AN incidental allusion in this play (at line 211) to the imprisonment of a ‘foreign’, i. e. Roman, poet may plausibly be connected with the fate of the dramatist and poet Naevius, who suffered punishment for his political views, and who died about 200 BC. This clue, together with stylistic indications - the absence of metrical variety, for instance-places the play among the earliest of its author’s productions; and it is acknowledged (in the ‘delayed prologue’ spoken by Palaestrio) as a translation from a Greek original entitled Alazon (The Braggart). But, however early and however derivative it may be, it can be set beside Pseudolus, one of the latest plays, near the summit of Plautus’s achievement.
We cannot say how much the actual shape of the play owes to its model, but it has some unusual features. The main action is divided into two almost unrelated parts; the first consists of a plot to deceive the slave Sceledrus and enable the girl Philocomasium to masquerade as her own twin sister; the second is a campaign to prick the pomposity of the swaggering philanderer Pyrgopolynices. Left in this shape, the play would have given the soldier too little prominence and delayed its main theme for too long. The introduction of a preliminary scene, sketching the character of Pyrgopolynices as a braggart and as a woman-chaser, provides us with the expectation of the downfall prepared for him, and this introduction, together with the ‘prologue’ supplied by Palaestrio, ensures that during the first part of the play our attention is engaged not so much by the bamboozling of Sceledrus as by the situation which is being built up to facilitate the release of Philocomasium from Pyrgopolynices.
The bridge-passage between the two main stages of the action contains an unnecessary, but nevertheless entertaining digression in the discourse of Periplectomenus on his own virtues and the pleasures of bachelorhood; it also serves to establish the character of the young lover Pleusicles - a brother to many other Plautine youths, compliant and invertebrate.
It has been pointed out by many critics that the figure of the professional soldier, the careerist interested only in his own exploits in the service of any cause or employer, was common in Alexandrine Greece but could hardly have been a familiar phenomenon in the Rome of Plautus’s time. This would not necessarily prevent the Roman public from enjoying the caricature of a foreign type; nor need we suppose that they were unacquainted with the vices of boastfulness, self-conceit, and lechery, whether in soldiery or any other walk of life. In the main, it is not the military braggadocio of Pyrgopolynices but his amatory pretensions that are subjected to Plautus’s scathing attack. And it is this theme that gives the play a sharper satirical bite than can be found anywhere else in his work; nowhere else does the comedy of intrigue and light-hearted mischief work up to such a savage and damnatory finale.
| PYRGOPOLYNICES | a handsome and conceited soldier |
| ARTOTROGUS | his satellite |
| PALAESTRIO | his confidential slave |
| SCELEDRUS | another slave |
| PERIPLECTOMENUS | an elderly neighbour of the soldier |
| PHILOCOMASIUM | the soldier's concubine |
| PLEUSICLES | a young man in love with Philocomasium |
| ACROTELEUTIUM | a courtesan |
| MILPHIDIPPA | her maid |
| LURCIO | under-slave in tine soldier's house |
| CARIO | a cook in Periplectomenus's house |
Other slaves of Pyrgopolynices and Periplectomenus
The scene is at Ephesus, outside the houses of Pyrgopolynices and
Periplectomenus.
[The houses of Periplectomenus and Pyrgopolynices are adjacent, in such a way that, as we shall hear, a secret passage can be cut in the party wall between them; their front doors, however, are fairly widely distanced apart, and some kind of ornamental masonry or shrubbery obstructs the view from one to the other and provides a screen for eavesdroppers.
dra-text a military man of handsome and impressive appearance, is either just emerging from his house or arriving at it from another part of the town; during his opening words, he is relieved of the heavier parts of his accoutrement by slaves or soldiers, who take them away for cleaning. He is accompanied by his satellite ARTOTROGUS.]
PYRGOPOLYNICES: My shield, there - have it burnished brighter than the bright splendour of the sun on any summer’s day. Next time I have occasion to use it in the press of battle, it must flash defiance into the eyes of the opposing foe. My sword, too, I see, is pining for attention; poor chap, he’s quite disheartened and cast down, hanging idly at my side so long; he’s simply itching to get at an enemy and carve him into little pieces… Where’s Artotrogus?
ARTOTROGUS: Here, at his master’s heels, close to his hero, his brave, his blessed, his royal, his doughty warrior - whose valour Mars himself could hardly challenge or outshine.
PYRGOPOLYNICES [reminiscent]: Ay - what of the man whose life I saved on the Curculionean field, where the enemy was led by Bumbomachides Clytomestoridysarchides, a grandson of Neptune?
ARTOTROGUS: I remember it well. I remember his golden armour, and how you scattered his legions with a puff of breath, like a wind sweeping up leaves or lifting the thatch from a roof.
PYRGOPOLYNICES [modestly]: It was nothing much, after all.
ARTOTROGUS: Oh, to be sure, nothing to the many more famous deeds you did - [aside] or never did. [He comes down, leaving the Captain attending to his men.] If anyone ever saw a bigger liar or more conceited braggart than this one, he can have me for keeps… The only thing to be said for him is, his cook makes a marvellous olive salad…
PYRGOPOLYNICES: [missing him]: Where have you got to, Arto-trogus?
ARTOTROGUS: [obsequiously]: Here I am, sir. I was thinking about that elephant in India, and how you broke his ulna with a single blow of your fist.
PYRGOPOLYNICES: His ulna, was it?
ARTOTROGUS: His femur, I should have said.
PYRGOPOLYNICES: It was only a light blow, too.
ARTOTROGUS: By Jove, yes, if you had really hit him, your arm would have smashed through the animal’s hide, bones, and guts.
PYRGOPOLYNICES [modestly]: I’d rather not talk about it, really.
ARTOTROGUS: Of course, sir; you don’t need to tell me anything about your courageous deeds; I already know them all. [Aside] Oh dear, what I have to suffer for my stomach’s sake. My ears have to be stuffed lest my teeth should decay from lack of use. I have to listen to all his tall stories and confirm them.
PYRGOPOLYNICES [fishing for more flattery]: Let me see, didn’t I - ?
ARTOTROGUS [promptly]: Yes, that’s right, I remember - you did. By Jove, yes…
PYRGOPOLYNICES: What are you referring to?
ARTOTROGUS: That… whatever it was…
PYRGOPOLYNICES: Have you got a - ?
ARTOTROGUS: Notebook? Yes, sir, and a pencil. [Producing them.]
PYRGOPOLYNICES: You are as good as a thought-reader, my dear man.
ARTOTROGUS: Well, it’s my job, isn’t it, sir, to know your mind? I’ve trained myself to anticipate your wishes by instinct.
PYRGOPOLYNICES: I wonder if you remember… [He seems to be vaguely calculating.]
ARTOTROGUS: How many? Yes, a hundred and fifty in Cilicia, a hundred in Scytholatronia, Sardians thirty, Macedonians sixty -killed, that is - in one day alone.
PYRGOPOLYNICES: How many does that make altogether?
ARTOTROGUS: Seven thousand.
PYRGOPOLYNICES: Must be at least that. You’re an excellent accountant.
ARTOTROGUS [showing his blank tablets, with a grin]: And I haven’t any of it written down. All done from memory.
PYRGOPOLYNICES: A prodigious memory, by Jove.
ARTOTROGUS: Nourished by a prodigious appetite.
PYRGOPOLYNICES: Go on as you are doing, my man, and you will never go hungry. I give you the freedom of my table.
ARTOTROGUS: And what about Cappadocia, sir, when you slaughtered five hundred at one fell swoop - or would have done if your sword hadn’t got blunted first?
PYRGOPOLYNICES: They were only poor footsloggers; I decided to spare their lives.
ARTOTROGUS: Need I say, sir - since the whole world knows it -that the valour and triumphs of Pyrgopolynices are without equal on this earth, and so is his handsome appearance? The women are all at your feet, and no wonder; they can’t resist your good looks; like those girls who were trying to get my attention yesterday.
PYRGOPOLYNICES: What did they say to you?
ARTOTROGUS : Oh, they pestered me with questions. ‘Is he Achilles?’ ‘No, his brother, ’ I said. And the other girl said, ‘I should think so, he’s so good-looking and so charming; and hasn’t he got lovely hair? I envy the girls who go to bed with him. ’
PYRGOPOLYNICES: Did they really say that?
ARTOTROGUS: They did; and they begged me to bring you past their house today - as if you were a travelling show !
PYRGOPOLYNICES: It really is a bore to be so good-looking.
ARTOTROGUS: I’m sure it is. These women are a perfect pest; always begging and wheedling and imploring for a chance to see you. They keep asking me to arrange an introduction; I simply can’t get on with my proper work.
PYRGOPOLYNICES: Well, I suppose it’s time we went to the forum, to pay those recruits I enlisted yesterday. King Seleucus was most insistent that I should round up and sign on some troopers for him, and I mean to oblige him this very day.
ARTOTROGUS: Let’s go, then.
PYRGOPOLYNICES: Escoit, fall in; and follow me. [He resumes his equipment, and marches off with his bodyguard.]
[PALAESTRIO, a young, artful, and sophisticated slave, comes out of the Captain’s house, to address the audience in the manner of a Prologue.]
PALAESTRIO:
Now, friends, if you will kindly pay attention,
I will kindly explain the plot of this invention…
[To an interrupter] If you don’t want to listen, you’d better get up and go,
And leave room for those who do. All right?… very well, then….
Now you’re all settled, I’ll tell you about the plot
And explain the title of the play you’re about to see
On this happy and festal occasion.
In the Greek this play is entitled Alazon - The Braggart ’,
Which in Latin we have translated by Gloriosus.
This town is Ephesus. The soldier you saw just now
Going off to the forum - he’s my lord and master;
He is also a dirty liar, a boastful, arrogant,
Despicable perjurer and adulterer.
He thinks all women are after him, but in fact
Wherever he goes he’s an object of derision.
Even the girls who smile their allurements at him
Are usually making mouths behind his back.
I’ve only recently become his slave,
And I’d like to tell you how it came about
That I fell into his hands after serving another master.
Listen, then. This is where the story begins.
My master at Athens was a young man of excellent character.
He loved an Athenian woman, and she loved him;
Which is love as it should be. But while he was away
On his country’s service - a diplomatic mission
To Naupactus - a highly responsible post -
This soldier man turned up at Athens, and there
Began paying attentions to my master’s mistress,
And currying favour with her mother, with gifts
Of wine and jewels and delicacies for the table;-
And so obtained the freedom of the old bawd’s house.
But of course the Captain took the first chance that offered
Of playing a dirty trick on the poor old woman,
My master’s mistress’s mother. He abducted the girl
When the mother wasn’t looking, put her on board
And shipped her, like a prisoner, back to Ephesus.
Well, when I heard of my master’s girl being stolen,
As soon as I possibly could, I obtained a boat
And set off to carry the news to him at Naupactus.
But the gods were against me; we hadn’t been long at sea
Before we fell into the hands of pirates.
Our ship was captured - and that was the end of me.
I never got to my master as I had intended.
The pirate who took me prisoner gave me as a present
To this soldier man. On arriving at his house, here,
Whom should I see but my master’s girl from Athens!
As soon as we met, she warned me with a wink
Not to say a word; and later, when we got the chance,
She told me the whole sad story, and how she longed
To get out of that house and back to Athens - still loving
My former master, and heartily loathing the Captain.
So, having made sure that this was how she felt,
I wrote a secret letter, carefully sealed it,
And gave it to a merchant to carry to my master,
The poor girl’s former lover, now at Athens.
The letter was to beg him to come to Ephesus.
It worked. He came. And here he is today,
Staying with the kind old gentleman next door.
And the kind old gentleman, an old friend of his father,
Is being very obliging to his lovelorn guest,
And helping us with advice and encouragement
And willing cooperation. Accordingly,
I’ve devised a wonderful scheme, back there in the house,
To enable the lovers to meet whenever they want to.
The Captain had given the girl a room to herself,
Which no one else was allowed to enter; and there
I have cut an opening through the party wall
Into the adjoining house. So now the girl
Can come and go as secretly as she pleases !
The old man knows about it; in fact he suggested it.
For one of my fellow-slaves, a very dull creature,
Has been told off by the Captain to act as the poor girl’s jailer;
And we’re going to play some laughable tricks on him -
Oh, some very ingenious japes - and throw dust in his eyes,
And persuade him he hasn’t seen what he thinks he has seen.
But we don’t want you to be deceived; so don’t forget,
One girl is going to pretend to be two girls,
One from this house and one from that: same girl,
But pretending to be a different one - all right?
That’s how the jailer is going to be bamboozled.
Now there’s somebody coming out of the old man’s house…
Yes… this is the kind old gentleman I told you about.
[He stands aside.]
[PERIPLECTOMENUS comes from his house, in a violent rage, and snouting orders to his slaves within.]
PERIPLECTOMENUS: Mind what I say now. Next time you see an intruder climbing about on the roof, break his legs; unless you want me to whip your backs into ribbons. My neighbours seem to think they have a right to come spying on me from the tiles. Do you hear, all of you? If you catch any of the Captain’s men on my roof, just throw him into the street - anyone except Palaestrio, that is. Never mind if they say they’re up there looking for a hen or a pigeon or a monkey, you just mash them into mortal mincemeat, if you value your own lives. Whoever they are, don’t leave them a whole bone between them - that’ll save them from breaking the law by bringing their knuckle-bones to a party!
PALAESTRIO [aside]: It sounds as if someone from our place has been getting up to mischief next door… all this talk about breaking bones ! I’m excluded, however, so I don’t have to worry about what happens to the rest. I’ll go and speak to him.
PERIPLECTOMENUS: Is that Palaestrio?
PALAESTRIO: It is. How are you today, Periplectomenus?
PERIPLECTOMENUS: You’re the one man I want to see.
PALAESTRIO: Oh, why? Some trouble with our people?
PERIPLECTOMENUS: We’re sunk.
PALAESTRIO: What has happened?
PERIPLECTOMENUS: The cat’s out of the bag.
PALAESTRIO: What cat?
PERIPLECTOMENUS: Someone, I don’t know who, someone from your house, has been peeping through our skylight and seen Philocomasium and my young guest inside - kissing each other.
PALAESTRIO: Who could he be?
PERIPLECTOMENUS: One of your fellow servants.
PALAESTRIO: Which one?
PERIPLECTOMENUS: That’s what I don’t know. He nipped off double quick.
PALAESTRIO: Oh dear. That looks like trouble for me.
PERIPLECTOMENUS: I shouted after him. ‘Hey you, ’ I said, ‘what are you doing on my roof?’ ‘Chasing a monkey, ’ he said, and vanished.
PALAESTRIO: Just my rotten luck, if I’m to be hung for a damned dumb animal. Is she still there, then? Philocomasium - is she in your house now?
PERIPLECTOMENUS: She was when I came out.
PALAESTRIO: Look, sir, go and tell her to skip across as quick as she can, and let everyone see she’s at our place - unless she wants her love affair to send all us slaves to join a gallows party.
PERIPLECTOMENUS: Done. Anything else?
PALAESTRIO: Yes, there is. Tell her not to forget she’s a woman, and to keep using all her womanly arts and devices.
PERIPLECTOMENUS: Such as what?
PALAESTRIO: She must convince the slave who saw her - talk him into believing he didn’t see her. She may have been seen a hundred times but she must deny it all the same. She’s got a tongue, hasn’t she, and eyes, and cheek, and naughtiness and nerve and bluff and blarney and guile? She can swear any accuser into silence. She can speak lies, act lies, swear lies, as if she was born to it; she’s got craft, cunning, and deceit at her fingers’ ends. Don’t they say an artful woman doesn’t need to go to market - she grows her own spice and stuffing for cooking up any dish of mischief?
PERIPLECTOMENUS: I’ll tell her all that, if she’s still there… What are you pondering over now, Palaestrio?
[PALAESTRIO has gone into a brown study].
PALAESTRIO: Hush a moment, while I put on my thinking cap and consider what to do to get even with that colleague of mine who saw her kissing the young man - make him unsee what he saw.
PERIPLECTOMENUS: All right, go on with your thinking. I’ll get out of your way…
[PALAESTRIO goes into a pantomime of deep cogitation; PERIPLECTOMENUS, watching him, comments to the audience on his gestures and attitudes.]
PERIPLECTOMENUS: Watch him, do. Look at his attitude… scowling brow, deep in thought… knocking at his breast - to see if his wits are at home! Turning away now… left hand on left hip… doing sums with his right… slap, right hand on right thigh - a hard slap too, he’s having trouble with his thinking machine. Snapping his fingers - that means he’s at a loss… keeps rhanging his attitude… shaking his head, ‘no, that won’t do’. He’s got something cooking but doesn’t want to serve it up half-baked -wants it done to a turn. Hullo, what now? He’s building something… the façade supported on a column, [PALABSTRIO has his chin resting on his hand.] I don’t much like the look of that kind of building; I seem to have heard there’s a writer in a certain foreign country with his head supported on a stone block and two warders holding him down day and night. Hah! now that’s better… that’s a fine attitude… just what a slave in a comedy ought to look like. He’ll go on like this all day, you know, and never rest till he’s found what he’s looking for… I believe he’s got it… Come on, get on with it, whatever it is. [PALAESTRIO is frozen in a trance] Wake up, you can’t go to sleep now… unless you want to be whacked awake with a bundle of birches. Hey, I’m talking to you. Were you drinking last night? Palaestrio, I’m talking to you. Wake up. Show a leg. It’s morning.
PALAESTRIO: I know.
PERIPLECTOMENUS [in a play fid reminiscence or parody of a martial ballad]:
Then awake and beware, for the foeman is near;
He is laying an ambush to cut off your rear.
Look alive and take thought how to counter the host,
Do not sleep at your ease, there’s no time to be lost.
Make a march, intercept him, get men up and doing,
Outflank the invader and save us from ruin.
Starve out your besiegers but save your supplies,
And protect your own lines of defence from surprise…
Hurry up, old chap, this is urgent. Think, devise, invent, some crafty plan of campaign, and be quick about it. Show us how to make what was seen unseen and what was done undone… Yes, he’s got some big idea in his head now… he’s erecting a mighty bastion. Come on, man, tell us you’ve got it all under control and we shall be confident of victory:
PALAESTRIO: I have got it all under control.
PERIPLECTOMENUS : Splendid; then everything will go as you wish.
PALAESTRIO: Bless you for those kind words.
PERIPLECTOMENUS: Well, am I to hear the result of your deliberations?
PALAESTRIO: Listen, and I will conduct you into the purlieus of my ingeniosity; you shall be privy to my purposes.
PERIPLECTOMENUS: I shall not betray a word of them.
PALAESTRIO: My master, let me tell you, is a man wrapped up in an elephant’s hide; he has no more intelligence than a stone.
PERIPLECTOMENUS: I am aware of that.
PALAESTRIO: So this is the way I am going to work. This is the master plan. I shall say that Philocomasium has a twin sister who has just arrived from Athens with a man who is in love with her; and the two sisters, I shall say, are as alike as two drops of milk; and the visitors, I shall say, are being bedded and boarded at your place.
PERIPLECTOMENUS: Splendid! Wonderful! Congratulations! An excellent idea!
PALAESTRIO: Thus if my colleague takes it into his head to report the matter to the Captain, saying he saw Philocomasium kissing a strange man, I shall say it was her sister making love with her gentleman friend.
PERIPLECTOMENUS: Good; perfect. And I’ll tell the Captain the same story if he asks me.
PALAESTRIO: Don’t forget to say they are exactly alike. And of course we must put Philocomasium up to it, so that she doesn’t make any slip if the Captain asks her.
PERIPLECTOMENUS : It’s a brilliant idea, it really is. But I say, what if the Captain asks to see them both together? What do we do then?
PALAESTRIO: Oh, easy. We can think of dozens of excuses - she’s not at home, she’s gone for a walk, she’s asleep, she’s dressing, she’s having a bath, she’s gone out to lunch, she’s at a party, she’s busy, she won’t want to be disturbed, she’s not available. You can go on putting him off as long as you like, once we’ve got him on the right road, in the mood to believe any lie we tell him.
PEEIPLECTOMENUS: Very well; all right.
PALAESTRIO: You go in, then; and if she’s there, tell her to get back home at once. And put her wise to this scheme about the twin sister; explain it all to her, and make sure she understands what we’re going to do.
PERIPLECTOMENITS: I’ll send her over thoroughly primed and coached. Anything else?
PALAESTRIO : Only go.
PERIPLECTOMENUS: I’m going. [He hurries into his house.]
PALAESTRIO : And I’m going too - to employ a little subtlety on the problem of finding out which of our lads went chasing a monkey this morning. It shouldn’t be difficult; he’s sure to have let some of his mates into the secret about the master’s girl and how he caught her kissing a strange man next door. I know what they’re like - ‘I was never one to keep a secret to myself’. And when I’ve found the culprit, I’ll bring up all my assault weapons -
The fight is on, with martial might and main
I am resolved to see my foeman slain…
If I don’t find him, well… if I don’t find him, I’ll have to put my nose to the earth like a foxhound, scent him out and track him down… Sh ! the door’s opening… this is the slave who has been told off to watch Philocomasium.
[From the Captains house comes SCELEDRUS, an honest but slow-witted slave. He wanders towards the next house, looking cautiously at the door and up at the roof]
SCELEDRUS: Either I was walking in my sleep on the roof this morning, or I surely saw my master’s girl Philocomasium in there; and looking for trouble, from what I saw.
PALAESTRIO [aside]: That’s it, then! He’s the one that saw the kissing going on.
PALAESTRIO: Friend and colleague. What’s doing, Sceledras?
SCELEDRUS: Oh, Palaestrio, I’m glad you’re here.
PALAESTRIO: Are you indeed? What can I do for you?
SCELBDRUS: I’m afraid -
PALAESTRIO: Afraid? Of what?
SCELBDRUS: I’m horribly afraid, Palaestrio, that the whole lot of us are heading for mortal death and damnation.
PALAESTRIO: You may be; no headers or high dives of that sort for me, thank you.
SCELEDRUS: I suppose you don’t know of the latest horrible happenings in our household?
PALAESTRIO: What horrible happenings?
SCELEDRUS: Shocking things.
PALAESTRIO: Then I don’t want to hear of them. Keep your knowledge to yourself.
SCELEDRUS: But you’re going to hear of diem. This morning, I was up on the roof, looking for our monkey.
PALAESTRIO: Useless man chases mischievous monkey.
SCELEDRUS: You go to hell.
PALAESTRIO: And you go - on with your story.
SCELEDRUS: Well, in passing I happened, just by chance, to look down into the courtyard of the next house; and there was Philo-comasium, in the arms of some unknown youth, kissing him !
PALAESTRIO: Impossible! Incredible!
SCELEDRUS: Well, that’s what I saw.
PALAESTRIO: You did?
SCELEDRUS: I did, with these two very eyes.
PALAESTRIO: Ah, go on. You’re lying; you never saw any such thing.
SCELEDRUS: Do you think there’s something wrong with my eyesight?
PALAESTRIO: I don’t know; you’d better ask a doctor. But I wouldn’t take responsibility for that story, if I were you; you’ll only be putting your own head and heels in mortal danger. You’re in it already, twice over, if you don’t keep your silly mouth shut.
SCELEDRUS: Why twice over?
PALAESTRIO: Because - one, if your accusation against Philocomasium is false, they’ll kill you for that; and two, if it’s true, you’re her keeper and they’ll kill you for your carelessness.
SCELEDRUS: I don’t know what’ll become of me, then. I’m perfectly certain I saw her.
PALAESTRIO: You’re sticking to your story, then, you poor idiot?
SCELEDRUS: I’m only telling you what I saw. What else can I do? What’s more, she’s still in there now.
PALAESTRIO: In there? Not in our house?
SCELEDRUS: Go in and see for yourself. I don’t expect you to take my word for it.
PALAESTRIO: I certainly will.
[He goes into Periplectomenus’s house.]
SCELEDRUS: I’ll be waiting for you here… And meanwhile I’ll watch out for the young heifer and catch her on the way back from her grazing. I don’t know what I’m going to do, though. The Captain made me her keeper; if I report her, I’m a dead man. So I am if I don’t and he finds out about it. Women will be up to any daredevilment, curse them. She must have slipped out of doors while I was up on the roof, the audacious little minx. If the Captain hears of it, he’ll hang the whole household on a gallows and me with them. Oh damn it all, I’ll hold my tongue and hope to escape a miserable death. I can’t be expected to look after a wench who goes out looking for customers, can I?
[PALAESTRIO comes back.]
PALAESTRIO: Oh Sceledrus, Sceledrus, if you aren’t the most unblushing liar in the world; and the most ill-starred, misbegotten, god-forsaken -
SCELEDRUS: What’s the matter now?
PALAESTRIO: Go and get your eyes gouged out, will you, for seeing what was never there to see.
SCELEDRUS: What do you mean, never there?
PALAESTRIO: I wouldn’t give a rotten nut for your life now.
SCELEDRUS: Why, what’s wrong?
PALAESTRIO: As if you didn’t know.
SCELEDRUS: Of course I don’t know; that’s why I’m asking.
PALAESTRIO: Go and get your clacking tongue cut off.
SCELEDRUS: Why should I?
PALAESTRIO: Philocomasium is at home, and you say you’ve just seen her making love with a man next door.
SCELEDRUS: Why do you eat so much darnel? Wheat’s cheap enough.
PALAESTRIO: What are you talking about?
SCELEDRUS: Darnel; it’s bad for the eyes; you’re not seeing clearly.
PALAESTRIO: You’re stone blind, never mind seeing clearly. She’s at home, I tell you; in there [the Captain’s house]; in that house.
SCELEDRUS: At home? She can’t be.
PALAESTRIO: I tell you she is.
SCELEDRUS: Get away. You’re pulling my leg.
PALAESTRIO: I wouldn’t soil my hands -
SCELEDRUS: What!
PALAESTRIO: - touching such dirty objects.
SCELEDRUS: Go and hang yourself.
PALAESTRIO: That may happen to you, unless you get yourself some new eyes and a new line of talk… St! someone coming from our place…
SCELEDRUS: Well, I’m going to keep my eye on this door. [That is , Periplectomenus’s house] There’s no way of getting from this house to that except through this door.
PALAESTRIO: But she’s there already, I tell you. Really, Sceledrus, I don’t know what’s come over you.
SCELEDRUS: I know what I see, I know what I think, and if I trust anyone I trust myself. Nobody can make me believe she’s not in this house. I’m stopping here, and she can’t slip across without my knowing it. [He plants himself in fiont of Periplectomenus’s door.]
PALAESTRIO [aside]: Now I’ll get him. I’ll shoot him down at his post… Would you like me to prove that you’re imagining things?
SCELEDRUS: Prove it, then.
PALAESTRIO: And that you’re dumb-witted as well as cross-eyed?
SCELEDRUS: Anything you like.
PALAESTRIO: You stick to it that the Captain’s girl is in there?
SCELEDRUS: Yes, I do. I know for a fact that I saw her there kissing a stranger.
PALAESTRIO: And you’re certain there’s no thoroughfare between our house and this?
PALAESTRIO: No balcony or garden path - no way at all, except over the roof?
SCELEDRUS: That’s right.
PALAESTRIO: Very well, then. If she is in our house, and if I bring her out here before your eyes, will you own you deserve a flogging?
SCELEDRUS: I will.
PALAESTRIO: Watch that door, and mind she doesn’t nip across when you’re not looking.
SCELEDRUS: That’s what I intend to do.
PALAESTSIO: I’ll have her out here in front of you in two shakes.
SCELEDRUS : Do it, then.
[PALAESTRIO goes into the Captain’s house.]
Now we shall know whether I really saw what I did see, or whether he’ll be able to do what he says he’s going to do and prove that she’s at home. I’ve got my own eyes, haven’t I? I don’t need the loan of anyone else’s. Of course that fellow’s her favourite; he’s always malring up to her; he’s the one who gets the first pick at the food and the best bits going. He’s only been with us - what, three years perhaps - and now he’s got the best position in the household… But I must keep my mind on this job, and my eye on this door. [He plants himself squarely across the door with arms outstretched, facing the door.] I’ll stand this way. Nobody’s going to make a mug of me.
[PALAESTRIO comes out of the Captain’s house, with the girl PHILOCOMASIUM.]
PALAESTRIO: Remember what I told you, now.
PHILOCOMASIUM: How many times do you think I want telling?
PALAESTRIO: The question is whether you’re clever enough to do it.
PHILOCOMASIUM: I’ve enough cleverness to spare to teach ten innocent girls a few tricks. Go on with your scheme; I’ll stay over here.
[PALAESTRIO crosses to Sceledrus.]
PALAESTRIO: Well, Sceledrus? Sceledrus!
SCELEDRUS [not looking]: I’ve a job to do here; but say what you want, I’m not deaf.
PALAESTRIO: You’re just in the right position to be spread-eagled on a cross outside the gate - and soon will be, I think.
SCELEDRUS: Will I? Why?
PALAESTRIO: Look this way; do you know that woman?
SCELEDRUS [looking round]: Gods have mercy! It’s the Captain’s girl!
PALAESTRIO: That’s what I think. Now perhaps you’ll -
SCELEDRUS Do what?
PALAESTRIO: - prepare for immediate death.
PHILOCOMASIUM: Where is the faithful slave who has been laying a monstrous false charge against an innocent girl?
PALAESTRIO: There he is. There is the man who told me what I reported to you.
PHILOCOMASIUM [to Sceledrus]: You did, did you, villain? You saw me in that house kissing a man?
PALAESTRIO: A strange man.
SCELEDRUS: I did, so help me -
philocomasium: You saw me yourself?
SCELEDRUS: By Herc’les I did, with these two eyes.
PALAESTRIO: Which you won’t have much longer, since they see what isn’t there.
SCELEDRUS: You can’t tell me that I didn’t see what I saw.
PHILOCOMASIUM: The man’s mad; and I’m a fool to waste my time talking to him. I’ll have him put away.
SCELEDRUS: You can save your threats, miss. I know I’m going to end up on a cross; that’s where I shall follow my ancestors - father, grandfather, great-grandfather, great-great-grandfather. You can’t threaten me with loss of eyes either… Here, Palaestrio, come here a minute… How the devil did she get out here?
PALAESTRIO: She came from our house, of course.
SCELEDRUS: From our house?
PALAESTRIO: Can you see me?
SCELEDRUS: I can see you all right; but what I can’t see is how she can have got across firom here to there. There’s certainly no balcony or garden path, or window that isn’t barred… I know I saw you in this house, young lady.
PALAESTRIO: Damn you, are you going to persist in your allegations?
PHILOCOMASIUM: Oh, of course! This is the dream come true, which I dreamt last night !
PALAESTRIO: What did you dream last night?
PHILOCOMASIUM: I’ll tell you. Fancy! Last night I dreamt that my twin sister had come to Ephesus from Athens with her lover. And the two of them spent the night here next door to us. That is what I dreamt.
PALAESTRIO [aside]: That is what I dreamt… Go on.
PHILOCOMASIUM: Well, I was delighted to see my sister, but her coming resulted in my being exposed to a scandalous suspicion. Because one of my servants - this is what I dreamt - alleged - as you are doing now - that I had been making love with a strange young man, and all the time it was my twin sister with her friend I So I found myself- in my dream - charged with this horrible false accusation.
PALAESTRIO : And now all that you dreamt has come true, hasn’t it? What a remarkable coincidence ! You’d better go in and thank the gods. And I think you ought to tell the Captain all about it.
PHILOCOMASIUM: I certainly will. I don’t propose to let a wicked calumny like that go unpunished.
[She returns to the house.]
SCELEDRUS: Oh dear, I tremble to think of what I’ve done. My back is itching all over.
PALAESTRIO : You realize you’re for it now?
SCELEDRUS: Anyway, she’s at home now. And as long as she’s there, I’m not going to take my eyes off this door.
[He mounts guard over the Captain’s door.]
PALAESTRIO : Wasn’t it extraordinary, Sceledrus, her dreaming exactly what happened, and you thinking you saw her with that young man?
SCELEDRUS: I don’t know how to trust myself any more, if I didn’t see what I thought I saw.
PALAESTRIO : Well, you had better come to your senses before it’s too late; if the master hears of this first, you’ll be nicely caught.
SCELEDRUS: Of course I realize now I was wrong; I must have been half blind.
PALAESTRIO : That’s obvious - always was, since the girl must have been at home all the time.
SCELEDRUS: I don’t know… it’s funny… I couldn’t have seen her, yet I did.
PALAESTRIO: Good god, man, your stupidity has almost put us all on the spot; trying to show what a loyal servant you were, you nearly dished yourself. But look out, someone is coming from next door.
[Periplectomenus’s door opens again, and PHILOCOMASIUM is seen, giving instructions to slaves within; she looks exactly the same as before, but adopts the manner of a different person.]
PHILOCOMASIUM: light the fire on the altar, please; I must render my joyful and grateful thanks to Diana of Ephesus and pay her homage with fragrant Arabian incense for having preserved me alive when I was hard pressed by the angry waves in Neptune’s storm-tossed realm and dominion.
SCELEDRUS: Palaestrio, Palaestrio!
PALAESTRIO: Sceledrus, Sceledrus, what’s the matter now?
SCELEDRUS: That woman just coining out there - is she or isn’t she our master’s mistress?
PALAESTRIO: Upon my word, I believe she is. But how in the world can she have got from here to there - if it is really the same woman?
SCELEDRUS: Don’t you believe it’s the same woman?
PALAESTRIO: She certainly looks like it.
SCELEDRUS: We’d better go and speak to her… What are you doing here, Philocomasium? What right or business have you in this house? Philocomasium, I’m talking to you.
[She takes no notice.]
PALAESTRIO: You might as well talk to yourself. She has evidently got nothing to say to you.
SCELEDRUS: I’m talking to you, you shameless and wicked girl, wandering about the place like this.
PHILOCOMASIUM: TO whom are you speaking, my man?
SCELEDRUS:TO you, of course.
PHILOCOMASIUM: And why should you be speaking to me? Who are you?
SCELEDRUS: Who am I?
PHILOCOMASIUM: Yes, who are you? I don’t know you.
PALAESTRIO: Perhaps you don’t know who I am either?
PHILOCOMASIUM: Whoever you are, you are very impertinent, both of you.
SCELEDRUS You don’t know either of us?
PHILOCOMASIUM : I don’t.
SCELEDRUS: Oh dear, oh dear, it looks as if-
PALAESTRIO : As if what?
SCELBDRUS: As if we’ve mislaid ourselves somewhere; she says she doesn’t know either of us.
PALAESTRIO: We must get to the bottom of this, Sceledrus, and find out whether we are ourselves or somebody else’s selves. Somebody round here may have changed us into other people when we weren’t looking.
SCELEDRUS: I’m myself, all right.
PALAESTRIO: Well, so am I [He addresses Philocomasium again] I think you’re asking for trouble, young woman. You, Philocomasium ! I mean you.
PHILOCOMASIUM: Are you out of your senses? Why do you call me by a stupid name I’ve never heard of?
PALAESTRIO: What should I call you, then?
PHILOCOMASIUM: Honoria is my name.
SCELEDRUS: That can’t be right. That’s no name for you, Philocomasium. You don’t know what honour means; and you’re dishonouring my master.
PHILOCOMASIUM: I am?
SCELEDRUS: You are.
PHILOCOMASIUM: I don’t know what you mean. I only arrived at Ephesus from Athens last night with my friend, a young Athenian gentleman.
PALAESTRIO: Indeed? And what brings you to Ephesus, may I ask?
PHILOCOMASIUM: I heard that my twin sister was living here, and I have come to look for her.
SCELEDRUS: You’re up to no good.
PHILOCOMASIUM: I’m certainly doing no good talking to you two. I’ll leave you.
SCELEDRUS: Oh, no you don’t. [He detains her forcibly.]
PHILOCOMASIUM: Take your hands off me.
SCELEDRUS: You’re fairly copped this time, woman.
PHILOCOMASIUM: You let me go or my hands and your face will come to blows.
SCELEDRUS [to Palaestrio]: Don’t just stand there, you fool. Catch hold of her from your side.
PALAESTRIO : I don’t want my side or back involved in this. For all I know, she may not be Philocomasium but her double.
PHILOCOMASIUM [struggling]: Are you going to let me go?
SCELEDRUS: No. You come quietly, or I’ll drag you home by force whether you like it or not.
PHILOCOMASIUM: My home is in Athens and so is my master. This house is where I am a guest. I don’t know what home you are talking about; I don’t know either of you and I’ve never seen you before.
SCELEDRUS: You can have the law on us, then. I’m not letting you go, unless you promise on your honour you’ll go back home - in there. [Indicating the Captain’s house.]
PHILOCOMASIUM: Well, you’re too strong for me, whoever you are. Very well, I promise, if you’ll let me go, I’ll go home as you tell me.
SCELEDRUS [releasing her]: There, then, you’re free.
PHILOCOMASIUM: Thank you; now I’m free, and now I’ll go.
[She pops back into Periplectomenus’s house.]
SCELEDRUS: Trust a woman!
PALAESTRIO : The bird has flown, Sceledrus! At any rate, it’s as plain as can be, she’s the master’s girl. Would you like to help me make a thorough job of it?
SCELEDRUS: By doing what?
PALAESTRIO : Go and fetch me a sword out of the house.
SCELEDRUS: What do you want with a sword?
PALAESTRIO : I’m going to storm my way into that house, and if I find any man there cuddling with Philocomasium, chop his head off on the spot.
SCELEDRUS: You think it is her, then?
PALAESTRIO : Not a doubt of it.
SCELEDRUS: She did her best to fool us, didn’t she?
PALAESTRIO : Go and get the sword.
SCELEDRUS: I’ll have it here in two shakes… [He goes into the Captain’s house.]
PALAESTRIO: There’s not a man on horse or foot can make a braver show or put up a bolder fight than a woman can. Did you see how artfully she spoke her part in both characters? And how she bediddled my conscientious colleague her keeper? Thank heaven for that bolt-hole through the party wall!
[SCELEDRUS comes back, more mystified and awestruck than ever.]
SCELEDRUS : I say, Palaestrio. You won’t need that sword after all.
PALAESTRIO: “Why? What’s happened now?
SCELEDRUS: The girl’s at home. I’ve just seen her.
PALAESTRIO: At home? She can’t be.
SCELEDRUS: She is, lying on a bed.
PALAESTRIO: Oh my goodness, if that’s so, you’re in a proper mess now.
sceledrus: Why am I?
PALAESTRIO: You have assaulted the woman from next door.
SCELEDRUS: Oh dear, that makes it worse than ever, doesn’t it?
PALAESTRIO: There’s no denying now that the woman is our girl’s twin sister; it was she you saw kissing a man.
SCELEDRUS [partly comforted]: Yes, that’s true enough. I should have done for myself, shouldn’t I, if I had told the master?
PALAESTRIO: You would, and if you’ve any sense you’ll say no more about it. No slave need tell all he knows. Anyway I don’t want to have any more to do with it and I don’t fancy getting mixed up in any more of your problems, so I’ll leave you. I’m going to see the gentleman next door; that’s where I’ll be if the master wants me; you can let me know if he comes.
[He goes into Peripletomenus’s house.]
SCELEDRUS: So he’s off; he might never be the master’s slave at all for all he cares about the master’s business. Anyhow the wench is safe indoors now, that’s certain, since I’ve just seen her lying down. I’ll keep a careful watch from now on. [He rivets his attention on the Captain’s door.]
[PERIPLECTOMENUS now comes out of his house, again in an angry temper; but this time it is a calculated pretence.]
PERIPLECTOMENUS: By Hercules, these men of the Captain’s seem to take me for an old woman, the tricks they play on me. Someone has been assaulting and insulting my guest, a free and honest young girl who came here from Athens, with the young man who is visiting me.
SCELEDRUS: Now I’m for it. It’s me he’s making for; and it sounds as if there’s a pack of trouble coming to me over this business.
PERIPLECTOMENUS: I’ll have a word with this fellow… Hey you, Sceledrus, you arch-villain, was it you that was impertinent to my guest just now in front of this house?
SCELEDRUS: listen, please, mister -
PERIPLECTOMENUS: Listen to you? Why should I?
SCELEDRUS: I’d like to explain -
PERIPLECTOMENUS: Explain indeed? What explanation can there be for such rude and disgusting behaviour? You lawless troopers think you can take the law into your own hands, do you, rope’s end?
SCELEDRUS: May I speak, sir?
PERIPLECTOMENUS: By all the gods and goddesses above, if I’m not allowed to give you the punishment you deserve, twelve hours continuous flogging from morning till night, for having broken down my tiles and gutters, while chasing your partner in crime, that monkey of yours, and having peeped from up there on a guest of mine affectionately embracing her sweetheart, and having accused your master’s innocent mistress of misconduct and me of abominable iniquity, and having assaulted my lady guest before my own front door - if I can’t take the rope to you myself, I’ll see that your master is swamped in a tide of ignominy as high as the high seas at the height of a tempest.
SCELEDRUS: The truth is, sir, I’m that bothered I don’t know how to reason with you… unless… if this one isn’t that one, and that one isn’t this one… you may think there’s some excuse for me… the fact is I don’t know what I saw… that lady of yours is either exactly like ours… or else they’re the same person…
PERIPLECTOMENUS: Go in and see for yourself, then.
sceledrus: May I?
PERIPLECTOMENUS: That’s what I am telling you to do. Have a good look and make up your mind.
SCELEDRUS: Well, I will, then.
[He goes into Periplectomenus’s house. In the time it takes him to reach the door, knock, and obtain admission, PERIPLECTOMENUS has crossed to the Captain’s door to whisper to Philocomasium within.]
PERIPLECTOMENUS: Philocomasium! Skip across to my house, immediately. And when Sceledrus has come out again, skip back double quick… I bet she’ll bungle it… If he doesn’t find her in there, it’ll be - ah, here he comes.
[SCELEDRUS returns, dumbfounded.]
SCELEDRUS: Almighty powers! It would pass the wit of gods to make one woman more exactly like another, without she’s the same person.
PERIPLECTOMENUS: Now what do you say?
SCELEDRUS: I’m a poor miserable sinner.
PERIPLECTOMENUS: Do you still think she’s your girl?
SCELEDRUS: She is, and yet she isn’t.
PERIPLECTOMENUS: You saw the one in my house?
SCELEDRUS: I did, and your friend with her, kissing and cuddling.
PERIPLECTOMENUS: And is she your master’s girl?
SCELEDRUS: I don’t know.
PERIPLECTOMENUS: Would you like to make sure?
SCELEDRUS: I would indeed.
PERIPLECTOMENUS: Go into your house, then, quickly, and see whether she’s still there.
SCELEDRUS: Yes, that’s a good idea. I will. I’ll be back in a jiffy.
[He goes into the Captain’s house.]
PERIPLECTOMENUS [chuckling]: Oh dear, oh dear, I never saw a man more neatly bamboozled. It’s marvellous… Here he comes.
[SCELEDRUS back again, nearly demented.]
SCELEDRUS: Oh Periplectomenus, for pity’s sake, by gods and men and my silly head and your merciful knees -
PERIPLECTOMENUS: What, what? You needn’t grovel.
SCELEDRUS: Have mercy on my ignorance and foolishness. Now I know I was blind, daft, and brainless. Philocomasium is in there!
PERIPLECTOMENUS: So, you miserable scoundrel, you’ve seen them both now, have you?
SCELEDRUS: Yes, I’ve seen them both.
PERIPLECTOMENUS: And now I’d like to see your master.
SCELEDRUS: Truly, sir, I confess I deserve the severest punishment; I admit I have committed an offence against your guest. But really I thought she was my master’s girl, and the Captain had made me her keeper. They’re so much alike, she and your young lady, two buckets of water out of the same well couldn’t be more alike. And it was me, too, that looked down into your house from the roof, I admit it.
PERIPLECTOMENUS; I should hope you do admit it, since I saw you myself. And there you saw my two guests, the lady and the gentleman, kissing each other, did you?
SCELEDRUS: I did. Well, I can’t deny what I saw, can I? But I thought it was Philocomasium I had seen.
PERIPLECTOMENUS: And is that what you think of me? Do you take me for such a despicable scoundrel as to allow an insult of that kind to be offered to my friend and neighbour in my own house, with my knowledge?
SCELEDRUS: Well, no, sir; now that I see how things really are, I realize I acted foolishly. I meant no harm.
PERIPLECTOMENUS: You acted very presumptuously. A slave ought to keep his eyes, hands, and tongue under control.
SCELEDRUS: I promise you, if I ever again breathe a word about anything, even what I know for certain, you can give me to the hangman. I put myself in your hands, and beg you to forgive me this time.
PERIPLECTOMENUS: Well… I will do my best to believe you meant no harm… I forgive you.
SCELEDRUS: God bless you, sir.
PERIPLECTOMENUS: And by Jupiter, if you want the gods to bless you, you’ll keep a watch on your tongue from now on, and make sure you don’t know whatever it is you do know, and haven’t seen whatever you have seen.
SCELEDRUS: That’s good advice, sir; that’s just what I will do. Am I quite forgiven, then?
PERIPLECTOMENUS: Yes, yes; be off with you.
SCELEDRUS: There’s nothing else you want, sir?
PERIPLECTOMENUS: Only to see the last of you.
SCELEDRUS [aside]: He’s only having me on, I believe - pretending so kindly not to be angry with me. I know what he’s up to; he’s going to get me arrested at home as soon as the Captain comes back from town. It’s a plot between him and Palaestrio to have me thrown out and sold. I knew it; I’ve known it for some time. I can see the bait in that trap and I’m not touching it. I’ll do a bunk and lie doggo for a day or two, until tempers have cooled and all this commotion died down. I know I’ve earned enough punishment to pay for the sins of a whole people. However, for the time being, I’ll get back to where I belong. [He returns to the house.]
PERIPLECTOMENUS: So much for him. Upon my word, the man has less brains than a dead pig, the way he allowed himself to be persuaded that he didn’t see what he did see! He has capitulated to us now, at all events - eyes, ears, and mind. So far so good. The girl did her part in fine style too. Now I must get back to the council chamber, while Palaestrio is in my house, and Sceledrus has been disposed of. We shall have a quorum… but I must be there before the assignment of jobs begins or I might miss something. [He hurries back to his house.]
[After an interval, PALAESTRIO appears fiom Peripledomenus’s house; he is looking out cautiously, restraining his friends from following.]
PALAESTRIO: Don’t, come out just yet, sir, nor you, Pleusicles; let me scout around first, to make sure there’s no enemy lurking anywhere to overhear our conference. [He chatters on, while elaborately scrutinizing any possible hiding place.] Must make certain the ground is absolutely safe from surprise… can’t have any intruder pinching our plans. A well-laid plan is worse than no plan at all, if the enemy can make use of it. If it’s of any use to the enemy, it’s no use to you. People often have a perfectly good plan stolen under their noses, if they haven’t chosen the venue for their conference with sufficient care and circumspection… Oh yes, if the enemy gets to know your plan of campaign, he can use your plan of campaign to bind and gag you, and you find he has turned the tables on you. I’m just going to see if there’s anyone on this side… or on that side… laying a snare of ears about our deliberations… No, all’s well… an empty vista down to the far end of the street. I’ll call them out. Now then, Pleusicles and Periplectomenus, you can come out.
[They come out.]
PERIPLECTOMENUS: At your command.
PALAESTRIO: À pleasure to command such loyal subjects. But, in the first place, are we to act on the plan we have just been discussing?
PERIPLECTOMENUS: It’s by far the most practicable plan.
PALAESTRIO: What do you think, Pleusides?
PLEUSICLES: If you’re agreed, who am I to object? I couldn’t have any better counsellor than you, Palaestrio.
PALAESTRIO: That’s very nice and obliging of you, sir.
PERIPLECTOMENUS: He couldn’t say less, I’m sure.
PLEUSICLES: But I must say the prospect distresses me terribly, pains me heart and soul.
PERIPLECTOMENUS: What distresses you, I should like to know?
PLEUSICLES: That you, at your age, should be involved in a juvenile escapade of this sort; that I should be asking you to lend your efforts to save my face, to help me in my love affair; that you should be engaged in the sort of business which a man of your age should turn his back on, not encourage. I am ashamed to give you all this trouble - at your age.
PALAESTRIO: You’re a very unusual kind of lover, if you’re ashamed of what you’re doing. You’re no lover at all, sir; nothing but a shadow of a lover.
PLEUSICLES: Do you think I ought to bother him, at his age, with my love affair?
PERIPLECTOMENUS: Good God, man! Do you think I’ve got one foot in the grave already? You think I’ve lived long enough, do you, and ought to be in my coffin? I’m only fifty-four, let me tell you; I can see without spectacles, I’m nimble on my pins, and I can turn my hand to anything.
PALAESTRIO [to Pleusicles]: That’s true, you know; apart from his white hair, he doesn’t show a sign of age; he has all his faculties as good as new.
PLEUSICLES: I know that, Palaestrio, from my own experience. He has been as kind to me as any friend of my own age.
PERIPLECTOMENUS: I should hope so; and the more you try me, the better you’ll learn how helpful I can be to a young man in love.
PLEUSICLES : I have no need to learn what I know well already.
PERIPLECTOMENUS: No indeed, you’ve got the evidence in front of you and don’t need to look any further for it. It takes a man who has been a lover himself to see into a lover’s heart. For that matter, there’s some love in my own heart yet, and sap in my body; I’m not so dried up as to have said goodbye to all the delights and pleasures of life. Furthermore I can still be an agreeable table-companion and join in a witty argument without wanting to lay down the law or contradict my neighbours. I make a special point of not being a bore in company; I know how to take my share of the talking, and my share of silence too when it’s someone else’s turn to talk. I never cough, spit, or snuffle. Yes, sir, I’m an Ephesian, not an Apulian - or Animulian.
PALAESTRIO: A model of middle-aged manners - if his manners are all he claims them to be; a child of the nursery of Venus !
PERIPLECTOMENUS: Yes, I can show you a better exhibition of manners than I would care to claim credit for. You won’t find me making a pass at someone else’s girl at a party, or snatching plates of food, or grabbing the cup out of turn, or starting a drunken quarrel among the company. If anyone annoys me, I simply go home, have no more to do-with him. As long as I am in company, I like to make myself gracious, friendly, and agreeable.
PALAESTRIO: Grace and good manners are second nature to you, sir. Find me three such men of your kind and I’ll give their weight in gold for them.
PLEUSICLES: You won’t find one, of his age, more charming in every way, more delightful to have as a friend.
PERIPLECTOMENUS: Yes, I think I can convince you that I still have the spirit of youth, when you see what a good friend I can be to you in all circumstances. Do you need a counsellor at law -serious, forceful? I am at your service. Or one of gentler manner? I can be gentle as the untroubled sea, speak softer than the whisper of a summer breeze. A gay companion for the table? I’m your man. The perfect dinner guest, the most accomplished caterer -that’s me. And at a dance I’ll show a leg as light as any ballet-boy.
PALAESTRIO: What more talents than these could a man ask for, if he had the choice?
PLEUSICLES: What I would ask for would be the means to express the gratitude that his kindness deserves - and yours. I realize how much you are doing for me, and I hate to think how much I am costing you, sir.
PERIPLBCTOMENUS: Cost? Don’t be a fool, my boy. What you spend on an enemy, or a bad wife, that is cost; what you spend on a good friend, and a welcome guest, is all gain; so is what you spend on your duties to the gods - all gain, to any right way of thinking. Thanks to the good gods, I have the means to give you generous hospitality. Eat and drink, make yourself at home in my house and give yourself a good time. My house is a free house; and I’m a free man, thank God; I like to be alive. I was rich enough, by the grace of heaven, to get myself a rich and well-born wife; but no, thank you; I’m not having any barking bitch in this house.
PALAESTRIO : No? You don’t care for the joys of fatherhood, then?
PERIPLBCTOMENUS: I much prefer the joys of freedom.
PALAESTRIO : Ah well, no doubt you know what’s best for you -as well as for other people.
PERIPLBCTOMENUS: Oh yes; to marry a good wife, of course, would be very pleasant - if there were any place on earth where you could find one. But am I to saddle myself with the sort of woman… well, the sort of woman who’d never say ‘If you’ll buy me the wool, dear, I’ll make you a warm cosy wrap and some good winter vests to keep out the cold’… as if any wife ever did say such a thing! Instead of that, she’d be waking me up before cock-crow, with ‘Darling, it’s Mother’s Day; can you let me have some money to buy something for mother?’ or ‘I shall need some money to make jam’, ‘It’s Minerva’s day, I shall have to pay the fortune-teller, and the dream-caster and the soothsayer and the horoscopist; and I simply can’t not send anything to that woman who tells your character from your eyebrows; and I ought really to tip the wardrobe maid; and the laundry girl has been giving me black looks for some time for not having given her anything. Then there’s the midwife complaining that she has not been paid enough, and I hope you’re going to send something to the slave-children’s foster-mother. ’ All that sort of expense that women cost you is what keeps me from getting married and having to listen to that kind of talk.
PALAESTRIO : You can count yourself lucky, sir; once let go of your freedom and you don’t easily get it back again.
PLEUSICLES: All the same, it’s a fine thing for a man who is well off and well born, to raise up children, to perpetuate his own and his family’s name.
PERIPLECTOMENUS: What do I want with children? I have plenty of relatives. I’m quite happy as I am, I’ve got all I want, I live as I . please, I do as I like; and on my death my relatives will have my property to carve up between them. They’ll soon be all round me, taking care of me, calling to inquire how I am and whether they can do anything for me. They come already, as a matter of fact, before dawn, asking how I’ve slept. Children? huh!… my children are all the people who send me presents… people who, when they offer a sacrifice, invite me to the feast and feed me better than they do themselves… people who ask me to lunch or dinner. And there’s no one so sorry for himself as the poor devil who finds that he has given me less than the rest! So there they are, matching gift against gift, and I’m chuckling to myself; I know it’s my property they’re fishing for, with all this competition to nurse and coddle me.
PAIAESTRIO: You’re a wise one, sir, I will say, the way you look after number one. A good life, when all is said and done, is worth a family of twins and triplets.
PERIPLECTOMENUS: Oh my goodness, yes; children, if I had any, would have brought me a peck of trouble. I should never have had a moment’s peace. If a child were ill, I should have thought he was dying; if my son fell off his horse, or fell down drunk in the street, I’d be afraid he had broken his leg or his neck.
PLEUSICLES: If ever a man deserved wealth and long life, give me that man who knows how to conserve his wealth and look after his health and be of service to his friends.
PALAESTRIO: Bravo for a fine old gentleman!… You know, when I come to think of it, it’s a pity, upon my word it is, that the gods didn’t allot the gut of life to men on a less impartial scale. In the market, now, an honest overseer fixes the price of goods according to their merits - a good price for good merchandise that deserves it - and cuts down the seller’s price for any bad merchandise, in proportion to its deficiencies. In the same way, to be fair, the gods should have allotted to humans their appropriate share of life. A man of pleasant character should be given a long life; the villains and criminals should have their lives cut off short. If the gods had gone about it this way, there would he far fewer wicked men amongst us, and far less audacious law-breaking; and what’s more, life wouldn’t be so expensive for the honest men.
PERIPLECTOMENUS: No, no; it’s only a fool and an ignoramus who would arraign the gods and find fault with their designs. But enough of this; I must get off to market, so that I can provide you, my friend, with such hospitality as shall be worthy of us both, a hearty welcome and good hearty fare.
PLEUSICLES: I am more than satisfied with what you have done for me already. To have a guest, even your dearest friend, planted on you for three days together is something of an affliction; ten days of it must be a whole Iliad of afflictions. Even if the master puts up with it willingly, the servants grumble.
PERIPLECTOMENUS: My dear friend, my servants are taught to serve, not to give me orders or expect me to consider their convenience. If they don’t like what suits me - well, I’m skipper and they have to get on with it; they just have to do what they don’t like, and get cufls instead of thanks for it. Now for my shopping.
PLEUSICLES: If you must, sir; but please don’t kill the fatted calf; anything will do for me.
PERIPLECTOMENUS: Oh good heavens, you’re not going to sing that old song, are you? You’re talking like a lower-class person; the sort of person who, when he sits down at your table and food is put in front of him, says ‘Oh, you- shouldn’t have gone to all this expense for me; no, really, it’s ridiculous, there’s enough for ten people here’ - complains of what you’ve bought for him, and eats it up just the same.
PALAESTRIO : That’s it! That’s exactly what they do. The wise old bird, he doesn’t miss anything !
PERIPLECTOMENUS: And mark you, however high the table is heaped, you’ll never hear them say ‘No more of that, thank you… you can take this dish away… I shan’t need the ham, thanks… nor the pork… the conger will be very nice cold, you’d better remove it… go on, take it away. ’ Oh no, you won’t hear anything like that from one of them; they just fall to and sprawl all over the table in their eagerness to help themselves.
PALAESTRIO : You’ve a good manner of describing bad manners, sir.
PERIPLECTOMENUS: I haven’t said a hundredth part of what I could find to say if I had time.
PALAESTRIO: Yes… well… perhaps we ought now to turn our attention to the business in hand. Please listen to me, gentlemen. I shall need your help, sit, to carry out the ingenious ruse which I have devised for trimming Captain Curlylocks and assisting our loving feiend in his design of abducting and possessing his beloved Philocomasium.
PERIPLBCTOMENUS: Let’s hear the plan.
PALAESTRIO: Let’s have that ring of yours.
PERIPLECTOMENUS: My ring? What do you want that for?
PALAESTRIO: Give it me first, and then I’ll expound the structure of my stratagem.
PERIPLECTOMENUS: Very well, then; here it is. [Giving the ring.]
PALAESTRIO: And here is my stratagem.
PERIPLECTOMENUS: Our ears are wide open.
PALAESTRIO: The Captain, my master, is the most accomplished seducer that ever was or ever will be.
PERIPLECTOMENUS: I can quite believe that.
PALAESTRIO: His handsome features, he will tell you, surpass those of Alexander; and for that reason, so he says, all the wives of Ephesus are out to get him.
PERIPLECTOMENUS: I expect there are many husbands who sincerely hope you are wrong about him, but don’t doubt what you say for a moment. Continue, Palaestrio, and come to the point as quickly as possible.
PALAESTRIO: Do you think you could find a woman of desirable appearance, with a talent for practical joking and mischief?
PERIPLECTOMENUS: A freeborn woman, or a freed woman?
PALAESTRIO: Whichever you like, provided she has an eye to the main chance, is used to earning her keep by bodily work, and has some sense in her head; sensibility would be too much to expect, no woman has that.
PERIPLECTOMENUS: Ripe, or just budding?
PALAESTRIO: Well… juicy… as attractive as possible, and as young as possible.
PERIPLECTOMENUS: I know!… the very thing… a young protégée of mine… in the business. But what do you want her for?
PALAESTRIO: I want you to take her into your house, and produce her as your wife - all dressed up like a married woman, hair suitably done, ribbons and ringlets and so on; and you must coach her in the part.
PERIPLECTOMENUS: I don’t see what all this is leading up to.
PALAESTRIO: You will. By the way, has she got a maid?
PERIPLECTOMENUS: Oh yes, a very artful one too.
PALAESTRIO: We shall need her as well. Now listen: you must instruct the woman and her maid to pretend that she is your wife, and that she is swooning for love of this military man, and that she has given this ring to her attendant, and that she has given it to me, so that I can give it to the Captain, acting as a kind of go-between -
PERIPLECTOMENUS: You needn’t shout; I’m not deaf… The man is breaking my eardrums !
PALAESTRIO: Sorry. As I say, I shall give him the ring, pretending it was conveyed and entrusted to me by your wife as a means of introducing her to him. And being the sort of man he is, he will be in a frenzy to get at her; seducing women is the only thing the wretched man is interested in.
PERIPLECTOMENUS: Right. Set your mind at rest You couldn’t find two more attractive women, not anywhere under the sun, than the pair I shall produce for you.
PALAESTRIO: I’ll leave that to you, ’then. We shall want them as soon as possible. Now, Pleusides, a word with you.
PLEUSICLES: At your service.
PALAESTRIO: One important thing; when the Captain comes back, you must remember not to call Philocomasium by her real name.
PLEUSICLES: What must I call her?
PALAESTRIO: Honoria.
PLEUSICLES: Oh, of course, that’s the name we agreed on, isn’t it?
PALAESTRIO: ‘Nuff said. Off you go.
PLEUSICLES : I’ll remember. Still I don’t quite see why -
PALAESTRIO: I’ll explain later - when necessary; say no more now. The old gentleman has got his job to do; see that you do yours, when the time comes.
PLEUSICLES: Very well, I’ll go, then.
PALAESTRIO: And try to keep your mind on your instructions!
[PLEUSICLES goes back to the house.] This is going to be a rare old mix-up! I’ve got something moving now! If my troops are well trained, I shall get the girl out of the Captain’s clutches before the day is over. Now for that fellow Sceledrus. [He knocks and calls at the Captain’s door.] Sceledrus! Hey, Sceledrus, it’s Palaestrio here. Come out here, if you’re not too busy.
[A tipsy slave, LURCIO, comes out.]
LURCIO : You can’t have Sceledrus.
PALAESTRIO: Why can’t I?
LURCIO: He’s asleep… and swallowing.
PALAESTRIO : How can he be swallowing if he’s asleep?
LURCIO : Well… snoring. Snoring is a sort of… swallowing.
PALAESTRIO : Has he gone to bed, then?
LURCIO: All except his nose… that’s wide awake and talking.
PALAESTRIO: He must have helped himself to a cup or two on the sly, while making mulled wine in the cellar… Here you, rascal, if you’re his assistant cellar-man -
LURCIO: What do you want?
PALAESTRIO: How has Sceledrus managed to fall asleep?
LURCIO: By closing his eyes, I expect.
PALAESTRIO: Idiot! that’s no answer. Come here. Tell me the truth or you’re a dead man. Did you draw wine for him?
LURCIO: I did not.
PALAESTRIO: You deny it?
LURCIO: Of course I deny it… he told me to. I deny I filled a four-pint pitcher for him, and I deny he drank it off hot for his lunch.
PALAESTRIO: And you deny you drank any, I suppose?
LURCIO: So help me gods, I didn’t drink it. It was that hot, it burned my gullet, I had to toss it down in one gulp.
PALAESTRIO: So some people can soak themselves silly on the best wine, while others have to be content with vinegar-water. A fine cellarman and potboy we’ve got!
LURCIO: I bet you’d do the same in our place. You’re jealous you can’t join us.
PALAESTRIO: Has he ever helped himself to wine before? Answer me, scoundrel. And make no mistake, if you tell me a lie you’ll be strung up.
LURCIO: So that’s it, is it? You want to go and tell everybody what I told you… then I’ll be sacked from this cellar-tippling job… and you’ll take charge of it… with another potboy to help you.
PALAESTRIO: No, I won’t; indeed I won’t. Come on, you needn’t be afraid to tell me.
LURCIO : I’ve never seen him open a jar of wine - honest It was like this… he’d tell me to open one for him… and I’d go and open it.
PALAESTRIO: I thought there seemed to be a lot of jars standing empty on their heads !
LURCIO : Oh, bless you, no… it wasn’t us that knocked so many of them off their feet. It’s a bit slippery in some places in that cellar. There was a big two-quart pot there, close to them jars, like that… and this pot would often get its belly full ten times running… I’ve seen it, full, empty, full, empty. So most likely this big pot must have got rolling drunk and knocked over some of the little jars.
PALAESTRIO: Get along with you. You’ve all been getting rolling drunk in that cellar evidently. I’ll have to go myself and fetch the master back from town.
LURCIO : Oh my God! If the master comes home, and hears what’s been going on, he’ll hang me - for not telling him before. [Confidentially to the audience] I’ll get away somewhere, by heck, and put off the evil day. Don’t tell him [meaning Palaestrio], will you?… Promise… [He attempts to sneak off.]
PALAESTRIO: Here, where are you off to?
LURCIO : I’ve got to go somewhere for somebody. I’ll be back.
PALAESTRIO: Who has sent you?
LURCIO : Philocomasium.
PALAESTRIO: Oh; in that case, get along; and come back quickly.
LURCIO : All right… and [returning with an afterthought] if there’s any trouble being handed out while I’m away, you can have my share, and welcome.
[He goes off in the direction of the town.]
PALAESTRIO: I see now what the girl is up to. With Sceledrus asleep, she has sent her assistant warder off on an errand, so that she can hop across next door. Good enough… Now here comes Periplectomenus with the woman I asked him to find… [Seeing them come out of the house] a good looker, by Jove ! The gods are with us all right this time. She walks and dresses more like a lady than a paid woman. Everything’s turning out beautifully!
[PERIPLECTOMENUS has brought the girl ACROTELEUTIUM and her maid MILPHIDIPPA out of his house.]
PERIPLECTOMENUS: Now then, Acroteleutium, and you too, Milphidippa, I think I’ve explained the whole scheme to you. If you haven’t understood anything in the plan or the part you have to play, I’ll go over it again to make sure you’ve got it right. If you have, let us talk of something else.
ACROTELEUTIUM: I should be a dim-witted fool, sir, to hire myself out and offer to help you, if I didn’t know all the tricks of my trade.
PERIPLECTOMENUS: It’s always best to get your instructions quite clear.
ACROTELEUTIUM: Oh yes, a girl like me must have her instructions, everyone knows that Still, it was I, wasn’t it, that told you the best way to cook the Captain’s goose, the moment you started to speak to me?
PERIPLECTOMENUS: Yes… well… two heads are better than one. I’ve known people miss the best line of country through never knowing it was there.
ACROTELEUTIUM: You can take it from me, when a woman has mischief to do, her memory is infallible and indestructible. But for doing a good turn or keeping a promise, she’ll suddenly become so forgetful she can’t remember a thing about it.
PERIPLECTOMENUS: It’s the latter I’m afraid of, since you will be doing both things at once - doing me a good turn, and making mischief for the Captain.
ACROTELEUTIUM: As long as we don’t think about the good we’re doing, we’ll be all right !
PERIPLECTOMENUS: Oh, the wickedness of women!
ACROTELEUTIUM: Don’t you worry; it’s nothing to the wickedness of the men we have to deal with.
PERIPLECTOMENUS: I’m sure you’re equal to it Come this way, please.
PALAESTRIO [aside]: I’d better go and join them… Ah, sir, I’m glad you’ve got back… and with two such charming acquisitions.
PERIPLECTOMENUS: Ah, Palaestrio, you’re just the man we want to see. [Aside to him] I’ve got the girls you wanted, all present and correct.
PALAESTRIO: You’re a genius, sir… [He greets the women] Palaestrio presents his compliments to Acroteleutium.
ACROTELEUTIUM: Who is this, please? He seems to know my name already.
PEBIPLECTOMENUS: This is our master-planner.
ACROTELEUTIUM: Good morning, master-planner.
PALAESTRIO: Good morning to you, my dear. Now tell me, has this gentleman given you full instructions?
PERIPLECTOMENUS: They have both been thoroughly coached in their duties.
PALAESTRIO: I’d like to check that. I don’t want you making any mistakes.
PERIPLECTOMENUS: I haven’t added a word to the instructions you gave me.
ACROTELEUTIUM: You want me to take your Captain down a peg,
PALAESTRIO: That’s exactly it.
ACROTELEUTIUM: Then everything’s ready; everything is neatly, completely, precisely, and properly provided for.
PALAESTRIO: You will pretend that you’re this gentleman’s wife?
ACROTELEUTIUM: That is correct.
PALAESTRIO: And you will pretend you’ve taken a fancy to the Captain?
ACROTELEUTIUM: I will
PALAESTRIO: And you will pretend to be using me and your maid as your go-betweens in the affair?
ACROTELEUTIUM: Your prediction is perfect; you ought to be a soothsayer.
PALAESTRIO: And your maid is supposed to have given me this ring, from you, for me to give to the Captain, with your message to him?
ACROTELEUTIUM: That’s right.
PERIPLECTOMENUS: What is the point of going through all this again? They know it all well enough.
ACROTELEUTIUM: No, he’s quite right, sir. After all, when you’ve got a good master builder, it’s his job to lay the keel well and truly, then it’s easy to build the rest of the ship properly, once it has been well and truly laid down. Now this ship has been well and truly laid, and by good experienced craftsmen. As long as our provider doesn’t let us down, but gives us all we need, I know what we’re capable of) we shall soon have everything shipshape.
PALAESTRIO: And do you know my master?
ACROTELEUTIUM: What a question! Who doesn’t know that public pest, that big-mouthed menace to women, that scent-reeking hairdresser’s delight?
PALAESTRIO : And does he know you?
ACROTELEUTIUM: Of course he doesn’t. He has never seen me.
PALAESTRIO : So far, so good. I hope all will be as easy as it sounds.
ACROTELEUTIUM: Why don’t you just leave him to me, and stop worrying? If I don’t have him done to a turn, it’ll be my fault entirely.
PALAESTRIO : Good, then, in you go; and get to work with all your wits.
ACROTELEUTIUM: Trust us for that.
PALAESTRIO : Take them in, Periplectomenus. I’ll go and meet the Captain in the forum and give him this ring and say it’s from your wife and she’s mad about him. As soon as we get back, send the maid to us as if on a confidential errand from her.
PERIPLECTOMENUS: We’ll see to that. Off you go.
PALAESTRIO : Watch out, then, and I’ll soon have him here thoroughly primed.
PERIPLECTOMENUS: Have a nice walk; and good luck to you!
[PALAESTRIO goes off to the town.]
Now then, if I bring off this affair successfully, and work the trickso that my young friend can get the Captain’s girl, away from himand off to Athens - there’ll be a nice present waiting for you, mydear. ,
ACROTELEUTIUM: Is the girl herself taking any part in the business?
PERIPLECTOMENUS: Oh yes; she’s playing up beautifully, indeed brilliantly.
ACROTELEUTIUM: I’m sure everything will be all right, then. When we pool our talents for mischief-making, there will be no fear of our being outwitted by anyone else’s low cunning.
PERIPLECTOMENUS: Let us go in, then, shall we, and think it over carefully? We can’t afford to make any slip or mistake in what we have to do; there must be no hitch when the Captain turns up. Shall we go in?
ACROTELEUTIUM: I am only waiting for you, sir. [They return to the house.]
[A little later, PALAESTRIO has met his master in the forum, and now returns with him. As it turns out, he has not yet delivered the message and the ring, but the following scene can be assumed to be taking place at some distance from the house.]
PYRGOPOLYNICES: Yes, it is very satisfactory when your work goes smoothly and gives you no trouble. I have enlisted my troops to go and help Seleucus defend his kingdom - and I’ve sent them off in the charge of my dear friend Artotrogus; so now I can take a rest.
PALAESTRIO: What is more, sir, you can stop thinking about Seleucus and think of yourself. I am commissioned to put you in the way of a delightful new proposition.
PYRGOPOLYNICES: Indeed? Very well, I will put all other business aside and hear what you have to say. What is it? Consider my ears entirely at your disposal.
PALAESTRIO : Have a good look round first and see that there are no other ears lying in wait for us. My orders were to handle this affair with the utmost secrecy.
PYRGOPOLYNICES [having looked]: There’s no one about.
PALAESTRIO: In the first place, then, here is a love token for you. [Giving him the ring.]
PYRGOPOLYNICES: What’s this? Where did this come from?
PALAESTRIO: From a lovely and charming woman, one who loves you and passionately desires your handsome person. It was her maid that gave me that ring to give to you.
PYRGOPOLYNICES: What sort of woman is she? Freeborn, or a manumitted slave?
PALAESTRIO: Pah! As if I’d be bringing you messages from a freed woman, when you have more freeborn women running after you than you can cope with!
PYRGOPOLYNICES : Is she married?
PALAESTRIO: She is and she isn’t.
PYRGOPOLYNICES: She can’t be both married and unmarried, can she?
PALAESTRIO: Yes, because she’s young and her husband is old.
pyrgopolynices: Excellent.
PALAESTRIO: She is very charming and quite a lady to look at.
PYRGOPOLYNICES: I hope you are telling me the truth.
PALAESTRIO: She’s a perfect match for you, if ever I saw one.
PYRGOPOLYNICES: She must be a beauty indeed, in that case. Well, who is she?
PALAESTRIO: She is the wife of Periplectomenus, the old gentleman who lives next door to us. She’s dying of love for you, and wants to get away from her husband; she can’t stand the old man, and she has just told me to beg and implore you to give her the chance and the means to escape from him.
PYRGOPOLYNICES: By Hercules, I’ve a good mind to take her, if that is what she wants.
PALAESTRIO: Oh, she wants it all right.
PYRGOPOLYNICES: What can we do with that girl we’ve got at present?
PALAESTRIO : Tell her to clear off, of course. Tell her to go where she Ekes. As it happens, there’s this twin sister of hers, just arrived in Ephesus, with her mother; they’re looking for her.
PYRGOPOLYNICES: What? Is her mother in Ephesus?
PALAESTRIO: So I have heard, on good authority.
PYRGOPOLYNICES: Well, . by Hercules, mat’s a splendid opportunity to get rid of the girl.
PALAESTRIO: But you’d want to do it as nicely as possible, I suppose?
pyrgopolynices: How do you mean?
PALAESTRIO: I mean you’d want to remove her immediately but without any hard feelings on her part?
pyrgopolynices: Yes, I would.
PALAESTRIO: Then this is what I suggest you should do. You’re rich enough; tell her to keep all the jewellery and stuff you’ve provided for her. Tell her she can have them as a gift, and she’s free to go wherever she likes. -1002]
PYRGOPOLYNICES: Yes, that’s a good idea. But mind, I don’t want to let her go, and then have the other one changing her mind and giving me the slip.
PALAESTRIO: Oh go on, sir I As if she would. She’d give her eyes for you.
PYRGOPOLYNICES: Venus, I am yours!
[By this time they are near the Captain’s house.]
PALAESTRIO: Look out now! Someone is coming from next door. Keep out of sight over here… [They conceal themselves, as MIL-PHIDIPPA approaches.] This is the lady’s despatch-boat.
pyrgopolynices: Despatch-boat?
PALAESTRIO: The go-between. This is the maid who brought me the ring which I gave you.
PYRGOPOLYNICES: She’s a pretty little piece, too.
PALAESTRIO: But an ape, an ugly duckling, compared to her mistress. Look at her, all eyes and ears, like a hunter stalking his prey.
MILPHIDIPPA [perceiving that she is being watched]: So here is the arena; this is where I shall have to go through my tricks. I’ll pretend I haven’t seen them yet nor know they are here.
PYRGOPOLYNICES: Don’t say anything. Let’s listen first, and see whether she mentions my name.
MILPHIDIPPA [soliloquizing with the obvious intention of being heard]: I hope there are no busy bodies around here, watching to see what I’m doing - people with all day to spare and nothing better to do. I don’t want any person of that sort upsetting or interfering with my plans by popping out just when my mistress happens to be popping over to next door to visit the young gentleman she’s hoping to sleep with, the one she is breaking her poor heart over, that ever so attractive and ever so handsome Captain Pyrgopolynices.
PYRGOPOLYNICES: Do you think this one loves me too? She admires my appearance. Her language certainly needs no scrubbing.
PALAESTRIO: What do you mean by that, sir?
PYRGOPOLYNICES: She expresses herself so nicely - not an inelegant word.
PALAESTRIO: No description of you, sir, could contain any inelegant word.
PYRGOPOLYNICES: She is certainly a most charming and attractive girl. By Hercules, I feel tempted already, Palaestrio.
PALAESTRIO : What, before you’ve seen the other one?
PYRGOPOLYNICES: Ah, well, I take your word for her without seeing her. But this little… despatch-boat -I could easily fall in love with her, failing the other one.
PALAESTRIO: Oh no, you don’t! She is engaged to me. You marry the mistress today and this one becomes mine the same moment.
PYRGOPOLYNICES: In that case, why don’t you go and speak to her?
PALAESTRIO: Follow me, then.
PYRGOPOLYNICES: I am at your heels.
MILPHIDIPPA: What wouldn’t I give for a chance to meet the man I have come out to see !
[The men step back again into concealment, and PALAESTRIO speaks in a bud mysterious tone.]
PALAESTRIO: Fear not, be of good cheer, and your wish shall be granted. There is one near you who knows where you can find that which you are seeking.
MILPHIDIPPA: Who’s that? [Pretending to be startled.]
PALAESTRIO: One who is a co-partner in your councils and conversant with your counsels.
MILPHIDIPPA: Oh dear, then my secret is no longer a secret.
PALAESTSIO: Nay, secret it is, though secret it isn’t.
MILPHIDIPPA: How can that be?
PALAESTRIO: Your secret is safe from any untrustworthy ear. I am your trusted friend.
MILPHIDIPPA: If you are an associate of our sisterhood, give me the password.
PALAESTRIO: I know a lady loves a man. ’
MILPHIDIPPA: I know plenty.
PALAESTRIO: But they don’t all send gift-rings.
MILPHIDIPPA: NOW I understand; that explains everything. But is… anyone else… here?
PALAESTRIO: He is and he isn’t.
MILPHIDIPPA: Let me speak to you alone.
PALAESTRIO: Will it take long?
MILPHIDIPPA: Just a couple of words.
PALAESTRIO [to Pyrgopolynices, keeping him out of sight]: I’ll be back in a moment.
PYRGOPOLYNICES: And what am I supposed to do? Stand here doing nothing, like a heroic statue?
PALAESTRIO: Yes, just stand there and be patient, please. I’m doing the best I can for you.
PYRGOPOLYNICES: Well, hurry up. I’m suffering agonies.
PALAESTRIO: This class of goods has to be handled very circumspectly, as you well know.
PYRGOPOLYNICES: All right, all right, do it your own way.
PALAESTRIO [returning to Milphidippa]: The man has no more sense than a stone… Now then, here I am; what did you want to say?
MILPHIDIPPA [now inaudible to Pyrgopolynices]: I want your advice on how this Wall of Troy is to be scaled.
PALAESTRIO: You know - she is supposed to be swooning with love for him -
MILPHIDIPPA: Yes, I know all that.
PALAESTRIO: Tell him how handsome he is; praise his beautiful figure and talk about his noble courage.
MILPHIDIPPA: Oh, I’ve got my wits about me for that kind of thing, as I’ve proved to you before now.
PALAESTRIO: The rest is up to you. Keep your eyes open, and take any hint from me when stalking the prey.
PYRGOPOLYNICES [impatient]: Am I going to get a look-in any time today? Why don’t you come back here?
PALAESTRIO [returning]: Coming, sir. Now what do you want?
PYRGOPOLYNICES: What has she been saying to you?
PALAESTRIO: She says her mistress is weeping and wailing, crying her heart out in anguish and misery, poor soul, longing for you and not being able to see you;and now she has sent her maid to you.
PYRGOPOLYNICES: Let her approach me, then.
PALAESTRIO: NOW you know what you must do? Show a haughty disdain, as if you were not at all pleased. Pitch into me, for making you common property, as it were.
PYRGOPOLYNICES: Yes, that’s a good idea; I’ll do that
PALAESTRIO: Shall I call her, then? She’s looking for you.
PYRGOPOLYNICES: Tell her to approach, if she has any business with me.
PALAESTRIO: Approach, woman, if you have any business ‘with my master.
MILPHIDIPPA: My respects to you, handsome Captain.
PYRGOPOLYNICES: She uses a title I am accustomed to… May the gods give you all you desire, madam.
MILPHIDIPPA: All I desire is life with you -
PYRGOPOLYNICES: No, that is too much to ask.
MILPHIDIPPA: Oh, not for myself, sir - but for my mistress, who dies for love of you.
PYRGOPOLYNICES: As do many others, who cannot have their wish.
MILPHIDIPPA: Ay, indeed it is no wonder if you set a price upon your favours - with those handsome features, that noble figure, that fame for courage and daring deeds. Was ever a man more godlike?
PALAESTRIO [aside to her]: He’s not a man, my dear; a vulture is more of a man than he is, I should say.
PYRGOPOLYNICES [aside]: I’ll play high and mighty, since she admires me so.
PALAESTRIO : Look at him - strutting about like an idiot… Well sir? Won’t you answer her? Her mistress is the one I told you about.
PYRGOPOLYNICES: Which one is she? I get so many invitations, I can’t remember them all.
MILPHIDIPPA: I am from the one who robs her fingers to adorn yours. Didn’t I bring that ring from her who desires you, to him, who handed it to you?
PYRGOPOLYNICES: And what is your wish now, woman? Name it.
MILPHIDIPPA: That you spurn not the one who desires you, the one who has no life but in your life. On you alone it rests whether she is to live or die.
PYRGOPOLYNICES: And what is her wish?
MILPHIDIPPA: TO speak to you, to embrace you, to cover you with caresses; if you do not come to her aid, she will die of despair. Oh my hero, my Achilles, grant my prayer, save with your fair hand that fair lady. Great sacker of cities, slayer of kings, show forth your charity!
PYRGOPOLYNICES: Oh ye gods! what a bore it is. [To Pakestrio] You scoundrel, how many times have I forbidden you to offer my services to all and sundry?
PALAESTRIO: You see, woman? I have told you before and I tell you again: without his proper fee, this boar is not at the service of any and every female in the sty.
MILPHIDIPPA: Let him name his fee, and he shall have it.
PALAESTRIO: It will be one golden Philippic talent. He won’t take less from anyone.
MILPHIDIPPA: Ohl… oh, but… I mean, that’s too little, surely.
PYRGOPOLYNICES: Avarice was never in my nature. I have riches enough; I possess more than a thousand pecks of golden Philippics.
PALAESTRIO: And other treasure laid away… and heaps - no, mountains - of silver… higher than the peaks of Etna.
MILPHIDIPPA: Fancy!… What a liar!
PALAESTRIO [aside to Milphidippa]: That’s tickled him, eh?
MILPHIDIPPA: I’ve got him hooked, haven’t I?
PALAESTRIO: Nicely.
MILPHIDIPPA: But let me get away soon, for goodness sake.
PALAESTRIO [to Pyrgopolynices]: Won’t you give her an answer, sir, yes or. no?
MILPHIDIPPA: You cannot torment the poor lady so, who has never done you any harm.
PYRGOPOLYNICES: Please tell her to call on me herself. Say that I will… do all that she asks.
MILPHIDIPPA: Ah! now you act as is right and natural, sir. She wants you, so you want her…
PALAESTRIO [aside]: Clever girl!
MILPHIDIPPA:… and you haven’t the heart to scorn my pleading or refuse my request. [To Palaestrio] How am I doing?
PALAESTRIO: I’m laughing fit to burst. MILPHIDIPPA: I know; I daren’t look at you.
PYRGOPOLYNICES: Of course you cannot understand, my girl, how great an honour I am doing your mistress.
MILPHIDIPPA: Oh I do, and I will tell her so.
PALAESTRIO: He could get gold in plenty for his services anywhere else.
MILPHIDIPPA: I’m sure he could.
PALAESTRIO: The children he sires are all born warriors; his sons live for eight hundred years.
MILPHIDIPPA: Go on, you’re joking!
PYRGOPOLYNICES: They live out a thousand years, from generation to generation.
PALAESTRIO: Of course I understated it, sir, lest she should think I was telling her a lie.
MILPHIDIPPA: Glory be ! If his sons live that long, how long will he live?
PYRGOPOLYNICES: Woman, I was born on the day after Ops gave birth to Jupiter.
PALAESTRIO: If he had been born the day before, he’d be the king of heaven now.
MILPHIDIPPA: Ah, enough, enough, for pity’s sake I Only give me leave to depart with my life.
PALAESTRIO: Why not - since you have your answer?
MILPHIDIPPA: I’ll go, then, and bring you the lady for whom I have spoken. Have you any further wish, sir?
PYRGOPOLYNICES: Only that I may never grow more handsome than I am; my good looks are my curse…
PALAESTRIO: Well, what are you waiting for? Why don’t you go?
milphidippa: I’m going.
PALAESTRIO: And listen: when you give her the message, use all . your art and craft -
MILPHIDIPPA: I’ll make her heart beat faster, you’ll see!
PALAESTRIO [more quietly]: And if Philocomasium is there, tell her to come back home because he’s here.
MILPHIDIPPA: Oh yes, she’s in there with my mistress: they have been listening to our conversation from cover.
PALAESTRIO: That’s fine; that’ll put them on the right tack when they take the helm.
MILPHIDIPPA: Don’t stop me now; I must go.
PALAESTRIO [dallying with her]: I’m not stopping you… I’m not touching you… I’m not - [she shakes him off] all right.
PYRGOPOLYNICES: Tell her to come out here without delay, and I will give her my attention immediately.
MILPHIDIPPA goes in.]
Now, Palaestrio, what do you suggest I should do with that girl of mine? I can’t possibly have this other woman in the house until I have got rid of her.
PALAESTRIO: Why ask me what you should do? I’ve told you already how to do it as kindly as possible. Let her have all the gold and finery you’ve fitted her out with; tell her to take it, keep it, and remove it. Tell her this is her best chance of getting home because her mother and sister are here and they’ll be able to see her home safely.
PYRGOPOLYNICES: How do you know they are here?
PALAESTRIO: Because I have seen the sister myself.
PYRGOPOLYNICES: And has the sister seen her?
PALAESTRIO: Yes, she has.
PYRGOPOLYNICES: H’m… and this sister… is she… a likely wench, would you say?
PALAESTRIO: You want everything that’s going, don’t you?
PYRGOPOLYNICES: And the mother? Where did the girl say her mother was?
PALAESTRIO: Asleep on board, with bleary and swollen eyes -according to the sailor who brought them here. By the way, he is staying with our neighbours next door too.
PYRGOPOLYNICES: Oh? And what’s he? A likely lad, eh?
PALAESTRIO: Come off it, sir. You’d have made a rare stud stallion, the way you gallop after everything male and female. Keep your mind on this business.
PYRGOPOLYNICES: Yes… well, about your proposed plan, I think you had better have a word with the girl; you know how to talk to her.
PALAESTRIO: Wouldn’t it be much more suitable for you to approach her and put your own case for yourself? You could say you felt obliged to take a wife; your family were urging it, your friends were pushing you into it.
PYRGOPOLYNICES: Y ou really think so?
PALAESTRIO: I certainly do.
PYRGOPOLYNICES: Oh, very well, I’ll go and see her. You keep watch out here meanwhile, and give me a call when the lady comes out.
PALAESTRIO: I will. You have only to get the other business settled.
PYRGOPOLYNICES: It’s as good as settled. If she won’t go willingly, I’ll have her put out into the street.
PALAESTRIO: I wouldn’t do that, if I were you. Much better if you can persuade her to go with good grace. And, as I said, give her all those presents; let her take all the jewellery and pretty clothes you’ve set her up with.
PYRGOPOLYNICES: I hope to goodness she’ll agree.
PALAESTRIO: Oh, she’ll agree. Go on, then. Don’t wait any longer.
PYRGOPOLYNICES: I accept your commands.
[He goes in, rather reluctantly.]
PALAESTRIO: Well, what do you think of our amorous Captain now? Does he fit the description I gave you of him?… Now it’s about time for Acroteleutium to appear, or her maid, or Pleusicles… and by Jupiter, coincidence is playing into my hands every time! Here they come - the very people I most want to see.
[ACROTELEUTIUM, MILPHIDIPPA, and PLEUSICLES come out of the house cautiously.]
ACROTELEUTIUM: Come along, but be careful in case anyone is watching us.
MILPHIDIPPA: I don’t see anyone, except the one we want to see.
PALAESTRIO: And I want to see you.
MILPHIDIPPA: How’s it going, master-planner?
PALAESTRIO: I’m no master-planner.
MILPHIDIPPA: Ho! What do you mean?
PALAESTRIO : Compared with you I’m not fit to fix a bolt in a wall.
MILPHIDIPPA: What nonsense!
PALAESTRIO: You’re the wickedest wittiest word-spinner I ever saw… You should have seen how neatly she kidded the Captain.
MILPHIDIPPA: There’s more to be done yet.
PALAESTRIO: Don’t you worry; everything’s going as it should. It’s only necessary for you all to lend your kind assistance, as you are doing. Now, the Captain has gone in to persuade his mistress to clear out and go back to Athens with her mother and sister.
PLEUSICLES: Good!
PALAESTRIO: Yes, and he is giving her all the gold and clothes he had provided for her, as a gift, if only she’ll go. I thought of that.
PLEUSICLES: There should be no difficulty, then, if she wants to go and he is anxious to get rid of her.
PALAESTRIO : Ah but you know, when you’ve climbed out of a deep well nearly to the top, that’s the time when there’s the most danger of your falling down to the bottom again. We’re nearly at the top of the well now; but if the Captain smells a rat, we’re done for. Now is the time when we need all our art.
PALAESTRIO: As far as I can see, we’ve got plenty of fighting material on our side: three women, you, I, and the old man, six altogether. With the ingenuity of six brains to draw upon, I am sure we can devise tactics to take any town by storm.
PALAESTRIO: As long as you play your parts carefully.
ACROTELEUTIUM: We are here to receive your instructions.
PALAESTRIO: You are very kind. First, then, Acroteleutium, these are the orders for your department.
ACROTELEUTIUM: They shall be carried out to the best of my ability, colonel.
PALAESTRIO: I want the Captain neatly, sweetly, and completely spoofed.
ACROTELEUTIUM: That’ll be no task, but a pleasure, bless you!
PALAESTRIO: Do you know how you’re going to do it?
ACROTELEUTIUM: I presume I am to pretend to be devoured with passion for him.
PALAESTRIO: You’ve got it.
ACROTELEUTIUM: And that I love him so much that I want to marry him and leave my present husband.
PALAESTRIO: All correct. One more thing, though; you had better say that you have already divorced your husband, the old man has gone away, and this house is your own property; otherwise the Captain may have scruples about invading another man’s house.
ACROTELEUTIUM: That’s a good idea.
PALAESTRIO: Now when he comes out of his own house, where he is now, be rather distant with him, as if you thought little of your own charms compared to his or were overawed by his magnificence; at the same time compliment him on his good looks, his figure, his charm, his beauty.
ACROTELEUTIUM: I’ve got all that Will it do if I give a performance so immaculate that you can’t find a single fault in it?
PALAESTRIO: That’ll do. Now, Pleusicles, here are some instructions for you. As soon as she has done her bit and gone inside, I want you to turn up here in sailor’s rig; wear a broad-brimmed dark brown hat, a cloth patch over one eye, and you’d better have a dark brown cloak - that’s the usual colour for sailors - fastened on your left shoulder, one arm flapping free, and some sort of tight belt; contrive to look like a ship’s pilot. You will find the old man has got all these things in his house; he has fishermen in his employ.
PLEUSICLES: Yes, but what am I to do when I’m got up like that?
PALAESTRIO: You come here with a message for Philocomasium from her mother: if she’s going to Athens she is to come back with you to the port at once, and if she wants any luggage put on board, to have it taken to the ship; if she’s not coming, you’re going to weigh anchor as the wind is just right.
PLEUSICLES : A delightful scene ! Anything else?
PALAESTRIO: The Captain will immediately urge her to go, in fact to hurry, and not keep her mother waiting.
PLEUSICLES: You think of everything.
PALAESTRIO: I shall have told the girl to ask if she can have me to help carry the baggage to the harbour. ‘Palaestrio, ’ he’ll say, ‘go with the girl to the harbour. ’ Then I - in case you haven’t guessed -will be off and away with you to Athens.
PLEUSICLES: Where you won’t be a slave for another three days before I give you your freedom.
PALAESTRIO: Off you go and get togged up.
PLEUSICLES: No further instructions?
PALAESTRIO: Only don’t forget your part.
PLEUSICLES: I’ ll go, then. [He goes into the house.]
PALAESTRIO: You girls go in too, right away. He’ll be out here an minute now.
ACROTELEUTIUM: We’ll follow your orders like holy writ.
PALAESTRIO: Hurry, then; go.
[They go into the house.]
And pat, the door’s opening, and here he comes, looking very pleased with himself. He has gained his point; and now he’s lusting after a phantom, poor fool.
[PYRGOPOLYNICES comes out of his house.]
PYRGOPOLYNICES: I have persuaded Philocomasium to agree to my proposal, just as I wanted, in a friendly and amicable way.
PALAESTRIO: You were a long time about it. Why was that?
PYRGOPOLYNICES: You know, I never realized till now how much the girl loved me.
palaestrio: What!
PYRGOPOLYNICES: I had to talk and talk; she’s made of such stubborn stuff. But in the end I gained my point. I gave her all those presents, anything she wanted, anything she asked for. I also gave her you.
PALAESTRIO: Me!! How can I ever live without you, master?
PYRGOPOLYNICES: Cheer up. I’ll see that you get your freedom. I tried everything I could think of, to persuade her to go without taking you with her; but it was no use, she got me down.
PALAESTRIO [aside]: So may the gods get you… Well, after all, sir, bitter blow as it is for me to lose so excellent a master, I cannot but rejoice that the power of your attractive person, aided by my efforts, has brought you the happy association with our lady friend whom I shall now have the pleasure of introducing to you.
PYRGOPOLYNICES: Say no more, my dear fellow. You shall have your freedom, and a substantial sum, if you bring this affair off successfully.
PALAESTRIO: I shall bring it off.
PYRGOPOLYNICES: But hurry; I’m consumed with anticipation.
PALAESTRIO: Take it easy, sir, and control your passions. Ah, here she comes now… [They retire into hiding.]
[ACROTELEUTIUM and MILPHIDIPPA come out.]
MILPHIDIPPA: There is the Captain, madam, all ready for you.
ACROTELEUTIUM: Where?
MILPHIDIPPA: On your left.
ACROTELEUTIUM: Oh yes, I see him.
MILPHIDIPPA: Don’t look straight at him; we don’t want him to think we’ve seen him yet.
ACROTELEUTIUM: Yes, I can see him. Oh dear, now’s the time to make our artfulness more artful than ever.
MILPHIDIPPA: You had better begin.
ACROTELEUTIUM [now loudly]: Gracious, my dear, do you mean to say you’ve actually seen him?… [Quietly] Speak up now, and let him hear us.
MILPHIDIPPA: I’ve actually spoken to him, as naturally as you please, and as long as I liked; he put me quite at my ease, I had no difficulty at all.
PYRGOPOLYNICES: Do you hear that?
PALAESTRIO: I do. Your interview must have given her a lot of pleasure.
ACROTELEUTIUM: You are a lucky girl.
PYRGOPOLYNICES: They can’t resist me, can they?
PALAESTRIO: Of course they can’t.
ACROTELEUTIUM: It’s simply incredible that you should have been able to meet him and get him to listen to you. I’ve always heard he only receives requests in writing or through an ambassador, like a king.
MILPHIDIPPA: Oh, it wasn’t easy, I can tell you, to get an appointment and obtain his consent.
PALAESTRIO: What a reputation you have among the women, sir!
PYRGOPOLYNICES: If it is Venus’s will, I cannot prevent it.
ACROTELEUTIUM: It is Venus I have to thank, and I beg and beseech her to grant me the man whom I love and long for, and that he will be kind to me and not grudge me my desire.
MILPHIDIPPA: I pray that he will, too, though he is desired by many. But he scorns them all and puts them aside, all save you.
ACROTELEUTIUM: Ay, that is the fear that torments me; he is so hard to please, I dread lest his eyes should change his heart, once he has seen me, and my poor charms fail to satisfy his fastidious taste.
MILPHIDIPPA: You need have no fear of that, madam.
PYRGOPOLYNICES: She does herself little justice.
ACROTELEUTIUM: I hope you didn’t exaggerate my attractions.
MILPHIDIPPA: On the contrary, madam, I took care to give him an impression far short of the truth.
ACROTELEUTIUM: If he will not have me, by heaven, I will throw myself at his knees and beg for pity; if that fails and he still refuses me, I shall seek my death, for life without him I know I cannot endure.
PYRGOPOLYNICES: She must not die ! I must prevent her. Shall I go to her?
PALAESTRIO: Certainly not. You will only be cheapening yourself if you make the first move. Let her come to you. Let her be the one to ask and hope and wait. Do you want to lose your reputation? Don’t do anything so foolish. Only two men in the world - you and Phaon of Lesbos - ever had the luck to be so passionately loved by woman.
ACROTELEUTIUM: Am I to go in to him, Milpbidippa, or will you call him out here?
MILPHIDIPPA: Oh no, madam, we had better wait till someone comes.
ACROTELEUTIUM: I cannot wait. I’m going in.
MILPHIDIPPA: The door will be locked.
ACROTELEUTIUM: I shall break in.
MILPHIDIPPA: NO! You’re mad!
ACROTELEUTIUM: If he has ever loved, if his understanding is equal to his beauty, he will in his mercy pardon anything I may do for love of him.
PALAESTRIO: To be sure, the poor creature is consumed with love for you.
PYHGOPOLYNICES: The feeling is mutual.
PALAESTRIO: Sh! don’t let her hear you.
[ACROTELEUTIUM has approached the door, but pauses.]
MILPHIDIPPA: Why don’t you knock, then, madam, instead of standing there in a trance?
ACROTELEUTIUM: Because he whom I seek is not within.
MILPHIDIPPA: How do you know that?
ACROTELEUTIUM: My nose tells me so. If he were in, my nose would scent him.
PYRGOPOLYNICES: She is a diviner. Because she loves me, Venus has given her the gift of second sight.
ACROTELEUTIUM [sniffing]: Somewhere… somewhere near us is the man whom I desire to see… yes, it is his smell…
PYRGOPOLYNICES: Bless the woman! Her nose is a better guide than her eyes !
PALAESTRIO: Blinded with love.
ACROTELEUTIUM: Ah! For pity, hold me!
MILPHIDIPPA: What is it, madam?
ACROTELEUTIUM: Hold me, or I shall fall…
MILPHIDIPPA: What ails you?
ACROTELEUTIUM: I cannot stand. My mind reels at what I see…
MILPHIDIPPA: Then you’ve seen the Captain, I’ll be bound.
ACROTELEUTIUM: Yes, I have seen him.
MILPHIDIPPA: I don’t see him. “Where is he?
ACROTELEUTIUM: You do not love him, else you would see him.
MILPHIDIPPA: Nay, with your leave, madam, I could love him as much as you do.
PALAESTRIO: You see, sir, there is not a woman but loves you at first sight.
PYRGOPOLYNICES: Perhaps I have never told you, I am a grandson of Venus.
ACROTELEUTIUM: You go, Milphidippa my dear; go to him please, and speak to him.
PYRGOPOLYNICES: Poor thing, she is overawed by my presence.
PALAESTRIO: Here comes the maid…
MILPHIDIPPA: If you please, sirs, I would be glad -
PYRGOPOLYNICES: And so would we.
MILPHIDIPPA: As you bade me, sir, I have brought my mistress here.
PYRGOPOLYNICES: So I see.
MILPHIDIPPA: Won’t you ask her to come to you?
PYRGOPOLYNICES: Yes. To oblige you, I think I can find her more tolerable than some.
MILPHIDIPPA: She’ll be tongue-tied, I’m afraid, when she comes near you. Even at the sight of you, her eyes have struck her dumb.
PYRGOPOLYNICES: We must cure her of that ailment.
MILPHIDIPPA: You saw how she shook with fright the moment she set eyes on you.
PYRGOPOLYNICES: I have seen armed men do the same; it is not to be wondered at in a woman. What does she want me to do for her?
MILPHIDIPPA: To go into her house, sir; she wants to live with you and be yours for life.
PYRGOPOLYNICES: Go to a married woman’s house? And let her husband catch me there?
MILPHIDIPPA: She has already turned her husband out for your sake.
PYRGOPOLYNICES: How could she do that?
MILPHIDIPPA: Because the house is hers; it was part of her dowry.
PYRGOPOLYNICES: Is that so?
MILPHIDIPPA: I assure you it is.
PYRGOPOLYNICES: Tell her to go home; I will be with her shortly.
MILPHIDIPPA: I hope you will not keep her waiting long, sir; it will be torture to her.
PYRGOPOLYNICES: Indeed I won’t Away with you.
MILPHIDIPPA: We’ll go, then.
[She returns to her mistress and escorts her back to the house.]
PYRGOPOLYNICES [looking down the street]: Now what do I see?
PALAESTRIO: What do you see?
PYRGOPOLYNICES: Somebody coming this way - a sailor by his appearance.
PALAESTRIO: Yes, he is coming this way. He wants you, I expect Ah, this will be that shipmaster.
PYRGOPOLYNICES: Coming to look for the girl, eh?
palaestrio: I expect so.
[They remain in the background, while PLEUSICLES, suitably disguised, arrives from the town; he first speaks aside to the audience.]
PLEUSICLES: If I hadn’t heard of the many kinds of shady shifts that love has put men to, I’d have thought twice before walking the streets in this get-up, for love’s sake. However, many a man, I’ve been told, has done worse things than this for love - downright wicked things, too; need I remind you of Achilles leaving all his compatriots to die?… Hullo, there’s Palaestrio with the Captain. I must disguise my accent. [He assumes his ‘nautical’ character.] Blast it ! Women are the born daughters of delay. Lots of other things can keep a man waiting, but no waiting seems as long as waiting for women. Just their habit, I suppose. Now I’ve got to find this girl Philocomasium. Better knock at this door… Hey there, anyone in?
PALAESTRIO: Now then, young fellow, what’s to do? What are you knocking there for? Who do you want?
PLEUSICLES: I’m looking for a girl called Philocomasium. I’ve a message from her mother. She is to come now if she’s coming. We’re ready to cast off and she’s keeping us all waiting.
PYRGOPOLYNICES: We’ve been ready for you for some time. Palaestrio, go and get some men to help you carry all her baggage to the ship - gold and jewellery, clothes, and all her valuables. Everything I have given her is packed up and she can take the lot.
PLEUSICLES: And hurry, for God’s sake.
[PALAESTRIO goes into the house.]
PYRGOPOLYNICES: He won’t keep you waiting… Excuse my asking, but what has happened to your eye?
PLEUSICLES: Nothing’s happened to this one.
PYRGOPOLYNICES: The left, I mean.
PLEUSICLES: I lost it for love, if you want to know - too much loving, bedad, else it would be as good as the other… Can’t they hurry up?
PYRGOPOLYNICES: They are coming now.
[PHILOCOMASIUM comes out, greatly distressed, PALAESTRIO comforting her.]
PALAESTRIO: Try to stop crying now, there’s a good girl.
PHILOCOMASIUM: How can I help crying? Leaving the place where I’ve been so… happy…
PALAESTRIO: Look, here is the man come from your mother and sister.
PHILOCOMASIUM: Yes… I see him…
PYRGOPOLYNICES: Palaestrio!
PALAESTRIO: Sir?
PYRGOPOLYNICES: Why don’t you tell the men to bring all that baggage out?
[PALAESTRIO goes to the door and pretends to give orders within, but keeps an eye on the proceedings outside.]
PLEUSICLES: I’m glad to see you, Philocomasium.
PHILOCOMASIUM: I am glad to see you.
PLEUSICLES: Your mother and sister send their love to you.
PHILOCOMASIUM: I hope they are well
PLEUSICLES : They want you to come along at once, while the wind’s fair, so we can be off. They would have come with me, only your mother’s eyes are bad.
PHILOCOMASIUM: I’ll come… hard as it is… one must do one’s duty…
PLEUSICLES: I know; you’re a good girl -
PYRGOPOLYNICES: Living with me has taught her much.
PHILOCOMASIUM: Indeed you could sharpen any girl’s wits, sir…Oh, how can I bear to part from such a wonderful man!…Living with you gave me such… courage! Now I shall be just an ordinary girl.
PYRGOPOLYNICES: There, there, don’t cry.
PHILOCOMASIUM: I… can’t do anything else… when I look at you.
PYHGOPOLYNICES: No, no; cheer up.
PHILOCOMASIUM: No one but I knows what I suffer.
PALAESTRIO: Indeed, Philocomasium, I can understand what a happy life you had here, under the influence of that fine presence, that noble and manly character. Even I, a slave, cannot look at him without weeping to think how soon we are to be parted.
PHILOCOMASIUM: Please… may I… embrace you once before I go?
PYHGOPOLYNICES: You may.
PHILOCOMASIUM: Oh, light of my eyes… darling of my soul!
[She makes as if to embrace Pyrgopolynices, but swoons and is supported by PALAESTRIO, who passes her over to PLEUSICLES. ]
PALAESTRIO: Help!… Support the lady, or she may do herself harm.
PYRGOPOLYNICES: What has come over her?
PALAESTRIO: The pain of parting from you has shocked the poor girl out of her senses.
PYRGOPOLYNICES: Run in and fetch some water.
PALAESTRIO: Water won’t be necessary. Just let her rest. Don’t go too near her, please, while she is coming to.
PYRGOPOLYNICES [suspiciously]: I don’t see why they need have their heads so close together. Hey you, boatman, take your lips away from hers, confound you!
PLEUSICLES: I was trying to see if she was breathing.
PYRGOPOLYNICES: You should have used your ear.
PLEUSICLES: I’ll drop her, if you prefer it.
PYRGOPOLYNICES: No, no; keep hold of her.
[PALAESTRIO, to cause a diversion, begins to make his farewells to the household altar.]
PALAESTRIO: This is the saddest moment of my life…
PYRGOPOLYNICES [calling into the house]: Come along there, with all that baggage I’ve given her. [Slaves bring out the baggage during the following.]
PALAESTRIO: Once more I salute thee, God of our house, before I depart hence. And you, my comrades, fellow slaves of either sex, farewell and luck be with you; and speak, I pray you, well of me, though I be far away.
PYRGOPOLYNICES: Be a brave man, Palaestrio.
PALAESTRIO: I cannot help but weep… at leaving you…
PYRGOPOLYNICES: Don’t take it so hardly.
PALAESTRIO: No one but I knows what I suffer.
PHILOCOMASIUM [recovering]: Where am I? What has happened? What is that…? Ah, the blessed light!…
PLEUSICLES: Do you feel better now?
PHILOCOMASIUM: Ah! ! What man have I embraced? Ah, shame! Am I out of my mind?
PLEUSICLES: Have no fear… my darling.
PYRGOPOLYNICES: What is going on there?
PALAESTRIO: She’d just fainted, that’s all. [Aside to Pleusicles] Look out, or we shall be giving the game away if we’re not careful.
PYRGOPOLYNICES [partly hearing]: What’s that you say?
PALAESTRIO: I mean, all this stuff being carried after us through the town. People might say nasty things about you.
PYRGOPOLYNICES: TO hell with them. It’s my stuff I’m giving away, not theirs. Be on your way, and the gods be good to you.
PALAESTRIO: It’s you I was thinking of.
PYRGOPOLYNICES: I know, I know.
PALAESTRIO: Goodbye, then.
PYRGOPOLYNICES: Goodbye, and good luck.
PALAESTRIO [to the others]: Go on ahead, I’ll follow you. I must have a last word with my master.
[PLEUSICLES and PHILOCOMASIUM depart, with their attendants.]
You know, sir, you may not always have found me your most loyal slave; nevertheless I am deeply grateful to you for everything. In fact, if you had so wished it, I would have much preferred to be your slave than be beholden to anyone else for my freedom.
PYRGOPOLYNICES: Take it like a man.
PALAESTRIO: But oh, when I think of the new ways I shall have to get used to - how I shall have to learn ladylike manners, and forget the army life!
PYRGOPOLYNICES: Well, try to behave yourself.
PALAESTRIO: It will be difficult. I seem to have lost all taste for it.
PYRGOPOLYNICES: Now run. along, and don’t keep your friends waiting.
PALAESTRIO: This is goodbye, then.
PYRGOPOLYNICES: And good luck.
PALAESTRIO: Oh, and please be sure… if I do succeed in becoming a free man - I’ll send you word - please be sure you won’t forget me.
PYRGOPOLYNICES: As if I could.
PALAESTRIO: Remember, from time to time, how well I have served you. That way, I think, in time, you will come to know who were your good servants and who were the bad ones.
PYRGOPOLYNICES: I do know; I have often had occasion to know it.
PALAESTRIO: Then if you knew it before, today you’ll know it better than ever. I warrant you’ll have cause to thank me for this day’s work for many a day to come.
PYRGOPOLYNICES: Upon my word, I’ve a good mind to keep you.
PALAESTRIO: No, don’t do that. People will say that you are not to be trusted, that you’re a liar, that you go back on your word. I was the only loyal slave you ever had, they’ll say. Really, sir, I’d advise you to keep me if I thought you could do so with credit; but no, it cannot be done; don’t think of it.
PYRGOPOLYNICES: Well, you had better go.
PALAESTRIO: I’ll face it… come what may.
PYRGOPOLYNICES: Take care of yourself.
PALAESTRIO [choking back his uncontrollable emotion]: I’d better go…[He goes, hastily.]
PYRGOPOLYNICES: Goodbye!… I had always taken him to be the worst servant in my house, until this business. Now I see he is really devoted to me. Now I come to think of it, I was a fool to let him go… Ah, well… Now for my lady-love… Wait, though; I think I hear someone coming out.
[A young SLAVE appears in the doorway of Periplectomenus’s house, speaking to those within.]
SLAVE: I know what to do, you needn’t tell me; I’ll find him, anywhere on earth; I won’t give up till I’ve got on his tracks…
PYRGOPOLYNICES: This lad must be looking for me. I’ll go and meet him.
SLAVE: Ah, the very man I’m looking for. Greetings to you, most gracious hero, most magnificently blessed, most exceptionally beloved of the two divinities.
PYRGOPOLYNICES: What two divinities?
SLAVE: Mars and Venus.
pyrgopolynices: Clever boy!
SLAVE: The lady begs you to enter, she wants you, she’s looking for you, she’s anxiously awaiting you. Come to the rescue of a lady in love. Won’t you go in, sir? What are you waiting for?
pyrgopolynices: Yes, I’ll go.
[He goes in, and the sounds indicate that he is receiving an unex-pectedly warm welcome.]
SLAVE: There he goes; head first into the net The trap’s all ready for him. The old man is at his post, all set to tackle this self-fancying fornicator who thinks every woman Mis in love with him at first sight, when really he’s detested by man and woman alike. Hark at ’em ! I’m going in to join the fray.
[But the fray comes outside, led by PERIPLECTOMENUS, whose slaves drag Pyrgopolynices out of the house.]
PERIPLECTOMENUS: Bring him along. If he won’t come quietly, pick him up and throw him out. Toss him in the air, tear him limb from limb.
PYRGOPOLYNICES: Help! Mercy! Periplectomenus, I appeal to you.
PERIPLECTOMENUS: No use appealing to me… Have you got that knife good and sharp, Cario?
CARIO [a cook brandishing a knife]: Ay, ay, sir, it’s been thirsting long enough for a taste of blood from this bastard’s belly. We’ll soon have a string of baubles hanging round the little boy’s neck.
PYRGOPOLYNICES: Help!! They’re murdering me!
PERIPLECTOMENUS: Not yet; you speak too soon.
CARIO: Shall I get at him, sir?
PERIPLECTOMENUS: Not yet; he must be flogged first.
CARIO: Give it him hot, then.
[Slaves prepare to operate.]
PERIPLECTOMENUS: You dare to play fast and loose with another man’s wife, do you, you shameless monster?
PYRGOPOLYNICES: She offered herself to me, I swear she did.
PERIPLECTOMENUS: He’s lying. Beat him.
PYRGOPOLYNICES: No, wait! Let me explain.
PERIPLECTOMENUS [to slaves]: Get on with it.
PYRGOPOLYNICES: Please let me speak!
periplectomenus: Speak then.
PYRGOPOLYNICES: I was earnestly begged to go and see her.
PERIPLECTOMENUS: And you had no hesitation in going. Take that! [He starts the beating, and the slaves follow suit.]
PYRGOPOLYNICES: Oh!! Enough, enough!
CARIO: When does the carving begin?
PERIPLECTOMENUS: As soon as you like. Spread-eagle him, lay him out flat.
PYRGOPOLYNICES: Mercy, mercy! Hear me before he cuts!
PERIPLECTOMENUS: You may speak.
PYRGOPOLYNICES: It wasn’t my fault. I thought she was unmarried. That is what her maid, her bawd, told me.
PERIPLECTOMENUS: Take an oath. Swear that you will do no harm to any person for what you have suffered, for this day’s flogging, or for any flogging you may receive in the future, if we permit you, grandson of Venus, to depart from this place alive.
PYRGOPOLYNICES: I swear by Jupiter and Mars that I will do no harm to any man for this day’s flogging, and I acknowledge that it is deserved, and that I shall have been let off lightly for my offence if I am allowed to go from this place with my faculties intact.
PERIPLECTOMENUS: And if you break that oath?
PYRGOPOLYNICES: May I be impotent for life.
CARIO: Let’s give him another whacking, sir, and let him go.
PYRGOPOLYNICES: Heaven bless you, my man, for speaking up for me.
CARIO: It’ll be a hundred drachmas, please.
PYRGOPOLYNICES: What for?
CARIO: For letting you go from here a whole man, grand-sonny of Venus. A hundred drachmas, or you don’t get away, so don’t think it.
PYRGOPOLYNICES: You shall be paid.
CARIO: Sensible fellow. You can say goodbye to your tunic, cloak, and sword; you won’t be taking them with you. [He collects the perquisites.]
A SLAVE: Am I to give him another beating, or is it peace?
PYRGOPOLYNICES: I’m all in pieces with your beating. Spare me, for pity’s sake.
PERIPLECTOMENUS: Let him go.
PYRGOPOLYNICES: I thank you.
PERIPLECTOMENUS: But if ever I catch you here again, it’ll cost you all you’ve got.
PYRGOPOLYNICES: I have no more to say.
PERIPLECTOMENUS: Come along, Cario. [He and his servants retire.]
[As PYRGOPOLYNICES betakes himself painfully towards his house, he sees his slaves returning from the harbour, SCELEDRUS among them.]
PYRGOPOLYNICES: Here are my men coming back… Has Philo-
COMASIUM gone yet? Tell me, has she gone?
SCELEDRUS: Ay, some time ago.
PYRGOPOLYNICES: Curse it!
SCELEDRUS: You may well say so, when you know what I know That fellow with a patch over one eye… he was no sailor.
PYRGOPOLYNICES: Who was he, then?
SCELEDRUS: Philocomasium’s lover.
PYRGOPOLYNICES: How do you know that?
SCELEDRUS: It was obvious. They hadn’t hardly got outside the city gate when they started hugging and kissing each other.
PYRGOPOLYNICES: Fool, fool that I am! Now I see what an ass they’ve made of me; and it was Palaestrio, the double-dyed villain, that lured me into the trap…
Well, it was a fair catch, and justice has been done. Serve all lechers so, and lechery would grow less rife; the sinners would have more fear and mend their ways. Get you in… and [to the audience] now your thanks.
EXEUNT