January, 2011
From the kitchen Emma heard the doorbell sound. She opened the door to see the postman standing there. The long evenings had started to come in and dusk was falling. A rush of leaves swirled up at her feet. He had a parcel that she had to sign for and a letter. She thanked him and closed the door. The parcel was for Adam so she left it on the hall table for him. She looked at the address on the letter through the cellophane pane of the envelope. To the parents of Fionn White. She felt a lump in her throat. Emma opened the white envelope – normally these letters were reminders about his vaccines or from a PR company trying to sell her something for the milestone that he should be at now if he were still alive. She knew she should probably throw these things into the bin but for some reason she never could. She still hadn’t been able to summon up the strength yet to ask them to take his name off their databases. But this letter had the red ink of the state harp on it. The gummed seal tore in parts so she stuck her finger inside and pulled it along to open it. She unfolded the white paper and read down through the letter.
The text began to dance before her eyes. It was Fionn’s death certificate. There it was in black and white on paper. She looked at the shortness of his life written in front of her: Date of birth June 6th 2009; Deceased December 14th 2009. Six months old. Just six months. There it was in black and white in front of her – he was no longer considered to be a person of this world. The finality was overbearing.
She felt her knees buckle beneath her and she reached out to grab onto the post of the staircase. She used it to guide herself downwards so that she was sitting on the bottom step. Just as she thought she might be starting to heal, taking tentative steps forward, this had come and knocked her off balance again. She wasn’t expecting it; it was like a below-the-belt punch coming at her, leaving her reeling in its wake. She needed to see his face as if somehow by looking at him it would confirm that he had been a real person. She ran upstairs and into her bedroom. Pulling out the drawer of her bedside table, she reached for his photo. The smiling baby staring back at her, so happy and full of life, was so at odds with what had happened. Sometimes she still couldn’t believe this had happened to him, that he was gone and never coming back. The pain tore at her chest. The unjustness caught her again as it always did and she felt the sting of tears building up behind her eyes before spilling down her face. Would she ever get over how unfair the whole thing was? If only she had control, could turn back the clock. It was unfair that they didn’t get a second chance. She screwed the lid off her tablets, swallowed two back and waited for the heavy sensation to come and numb the pain.
* * *
When Emma woke again everything seemed blacker. The room was still cloaked in early-morning darkness but nothing was as dark as how she was feeling inside. Today was one of those days that felt as though someone had turned out all the lights. It had been a while since the blackness had descended upon her with such strength but now it felt like it was smothering her until she could no longer breathe. She knew Maureen would understand if she didn’t go into work today.
She fell back asleep and managed to sleep right through the day and was only woken by the doorbell ringing. She opened her eyes and remembered where she was. The clock on her locker told her it was after six in the evening. She lay there hoping that whoever it was would go away but they were persistent so she dragged herself out of bed and trod downstairs to answer it.
“Hi there,” Zoe said softly as she opened the door. “I rang you in work and they said you hadn’t come in today, so I thought I’d stop by and see how you’re doing?” She took in Emma’s red-rimmed eyes and stained face. “Aw pet, today’s a tough one, isn’t it?”
Emma let her in silently and Zoe followed her into the living room. She sat on the couch beside Emma and encircled her in her arms.
“His death cert arrived today.” The tears built up inside and spilled down Emma’s face again.
“Oh Emma!” Zoe hugged her tight. She felt a bit puzzled. How could the certificate have taken a year to come, she wondered. “There, there, pet. It’s okay, it’s okay.”
Emma’s whole body shook with tears until her cheeks stung and her nose was running, streaming with watery mucous.
Zoe felt wretched watching her friend in this state. She was useless to her; nothing she could do or say would change anything.
“I just miss him so much, Zoe. It never gets easier. People keep telling me that time is a great healer but it isn’t – the pain never goes away. It’s always there, constantly, and I’m so tired of crying. I’m just so tired.”
“Oh God, Emma – I’m so sorry.”
“It’s just . . . so . . . so . . . final.”
Zoe rubbed her back while Emma cried hard.
A while after, Emma said she was exhausted and wanted to go back to bed.
Zoe helped Emma into bed and watched as she fell asleep instantly, worn out from all her tears. She stayed there stroking Emma’s hair softly. It was painful watching her friend fall apart and knowing there was nothing she could do for her. So much time had passed but it was all still so fresh. While Emma snored gently, Zoe tiptoed quietly out of the room.
* * *
Just as Adam was dismounting his bike, he saw Zoe letting herself out their front door.
“Hi, Zoe.”
“Hi, Adam,” she said somewhat awkwardly. “I just called in to check on Emma.”
“How is she?”
“She’s not too good actually. You see, Fionn’s death cert arrived in the post today. She’s taken it pretty badly.”
He took a sharp breath. “Jesus!” His eyes widened in horror. “Oh God, Zoe, I wanted to spare her that. I asked them to address it to me.”
“Why did it take so long to come, Adam?”
“It was just a copy, Zoe. Em’s parents mislaid the original in the months after his death and I only recently steeled myself to send for another.”
His eyes began to brim with tears and he had to do everything in his power to keep it together.
“I’m sorry, Adam, I really am. I can’t imagine what you’re both going through.” The man standing before her, the man who used to be tall and strong, now was broken.
“Is she in her room?”
She nodded. “I’m worried about her, Adam. She’s in a bad way up there.”
“Well, she won’t talk to me. It’s still as if she can’t bear to look at me or she blames me or something. When she looks at me all I can see is contempt in her eyes.”
“It’s not easy for her.”
It’s not easy for me either.
“I know but she just keeps pushing me away. I just want to get inside her head to understand exactly what is going through her mind about me. Surely by now she should be coping better.”
“I really don’t know what to say, Adam. I know you don’t want to hear it but be patient with her, it’s still quite soon. And today is bound to be another setback.”
“Yeah, I suppose you’re right.” He let out a heavy sigh.
She nodded and turned away. He watched her walk off into the dusky evening.
Adam let himself into the house and picked up the white letter that Emma had left on the hall table. He unfolded it. To the parents of Fionn White. That’s why she had opened it. He had asked them to address it to him. He stared at the text. That was it: Fionn was gone. A piece of paper was all they were left with. He stood and broke into sobs as the grief flooded down upon him. He longed to hold Emma and to have her hold him back. He missed the closeness of his wife.
He climbed the stairs and stood outside her door. He had long since given up calling into her but he needed her right now. The lights were off and he could hear from her slow and heavy breathing that she was sleeping. He tiptoed across the floorboards. In the darkness, he looked down at her. Her hair was fanned out on the pillow around her. He reached out to touch her skin; his fingertips stroked its softness while he brushed the strands of hair back off her face but she didn’t wake.
Adam slept fitfully that night. When he finally drifted off, the dream was back again with terrifying force, menacing him in the darkness, looming over him like a spectre waiting until he went to sleep to appear. It was all disjointed. Driving along. The sun. The blinding sun. The frost-tipped hedgerows. Trees. The house. The gate. The bend. The crossroads.
His body bolted upright as beads of sweat ran down his bare chest. He tried to catch his breath as he sat trembling in his own bed.
He saw every hour change on the clock. His mind was whirring with activity. His world had been thrown upside down and it never got any easier. Today was another hurdle, another painful reminder when he had hoped things might be starting to get easier for them. He was free-falling and life felt out of his control. And he had lost his wife too. The one person he should have been able to count on kept pushing him away. He felt so powerless. Where could they go from here? He was slowly going around the twist from her torturous ignoring of him. She didn’t want him around her. She didn’t want him any more. Months of anxious worry were climaxing to realise his worst fears.