starting to set over the New York’s Horizon. The view is so magical it’s just why I fall in love with this place. At first I was unsure of what I was meant to be looking at, then I remember the feel of something cool linked around my wrist. I take my eyes to my wrist and see the boxing glove charm that sits on my charm bracelet that Lilly gave me. Running it through my fingers tears well in my eyes I didn't even noticed that it had been gone, memories of night I got taken slips into my mind like a nasty snake sliding into me. I won’t let it, shaking this nasty flashback from my brain I look for Knox. I lock eyes with his gray pools, I could drown in them and not even know it was happening, he’s so addictive and shit he so is going to be my new drug of choice. I want to get lost in him forever. He’s kneeling on one knee before me pulling my hand into his. I look from him to our surroundings, we are at the edge of the property looking out over the skyline, there is a bench seat under the massive wisteria tree that I love so much sitting on it is a basket with wine and a plaque. Surrounding us is a massive love heart made out of white rose petals, my heart stops beating I’m sure of it, looking down into his eyes I search them for answers.
“Knox,” I ask shaking. How did I not notice all this? What the hell is going on?
“Breathe baby,” I see his lips moving.
“Oh right, shit,” laughing at me his eyes catch the glint from the fairy lights and my fucking body comes undone, he clears his throat.
“Baby, stay here with me forever. Let's walk with all our demons and forget about the dark, allow me to be your heaven and your light.” Tears are streaming down my face as I see his own start to pool in his eyes.
“I won’t allow you to fall. I’ll catch you each step of the way, we are one step closer to having it all baby. I loved you before I even met you, before I knew who you were, and the moment I looked into your eyes, I knew I had seen them before. The moment I first kissed your lips, I knew that I was home, you’re all I have ever wanted and more. I’ve seen the dark. I’ve seen the light, the scars, the secrets, the happy and the sad.” His voice breaks around his words as he tries to get through this without falling apart. My knees are knocking together, butterflies are swimming in my stomach, as all of my dreams edge that much closer. Looking into his eyes I nudge him to continue.
“You no longer need to hide, not with me, for baby I’ve seen it all. I’m a better man when I’m with you, so please take my hand and let’s walk this walk together, in each other’s corners forever, baby will you marry me?”
Knox
I finish my wicked speech that I’ve been mulling over for endless nights watching her sleep. My heart is beating out of my chest, I look into her eyes as my body shakes like shit, waiting for her to answer me. All the worse senoras weaving through my mind, if she says no I’ll wait and try again she will cave one day, I couldn’t image life without her. I won’t even allow it. She’s mine, she always has been, the minute her moss green eyes looked into mine and her lips touched mine. No one else ever will have her, and I am not sorry about it.
Blue
“I have died a thousand times waiting for someone like you to walk into my life, an angel brang you to me, in my darkest times, and you stayed, you fought, you loved, you seen past my attitude, my walls, my tears, screams and drama. You stayed no matter what got thrown your way. I am one step closer to falling to the edge of the darkest abyss and you’re there always. You’re the sunlight in the shadows, you’re the reason to my doubt, the good to my evil, you dance with my demons and they don’t scare you, you love me flaws, scars and all so yes, yes you crazy ass man I’ll marry you. I’ll be in your corner forever, I’ll fight this battle known as life with you always, but I need to tell you just what the lady in red is, but not here, not now. I want to just dance in this dream that seems to be coming true with you, with this in our own piece of heaven.”
He pulls me down to him I willingly fall into his strong arms, his scent washes over me as he wipes the tears from my cheek with the pad of his thumb. I do the same to his catching the tear that runs down from his eye with my index finger. Bringing his face into my hands I mouth a quiet but very there, “I love you so much,” he says it right back at me like a mirror. All of a sudden, we a getting showered in the softest white feathers. She has finally shredded her pure white her feathers. Now they are the most amazing gold mixed with black. Looking up I see a smile upon her face sitting on the edge of the moon. Knox is looking to where my eyes are puzzled. I know he can no longer see her. They both had to let go to save her, it’s her time now. She has to try and make it alone in a realm where she is so lost and alone, my heart fractures a little for her after all she has done. She was the voice in the dark keeping me stronger, because she avowed herself to pull me up.
“You know what,” I say to them both. “I thought that I could do this all alone, but I was wrong I kept falling down and crying out to no one at all, but you were there. I never wanted you there, I wanted to play tough like I had it all sorted, but you knew I didn’t and it was your love that lifted me up out of that hell. It was your eyes that pulled me back when the fear came in strong, and I had to break down because baby even Superwoman sometimes need Superman's soul.” Pulling his face into mine I look into my man eyes. “It’s your love that lifts me up like helium, always before I hit the ground. I never have to come down with you around.” Resting my head on his shoulder I wink up at Sarah-Jane her white lace and wings slowly dispersing.
“I’ve got this” I whisper out to her and then just like leaves on the wind, she has floated away forever. She will live in his heart and memory, but now it’s up to me to love him with all I have, demons and all. Falling back with me in his arms, kissing me long and hard, our tears mix with the sweetness of our kiss. The sun sets, turning the sky to a beautiful deep blood orange. I look up to the wisteria just as the tiny little fairy lights turn on.
“What the hell” I say shocked, looking at him chuckling. “Magic baby. Man of many talents, remember.” Winking he sits up placing me on the grass, as he stands he offers me his hand to pull me up and onto the bench seat. He opens the champagne as I notice the plaque,
In the sweetest memory of the ones that gave us so much to remember.
For their love, will never die as long as we allow them to walk with us.
Forever will they be alive in the night’s sky, the sun’s rays, the wind’s whisper and most of all our hearts.
With love, be free xo
By this stage I’m a mess crying and snotting all over the show, passing me a napkin, I realize he really has thought of it all. Leaning back into his arms, they wrap around my shoulder. He passes me my glass of champagne and I sip it peacefully looking out over the night coming alive below us. I know that all of our loved ones are watching us, happy that we are on the road to our own happiness. A peacefulness I haven’t felt in ages washes over me, and I know everything is going to be all right in time.
“Baby you have made me the happiest man alive, please don’t ever lock yourself away or leave me it’s too hard when you’re not there.” He pleads. Running my fingers in circles over his thigh I nuzzle back into him. “Thank you for wanting me,” I breathe out worried that he still may wanna run.
“There is never any question or doubt in how much I want you Blue, you’re the air in my lungs, the beat in my heart. Life would not be worth watching another sunset without you in it,” his voice is raspy and hot as it grits out over the truth in his words.
“You are too good for a soul as damaged as mine. I sure as shit won the lottery with you haven’t I. Be warned I am never letting you go.” He pokes me in the ribs and I flinch as I move fast from the shock.
“Shit sorry baby,” his voice is laced in sadness and hurt that he has pained me.
“It’s ok baby,” standing I pull him to me.
“Before we go dance with me.” I ask. He takes my hand bringing it to his lips, he then whispers, “of course, I will for now and always. I will never let our fire burn out I’ll always take you to the edge of our love and back again I shall never not want you.”