Oh, boy. Hope’s back ached. Falling asleep on the couch had not been a good idea. Only she wasn’t alone. Her head rested on something warm. A thump-thump sounded in her ear. She blinked open her eyes.
Light streamed through the floor-to-ceiling windows in the living room. She was on the couch curled against Josh. The even sound of his breathing kept her pulse from accelerating into the danger zone. He looked so young and carefree with his eyes closed and the edges of his mouth curved slightly.
Was he having a good dream?
Josh deserved one.
Tentatively, she brushed the hair away from his eyes. The strands were soft against her fingertips when last night everything about him had been hard lines and edges. The devastation written on his face had clawed at her heart. Thinking about it now hurt her stomach.
She’d been out of her element, not knowing what to say or do while he was upset with himself. So she’d listened and tried to support him. There may have been more she could have done, but Josh looked better this morning. Okay, he was asleep, but still…
Hope needed to learn more about recovery so she could help Josh. She wanted him in her life. That much had been clear to her when he’d said she was the one he wanted to be with last night.
I told him I had a place to go, someone to be with who would listen and help me. You.
His words had nestled deep in her heart. He was there, too. She hadn’t planned to fall for him, but it had happened. She’d found someone who was worth risking her heart on.
The realization should have terrified her given what she’d gone through with Adam. Except she wasn’t afraid.
For the first time in two years, fear wasn’t holding her back. She felt… reborn. A second chance at life was waiting for her.
She stared at Josh, her heart turning to a gooey glob.
At love, too?
Time would tell, but Hope didn’t want to run from her feelings, didn’t want to erect a stronger wall around her heart, didn’t want to argue all the reasons this wouldn’t work from the distance to his alcoholism.
Truth was, she had no idea what he was going through—what he’d gone through—or what that meant for the future. Could they pursue a relationship as more than friends? That was the big question, but no matter the consequences, she wanted to see where this could go. Possibly nowhere, but that was okay. At least she’d know. That was better than living with regret.
Josh stirred, moving slightly. She straightened so she wasn’t half on top of him. Immediately, she missed his warmth and the feel of him against her.
Josh opened his eyes. “Hey.”
He sounded sleepy, but the way his lips slipped into a smile told her today would be a better day.
Kissing him good morning would be easy, but she wasn’t that brave. Not yet, but soon. She touched his arm instead. “Sleep well?”
“I’m a little sore from the couch.” His voice was sharper, no longer dreamy, but the desire in his eyes heated her blood. “But I like seeing you first thing in the morning.”
“Same.” Waking up together should have been all kinds of awkward given the only other man she’d woken up next to had been her ex-husband, but there was none of that. For her, at least. He didn’t seem bothered. Her new awareness of him, however, heightened. “This should feel weirder, right?”
He nodded. “But it doesn’t.”
Thank goodness. Hope searched his face for any signs he was still upset with himself. “How are you feeling, other than your back?”
“Better, stronger.” His voice matched his words. “Thanks to you.”
So much needed to be said about what she was feeling. She wanted to know his thoughts and wants, and what they would do about what was between them. But she couldn’t organize her jumbled thoughts into something cohesive. She settled on two words. “You’re welcome.”
Maybe Hope’s lack of knowledge about sobriety made her views about his drinking idealistic. Still, she knew the man who showed up at her door last night wasn’t a failure. Josh might have viewed himself as one, but she saw him as a man doing his best. His struggles might never go away, but he was trying. She couldn’t ask for anything more than that from him.
And wouldn’t.
“Are you hungry?” she asked.
“I could eat.”
Hope liked being able to do something for Josh after all he’d done for her. “Pancakes sound good?”
“Perfect.” He rose. “I’m going to use the bathroom, and then I’ll set the table.”
As she stirred the batter, she was struck by how normal this morning felt. How was that possible? She’d only known Josh since Tuesday. What had Paula said?
Quality over quantity.
When he returned, she showed him where the plates were, and he set to work. When he moved behind her, his hand brushed her back. Her insides thrummed like a finely tuned violin.
His smile zinged straight to her heart. “They smell good.”
“My grandmother’s recipe.”
Hope hadn’t made breakfast for another man but her brother in two years. Josh didn’t offer to take over like Von always did. Or tell her she would burn her hand if she weren’t careful like Adam.
“The real secret to good pancakes or waffles, however, is real maple syrup, not the stuff made with corn syrup.” She poured the batter onto the griddle. “It’s in the fridge along with the butter.”
Josh put both on the table along with a bottle of orange juice. That reminded her—he wasn’t a coffee drinker. Hope didn’t need to brew a pot. She could survive without a cup as long as he was here.
She flipped the pancakes. A few minutes later, she had a stack ready to eat and carried the plate to the table where Josh sat.
“I could get used to this.” He placed a napkin on his lap.
Hope slid into the chair across from him. “Having breakfast?”
“With you.”
The last remaining piece clicked into place. Being with Josh like this was right. He hadn’t said anything about how he felt about her, but the affection in his gaze was clear. Sunday wouldn’t be goodbye. This was the beginning of seeing what they might be together.
Joy overflowed. “Me, too, with you.”
They ate in comfortable silence.
He added another pancake to his plate. “Man, these are delicious. Addictive like…”
The fork fell from his hand, clattering against his plate. His face paled before scrunching into a look of horror.
The sudden change in him chilled her to the bone. “Josh?”
He pushed back from the table. “I-I have to go.”
“Back to the cottage?” She had no idea what was going on.
“Home to Berry Lake.” His voice sounded raw like last night, only he looked worse. Like he’d woken up from a nightmare. “This was a mistake. I can’t be here with you. Not like this.”
His words slammed into her like a runaway train.
No, this wasn’t happening. Not when she was finally ready to move on and wanted more with him. When everything he’d done told her he wanted the same thing. Everything had seemed… perfect.
Panicked, Hope jumped to her feet, her chair crashing to the floor behind her. She wouldn’t let him go. “Why not?”
Her heart cried out, and she fought for control. He was too important to let walk out of her life. She couldn’t when he’d come to mean so much to her.
She rushed around the table to get close to him. He had to feel the connection between them. Each touch had heated her skin. “Tell me what’s going on.”
* * *
On his knees, Josh ignored Hope while he searched under the sofa for his left shoe. He focused on that because he couldn’t leave without it, and thinking about something other than the hurt on her face would keep him from losing it.
“Talk to me,” Hope pleaded.
The confusion in her voice cut into him.
“I…” He saw his shoe, grabbed it, and then stood. “I like you, Hope.”
“I like you, too.”
Hearing those words didn’t make him feel better. He hadn’t realized what he was doing until eating breakfast this morning and saying the word addicted. A warning sound had blared in his brain.
A wake-up call to something he’d been blind to. Or maybe he hadn’t wanted to see it.
He’d been warned against this—against starting a relationship—repeatedly. But that was what he’d done. Relationship, romance, whatever one wanted to call it.
All his feelings for Hope, the rush he got being around her, how he felt whole being with her…
This was more than friendship, and he wanted her badly. He needed her like he needed air to breathe and water to drink. Only he couldn’t trust if his feelings were real. He couldn’t trust anything, especially himself.
“This isn’t your fault. I screwed up.” He’d known the rules. Sam had even mentioned this to him on Tuesday, but Josh hadn’t let that stop his growing feelings and attachment to Hope. He combed his fingers through his hair. “I’m not supposed to date or start a new relationship during the first twelve months of rehab.”
“I didn’t know that, but we live on opposite sides of the country and won’t be seeing each other for a while.”
“True, but I…”
No matter what he said, he would hurt her like her ex-husband had. That was killing Josh when her trust in him was as clear as the lips, eyes, and nose on her face. But he couldn’t hold anything back. That wouldn’t be fair to her.
“You’ve been kind and understanding.” He wasn’t sure where the words were coming from or if they were the right ones, but he owed her an explanation. “My sweet angel, my Hope, but since meeting you, I’ve been lying to myself, to everyone.”
Lines creased her forehead. “Lying about what?”
“You.”
She flinched. “I don’t understand.”
Josh wanted to kiss her confusion away, but he forced himself to put on his shoes instead. He had to leave. “We haven’t known each other long, but I’m falling for you. Hard.”
Her eyes danced, the gold flecks like flames of confetti, and a smile returned to her face. “I feel the same way about you. So what’s the problem?”
Josh needed her to understand why their feelings weren’t enough. He took a breath and another.
“Part of my recovery has made me look at myself. I don’t like what I found.” He dragged in yet another breath, letting it out on a shaky exhale. “People have made my life easy because I could throw a football and scramble for yardage. So easy I became a spoiled, entitled brat. I wasn’t an adult, but a man-child, an arrogant jerk only looking out for himself.”
Maybe that was why he’d enjoyed the ‘making amends’ step so much. It wasn’t only a way to show others he’d changed, but also himself.
“I may have thought my injury pushed me into alcoholism, but I’d been on that path long before I got hurt. I no longer want to be that guy.”
“You’re not.”
“I’m a work in progress.”
“I’m willing to wait.”
The emotion in her voice made him want to sink to his knees and beg forgiveness. He wanted to ask her to wait, but he couldn’t because he had no idea if or when he’d be the man he wanted to be. He wouldn’t hold her back like that.
“Go home. You need time. I get that.” Her voice was calm and soothing. “But we can still get to know each other better in the meantime. That’s one of the beauties of technology.”
If only they could, but he’d never been a do-things-in-moderation kind of guy. It was cold turkey or nothing. That was how he quit drinking. That was the only way to get over these feelings for her—ones he didn’t understand nor trust.
“I can’t.” He forced himself not to touch Hope. If he did, he might not ever let go.
Yes, he was being selfish by not giving her a choice in his decision and hurting her, but at the same time, letting her go wouldn’t be easy for him. He wanted her. Needed her. But if he held on the way he wanted, he’d never know if what he felt was real or a substitute for his first love—alcohol. Hope deserved more.
“The way you make me feel is incredible,” he added. “Being with you has been wonderful, but I’m afraid you could easily become another addiction. Something I need to function rather than a beautiful addition to my life. If you aren’t already.”
Pain flashed in her eyes, but it was gone in an instant, replaced by a vacant look that crushed him. Her features went slack. “I, uh, didn’t understand. I know little about recovery or what you’re going through.”
“Don’t blame yourself.” He didn’t want her to make excuses or feel bad that she hadn’t known. “You were great last night. What I needed. I wish things could be different, but I’m still finding my way.”
She stared down her nose. “But…”
“I can’t chance anything right now. A relationship would be a huge risk, especially when I’ve been warned against it.” Saying the words deflated him, even if he knew that was what he needed to do for himself. He only hoped she would forgive him. “It’s my choice to stay sober or to drink. No one else’s. But I need to limit distractions and regain my focus. If I relapse…”
“I know you don’t want to relapse. I don’t want that, either.” The words flew rapid fire from her mouth. “Do whatever it takes to stay sober.”
“Even if it hurts you?”
“Even then,” she said without missing a beat. “I care what happens to you, Josh. I want only the best for you. Sobriety. You have my support.”
Her selfless words were killing him, and he was reminded again how he didn’t deserve her. Josh blinked back tears.
“None of this is your fault. All of it’s on me. But you’re paying the price for my mistakes.” His voice cracked. “Being with you here in Indigo Bay has given me such a sense of peace, a way I haven’t felt in a long time, but going into that bar to help Dare’s sister reminded me there’s no safe place for an alcoholic. The demon is always in reach, always waiting for one more chance to take hold.”
Her lower lip quivered. If he hadn’t been staring at her so intently, he would have missed it.
Josh couldn’t take seeing her pain any longer. He hugged her, burying his face against her hair, smelling her sweet strawberry scent. “I’m sorry. I keep talking about what I need to do, but I’m thinking of you, too. It’s better to cause a little hurt now than risk shattering your heart later if I drink again. You deserve more.”
She squeezed him before stepping away. “I understand.”
He wanted to hold her again. Even now, he didn’t want to let go. She had to be the one.
Hope took a breath. “Focus on yourself, staying sober, and being healthy. Forget everything and everyone else, including me.”
His breath hitched. She was giving him an out, full permission to do what he needed to do, without a thought to herself. “I won’t ever forget you.”
“You have to.”
Josh hated this was happening. He wanted to be stronger, so he didn’t have to hurt someone so caring, but he wasn’t there yet. He didn’t know if he ever would be. “I wish it could be different.”
Her gaze locked on his. In the depths, he saw the truth. She might be telling him to go, but she wanted him to stay.
Josh didn’t know how long they stood staring at each other. He never wanted the moment to end.
Hope glanced away, breaking the contact, the connection. “Life doesn’t always turn out as we wished it would, but there’s usually a lesson to be learned from that.”
“Please don’t hate me.” The words came out an anguished cry.
She touched his cheek. “I could never hate you.”
He leaned into her hand.
Hope lowered her arm before grabbing her phone from the coffee table. “I don’t want to be a distraction for you. I’m going to delete you from my contacts. I want you to do the same.”
Disappointment sat like a boulder in his stomach. What she suggested needed to be done. A total break. No contact. But hearing her say those words slashed his heart in two.
“The twelve months might be a guideline,” she continued, but he wasn’t sure if she was talking to him or herself. “Every person is different. This way, neither of us is tempted to reach out. Get your phone.”
He did.
Hope’s index finger trembled, but that didn’t keep her from pressing on the screen. “Done. Your turn.”
Josh blew out a breath, raising a finger that felt as if it weighed a ton, and then deleted her info. “Done.”
Eyes gleaming, Hope blinked. “Do you need a ride back?
“I’m good.”
Leaving was the last thing he wanted to do. He’d rather hold her, kiss her, stay by her side forever. That told him he needed to get away from her.
Josh stood. “Thanks for everything.”
“You’re welcome.” She wrapped her arms around her stomach. Her breaths came faster. “This is for the best.”
“The best,” he repeated, when all he wanted was a do-over.
“No regrets, okay?”
“No regrets.” He hoped that wouldn’t turn into a lie once he was back in Berry Lake.
Hope followed him toward the door, but her normal warmth had vanished. She seemed stiff, distant, even though they were less than two feet away from each other.
“Sometimes doing the right thing is hard.” She opened the front door. “You’ll get through this, Josh. Come out stronger.”
“I’m counting on that.” His throat burned. Each breath took effort. If he weren’t careful, he would cry. He had no idea if she felt the same awful ache in her chest as he did, but she was being too nice when he was the one leaving. “Goodbye, Hope.”
“Bye, Josh.” She stepped back, making a hug impossible. Probably better this way. “Have a safe flight home.”
“Always.”
With that, he stepped onto the front porch. The door closed behind him.
As he put one foot in front of the other, forcing himself away from her and toward his cottage, four words swirled around his head.
It’s for the best.
Yes, Hope was correct about that, but that didn’t stop the stinging in his eyes or the loneliness threatening to engulf him. He couldn’t let either get to him. Josh needed to concentrate and do what needed to be done.
He unlocked his phone. Hit a number on his favorites list. “Hey, Rudy. It’s Josh. Sorry to call so early, but there’s something you need to know.”