There are many wonderful books on reclaiming and healing the wounded Inner Child, and many people are deeply involved in this profound inner work. However, they find as they move through the healing process that it is not enough to reclaim and heal the Child of the past. The Child of the present needs to be seen, heard, and loved every moment of the day, when around others and when alone.
Taking care of ourselves on an everyday basis is an even greater challenge than healing the Child of the past, because there are so few role models in our culture of truly loving behavior—that is, behavior that is loving to ourselves and others. It is not as if we can reach into our own past or present experience for examples of loving behavior in specific situations with others or when alone with ourselves. We cannot reach into a collective unconscious for this information, because the information isn’t there due to a lack of role-modeling in our society. We have to make it up as we go along, through trial and error, staying tuned to the Child within in order to know whether or not our choices are enhancing or diminishing our self-esteem.
I have spent years learning how to take care of myself in specific situations in ways that are loving to myself and others. This is an ongoing process for me, one that I expect will continue my whole life. The suggestions I’ve come up with are just that—suggestions. There is never one “right” way to handle a given situation; what I am presenting are options that work for my clients and for me. I hope these options will lead you into your own creative thinking regarding new patterns of behavior that truly support and nurture your Inner Child.
Becoming a loving Inner Adult/Parent to our Inner Child is the key to a productive and joyful life, as well as to the ability to establish and sustain intimacy. It is not enough to tell the Child within that we love and cherish him or her, and that he or she did not cause our parents to be abusive. Unless we become the parents to ourselves that we always wanted, every moment of the day, our Inner Child will never believe he or she is really lovable. If the Adult in us does not treat the Child in us lovingly, then telling the Inner Child he or she is lovable is just lip service and will create no real change in our present life.
This book illustrates the psychotherapy of Inner Bonding, a psychotherapy developed by Dr. Erika Chopich and me, and introduced in our book Healing Your Aloneness: Finding Love and Wholeness Through Your Inner Child.1 Since the book’s publication, we have received many letters from people wanting to know more about the process of developing a loving Inner Adult. I hope this book helps you along the path toward wholeness and love.
The usefulness of understanding the process of Inner Bonding Therapy is not primarily for therapists. This book is written for all those who have a desire to help themselves and others.
Margaret Paul, Ph.D.
January 1992