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I’m not sure how long it was that we walked through the frozen woods. I trusted the others to lead the way, since my brain had taken a vacation. Danny had stopped lecturing me I’m not sure how long ago, realizing that I didn’t stand a chance of basic comprehension. I’d helped to murder a little boy. I didn’t know what sort of redemption had been in store for me previously, but I knew none existed anymore. I didn’t even want my deep cut tended to, such was the state of numbness that descended on me, weighting my shoulders and dragging my feet. I’d killed Bobby Brady, and now I was dead inside.
I wasn’t paying attention to anything, which was why I didn’t even blink when Ruiz walked right into one of Mason’s traps. The three trees formed Y-shapes near each other in a triangle, which was where Mason liked to lay his snares. The net scooped up our man in the lead, suspending him fifteen feet above us with a cry of surprise.
Surprise, not pain. The guys spent the next few minutes assessing Ruiz to make sure he wasn’t hurt, but I already knew he was fine. Mason tried his best to make humane traps, in case family members came to Sombi looking for their loved ones. While the guys went back and forth on the best way to get Ruiz down, I started climbing up the trunk. I actually made it halfway up the towering tree before they noticed I was already working on getting Ruiz down.
“Be careful!” Danny called to me, reaching for my feet to offer stability if I needed it.
When my knee scraped against the bark of the tree, I heard Von groan. “If you could try not to cut yourself, I’d be appreciative. You’re walking around with a succulent feast smeared all over your glorious breasts. Adding more blood to the mix isn’t helping me not devour you whole, yeah?”
“Oh, right. Sorry. You holding up okay?” I asked, perching on a sturdy branch and sawing at the rope that held Ruiz in place. My gloves were necessary, but problematic when it came to doing a speedy job.
“No,” Von admitted. He’d maintained a healthy distance from me since the toddler-murdering incident. I think it was dawning on him that abstaining from blood altogether wasn’t the way to go. “If you could try to be less delicious, that would help. Perhaps you should start bathing in water with rotting fish heads.”
“I’ll make a note of it. Ruiz, can you reach through the netting and hold onto the branch? I’ve almost got you free, but I don’t want you to hurt yourself on the fall.”
“I think so. Give me a second.” Ruiz worked his fists through the netting over his head and grabbed onto the branch, giving me a nod when he was secure. I chopped through the rope with a final slice, grateful that Ruiz didn’t crash to the forest floor and break his leg or something. Klark and Lang caught Ruiz with minimal bumps, while I tried to assess how I’d get myself down.
“Just jump down,” Klark offered. “I’ll catch you.”
It was a tribute to how much blood had soaked through my jacket that Von did not offer to catch me, but kept a healthy distance so he didn’t, you know, murder me. He was good like that. I gazed at the ground below, assessing how and where would be best to fall. Though I’d encouraged Ruiz to do the same thing, I was having trouble putting my trust in Klark or Lang to make sure I didn’t break anything. They were capable, I’m sure; I was just being a giant chicken.
I suddenly realized how high up off the ground I was, and how small everyone looked. I felt the sting on my breast and on my palm. The pain of everything started flooding me, weakening my right arm and making me nervous as to how the crap I was going to get down.
Danny met my eyes and raised his hands. “I’m right here,” he assured me. Danny wasn’t normally one for reassurances. He wasn’t the one to care much about what scared me or didn’t. He wasn’t my Reaper, but somehow even in the dark that was lit only by Lang’s fingers and the moon that filtered in through the evergreens and redwoods, I could see that Danny was trying to be kind. He could sense my nerves that were starting to creep in over my shoulder at being so high up off the ground, and wasn’t bothered that he had to help me.
I closed and pocketed the balisong blade, and then climbed down onto a lower branch. I met his eyes with a look that told him I didn’t want to give my fear a voice, but that it was very much there. Oh, it was there.
Danny nodded, seeming to understand everything I wanted to say, but couldn’t and wouldn’t. “I won’t let you get hurt,” he promised.
My hands shook as I lowered myself down to hang off the branch, my feet still far out of Danny’s reach. Lang stood across from Danny, his good arm outstretched to offer his couple of superior inches to help. I dangled for too many seconds, afraid to let go, even though I had no other option.
I’d had to let go of so much in life. I’d looked the other way when Bev didn’t want me. I’d let Allie go to California, and Ollie to New York. I’d let the countless crass comments about my body ricochet off me when the inmates were bored and wanted to mouth off. Now here I was again, clinging to something I couldn’t let go of, but knew I would have to if I wanted to move forward.
There were some days I was tired of forward. As I hung off the branch, I realized I wanted a whole lifetime of Bruce Campbell movies, naps and blissful stagnation. I wanted to rest, not move on to the next thing that would surely test me, and that I might never be ready for.
I couldn’t hear Danny or Lang shouting their encouragements to me. It was Von’s voice that finally broke through the panic that was quickly mutating into an inability to move. “Close your eyes, Peach. Listen to my voice. Don’t think about anything else.”
I let out a whine of distress as my fingers started punking out. “I don’t want to be here!”
Von was mature and spared me the “I told you so” I knew I deserved. “Where do you want to be?”
I closed my eyes and tried to picture myself somewhere safe. My house, though lovely with the remodel, didn’t feel like that place anymore. I didn’t exactly feel unsafe there, but it wasn’t the haven it once was. Like me, it had been through too much. We were still standing, but only just. I tried to think of somewhere I wanted to be, but all I could think of were all the places I didn’t want to have to travel to anymore. “Somewhere safe. Somewhere with a bed and books and the Brady Bunch. Somewhere no one can find us. Somewhere I can eat soup and drink hot chocolate and not be attacked.”
I couldn’t see Von, but I heard the small smile in his voice. “I know just the place. Let go, and I’ll take you there when we get back.”
“I can’t!” I knew my body was about to let go for me, whether or not I was ready. That’s the thing about life; it has a way of pushing you forward, ambivalent of the care it takes to pick yourself up after a crash. It doesn’t care about your struggle – gravity is gravity, and can’t be reasoned with.
Von’s voice was warm, and I longed to be near the sound that comforted and cradled me, even though I was so far from it. “Those are two words I never thought I’d hear you say. My wife can do anything.”
With a final gulp and a prayer, I let my fingers say their final goodbye to the tree branch, slipping and letting gravity win, as I knew it inevitably would.