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La Luna was full the next night, but I knew there would be a private room that was held every week for Judge and his entourage. I scratched at the nape of my neck after I parked in the lot. Finn watched me hesitate, and spoke to me even after I’d explained the very firm “don’t speak at all” rule. “I get the feeling we shouldn’t be doing whatever it is you’re about to do.”
“What are my rules?”
Finn ticked them off on his fingers. “No talking. No stabbing anyone. I know, I know. It’s your show. Is Ezra going to be mad to find you here?”
“Ezra won’t know about this. Mason and Von came with me here before, and it was all fine.” I didn’t tell Finn that Mason would in no way be cool with me meeting up with Judge ever again. But Mason wasn’t here, so I got to call the shots.
We walked in together, Finn’s hand on the small of my back. I mentally repeated Ollie’s mantra of keep your chin up, take it slow. I clutched the package and kept my gaze forward, though my descending pride tempted my head to tilt downward. We were escorted to Judge’s table in the secluded backroom, and I was glad to see Darius all cleaned up from working with Ollie to help rebuild our home. He was nothing as impressive as Judge, but not many were. The two wore pressed collared shirts and dress pants, like the Kingpin and Junior they marketed themselves as. I was surprised I hadn’t interrupted a meeting with the assorted unnamed criminals they usually dined with. “Good evening, gentleman,” I greeted them, hoping I came off as confident.
But I wasn’t confident, and I knew Judge could smell an easy takedown a mile away.
Darius stood to greet me with a kiss to my cheek, and then snapped his fingers to the hostess to bring a chair for me. Finn stood behind me, as the sentries always did. He was a guard, and nothing more than that for this exchange. Big Mike moved toward Finn to pat him down, but I saved him the trouble. “He’s carrying a knife, and you’ll let him have it. He wouldn’t come in with nothing. I tried, believe me. He’s my security, Michael.”
Big Mike frowned, but when Judge waved his hand to permit it, Mike stepped back behind Judge’s chair.
Judge sat back in his seat, his ankle crossed over his knee as he watched me set the package on the table. “What do we have here? You’re not returning another one of my gifts, are you?”
“I am, though only because it’s a baby gift, and I’m not pregnant anymore. Didn’t seem right to keep it. If my daughter had made it, I would’ve sent you a thank you card and kept the gift. But she didn’t, so it’s not right of me to keep the presents. Thank you, though. I can’t actually picture you at a store picking out a breast pump.”
“I had Sherita pick it out. You didn’t have to return it, though, and certainly not in person.” Judge’s jaw was tight as he took in the scope of me. “I see your new job isn’t any safer than your old one. What happened?”
“Oh, you know, flying monkeys came in through my window and attacked me. Lost the baby. Just another day.”
He pointed to his eye. “That shiner’s fresh. Who did it? I hope it’s not the clown who put that obnoxious ring on your finger.” Judge glowered disapprovingly at my engagement ring.
“It’s no one you need to worry about.”
Judge’s tone was firm. “You’ll answer me, October.”
I stiffened in my chair, eyeing the red wine the waitress poured for me. I knew it would be my favorite kind. Judge didn’t bother with flaws, so his taste in wine was always spot on. “It was your drug dealers who blacked my eye. All of them, in fact. You should punish them by firing your entire organization.”
Judge squinted one eye at my sass. “I want a name.”
“Charles Manson. Wild in bed, that one. Sex maniacs have all the good drugs.”
“Seriously, baby girl. Tell me who knocked you around.”
“My pimp, actually. Johnny McHerpes-Penis. He’s got a thing for mouthy women. When he hits me, I know it’s true love. I call him ‘No! Johnny, please!’ and his pet name for me is ‘Shut up, skank’. Ah, young love.”
Judge’s eyes flared with barely contained rage. “Tell me who was stupid enough to hit you, before I lose my temper.”
“Get used to disappointment. I’m not here to talk about the problems I can handle. I’m here to talk about the one I can’t.”
He folded his fingers over his stomach after he waved the waitress away. He waited until the door closed before he proceeded. “Tell me which problem is so big, you’d come here to talk about it.”
I lowered my voice and scooted my chair in, though I could still feel Finn at my back. “It’s Allie,” I began, noting Darius’ intake of breath. “Allie didn’t leave for California a couple years ago, she was taken. We only just found her as a Jane Doe who’s been laid up in a hospital all this time.”
Darius swore, leaning forward and forsaking his stoic cool guy demeanor. “Which hospital? Where is she now?”
“She’s in a coma at St. Martin’s General just a little ways from here. Ollie got her transferred out of California as soon as we found her.”
Darius leaned back in his chair, his hand over his mouth in shock. Once upon a better time, he’d been smitten with Allie. It had broken his jaded heart when she up and left us all. “Whatever you need, it’s done. Medical bills? Is that what you need help with? Give her some cash, Judge. I mean it. Whatever it takes. Can I visit her?”
I chewed on my lower lip to keep it from quivering. “You loved her. I always suspected you did.”
Darius didn’t answer, but I saw it there. That bold determination to bust through walls and tear down whole worlds if it would make Allie breathe a little easier. “What are the doctors saying?”
I drew on what I knew from Philip’s confessions. “She was raped. I don’t know how often. She got pregnant, but lost the baby, like me. The guy who... he messed her up. She’s got brainwaves, but her mind can’t connect with her body. There’s hope, but not much.”
Darius’ hand on his mouth stifled a noise of distress. “Who is this guy?” When I didn’t answer, he stood, towering over me with his knuckles on the table. “Don’t you dare play games with me, Bait. I want a name! I want an address, and I want his head on a platter!”
I don’t recall Darius ever yelling at me before. It was a testament to how much he cared for Allie that he would raise his voice to me to get closer to her.
Finn’s hand on my shoulder acted as a pillar for me to lean on if I needed it, but it also served as a beacon to Darius that nobody was allowed to yell at me.
I swallowed, patting Finn’s hand on my shoulder. “I only just found my sister, Darius. Don’t you think if I knew who or where this guy was, he wouldn’t already be six feet under? Everything I know is from the medical reports.” Yes, that was a lie, but I couldn’t very well tell Darius about Sama without him checking me into the Loony Bin. “Allie’s the only one who can tell us who did this, but she’s stuck in her coma.”
Darius sunk back down, his hands shaking with rage and heartbreak. “All this time?”
I nodded, my face stony. “All this time.”
Judge was still sitting back in his chair, watching me with feigned stoicism. “Why did you come here?” he asked quietly, and with no trace of anger. He knew that the only thing that could make me toss my rules and my pride out the window was my family.
I didn’t think I could feel any lower, but as I sat at the table with the brothers, I felt a whole other layer of degradation weighing me down. “I’m here because I need a favor. The flying monkeys who messed me up? Well, they’re pretty ruthless. I’m not the safest person to be around, but I can’t sleep knowing Allie’s alone in the hospital. To be honest, it’s only a matter of time before the people who are after me start gunning for her.” I closed my eyes to stave off the mental image of the miscellaneous residents of Terraway who operate on Sama’s orders coming for Allie. What would they do to her body? I swallowed down my anxiety. “Ollie and I are doing our best, but we were doing our best to keep my daughter safe, and we f-failed.” I froze, horrified that I might cry in front of Judge. I waited until I could stuff my emotions back down before opening my mouth again. I balled my toes inside my shoes until I felt the avalanche of tears recede. “If you could spare a couple guys to watch her room for us, that would be a tremendous help. You don’t have to, of course. I just didn’t know who else to turn to. I’m sort of running out of people who I know can get the job done.”
I shook my head, my chin still pointing toward the ground in defeat. I couldn’t believe it had come to this – that I was here, asking Judge for help. The sudden stripping of my pride made me feel bereft of dignity. I felt as if the people outside our private backroom, clinking their water goblets and shuffling their truffle-laden, rich people food with gold forks, could see that I’d lost everything. I felt naked, and very much aware of my imperfections.
My voice was small, and I felt diminished along with it. “I can’t fail this time. I already lost my daughter to these guys. I can’t lose Allie, Judge. Whatever you want, I’ll do it. I can deliver messages to your guys on the inside, if that’s what you need. I don’t care anymore. I just need my sister to be safe.”
Darius waved off my offer and pulled out his phone. “It’s done. You don’t owe us anything.” His eyes turned threatening as he cut over to his older brother. “Not a thing. You shouldn’t hesitate to come to us with this stuff. You’ve got enough to worry about. You’ll stay with one of us.” He held up his hand to stave off my protest. “I don’t want to hear it. You were attacked, lost your daughter, and now Allie’s in a coma? No.” When I started to speak, Darius barked at me. “I saw your house, Bait! I saw your bedroom, and the massacre that happened there. There was blood everywhere! I can’t believe you survived!”
My head darted to the side, hoping the red walls were decently soundproofed. “Will you stop shouting ‘blood’? I get that I’m in deep, but it’s too late for me. I’m in it.” I was an Omen now; Terraway had me until my body decided I couldn’t keep up with this life anymore. Then I’d move onto the next life, where I could be a high-stakes bank robber, with Bruce Campbell as my sidekick. Good old Bruce wouldn’t mind that I’d been super damaged. He’d have faith in me. He’d look into my soul and call me “sweetheart”, and somehow the blackness that had set in deep would remember the sweetness I’d long given up on.
“What is ‘it’? What game are you in that we don’t know about?” Darius’ eyes drifted up to Finn with a silent threat.
I hung my head. “I need help watching Allie. That’s all. I came here because I know you won’t take chances with her safety.”
Judge was silent. Too silent. He watched me debase myself, offering up my services and what was left of my pride to save my sister. He watched me while I wrote down Allie’s hospital room number and slid it over to Darius, who didn’t waste a second. He made a single phone call that absconded with thirty percent of the stress in my life. “Thank you, Darius. Truly. I didn’t know where else to go.”
“You should always come to me with this stuff. I’ll go see Allie tomorrow first thing, and in the next half hour, there’ll be guys posted there around the clock until she wakes up. I don’t care how long it takes.”
I gusted out my relief. “Thank you. That’s all I needed.” I took a drink of my wine before gearing up for the big blow. “So, what’s this going to cost me?”
Darius waved off my assumption that they only did favors to get favors, but I knew better.
Judge drew a circle on the white linen tablecloth with his dark brown finger. “You’ll let my men put a tracker on your car, and you’ll keep it there until I say so. I’ll send you a phone tomorrow that you’ll use instead of the one you have now.”
I nodded, taking my punishment without a fight. I knew Judge. I knew him before he was the great man on a throne. I knew him when his mama taught me how to make applesauce in her kitchen. I knew him when I’d caught him washing blood off his hands with the garden hose behind his house. He’d been a teenager back then, and I was barely five. “You told me it was paint,” I said quietly, finally meeting Judge’s penetrating stare.
Judge quirked an eyebrow at me, letting me know my comment had caught him off-guard. “What was paint?”
“When I saw you washing the blood off your hands behind Mama McCray’s house. You told me to go back inside with Darius and Ollie. You told me you’d spilled red paint. I knew what it was, but I never told anyone.” I held his gaze, unable to hide my sadness. “Maybe I should’ve.”
“It wouldn’t have changed anything. And I told you that to protect you, not so you’d end up here with a black eye.” His jaw tightened every time his gaze fell on my shiner.
I hugged my middle, forlorn and completely without the pride that I’d needed so badly before this moment. “I’ve spilled a lot of paint lately. Don’t bring more of it to my doorstep. I’m begging you.”
Judge stood slowly, and with too much menace. “You’re begging me?”
I paused at the acrid medicine that I wanted to resist. I had no choice but to swallow it down with a wince. “Yes, Judge.”
“Are you a beggar now? That’s who you’ve become?” He held my gaze as he motioned for me to move toward the back exit with him. Darius remained in his seat, turning his head from me.
I knew that exit let out into the alley. That was Judge’s alley, and there was red paint all over it from years of taking too many meetings exactly like this one. I swallowed hard and followed him, my head down and my shoulders tight. Judge wouldn’t hurt me, I told myself, forcing truth into my fear. I don’t know why my hands were clammy. I don’t know why my legs were trembling as I looked down at my shoes when we made it out into the crisp night air. I saw cars breaking the speed limit on the street at the end of the long alley. The drivers spent a good few seconds honking at each other to fight over who could be the biggest jackwagon on the road. The brick buildings that sandwiched us in made me feel claustrophobic. I could smell urine, and there were several fresh blood stains on the concrete.
Finn stood beside me, keeping silent, but making it clear that no one was going to hoist my lifeless body into the dumpster on his watch. It’s a good friend who doesn’t let you get thrown away. Big Mike stood behind Judge, waiting for the command to let loose on me.
I shifted hesitantly as I stood before Judge, hugging my middle and trying to simply stand under his intense brand of scrutiny. He’d always been able to see through my raised chin and forced confidence, so I didn’t feel the need to put on the show of bravery this time.
Finn hissed when Judge tucked his finger under my chin and lifted it so he could see my shame under the solitary light of the moon. His dark eyes were hard, angry and menacing. His voice was low, and he spoke through gritted teeth. “I don’t ever want to hear you beg for anything ever again. Do you understand? You’ll break what’s left of me. I raised you better than begging.” He kissed my cheek and brought me into his embrace. Judge was tall, solid and hugged exactly as one might expect – like a man who didn’t do it often. He didn’t use to be this unpracticed at it; his arms used to be my safe place. One by one, life had ripped my safe places away, until I barely recognized the bones of a structure that used to feel like home.
“What is this? What’s happening?” I asked, confused and rigid.
Finn stiffened, his hand on my shoulder to rip me away if the need arose.
Judge snarled at Finn, but kept his voice low to me. “This is a hug, and it’s all that’s keeping me from yelling at you, and turning your friend’s hand into an ashtray.” It took him a solid four seconds after Finn removed his hand from me before the embrace softened into something tender. The familiar motion of holding me came back to him the longer he permitted himself the indulgence. “The trackers are so I know where you’re at. I saw your house. You were attacked, lost a baby, and you’re still getting knocked around. The trackers are because I love you. If things had been different... You were a sister to me before things started changing in my neighborhood. I turned you guys away that last time Ollie brought you by because it was too dangerous for you to come to my street anymore. The trailer next to ours had been lit up in a drive-by the night before. All I could see was your little body splayed out on the concrete. I knew I couldn’t let you come back.” He shook his head, as if he was trying to clear his imagination of the mental picture that still haunted him. “I’ve always been looking out for you. You just stopped learning how to let me.”
I remembered that last day we visited the McCray house. It was burned in my mind as the last time I’d been able to see Mama McCray. Judge had told Ollie to get lost, that there was no more food for housework available, and that if he saw us again on his property, he’d make sure no one saw me ever again. I couldn’t help the confusion in my eyes that shone up into his. “I didn’t understand how you could let us starve like that. I still don’t.”
The catch in his voice tripped up his usually stoic deportment. “You should know me better by now. There’s always more to me than what I say. I sent you away because you’re precious to me.” He kissed my forehead, and I could feel the regret and emotional turmoil that still wrecked him.
My hand climbed up between us so I could hold onto his crisp, unwrinkled shirt, keeping him close before he inevitably pushed me away again. The information swirled around in my psyche, spinning my worldview on its end, and painting Judge in a less damning light. It wasn’t quite a halo that beamed on his brow now, but it was a degree of difference I desperately needed. Part of me probably could’ve worked out his true intentions, but the hurt rang deeper than reason could reach. “You should’ve told me the truth, Judge. You broke my heart.”
I could feel Finn’s penetrating glare. It was as if he was dissecting how Judge got me to admit I had a heart, and then got close enough to break it, while still managing a hug out of the deal. I had no answers for him; Judge and I made little sense to anyone, least of all me.
“I had to push you out, baby girl. Just like how you’re breaking my heart now, giving me the bare minimum information. You’re keeping me away from whatever danger you’re up against, because you love me. No matter how much you hate me, you’re trying to protect my family by keeping us at arm’s length.” He held tight to my hand, placing an earnest kiss to my knuckles. “You don’t have to do that for me, baby girl.”
I gazed up into his midnight eyes that always seemed to see right through me. “I’m scared,” I admitted in a whisper. “I’m trying to fix it all, but it keeps breaking the more I touch it. Everything I love gets broken.”
Judge leaned down and pressed his cheek to mine, and I could hear the vulnerable pang of emotion in his lengthy inhale. His free hand rubbed my back to warm the parts of me that had grown cold over time. He cleared his throat when a car alarm went off down the street. “The phone’s so you can call me if there’s too much red paint, and you don’t know what to do.”
I was confused that he wasn’t lording his newfound power over me. “Be real with me, Judge. What do you want for this? I’d rather know now.”
Judge swayed gently, rocking me slowly from side to side as he pondered. The cars cruising by on the street at the end of the alley didn’t notice my heart thudding, but it felt like the organ rattled around in my chest with all the subtlety of a gong. Judge’s embrace invoked nostalgia that was painful; I tried never to remember how much I’d once trusted him; how much I’d adored Judge back when I was a child who didn’t know any better. “You used to dance while standing on my toes. You probably don’t remember that, but I do. You wanted to learn how to ‘waltz and mango’. Took me forever to learn the waltz and the tango, but Allie taught me the basics enough to dance with you. Patience of a saint, that girl.”
A soft smile played on my lips. “‘Waltz and mango’? Dang, I don’t know how you ever said no to me. That’s adorable.”
“It was.” He surprised me when his body straightened, his shoulders rolled back, and he held my arm out to the side. Without knowing how, I fell into a slow, three-count box step when his right foot moved with purpose. I glided back when Judge stepped forward, and parried with his steps without having to look down. His grin was wide when he took in my stunned expression. Something inside of me knew how to dance, as if my heart had suppressed a memory my muscles still clung to. “See? Part of you remembers. From day one, you had me dancing like a fool, just to make sure you smiled. It kills me to see all my hard work flushed down the drain. You don’t look like you’ve been happy in a while.”
Finn cleared his throat, bringing me back to the present from my haze of childhood bliss. “Let’s wrap this up, October.”
I lost my footing, and stopped the dance. I expected Judge to release me from the hold, but he fell back into the soothing hug I didn’t want to admit I still needed. He drew my head to his chest, proving beyond a shadow of a doubt that he did still have a heart, jaded as it now was. His voice was quiet, but had that steady power to it that warned me not to argue. “I want you to call me every time you go back to the prison. If you’re going there, you’ll deliver messages for me, and you’ll do it without a fight until Allie wakes up.”
I swallowed the bitter pill. “Okay. If I’m already going there, sure.”
“Second on the list is that if we need a nurse, you’ll come when we call.”
Finn shook his head. “No. You negotiate one favor for one favor, not an endless litany of requests.”
I stiffened in Judge’s arms. “I can help you and Darius, sure. And of course, Terence, once he gets paroled. But I have no interest in cleaning your victims up so you can drag out the fun. Not enough gauze in the world for the sadist I know you are.”
The corner of Judge’s mouth lifted. “See that? You’re being stubborn again. I thought I’d lost you forever.”
I shrugged. “I guess I’m still in here. Good to know. It’s been a long one.”
“The most I’ve ever enjoyed fighting with anyone’s been with you. Watching you surrender like that? That’s not the scrappy little kid in pigtails I knew. If you need help, we can help. But I don’t have the stomach to watch you beg for anything ever again. I’ve seen what happens to people who waste their time begging instead of planning.” He clutched me tight to his firm chest. Though he seemed in control of the situation, I could feel his quickened heartbeat. I couldn’t trust his words, but his heart? Judge was scared for me. Judge didn’t do scared, but he bent his armor for me. He looked down on me with a tightened jaw. “Promise me. No more begging.”
My face tilted upward to look into his dark, foreboding eyes. “The next time I need help, I won’t beg. I’ll hold your head underwater until you give me what I want, like the good little girl you love.”
Judge laughed, and the levity finally touched his eyes. “That’s my girl, right there. You’re right. I do love you.”
Judge kissed my good cheek and then gripped me so tight, it squashed the air from my lungs. I yelped when he gave my bruised eye several hard flicks. Pain ricocheted through my face, and I panicked when I found I couldn’t get away from it. His backhand didn’t have space for a windup, but the smack stung me on too many levels when his knuckles cracked across my purple cheekbone. I cried out in confusion and pain, wondering how I’d gotten so comfortable in the viper’s arms.
Finn could only be expected to be decoration for so long. He ripped me out of Judge’s embrace, drawing his knife as he put himself between us. “And now you die.”
Big Mike drew his gun, and I knew no good would come from this. I held up my hand to still Finn’s temper, my fingers touching his fingers over the hilt of his blade. “No, Finn! I’ve got this under control. Please.”
Finn glowered down at me. “Clearly. Wrap this up, before I lose my patience. You stand right next to me, and don’t take a step closer. He touches you again, he loses a hand.”
With angry swipes, I rubbed my face as I turned to Judge. “Ow! What’d you do that for? That hurt me, you jag!”
Judge reached for his gun to fend off Finn’s temper. I inched between the two alphas, hoping for the best when Big Mike finally lowered his gun on Judge’s command. Judge held his weapon at his side, but I knew he could aim and fire without warning. His voice was clear, and not apologetic, as I thought he should be. “Whatever you’re a part of that’s wrecking your life? You should get out now. Remember that sting from me smacking your eye, and get as far away from it as you can. Anything that bangs you up, run the other way.”
I scowled at him. “That’s not the advice you’d give Darius. You only bring him closer to the danger.”
Judge shrugged, letting me know that he didn’t need to explain himself any further. “Goodnight, baby girl. I’ll be in touch.”