Chapter 1: Identifying Your Audience

 

How to Write for a College Admissions Officer

Your college essay isn’t like the types of essays you may have written before. It’s not meant to demonstrate knowledge of a particular subject, and it’s not trying to deep-dive into a research topic. Instead, it’s meant to appeal to a specific type of reader—those on the college admissions team!

If you want to get accepted to the college of your dreams, you need to write a successful college essay. The first step is to make sure you’re satisfying that target audience.

Okay, you may be thinking, but how do I do that? In this chapter, we’ll focus on just that—ways to focus your essay so that it appeals not to your teachers, your parents, or your friends, but to your actual audience.

WHAT YOUR COLLEGE ESSAY ISN’T

Since you’ve likely written a bunch of essays by this point in your academic career, the easiest starting point is to describe what your college essay should not be. Your college essay isn’t…

Repurposing the Purpose (of an Earlier Essay)

You don’t have to start from scratch when writing your essay. If you’ve got previously written material that tells a life-changing story or describes something you learned in a class that you’re now looking to pursue as a major, you can use such things as starting points. Just because you’ve written about a topic before does not mean that you cannot use it as a subject for your college essay. You just need to refocus it so that it speaks to your new audience: college admissions readers.

“Be honest and write from the heart. Do not view the essay as an English term paper project. You are not looking to get an “A,” but you are looking to explain yourself and give the reader a chance to see what makes you tick.”

—St. Mary’s College of Maryland

HOW TO MAKE A REWORK WORK

If you’re going to work from pre-existing material, you need to adapt it so that it fits your new audience and purpose. (And, though we’ll get into that in a later chapter, it of course still needs to answer the essay prompt.) Be critical with your previous content. Ask yourself what it contributes to answering the essay question.

It should convey at least one of the following, depending on the prompt:

Even if an essay prompt is completely open-ended—and some of them boil down to “write an essay on the topic of your choice”—don’t just turn in an essay you completed for a course. It needs to fit the new audience (the admissions team) and a new purpose (getting you admitted!).

That’s not to say you write just to tell the admissions folks what they want to hear—not by any means. You can’t develop a strong essay if you’re just trying to figure out how to get the ball straight into the admissions office’s catcher’s mitt. Your essay needs to convey your unique story. It just needs to do that by conveying the story to them, clearly and memorably.

“Students should express their true voice. There is no right way per se. It may be about a passion or a special interest or a life-changing moment. The challenge is to address the chosen subject with style and substance so that the reader develops a greater appreciation for the writer.”

—Earlham College

A Tale “As Old As Time”

If you’re concerned about retelling an existing story to a new audience, take a moment to consider that you’ve probably already done exactly this, and that you just may not have realized it. Have you ever told a story to one group of friends and then relayed a different version to your parents or to a teacher? Or have you ever texted a shorthand version of something that you then more elaborately described in person?

In March 2020, Grace sent the email below to her best friend Emma. When it comes time to think about her college essay, Grace recalls the image of anxious New Yorkers waiting day after day for COVID-19 testing—and how relieved she was when her grandmother finally got tested after weeks of being afraid to go to the hospital. It was probably one of the most important incidents in life.

Em grrrl – Yes, COVID-19 is scary. Especially now that they’re realizing young people certainly can get it. A boy 12 years old died in Michigan. It makes me scared for my little brother, bc he kept playing soccer until Mom made him stop. He and his team were all really pissed they had to stay in – but it turned out to be for the best. And staying at home is driving me crazeeeee. Plus, even with lots of Zoom and FaceTime, I miss seeing everyone in person every day – especially those nearest and dearest in Mr. Blaine’s. Zachary better not forget me until we’re back live next year! On the bright side, I’ve been gramming pictures of the new kittens we’re fostering. But you know what I’ve really been thinking about? How it’s been so much easier (and less scaree!) for grandma to be tested now that she can just get in her car and go, rather than having to go to a hospital. The day after she did, we saw pictures of so many people in New York City having to stand in line to be tested. There’s so many, some of them have to come back the next day and the next. It’s stupid! If they have to come back, they’re just getting sicker and sicker – and infecting more and more people. Xoxoxoxoxox, Grace

ACTIVITY

Now it’s your turn. Find a story that you’ve already told, whether it’s an essay you wrote for class, a series of messages you sent to a friend, or even something that you remember telling an acquaintance in person.

Adapting for a New Audience

Now that you’ve shared your own version of a story, let’s consider how Grace’s email to Emma can be translated into an admissions essay for a premed program. Her goal is to explain her passion for biology and medicine.

After brainstorming, she decides that the most relevant part of her story is how to make medical treatment available locally, in order to minimize patient travel. After all, she reasons, if you’re sick, you’re the one who should be resting comfortably and put at ease, not waiting in line and feeling scared.

Here is the essay she wrote from that experience—using the bare bones sketched in the email as the nucleus of the essay. Please bear in mind that this is not an actual student essay (you can see some of those in the appendix of this book), but rather a sample that shows off the techniques that we’re discussing.

Essay readers want to know your goals and passions. Here they are. Now, we’ve opened up to the essay writer’s actions. Remember: allusions to news stories are evidence of your thoughtfulness and informed behavior. Very good way to hone in on your premed interests. Ever since I was little, I’ve wanted to be a doctor. I used a play stethoscope to hear my dolls’ heartbeats and doled out “pills”—baby aspirin—to my teddy bear. I want to be a healer. But last spring, I realized that, as important as a stethoscope and medication are, there’s more to being a healer. I can still remember the intense relief on my grandmother’s face when her COVID-19 test results came back negative. She worried for two weeks that her cold and cough meant she was a victim of the coronavirus pandemic, but she was afraid to go to the hospital. She’s 82 and it’s hard for her to walk. My grandfather was even more scared to accompany her to a big impersonal place they associated with sickness and death. When drive-through testing started in Washington State, my dad drove both of them. My whole family was happy to have a relatively safe and comfortable way to find out if they were infected—in a familiar car, not in a strange and frightening hospital. Yet a few weeks later, I saw news that people in New York City were waiting hours in line at a hospital to be tested. Some people had to come back three days in a row. The fear they must have been feeling really hit me. Wasn’t drive-through testing available? Or—worse—maybe cars were unaffordable for these potential patients, whose only option then became waiting in line. COVID-19 made me very aware of how much the way doctors deliver medicine matters. After all, I went to my dolls’ house and my teddy bear’s bed (which was my bed!). What if people develop fatal illnesses just because medical treatment is physically unavailable? Good, thoughtful question. Great specific detail—show the essay reader how you “practiced” medicine as a child; don’t just tell them. The essay grounds the reader in specific details: a specific illness, a specific family member—and specific emotions. See how the em-dashes are used here to change the rhythm of a sentence. Excellent link back to specific details they’ve just heard; admissions officers want to see a well-organized essay.
Remember, admissions officials want to know how a student will contribute. This indicates how. It never hurts to be grounded and down-to-earth, and a summer job demonstrates those things! I’ve long wanted to go to your school because of the excellent premed program. I still do! But now, I also want to go because you offer courses in contemporary challenges in medicine, looking at the sociology and culture of delivery. The conditions we practice in are just as important as medicine itself. I want to study how we might better serve communities by being in them and thinking creatively about how patients can be served. Last summer, I worked scooping ice cream in a nearby town. We’re by the lake, and everyone wants ice cream after they’ve been swimming. We get very busy and crowded. But when it got that way, one of my jobs was to pass out a number so it would be first-come, first-serve. So it made me think: could the New York hospital have done that? Passed out numbers every morning, so at least people knew if they had to come back the next day, rather than waiting in line all day? Or, how about utilizing medical students? Student volunteers can do so much to ease patients’ minds. What if medical students had rented a van to take those waiting people to a nearby drive-through for testing, rather than making them wait? Not only would it have helped those patients, it would have eased the burden on the hospital. All the doctors and nurses performing the tests could have been helping patients in the hospital instead. As I think about wanting to realize my lifelong dream of becoming a doctor, I realize how important it is for me to combine that dream with thinking of new ways to deliver medicine and to help sick and frightened people. The doctors of the future will have to be nimble and mobile to fight epidemics and novel illnesses. I want to be one of them, studying at your school. Remember that each part of your application serves a specific purpose. A line like this may be great, but likely won’t fit in a personal statement, and shouldn’t just be shoehorned in. Here, Grace seals the deal on why she wants to go to this college. She’s demonstrating a good fit with the school. Note that you would not normally include this information in a personal essay (unless it was specifically requested). Evidence of strong problem-solving ability and creativity—two ways the essays indicate Grace will contribute. Strong close, with a clear statement of fit and goals that should stay with the admissions officers.

ACTIVITY

Now it’s your turn—go back to your sample story and do some brainstorming. Answer the following questions:

What in this story would stand out?

What kernels do I want to retain? (Rewrite the important information.)

Now, don’t write a whole essay just yet, but do take a crack at using what you’ve found so far to write a clear mission statement specifically to the admissions team.

What do you want the school to know about you?

Don’t overcomplicate things for yourself. When you start writing your actual essay, give yourself clear-cut building blocks like these and you should be good to go!

THE ADMISSIONS DEPARTMENT

Right now, you may have an idea for what you want to write and where you might pull inspiration from, but perhaps you’re still a little unclear on who exactly you’re writing for. Let’s pull back the curtain on that inner sanctum and talk about the people reading your application.

“Our readers are all faculty, admission staff, or students. They must have a very strong knowledge of the college and the kinds of students who will thrive here.”

—College of the Atlantic

Who Reads Your Application?

Admissions departments are full of people with strong higher education backgrounds. Admissions officers can be former professors (from your intended major or other departments) or college counselors. Some schools use office staff who specialize in admissions. Some use people specifically trained to read admissions essays. Some colleges also use student readers, for peer-based feedback.

As diverse as these readers can be, all of them share several common traits:

How Many People Read Your Application?

It’s also a good idea to understand that the reading of your essay isn’t a one-time thing in most instances. The process varies from school to school—some might have individual readers, some might review it by committees working together, especially for students who are wait-listed. Ultimately, many folks are likely to read your essay during the admissions process.

Why are there multiple readings? The primary reason is that while the essay readers are dedicated and strive to fairly judge each essay on its own merits, they’re also human. If they personally hate the proliferation of true crime stories on streaming services, they may subconsciously assign a lower score to your essay discussing your Netflix internship—and how it made you want to study the cultural impact of soooo many crime documentaries. Making sure that more than one pair of eyes look over your application helps minimize such subjective responses or unconscious biases.

Multiple readings may also be used to move students among accept/waitlist/deny groups as decisions are finalized.

What Conditions Are Your Essays Read In?

Let’s tiptoe a bit further into that inner sanctum. It’s important to know the conditions your essay is read under because it clarifies why your essay has to grab an admissions officer’s attention to be successful.

The majority of colleges receive more applications than they can accept. The most selective colleges, like Harvard University, only accept around 5% of their applicants.

Much as they might want to enroll every qualified student, colleges resemble an airplane in one respect. Once all the seats are filled, there’s simply no more space. Admissions is the department that decides who fills the seats in the airplane.

To use another metaphor, think of the process as a series of hurdles and your essay as a runner. You might not have to leap over every obstacle, but your essay needs to clear more hurdles than those of other students. The colleges you’re applying to may have better odds than a 5% admission rate, but it’s good to think that critically about your work. If it needed to, would your essay be the one that stood out in a group of twenty?

As you might imagine, admissions officers take their responsibility very seriously. Schools get thousands—sometimes tens of thousands—of essays to read over the course of the season (November to March). They read in a very concentrated way, laser-focused on your essay for up to 30 minutes. Then it’s on to the next one—if you don’t make an impression, you’re going to be forgotten.

What Are Your Essays Being Read For?

The reason your essay can be handled in such a compressed amount of time is that admissions staff are reading it for certain things. Let’s take a deeper look at the elements they look for.

Admissions officers read your essay to find the answers to these three questions:

1 Can you do the level of work their college requires?

First and foremost, your essay needs to demonstrate that you can do the level of work their college requires. Frankly, it doesn’t benefit the college to enroll a student who will be struggling from the start. After all, no one expects the swim coach to put someone on the team who can’t already do a decent freestyle, right?

To that end, your essay needs to demonstrate that you are thoughtful, well-organized, and articulate. Your transcript, test scores, and GPA will already be speaking to whether you can pass a challenging class; your essay is an opportunity to explain how you approach problems or handle work. Remember to use your writing to reveal your process as opposed to describing your results.

2 Are you a good fit for the school?

All schools have a culture. Most have mission (or “value”) statements. Admissions officers look to see whether your essay indicates that you’ll fit into their culture and mission.

Many people know, for example, that leading science schools like the Massachusetts Institute of Technology (MIT) look for students whose idea of paradise is doing scientific research. Arts-oriented schools like California Institute of the Arts (CalArts), on the other hand, look for creative people whose idea of paradise is cartooning, painting, or playing the marimba.

Every school, even those that don’t specialize to the extent of the two mentioned above, has a culture and a mission. Research the culture of your chosen schools and use your essay to demonstrate that you are a good fit.

3 Are you likely to contribute to the school?

Admissions officers are thinking about your long-term potential. Not only do they want you to succeed as a student, but they want you to go on to reflect well on them in the future. If they see you now as a smart, motivated applicant, they’ll be better able to imagine you as a smart, motivated alumni. Your passion communicates a lot, so try to avoid being lukewarm or tentative in your communications.

It doesn’t hurt to talk about contributions you have made and want to continue to make while at college. You can use the mission statement research for this too. A comment like “I know Rice has a great music program, and I want to use my experience as first chair in the all-state orchestra as a starting point for studying violin at your school” powerfully conveys what you can contribute.

SUPPLEMENTAL

Our attention thus far has been focused on using your personal statement to tell admissions officers what they need to know about you. As a result, we’ve left out some considerations that are more appropriate for other portions of your application, like supplemental essays. We’ll get more into these sorts of submissions in Chapters 6 and 7, but here are some key strategies related to your audience.

Special Circumstances

At times, the record of student achievement in an application package doesn’t tell the whole story. Have you encountered challenges or unusual circumstances? Was your ability to attend school hampered by homelessness, for instance? Or were you not particularly motivated to study, to the degree that your GPA and test scores don’t reflect your ability?

A shorter supplemental essay is an ideal space to explain special situations like this, so long as it pertains to the question you’re answering. (If given a chance to explain personal challenges, you should write an essay that shares the most about yourself.) In particular, if your motivation or outlook has changed as a result of personal hardship, share the what, why, and how.

“A great essay can heal the sick, but can’t raise the dead.”

—Brown University

Admissions officers are fairly understanding, and the more you can demonstrate a shift toward an upward trajectory from here on out, the likelier they are to excuse lackluster grades from an off semester and take a chance on you.

School Circumstances

Just as you may want to share special information about yourself, so too do most schools want to share what makes them special. In general, it’s a good idea to know what those schools are all about before you get serious with your applications to them, but when it comes to supplemental material, it’s specifically a good idea to speak directly to how you’d fit.

The good news is that you don’t have to necessarily travel in person to these schools! You can get most of the information you need, especially about a school’s mission, from that school’s website.

First, analyze the school’s website for clues to their culture. Do they show students studying? Partying? Playing sports? Volunteering in the community? Do they emphasize any one of these activities over the other?

Second, look for mission statements. Use a highlighter to focus on keywords. Keywords and other details in the mission statement can tell you a lot about a school, as we show here.

Here’s what we found about two very different schools:

University of Rochester The University of Rochester puts the world “heal” right up top—a good place for aspiring premeds, perhaps? Learn. Discover. Heal. Create. One of the world’s leading research universities, Rochester has a long tradition of breaking boundaries—always pushing and questioning, learning and unlearning. We transform ideas into enterprises that create value and make the world ever better. Look for ways to emphasize what the school emphasizes. “Enterprises” suggests that they’re looking for practical examples of how you’ve applied yourself thus far, and what specifically you might want to create. Words that are repeated are likely to be very important to how the school sees itself. In this case “world” being used twice suggests that the university intends to compete at the highest levels—and is therefore looking for students who can help them do that.
Oregon State University That there’s an emphasis on Oregon suggests that they value residents and regional applicants. If that describes you, be sure to emphasize your connection to the area in your application. As a land grant institution committed to teaching, research and outreach and engagement, Oregon State University promotes economic, social, cultural and environmental progress for the people of Oregon, the nation and the world. This mission is achieved by producing graduates competitive in the global economy, supporting a continuous search for new knowledge and solutions and maintaining a rigorous focus on academic excellence, particularly in the three Signature Areas: Advancing the Science of Sustainable Earth Ecosystems, Improving Human Health and Wellness, and Promoting Economic Growth and Social Progress. Schools will sometimes use complicated course descriptions or program titles. Make sure you fully understand what these are, so that you can speak more directly (and accurately) to them. A competitive mission statement implies that the school is looking for competitive students.Oregon State University That there’s an emphasis on Oregon suggests that they value residents and regional applicants. If that describes you, be sure to emphasize your connection to the area in your application. As a land grant institution committed to teaching, research and outreach and engagement, Oregon State University promotes economic, social, cultural and environmental progress for the people of Oregon, the nation and the world. This mission is achieved by producing graduates competitive in the global economy, supporting a continuous search for new knowledge and solutions and maintaining a rigorous focus on academic excellence, particularly in the three Signature Areas: Advancing the Science of Sustainable Earth Ecosystems, Improving Human Health and Wellness, and Promoting Economic Growth and Social Progress. Schools will sometimes use complicated course descriptions or program titles. Make sure you fully understand what these are, so that you can speak more directly (and accurately) to them. A competitive mission statement implies that the school is looking for competitive students.Oregon State University That there’s an emphasis on Oregon suggests that they value residents and regional applicants. If that describes you, be sure to emphasize your connection to the area in your application. As a land grant institution committed to teaching, research and outreach and engagement, Oregon State University promotes economic, social, cultural and environmental progress for the people of Oregon, the nation and the world. This mission is achieved by producing graduates competitive in the global economy, supporting a continuous search for new knowledge and solutions and maintaining a rigorous focus on academic excellence, particularly in the three Signature Areas: Advancing the Science of Sustainable Earth Ecosystems, Improving Human Health and Wellness, and Promoting Economic Growth and Social Progress. Schools will sometimes use complicated course descriptions or program titles. Make sure you fully understand what these are, so that you can speak more directly (and accurately) to them. A competitive mission statement implies that the school is looking for competitive students.Oregon State University That there’s an emphasis on Oregon suggests that they value residents and regional applicants. If that describes you, be sure to emphasize your connection to the area in your application. As a land grant institution committed to teaching, research and outreach and engagement, Oregon State University promotes economic, social, cultural and environmental progress for the people of Oregon, the nation and the world. This mission is achieved by producing graduates competitive in the global economy, supporting a continuous search for new knowledge and solutions and maintaining a rigorous focus on academic excellence, particularly in the three Signature Areas: Advancing the Science of Sustainable Earth Ecosystems, Improving Human Health and Wellness, and Promoting Economic Growth and Social Progress. Schools will sometimes use complicated course descriptions or program titles. Make sure you fully understand what these are, so that you can speak more directly (and accurately) to them. A competitive mission statement implies that the school is looking for competitive students.

This leads us to the next important question you need to ask on this front. Do your current goals fit your school of choice’s mission? The more they do, the greater your likelihood of getting in.

While we’re at it, be sure to check out the department(s) relevant to your goals. Some schools are strong in geology; others are strong in music. Your fit with a school is helped when you really want to study a topic that the school promotes.

If you visit the school before applying, use your detective skills in a third way. Ask about the culture. Students already at a school are experts on its culture.

Use your detective skills to find out about the school’s mission. But never quote the mission statement directly. They know who they are. What they need to learn from your essay is who you are.

ACTIVITY

Doing Your Detective Work: Getting to Know the Unknowns

The key to any good essay is in giving admissions officers the answers to what they’re looking for. But first you need to know the answers yourself, and that means doing a little research.

Pick a school that you’re interested in attending. Answer the following three questions:

1. What level of work does the school expect from students?

(You can look at SAT/ACT test-score ranges, average GPAs of admitted students, and samples of work done by first-year students.)

2. What are the school’s goals?

(Remember to be a culture detective and check their mission statement.)

3. What is the school’s culture?

(More cultural detective work: contact the admissions office, take a tour, talk to current students.)

Now, think about what sort of story your essay could tell that would convey your level of work, your goals, and your cultural fit with the school. How do you relate to each point?

Ultimately, when we ask, “What do admissions officers read for?” the answer is this: a reason to accept you. That’s the power of your essay. A great essay can propel the rest of your application forward.

Plus, if your application package places you on the border between admit or don’t admit, a well-crafted essay informing admissions officers of your goals, your fit, your potential contribution, your personal circumstances, and why you want to go to their school can make all the difference.

ACTIVITY

Grabbing Your Audience

Those reading your personal statement will approach your essay with professionalism and good will, but they need to know, and quickly: Can you do the level of work? Are you a good fit for the school? Will you make a contribution? Have you faced any special situations?

Put yourself in their position. Give yourself five minutes to skim the following introductions and see what sort of effect those time constraints have on you. Without reading the annotations below each essay, simply rank them from best to worst on the lines below, and write a few words to summarize what jumped out at you, good or bad.

ESSAY 1

Which movie of the several mentioned in the paragraph before? Reading further into the paragraph, we can assume that it’s Saving Private Ryan, but not providing the name makes the essay seem disorganized. Last year, my great-grandfather died. I loved to hear his stories about World War II. He was one of the soldiers on Omaha Beach during D-Day. One of our favorite things to do together was to watch World War II movies like Band of Brothers, Saving Private Ryan, and The Longest Day. My favorite scene in the movie is when they are trying to blow up the bridge so the Nazis can’t get over it. It shows teamwork and courage. It especially shows Captain Miller’s courage but also Private Ryan’s courage—Ryan, after all, could have left, but he didn’t. The Longest Day is an older movie but it, too, points out the teamwork and courage needed to fight in World War II. It opens on the boats before the soldiers even go over to France. My great-grandfather said that part was realistic; it was aggravating not to know whether they would go or be delayed. At this point, the admissions officer might be wondering where the essay is going. It hasn’t yet answered a prompt, or indicated much about the student’s unique story. This essay opens with meaningful events: the death of a loved one and what that loved one and the student liked to do together. But we’re now three paragraphs in, and there’s no clear indication of what this essay is going to tell the admissions officers about the student.

Essays need organization and pacing. After the opening, the essay shouldn’t be a series of smaller moments recounting scenes in movies. It needs to either state what was life-changing or meaningful about the death of the student’s great-grandfather, about the joint movie-watching, or about the subject of those movies—and then relate that to the student’s desire to attend the college. Is the ultimate point the importance of family ties? History? Teamwork and courage? At this point, it could be any of those, but the student needs to think carefully and decide.

A Better Idea: You’ve got a meaningful life experience here, but think through how and why it is meaningful to your life trajectory and choice of a college. Then, communicate this to the admissions folks.

ESSAY 2

Opening with a recital of foods is risky if the essay doesn’t reach a point quickly. With this sentence, it does; this is the transformative, unique life story hook. The sweet potatoes. The black beans. The tahini sauce. The sage, the parsley, the basil. These are just some of the ingredients that changed my life last year. Before that, I was a typical, hamburger-loving all-American teen. But that was before I realized how much impact our consumption of meat has on climate change. But what do people eat if they can’t have hamburgers, steaks, and spare ribs? My answer is simple: delicious vegan food. The more people eat vegan, the more we save the planet. Working at Sweet Potato Pie, my town’s vegan restaurant, was a revelation. The food was not only environmentally healthy, but healthier for people and a wonderful feast to eat. My goal is to be a vegan cook and restauranteur to educate people about vegan food. You could say I’m pursuing a three-fold path: 1) grab people with great food they’ll like; 2) show them how to make it; 3) educate on the importance of the food they like to environmental sustainability. Statement of student interest continues to unfold in an engaging way.

A Better Idea: This is a well-presented introduction to this student’s particular passion, but be sure that you commit to a theme for your essay. Splitting between environmental activism, health, and cooking risks presenting a lack of focus.

ESSAY 3

Epigraphs are risky. You’ve ceded your first impression to another writer, and you’ve delayed the action of your essay. Admissions officers tend to see these as filler, so in general, avoid them. Admissions officers don’t like to be told what to do. Give them room to draw their own conclusions: in short, show, don’t tell. I was a bad kid. I say that without pride. Babe Ruth I know the transcript of my sophomore year is a sea of C’s and D’s. The thing is: I was heavily into drug use that year. I got wasted and didn’t study. Once the year was over, my parents sat me down and we had a talk. I wasn’t going to get into a good college if my grades didn’t improve. My dad said I was ruining my life. I ended up kicking drugs in rehab that summer. Getting clean was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. As you can tell from my much-improved transcript, however, you can see it was totally worth it. If I had been burning bridges before, I hope that now I was rebuilding them stronger than ever. That’s why the committee should look at my transcripts from junior high, where is much higher. This line sounds good—the echo between “sea” and “C’s”—and offers a nice contrast with the hard-hitting reality of the next line. This is a good use of a metaphor to emphasize a shift between two states.

A Better Idea: Don’t write about recreational drug use. And if you do choose to discuss how you turned your life around after some other obstacle, be sure to emphasize the initiative that you took, as opposed to external actions carried out by people like your parents or teachers.

ESSAY 4

Immediate statement of goal is great. No admissions officer is going to be at a loss about what the student wants to do! This paragraph gives contextualizing detail about the student’s life while also showing an ability to derive meaning and analogies about life from movies and books. I love movies based on Jane Austen’s books. Why? Because they really made me see how my circumstances have been shared by other people—and they chart a way forward. I want to study English and Media Studies to find myself in other books and movies. What do I mean? Well, from eighth grade until this year, my family was homeless. We moved roughly every three months, often staying in motel rooms. Does motel-hopping in Trenton seem like one of the furthest things in the world from eighteenth-century England? Think again. In Sense and Sensibility, the two sisters and their mother have to move to a much smaller house after a death in the family. They were suddenly much poorer—and it mattered materially. It was the same with my family. My father was in a construction accident and died. My mother’s salary couldn’t cover the rent. But just as Austen’s fictional family pulled through by sticking together and reading together—so too did my family. Straightforward statement of a special circumstance that the admissions officers will find helpful in evaluating the student.

A Better Idea: The reader might get a better sense of the writer’s circumstances if the essay focused more on the financial aspect of having to live on the mother’s salary alone, outside of just discussing housing. Likewise, be careful not to use a structure like this—a comparison to eighteenth-century literature—to distance yourself and your readers from the emotional stakes of your journey.

So, now that you’ve written down which intros grabbed your attention, go back and read the annotations and then see if your list matches up against ours. We ordered these as #2, #4, #1, and #3. Note that our top two work to help the student’s chances of being admitted, whereas our bottom two are actually likely to work against the student if submitted in this form. Your instincts were likely similar here, so remember to trust your gut. If something doesn’t pass muster for you, it’s almost certainly not going to work for the more critical admissions officers, especially since they’ll be unconsciously comparing your work not just to three other essays, but to hundreds.

For the next two intros, try giving some constructive feedback to the authors. On the lines after each, identify whether it’s good or bad and, more importantly, explain why. For the one that you didn’t prefer, see if you can offer a better revision.

ESSAY 5

I’ve been fascinated by geology ever since, in the same year, my Mom and I saw lava flowing down the Kilauea volcano in Hawaii and I saw a documentary on Pompeii. The power of nature is awesome—but we need to protect humans from the destructive effects. In Kilauea, they let the lava flow to let the mountain let off steam, in effect. In Pompeii, the volcano blew up and killed hundreds of people before they had a chance to react.

I’d like to learn how to prevent future Pompeiis. The descriptions of people being caught in the middle of eating, or playing with their dogs, are haunting to me. The fact is, towns in Hawaii probably won’t be Pompeiis in the future, because of geologists and earth scientists. We have the power to study data on volcanos and make predictions about their danger to human populations. We can move people away from imminent eruptions.

Your college’s Geology Department is in the forefront of this study, working with the Decade Volcanoes Project. Last year, I took a course in Earth Sciences where we studied the Hawaiian volcanoes intensively. I would like to continue that study at Your College.

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ESSAY 6

If I were to write an essay about the person I most admire in history (and I guess I am!), it’s Steve Jobs, because he made a lot of money. (Also, he didn’t have to graduate from college to do it!)

Like Steve Jobs, I want to go to college enough to start higher education, but if I see a way to make a fortune before I’m through, I’ll be quick to jump into the business world.

I also admire people like Elon Musk. In the future, I’d like to work for his company. He understands that we won’t always have drivers in cars and trucks. But I’d like to work on video games that use artificial intelligence too. It’s simple: people who are the brains behind AI will eventually run the world. Everyone else will be out of a job.

Did this intro work for you?

Take the intro that didn’t work for you and try to revise it.

WHAT EVALUATION SYSTEM DO THE ADMISSIONS OFFICERS USE?

Just as it can help you to visualize who the admissions officers are, the conditions they work in, and what they read for, it can also benefit you to know what system they use when reviewing applications.

Admissions officers have pulled their curtain aside enough to tell us that there are three basic methods:

Let’s break that down a bit more.

Categorization

This method essentially has readers dividing applications into smaller subsets such as definite admits, maybe admits, and rejections. Secondary readers may further shift applications between these piles or serve to narrow down a larger group.

An essay can be one of the factors that moves you between categories. An excellent one demonstrating how much your goals fit with the school might send you from “maybe admit” to the coveted “admit.” An essay that shows lack of focus or carelessness, on the other hand, can move you from “maybe admit” to “rejection.” All the more reason to put in as much effort as possible in writing the essay.

Academic Index

Schools that use an Academic Index derive a score from a variety of factors that include things like your GPA and/or class rank, your test scores, and maybe even your SAT subject test scores, although this metric has become less important in recent years. (This index was originally designed to ensure that recruited athletes would be able to perform well academically at the school.) For example, if you had a perfect ACT or SAT score and a perfect GPA, you’d be at the top of the index.

The type of school most likely to use this method is one that’s highly selective, wherein they can narrow down the first wave of applications to a subset of only top-scoring students. Only then will they actually read the essays. Keep this in mind before applying; the best essay in the world will do you no good if the school is unlikely to ever read it.

Holistic Method

Schools using a holistic method look at students, well, holistically. But what does that mean?

High grades are always beneficial. However, schools using a holistic method know that a student is more than just a series of numbers, so you can really make a case for yourself with your essay if your grades aren’t as strong as you’d like.

It means those admissions processes focus on you as a whole, 360° person, rather than just as an accumulation of transcripts and test scores. In some ways, the holistic method is the opposite of the index method, which hones in on numerically driven categories. Holistic methods can be highly individual.

Again, it’s very important to know what a school values. If it’s evaluating applicants in a holistic fashion, it may weigh extracurricular activities above classes, and any special talents you’ve demonstrated can shine. Schools that require (or highly recommend) an interview and visit are likelier to evaluate students in this way.

To figure out the method that your school of choice uses, you’ll have to do some research. Your school counselor may be able to help, and the school itself may give you some hints if you contact their admissions office.

You will likely be at the school you choose for several years. If a school is not forthcoming or transparent about how it operates now, weigh how comfortable you’ll be if that continues once you’re enrolled there.

There’s one thing these methods have in common. All schools will use the essay to help narrow the applicant pool, regardless of how they initially evaluate students. Always put your best foot forward; the story you share may be the deciding factor in your acceptance.

HOW MUCH WEIGHT DOES THE ESSAY HAVE IN ADMISSIONS DECISIONS?

Your essay will, of course, be part of an application package that includes your transcript, GPA, test scores, and other required material. It’s only natural to wonder how important the essay is compared to the other stuff.

Essays are always important, but how important depends on what system the school uses and your record. In colleges using a holistic system, your essay can count for a great deal in the admissions decision. In colleges with a categorization system, an essay can move you from category to category.

The admissions staff can use the essay to help determine fit and potential contribution to the school. If the school has a top-rated art program, and you want to be a professional photographer someday, for example, the essay is the place to tell them and make it clear how you fit in.

Colleges that use the Academic Index may weigh numerical and quantifiable measures such as GPA and test scores more highly, but that’s not to say that the essay isn’t important here. It is. These schools are also looking to determine your fit and contribution, and your essay is a vital component in that decision.

In every school and every system, a lackluster essay can hurt you. Blowing off an essay or skimping on the effort can sink your application. Admissions officers can tell if you’ve “phoned-in” the essay. It can make them wonder whether you’re up to the difficulty level of the school and even make the difference between acceptance and denial.

“Just as a fine essay can redeem lapses in the transcript, a poor essay can make us question the validity of the numbers [in the rest of the application].”

—Connecticut College

AVOIDING POTENTIAL TORPEDOES

Many colleges will give you specific prompts to help guide and focus your essay, or to give you an opportunity to work in details that you want the college to know about you. Some prompts, on the other hand, give you very wide latitude in what to include and how to approach it.

But just because admissions officers give you that leeway, it doesn’t mean that any topic or approach related to their prompt will satisfy them. In fact, some topics and revelations might actually hurt your chances! You want to avoid sharing anything that could torpedo your chances.

In general, follow the guidance below when choosing what to include in your essay—and what to exclude.

1 If you wouldn’t discuss it during a job interview or reveal it to your college counselor, it doesn’t belong in a college essay.

Though most admissions officers work hard to remain unbiased and objective when reading an essay, it’s a safe bet to assume that some people, even if it’s unintentional, [let] their preconceived notions about a topic affect their evaluation of the student writing.

—Cooper Union

EXAMPLE: You wouldn’t go to a job interview and tell the interviewer that you can’t keep off TikTok whenever you’re near a computer, right? (Answer: Well, no, you wouldn’t, because they don’t want to pay you for gazing at TikTok when they hired you to populate datasets.)

Colleges may not be paying you, but they want to see signs of diligence and motivation, just like employers do. Therefore, don’t settle on topics or examples that indicate a lack of goals, a hatred of study, or a carelessness with one’s work.

If you were applying for a job at IBM, you wouldn’t talk about how excited you were to have an opportunity to work for Apple. That’s not an easy mistake to make in person, but it is one that we’ve seen students make when submitting essays, especially when adapting one submission for multiple schools. Make sure you tailor your essay for the school you’re actually submitting to!

2 Leave out any off-color or illegal material, or anything else that places you in a questionable light.

“If you wouldn’t tell Grandma about what you’re telling your admissions officer, it’s probably not a good topic for your essay.”

—The University of Chicago

EXAMPLE: Maybe you and some friends stole a street sign on junior prom night. It doesn’t matter if that’s a rite of passage in your high school or if it seems funny to you. Unless you’re using this as an example of a valuable, life-changing lesson about not going along with the crowd, be careful how much you reveal in your essay. You’ll probably want to stay away from anything illegal. (This goes for anything risqué or off-color, too).

Step back from your personal attachment to a story and look at it from an admissions officer’s perspective. They don’t want you taking their school’s street signs or doing anything else illegal once you’re on campus, right? It could give them pause, even if you were otherwise about to be an admit.

If you’re unsure, ask a high school counselor or your English teacher to give feedback on topics or read the essay.

3 Think long and hard before using humor or creative approaches.

“Really creative approaches can be really good or really bad. Students should check with the college first before doing something really unusual.”

—Illinois Wesleyan University

We’ll get into this in more depth in Chapter 4, but in short, our insiders advise thinking very hard before including humor or overly creative approaches. Humor is very subjective; what’s uproarious to one person (you) might make an admissions office take pause.

This holds true for essays including rhymes, limericks, and other non-standard forms. What reads as tremendously clever to you might cause an admissions officer to wonder if you’re incapable of following directions.

It’s a very good idea to get feedback from college counselors and teachers if you elect to choose one of these routes. If it meets with approval from these advisors, go for it. If not, take a different tack.

4 Beware of commonly used topics.

Admissions staff are bored by essays which show little effort or provide little insight into an applicant. Submitting a grammatically sound essay is a start but is insufficient. The applicant’s task is to reveal something new about him or her that he could not be easily discerned from a list of curricular and co-curricular activities.

—Earlham University

Despite the massive number of applications most colleges receive every year, certain essay topics come up frequently. In the recent past, for example, essays on service trips, athletic injuries, and the death of a loved one (grandparent, parent) topped the list.

We’ve said this before, but it can’t hurt to repeat it: Admissions staff work diligently to approach each essay with the care and thought it deserves. But they are only human. If yours is the third essay they read in one day on how coming back from an injury motivated you to pull through tough times, they may mentally sigh and be unable to muster enthusiasm.

That’s why it’s always best to find topics that are unique to you—stories that other applicants couldn’t tell, or at least couldn’t phrase the same way—and which would therefore help you to be memorable.

To be clear, this doesn’t mean that you can’t still write about breaking your leg in a soccer game. It just means that you’ll need to work even harder to elevate this essay above the others that may be just like it. If specific, stand-out details about your chosen prompt don’t come readily to mind, you may want to choose a less-trodden path to go down.

END OF CHAPTER REVIEW

In this chapter, we’ve given you a look behind the Admissions Office curtain. We’ve shown you who reads your application, in what conditions, and what admissions officers look for. We’ve reviewed the systems that may be used to evaluate your application, discussed how much weight institutions place on essays and, finally, advised you about common torpedoes that can scuttle an essay.

You don’t have to do this brainstorming now, but it’s a good idea to at least start generating topics and ideas as you proceed.

What story do you want to tell?

What do you not want to share with this audience?

How can you refocus the kernel of your essay for this particular audience?