Sonia ranted about our friends for the entire journey home, and it took all my strength not to bite. When she’s had a few too many cocktails, her aggression comes out to play and it was lucky we left the others back at the mall.
As soon as we reached the hotel, Sonia stormed off to our room and grabbed a bottle of prosecco from the insanely expensive mini bar and said petulantly, “I’m going to bed with the only company I need right now.”
As the door slammed behind her, it left me at peace for the first time since we arrived.
Finally, I can relax knowing she will probably pass out and wake up with no knowledge of this in the morning.
I shower and change into my loungewear and take my phone onto the balcony with a coffee I made from the machine in our room. Despite being close to ten pm, it’s only five pm at home and I have an overwhelming desire to speak to my mother.
“Hey, you look tired, my girl. Have you been drinking again?”
Mum says as soon as she answers, and I grin, loving seeing her friendly face, courtesy of FaceTime.
“Not really, but it is bedtime here.”
“Of course.” Mum smiles. “Are you having fun?”
“Yes, thanks. How are things there?”
She shrugs. “Quiet.”
“Where is everyone?”
“Freddie’s at a friend’s house, some guy called Marcus.”
“That’s normal.” I laugh because Freddie and Marcus could be twins who were separated at birth. If he’s not there, Marcus is at our house, and they are probably playing computer games as normal.
Mum carries on. “India is in her room. She says she must study, but she’s been in there for hours already.”
“She does that.” It makes me laugh. “She probably is studying. She’s just like her father. They get lost in what they’re doing and forget the time.”
Mum laughs. “You’ve got that right. Anyway, this home resembles a hotel. Jasper left at four am and told me he would be back around ten. Is that normal, or is because we’re here?”
She sounds a little hurt and I say gently, “Usual, I’m afraid. I’m a banking widow for five days a week and at the weekend he spends most of his time catching up with everything he couldn’t fit in during the week.”
“I don’t know how you put up with it.”
Mum shakes her head in disapproval, and I say quickly, “What about Saskia?”
“She went out with a friend to watch another one in a show.”
“That will be Millie. She’s at the Brit school and is always performing somewhere.”
Mum laughs. “I’m a little redundant if I’m honest. I doubt they even realise I’m here.”
“Now you know how I feel.” I make a joke of it, but it’s there deep inside me. The knowledge I am no longer required, and it hurts – a lot.
“So, tell me about Dubai. Is it magical?”
“Magical?” I laugh. “I suppose, although Sonia appears to have drunk all the magic and is now probably passed out in her room.”
“Still the same, then.” Mum purses her lips and shakes her head. “She should seek help for that ‘problem’ she has.”
I nod. “I agree. Maybe I can persuade her while I’m here.”
“You’re a good friend, Amanda.”
“If you say so.” I sigh and glance at the Cartier watch Jasper bought me, sparkling in the dusky light.
“I’m heading off to bed. Night mum and thanks.”
“I love you, darling. Enjoy yourself, you deserve it.”
As I cut the call, it’s with tears in my eyes. I deserve it, she says. Do I? I’m not sure I really deserve any of what I have because it’s all there by accident of marriage.
When have I ever worked hard in my life? Never. There are many people in the line before me who deserve a break like this, and I am definitely not one of them. I do what every other mother does. Care for her family, wash, cook and clean and make my husband’s life easier while he provides it all. Am I happy? Not really, and am I ungrateful? Never. I am always grateful, which is probably half the problem. I never really found Amanda Donovan and what she wanted from life. I thought I did, but now that reason is drifting away, I need to form a new one.
What does the future hold for a banking widow whose children are about to fly the nest? What happens when my husband retires, and I discover we have nothing in common after all? Life is changing quicker than I can deal with, and I’m unsure of the future. Is Sonia right and I am the lucky one? I wish it felt like that.
A sudden need to connect with my husband overwhelms me and against my better judgement, I reach for my phone. Despite the fact Jasper hates to be interrupted at work and detests FaceTime, I have an overwhelming desire to see him.
I almost think he’s not going to answer, but just as I hover over the ‘end’ button, his tired face fills my screen.
“Is there a problem?”
My heart lurches as I smile nervously. “No. I just missed you.”
“Oh.”
I don’t miss the spark of irritation in his eyes before he says with a sigh. “It’s crazy here.”
I peer past him and see the monitors scrolling haphazardly and say apologetically, “I know you hate to be interrupted, but well, it’s strange being here without you.”
His expression softens, and he smiles. “I miss you too.”
For some reason, that is enough for me, which shows how messy our marriage is now. He glances behind him and sighs heavily. “I should get back to it. Enjoy your break, darling. Buy yourself a memento in the mall. That should make you happy.”
He grins and then blows me a kiss before saying quickly, “See you when you get home. Love you.”
A blank screen receives my own response and I die a little inside. I feel like a selfish bitch because I’m unhappy with my life. Who wouldn’t be happy? Jasper devotes his time and attention to making money to keep us in comfort. To educate our children in the best way we can and provide us with an amazing home and no financial worries. Why do I want more than that?
I’ve concluded that the most important things in life cost nothing except thought and time. I am a poor recipient of that and buying the latest designer handbag or driving away from the showroom in a new custom-made car, holds none of the thrill that a simple loving act would have. I want my husband to give me some attention and that costs nothing at all.
As I curl up in the huge king size bed alone, I could well be at home because there is always a cold empty space beside me. Jasper often sleeps in one of the spare bedrooms if he gets home late and leaves early, which is increasingly more often these days. Unlike Sonia, I don’t worry that he’s having an affair because the only mistress in his life is the Stock Exchange. Will he burn out before I get my husband back, a shell of the person he was when I married him? Will we have things in common because aside from the kids, we don’t? Should I insist on his attention, or should I just bide my time, patiently waiting for my husband to notice me again?