Will you have the love of power or the power of love?
the Darkover novels
MIRIAM ZIMMER BRADLEY
Work and professional relationships can touch off the same fears of rejection and domination and resulting protective responses as primary relationships, and they can deteriorate into codependent relationships when we do not take good care of our Inner Child. A controlling, critical boss or professional person such as a teacher or a doctor can evoke in us the same reactions we had as a child with a controlling, shaming parent.
Power struggles similar to those parents have with children are common in work situations—the boss wants control and the employee is defensive or resistant, or a partner wants control and the other partner is defensive or resistant. Equally common are the typical codependent interactions of control and compliance, in which one person (usually an employee or partner) constantly gives himself or herself up to the other.
Here’s a typical codependent interaction between an employer, Mike, and an employee, Jeffrey:
If Jeffrey had stayed connected to his Inner Child and showed up for him as a loving Adult, he would have responded differently:
JEFFREY: |
Mike, I don’t want to be yelled at and blamed. I have good reasons for not getting the billing out on time. When you really want to understand rather than blame, I’d be happy to tell you. |
In order to take this step, Jeffrey would have to be in a place within himself where he would rather lose his job than lose himself. It is through Inner Bonding that we can reach that position within ourselves.
Of course, Mike had the option of initiating the discussion with an intent to learn rather than protecting himself with his shaming and blaming:
MIKE: |
Jeffrey, I noticed that the billing didn’t get out last week. I know you generally do things on time. There must be a good reason why that occurred, and I’d like to understand. |
It would not occur to Mike to explore with Jeffrey his good reasons unless Mike was in an Inner Bonding process with himself, consistently exploring his own good reasons for his own feelings and behavior. His behavior toward Jeffrey and everyone else in his life reflects his own inner process.
Ali and Nassir, both in their late thirties, are partners in a very large and successful import business. They were born in India and met each other as teenagers after moving to the United States. They were working with me individually on marriage and family issues, and both had become very adept at Inner Bonding work. They decided to have a few joint sessions to resolve some conflicts in their business.
The week before making this decision, they had a particularly explosive fight that actually threatened their partnership. They had developed a codependent system, with Ali on the narcissistic side and Nassir on the caretaking side. This had gone on for years. Recently, however, things had changed. As a result of working with his Inner Child, Nassir was no longer willing to give himself up to Ali. One day all his resentment over going along with Ali surfaced and he blew up at Ali, threatening to sever the partnership.
Ali’s mode of operating when he didn’t get his way was to get very angry and abusive. He would yell at or threaten Nassir or their employees in a mean way. Nassir’s mode of caretaking was to look as if he was complying, while lying or withholding information from Ali and then doing what he wanted behind Ali’s back—which of course infuriated Ali even more when he would find out. Nassir was terrified of Ali’s meanness, whether it was directed at him or at the employees, and would do almost anything to try to avoid it. He didn’t realize that all the things he was doing to avoid it were actually making things worse.
When they first came in to see me, Nassir believed that if only Ali would stop being mean when things didn’t go his way, their problems would be easily resolved. Ali believed that if only Nassir would be honest and up-front, all their problems would go away. In codependent relationships each person sees clearly what the other is doing and is almost completely blind concerning his or her own behavior. Each believes they are just reacting to the other’s unloving behavior.
Nassir started the session by telling Ali how painful it was when Ali yelled at him. He shared with him some things he had never before revealed to him, even though they not only had been business partners for five years, but had been friends for nine years.
Ali and Nassir spent the next twenty minutes discussing some of the business problems they had not been able to bring up with each other. I could see the relief they were each experiencing as they were able to talk without anger or lies. Then they each again expressed that they needed a plan for handling the situation when one of them was an abandoned Child.
Ali was willing to try it, and Nassir and he came in again two weeks later. They had spent many hours talking about their feelings and their business problems, and had resolved many long-standing issues. They were both delighted with how things were going and were beginning to build trust again. Ali had not blown up once in the whole two weeks while Nassir was being up-front and honest. Neither had yet to deal with the other’s abandoned Child, but both were feeling confident that they could handle it when the time came.
When Clark decided to give up working for himself as a freelance artist and take a job with an advertising agency, he made a verbal agreement with Audrey, his boss, that he was free to take vacations when he wanted to. She knew that having that freedom was very important to Clark, and she wanted him to work for her badly enough that she was willing to agree to it.
As Clark quickly found out, Audrey was an unpredictable person, agreeable one day and angry and sarcastic the next. She tended to belittle people when she could not get her way.
After six months on the job, Clark made plans to take a week-long vacation and told Audrey about it. She was instantly resistant, telling him that it was a bad time, that too much needed doing, and that she would have to think about it. She treated him like a bad little boy for even making the request. Clark was quite anxious and upset about the possibility that she would go back on her word.
Clark came in for his therapy session feeling very anxious about the situation. As he explored, he realized that Audrey reminded him of his tyrannical father, who had always yelled at Clark and belittled him. Clark was reacting to Audrey in the same way he had reacted to his father—by being quiet and compliant, a good boy. Clark’s mother had rarely stood up for Clark or for herself, and when she did it was always in an angry way.
Clark knew that getting angry at Audrey would only result in his being fired—he had seen it happen to others. He had no idea how to stand up for his Inner Child with Audrey, since he had never seen anyone in his family do that for themselves. He knew he had to be the advocate for his Inner Child, and that his anxiety was not so much because of Audrey’s behavior, but because his Inner Child was feeling unprotected by his Adult.
Clark realized that there was an enormous difference between his Adult being an advocate for his Inner Child and protecting his Child from harm, as opposed to his Adult protecting against this responsibility by disconnecting and leaving the Child to deal with it alone. He saw that whenever he was anxious it was because his Child was left alone to handle a situation.
Clark realized that he had been letting his Inner Child down for the last six months—that he had allowed Audrey to treat him unlovingly all this time, and that the vacation situation was just a symptom of his own unlovingness toward his Inner Child.
What did standing up for his Inner Child look like? Clark knew that if Audrey told him he could not take his vacation, he would have to remind her of her verbal agreement, not in an angry way, but in a kind, adult way: “Audrey, it is my understanding that we had a verbal agreement regarding my being able to take vacations when I want to. I would appreciate your keeping this commitment to me.”
Clark explored various responses if she responded in an angry, blaming, or sarcastic way. He decided that what felt best would be to say, “Audrey, it feels bad for you to talk to me in that tone. Can we discuss this without anger and belittling?” If she continued being unloving, he could say, “Audrey, you seem really upset. Why are you so angry about this?” Or he could say, “I really want to discuss this with you in an open way. Perhaps we can do that later,” and end the conversation.
Clark knew he would run a risk of getting fired if he did that, but he felt willing to risk it rather than let his Inner Child be verbally beaten up. He decided that if she didn’t agree to his vacation, he would let Audrey know that he was going anyway. He was willing to risk being fired, because he knew he would feel awful on the job if he let her go back on her word.
Clark’s anxiety went away when his Inner Child realized that his Adult would really be there to stand up for him. As it turned out, Audrey came in the next day and told him he could take his vacation, saying, “You would have taken it anyway, wouldn’t you?” “Yes,” replied Clark, and he felt very good knowing that she saw that he was willing to stand up for himself.
Dean is a personal physical fitness trainer. Jason, one of his clients, is a senior partner in a large legal firm. Jason has a terrible temper, which he periodically unleashes on Dean when Dean lets him down in some way—is late, is rushed, or forgets an important part of the workout. Dean has a tendency to be irresponsible and resistant regarding his management of time, which leads him to be distracted. This is extremely irritating to Jason, who is a perfectionist.
When Dean first came in for therapy, he would respond to Jason’s anger and criticism with defensiveness or compliance. His Adult would abandon his Inner Child at the first sign of criticism, and his Child would be left to handle the situation. Dean quickly saw that Jason was similar to his mother, a critical and controlling woman. Sometimes Dean would protect against his mother controlling him by defending and resisting; other times he protected against his fear of her rejection by complying, giving in and doing what she wanted. Now he was doing the same thing with Jason and was feeling terrible about it.
Dean worked hard to establish a connection with his Inner Child. The next time Jason blew up at him, he felt he handled it better, yet he still felt badly afterward. We had the following dialogue in therapy:
MARGIE: |
How did you handle it when he started yelling? |
DEAN: |
Well, I stayed in my Adult. I told my Inner Child that what Jason was saying had some validity, and that we should hear it without defending. I was able to hear what he was trying to tell me, and I let him know that I understood his feelings and would take a look at the information he was giving me. I felt okay at the time because I didn’t get defensive, but afterward it kept bothering me. |
MARGIE: |
Well, let’s ask your Inner Child what was bothering him. |
DEAN: |
Okay. (To the doll) Hi, little guy. Why are you still feeling upset about what happened with Jason? Is there some way I didn’t take care of you? |
CHILD DEAN: |
Yeah. You let him yell at me. I don’t like it when people yell at me. |
Dean’s Inner Child was upset because Dean allowed Jason to abuse him by yelling at him. Dean and I discussed the difference between content and context. Content is what they were talking about—Dean being late again. Context is how they were talking about it—with the intent to protect or to learn.
If Dean had been willing to stand up for his Inner Child, he would have said quietly to Jason, “I’d be happy to discuss with you anything you are upset about, but I don’t want to be yelled at. I’m willing to take responsibility for exploring my lateness and resolve this issue, but I don’t want to be attacked for it. Can we talk about it with openness?”
If Jason had kept on yelling, Dean could have said, “I’m not available to be yelled at. Let me know when you are willing to discuss this with me without blaming me,” and walked out. Of course, he risked losing Jason as a client, so he had to come to terms with an issue we all have to face at different times in our lives: “Is it better to lose him than lose me, or would I rather give up me than risk losing him?” If he was too afraid of losing Jason, then he would have to accept the bad feelings his Child has from being abused.
Dean realized that he was willing to risk losing Jason rather than allow himself to be verbally beat up; but that he also had a responsibility to deal with his old resistance, which led to his lateness. His lateness was another symptom of his Adult abandoning his Child through indulgence. Instead of his Adult making the decision that he wanted to be on time and taking the responsibility to make sure that happened, he allowed his Child to run the show. His Child was coming from his old resistance to his mother, acting out through lateness the statement, “You can’t tell me what to do.” It was his abandoned Child’s way of not being controlled by his mother and by Jason, but this behavior was not serving him well. To be a loving Adult to his Inner Child meant making his own decision regarding whether or not he wanted to be on time, rather than resisting Jason.
Cassie, tall, dark, and slender, in her early thirties, is a struggling film director. She was working on a documentary film and came in for her session with the following upset:
I’m really enjoying doing this film, except for the problems I’m having with Aaron, the cameraman. He’s fighting me every step of the way. Most of the time when I tell him what I want, he tells me it can’t be done, and I know that it can. If I get upset enough, he finally does what I want, but I hate this struggle. Half of the time I give in to him because I get tired of fighting. But I’m always sorry afterward, because I realize that I was right in what I wanted. I just don’t know how to handle this situation.
CASSIE: |
So what do I do? |
MARGIE: |
What you need to do is going to be a real challenge for you, Cassie. You’ve always believed you had to be tough to get anywhere, and it’s worked for you. Yet in this situation it’s causing your problems. You need to soften up both your tone and your attitude. For example, if you want a scene backlit, how would you normally say it to him? |
CASSIE: |
I’d say, “Aaron, I want this scene backlit.” |
MARGIE: |
What do you think would happen if you said, with a friendly smile, “Aaron, I want this scene backlit. What do you think?” |
CASSIE: |
So then, what if he says, “No, it can’t be done.” |
MARGIE-AS-CASSIE: “Really? There must be a good reason for that. Could you explain it to me?” See, instead of fighting, you are exploring.
CASSIE: |
But I shouldn’t have to be so careful. I should be able to just say what I want and have him do it. |
MARGIE: |
Perhaps, but that’s not how it is. Is it loving to yourself to keep beating your head against his wall, or would it be more loving to accept how he is and work with him in a softer way? |
CASSIE: |
I guess I keep thinking that if I get angry enough he will get that I’m the boss and stop fighting me, but I can see that I’m just making it worse. Okay, I’m going to try doing what you said. Wow! This is going to be hard! |
MARGIE: |
Yes. Sometimes the loving behavior is the hardest thing to do, because we’re not used to it. It gets easier with practice. |
Alexis, the advertising executive that we met in Chapter 7 when she was exploring her relationship with Brendan, had been working hard in therapy to recover memories of incest that occurred when she was an infant. She had had flashes of memory for months, but was having difficulty recalling complete memories. As a result, I recommended that she have some bodywork, a nonverbal form of therapy designed to release memory that is stored in the body. After only a month of bodywork, Alexis started having more substantial memories.
Alexis was also attending a small professional college, training to become a psychotherapist. On the first day of a new class, the instructor, Kathleen, had the students sit in a circle and share their experiences with their personal growth. After Alexis shared her experience of being in both verbal and body therapy to retrieve incest memories, Kathleen made the statement that perhaps Alexis was going after her memories with a pick-axe. Alexis felt enraged at this, feeling that Kathleen was not seeing how important her process was to her, but didn’t say anything to Kathleen. A few days later, when she came in for therapy, she was still angry about it.
Alexis stated in therapy that she felt unseen by Kathleen, and that for some reason this enraged her. As we talked and did some Inner Child dialogue, Alexis recalled that a number of times after her father would sexually abuse her, he would put her back into her crib and leave her alone. She would cry and cry until her mother came home from work and picked her up.
Alexis wanted to tell her mother what her father had done to her, but she was too little—she did not yet have the language. So her mother couldn’t see her, couldn’t understand why she was crying, why she was feeling so frightened and alone. This made her feel frustrated and enraged, and helpless to do anything about it. She realized that when Kathleen did not see her, it brought up all these feelings from infancy.
Alexis realized that Kathleen was not her mother and that she was not a nonverbal, helpless infant, yet she had acted as if that were true. She felt that she had not taken good care of her Inner Child in the interaction with Kathleen, and wanted to do it differently in the next class. She saw that she needed to stand up for her Inner Child by being in the intent to learn with Kathleen.
Alexis planned what she could say to Kathleen from her Adult desire to learn, “When you told me that I was going after my memories with a pick-axe, I felt angry. I felt that you were not seeing how important my process is to me, and how exciting it is to me to be in this process. It brought me back to not being seen by my mother, and I felt helpless last week to say anything to you about it. I’ve worked on it this week, and I want you to know that it doesn’t feel like a pick-axe to me. I’d also like to understand why you said that to me. Were you seeing something in me that indicated that to you, or were you saying that my process would feel like a pick-axe to you?”
Alexis did just that the next week with Kathleen, and reported that the interaction went extremely well. Kathleen was completely open to understanding Alexis’s feelings and to acknowledging that she does go slower in her own process that does Alexis. Kathleen expressed how glad she was that Alexis shared her feelings, and asked her to do so again in the future if the need should arise. Alexis’ self-esteem went up a notch when her Adult treated her Inner Child as being worthy of being heard and understood.
We can tell our Inner Child over and over that we love it and we think it is a worthy and important individual; but if we don’t take action in its behalf, the words are empty. Alexis not only needed to tell her Child that she had a right to feel upset and to explore her angry feelings, but she needed to stand up for her with the teacher. It is only when we take appropriate action that our Inner Child feels loved and important.
By now it is probably clear that whatever the relationship, whether it be with a mate, a parent, a child, a friend, a coworker, or a professional, the ways we relate with others depend on the relationship we have with our Inner Child. When our Inner Child has unhealed wounds from childhood, we will always project the pain onto the people we relate to, reacting as if these people were like our parents, siblings, grandparents, or others who may have abused us. If we had a very controlling or abusive parent, we may find that we have great difficulties with people in authority.
Some of us find ourselves giving our power away to authorities such as doctors, lawyers, therapists, clergy, or teachers, allowing them to control us as our parents controlled us. I have worked with people who stayed with a doctor, a therapist, an attorney, an accountant, a minister, priest, or rabbi far past the point where they felt they were receiving help because they didn’t want to hurt his or her feelings. I have had clients who kept on housekeepers, nannies, gardeners, or secretaries because they were afraid these people would be hurt or angry. This is caretaking rather than taking care of themselves. When you put someone else’s feelings before your own needs and allow your needs to go unmet, you are not being a loving Adult to your Inner Child.
Some of us find ourselves extremely resistant to any authority, and we are constantly in power struggles, resisting being controlled by the people with whom we are in work and professional relationships. This kind of automatic resistance or rebellion also gives away our power, since others actually control what we will do because we are determined to do just the opposite of what they want.
In either case we need to take our power back. We do this by becoming a loving Adult for our Inner Child, so that we can stand up for our Inner Child when it is appropriate and make our own decisions about what we do. As always, when we take responsibility for ourselves, our self-esteem goes up another notch.