The first time Jean had been to visit Paul was one of the most difficult and emotionally draining days of her life. To see her son behind prison walls was devastating. He was allowed visitors for half an hour every Saturday.
On her first visit, she was shocked by the security procedures and searches she had to go through just to see him. She had only ever seen this sort of thing on TV. She watched as other people went through the screening rituals, like it was so normal to them. It seemed like water off a duck’s back to some of them, but it dawned on her that maybe they had been coming here for years. Once she was led inside, it was like another world entirely. Life, albeit of a different kind, still carried on behind the old stone walls.
She had been shown to a small table where she waited for him to appear. As she looked around the room, she saw women with small children running around their feet, there were older people visiting adult children, people of all ages and all types. One particularly well-dressed lady caught her eye. She was dressed immaculately in a full-length fur coat and jewels that you just knew cost obscene money. A man of a similar age was led in to meet her and she wondered what their story might be.
Eventually she saw Paul being led into the room by an officer. Her heart lurched and yet again she wondered how had she let everything go so wrong that her son had ended up here? She felt the tears filling her eyes but she forced them back. She needed to be strong for him. After all, he was the one having to spend his time locked up here; she could still go home to her comforts, to freedom. The case had yet to go before the court so they still didn’t know how long his sentence would be but she knew that the judge would look upon it severely, a hit-and-run would never be shown any leniency.
“Hi there,” she said, her voice shaky as she forced herself to act as normally as she could for Paul’s sake.
“Hi, Mam.” He looked up at her with those large blue eyes that made her melt when he was a baby. For the first time in years there was no anger in them.
“So how are you getting on?”
“I’m having a real laugh.” Although he was sarcastic, he was smiling at her.
“Are they feeding you okay, looking after you okay?”
“It’s all grand – except obviously I can’t leave, but there are a few lads the same age, so we hang out together.”
“Well, that’s good, love.” Jean tried to hide her doubt and anxiety. Of course she wanted him to have friends but not the same sort of friends that he had on the outside. How would he ever break the cycle if he kept on meeting the same sorts?
“Look – I’m sorry, I really am,” she said.
“I know, but what could you do? I’m not angry.”
He was being civil, acting like an adult, and it felt strange to her. Strange and good.
They chatted until a guard came up and told them they had only five minutes left so it was time to start wrapping it up. Jean couldn’t believe the visit was nearly over already.
“Chloe and Kyle said hi. And Nana, Granddad and Auntie Louise.”
She didn’t want to bring the twins to visit him, she didn’t want them to see the bleak inside of a prison, she wanted them to stay as carefree and innocent as they could be in the circumstances.
He said nothing.
They chatted generally until a guard came up again and told them their time was up.
“Okay, well I’ll see you next week, yeah?” Her voice quivered.
“Thanks, Mam.”
She could see tears in his eyes. He wasn’t the big macho man full of bravado that he pretended to be, he looked vulnerable instead. She leant forward and wrapped him in her arms, his head pulled in tight against her chest. She wished she could keep him there. Soon though he was being pulled away from her.
“I’d better go, Mam.”
“I love you,” she mouthed at him, before convulsing into tears.
She had gone home and fallen to pieces. She knew she had no right to grieve in comparison to the family that had lost their baby but in some ways she couldn’t help but think that she had lost her son too. Yes, he was physically present in the world, but thirty minutes a week across a table supervised by guards for God only knew how many years was hardly a great way to see your son. And he was still so young; it was all such a waste. What if she had done things differently? If she had acted sooner or stood up to him earlier, might things have been different? She knew he would never be the same again, how could he be after spending time in a place like this? She knew he would emerge, with that exterior people seemed to have when they came out of prison, as if they were now hardened to the world.
Her family had rallied around ever since she had phoned them to say that Paul had been arrested for his involvement in the hit-and-run. They had been stunned and equally devastated by the news. Although he had been out of control over the last few years, they knew the real Paul underneath: the smiling baby, the good-natured child. They also found it hard to accept that this was his fate and they couldn’t do anything to help him now. They blamed themselves for not acting sooner. Louise had said that if she had known that Jean was saving up to move out of the council estate, she would have just given her the money. But there were so many ‘if onlys’. Jean tormented herself with them, but they had to accept that hindsight wouldn’t help any of them.
They had insisted there and then in giving her the money to rent a house in the town and to get the hell out of the estate. They knew it wasn’t the solution to Jean’s problems but, if it prevented the twins from going down the same route as Paul, it would be worth it.
Jean was relieved to finally be able to leave behind the estate so full of bad memories. Every time she looked out the window at the graffiti, the gangs of teenagers younger than Paul, starting out on the same road that he had gone down, she feared that might happen to Chloe and Kyle too. They were at an impressionable age and she knew she had just a year or two before they would want to be hanging out with their peers.
She was looking forward to the fresh start in their new home; they all needed it after everything they had been through.
It was emotional boxing up all of Paul’s clothes and belongings and wondering when he would get to use them again. She would come across family photos of him that she hadn’t seen in years and his smiling innocent face would tear her apart. There were a few from his eighth birthday party with big gappy teeth and freckled cheeks as he blew out the candles on his cake. She was glad she had happy memories though; glad she didn’t know then all the pain that lay ahead for them.
On the day of the move Rita from next door had come over with a small present and some sweets for the twins, saying that she’d miss seeing them both about the place. Jean promised her she would keep in touch and that they would call in to see her frequently and take her to see their new home. Rita had been so good to her over the years.
The new house was a world away from the house with the leaking windows that were always full of condensation running down the insides. It had all the mod-cons like a dishwasher and a tumble-dryer, luxuries she could only have dreamed about before, but Louise had insisted that they pay the bit extra and have somewhere decent for her and the twins to live. The twins each had their own bedroom for the first time in their lives and she even had an en-suite bathroom with an electric shower. She had to swallow back when she thought about Paul and that he didn’t have a room here. The house was closer too to the twins’ school; they would now be able to walk every day instead of having to get the bus. There was also a good secondary school nearby.
Although Jean was grateful to her family for all they had done for her, she still wanted to be able to pay her own way so she was back looking for a job. She was lucky that she had a lot of experience from her last job, plus they had given her a good reference, which she supposed she ought to be grateful for under the circumstances. She had a few interviews lined up, all with local firms so she prayed she would get one of them. She knew she had to keep busy, it was the best thing she could do. Although the last couple of months had definitely been the toughest of her life so far and her heart had been broken in two, she could see a glimmer of light again.