I am so nervous. I can’t believe I’m doing this at all, especially not the day after I called time on my marriage.
When things ended with Connor, I was exhilarated, which was an emotion I wasn’t expecting at all. Sadness perhaps, grief, worry and despair, but never exhilaration.
I expect it’s the shock. Tomorrow may be different, but for now I’m excited. Connor and I talked well into the night. I listened to his reasoning but couldn’t accept it. It struck me that we existed more as acquaintances than lovers. We certainly weren’t friends and the way he has treated me for several years now can’t be forgotten in a hurry.
We slept in separate rooms, and he was out before I woke. A practical note on the kitchen counter telling me he was heading to Manchester on business and would be away for three days and that maybe I should use the time to calm down and think about what is best for Sally and our family.
If anything, it made me even more determined to end this marriage because, even faced with his own guilt he is trying to make me feel bad. For what? Over twenty years of dedication, loyalty, and love. Trying to make something work that was obvious a few years on from our marriage that it wasn’t working.
So, I have three days to change my life. It makes me giggle when I picture it as a film title. But this is no fabricated story for entertainment. This is my life and for once I am going to do something I would be scared of before. I’m going to tuck my wedding ring into my jewellery box and head out on a blind date. Just because I can.
* * *
Parmigiana is an Italian restaurant about a thirty-minute drive away and for the entire ride over, I’ve had second thoughts. The nerves have almost turned my car around several times and my heart has danced a guilty tango all the way here.
The fact I’m smartly dressed and styled my hair is unusual. I almost forgot I had a dress because leggings and sweatshirts have been my best friends for more years than I care to remember. I'm not ready to show the world the many curves I'm hiding, but when I tried on a dress I bought with next day delivery, I had to fight back my tears when I saw myself as the woman I had drifted away from years ago.
The clothes act like a shield because I feel amazing. I have really tried, and I hope it was worth it.
I edge inside the restaurant and note the dark, intimate atmosphere and swallow hard when the waitress peers up and smiles.
“May I help you?”
“I, um…” The words stick in my throat because what am I doing here and yet before I can turn and run, a low voice by my ear says, “Cathy, I’m sorry I’m late.”
I turn to stare at my side swipe and immediately recognise the rather rugged features of Jack Bennett, minus his Labrador. I instantly relax at the warmth from the twinkle in his eye and his slightly crooked smile of apology as he leans in and whispers, “I don’t know about you, but I’m uncharacteristically nervous.”
I nod and say with a shy smile, “Me too.”
He drops me a wink and turning to the waitress, says pleasantly, “Jack Bennett. We have a reservation for seven thirty.”
She consults her list and then nods, grabbing two menus from the desk.
“Of course, follow me.” She says brightly and Jack hangs back as I follow her through what I am sure are the curious stares of our fellow diners. They must realise I'm a married woman secretly seeing someone I met on the internet. It’s probably written all over my face and I should be told to leave at once. The fact the restaurant is in a place I have never been before is reassuring, but what if someone recognises me?
My heart is thumping as she shows us to a table set in the corner and I’m glad to sink down in my chair with my back to the restaurant. At least I can hide now. Hopefully until everyone else has left because what am I thinking?
Jack takes his seat opposite and smiles as the waitress hands us both a menu and says she’ll be back to take our drinks order.
Jack says in a low voice, “This is pretty scary, don’t you think?”
“I do.” I offer him a nervous smile and he says politely. “I’m Jack and you are Cathy, and we are doing nothing wrong. At least I hope we’re not.” He regards me with a quizzical grin, and I say in a rush. “No, we’re not, but I must tell you one thing before we continue.”
Now he looks worried, and I say in a whisper, “I am married but, well, recently separated.”
“Recently?” He says with a raised brow and I say apologetically. “Yesterday.”
The shock on his face causes me to say quickly, “Please don’t think badly of me. It took a short trip away with my friends to realise my marriage ended years ago. The fact I was dreading going home told me that and, well, if I’m honest, the relationship ended some time ago, but neither of us would admit it.”
He smiles, but I can tell he’s shaken, and I say quickly, “I’ll understand if you want me to leave. I just wanted to tell you because, well, you are the first man I’ve met since my husband over twenty-five years ago. The fact I downloaded the app was a big step that I needed to take to pull me out of my comfort zone.”
Jack shakes his head and says slowly, “My wife died three years ago. Just before she died, I discovered she was having an affair with my best friend. I lost them both within two days of finding out and it’s taught me one thing.”
I don’t know what to say. I’m so shocked and he says sadly, “That shit happens, and you need to push it aside and not dwell on it. Life’s too short and you don’t have time to waste on things that no longer work.”
“I’m so sorry.” I genuinely am because Jack appears a decent guy and he shrugs. “It had been going on for ten years. I felt like a fool. The entire time my life was a lie and I never even got to hear the full story. She told me on her death bed and then asked for my forgiveness.”
“Oh my God! What did you say?” I am so sorry for the man sitting before me and he shrugs. “I had no choice. Of course, I told her I forgave her, she was dying and was obviously setting things right, in her conscience, anyway.”
“Did you though?”
I’m intrigued, and he shakes his head.
“No. I was angry. Hurt. Broken. I was in pain from losing my wife, who I still had feelings for despite being angry with her, and I had to accept her death at the same time. Play the grieving husband in front of our family and friends all the time knowing our marriage was built on a lie.”
“It must have been incredibly painful.”
He nods. “It happened three years ago, and it’s taken me every single one to reach this point.”
“And the first person you meet lands a truth bomb on you that must have you questioning that decision.”
I am mortified and then startled when he leans forward and says in a low whisper, “It makes me like you even more.”
“Why?”
I’m shocked and he smiles sadly. “I appreciate your honesty. It’s something I value, especially after the lies my wife told. If anything, I admire you. It can’t have been easy to admit that, and if you want to talk about it, I’m a good listener.”
Just like that any doubts evaporate and as the waitress returns and asks for our drink order, we fall into an easy friendship as we order like any other couple, any concerns firmly drowned in shock and a desire to test the water a little and see where this date takes us.