I am the weakest woman I know. Ben always did have the ability to charm me into agreeing to anything and last night was no exception. We had such a lovely time at the pub. It was almost as if the past few years never happened, and we were together again. He was charming, funny, and sweet, and I was surprised at how quickly we fell back into our usual routine.
Now, as I wake up beside him, I hate myself. I’m a fool and don’t deserve to be happy. Who forgives their husband for cheating on them and running off with another woman as soon as they say sorry?
Me.
I do.
The weak, stupid fool who is obviously so desperate for attention, even his.
More than anything, I hate the way he looks so gorgeous, sleeping beside me as if I have woken from a bad dream, not reality.
The more I dwell on what happened after he left, the more I hate myself for letting him off so easily.
I suppose he caught me at a vulnerable moment, and I told myself he was leaving to go overseas, anyway. When he returns, I’ll be living in Dubai, but he doesn’t need to know that.
That knowledge makes me feel a lot better and so as he stirs, I say with a smile, “Morning.”
He opens his eyes and stares into mine with a lazy grin that always did make my heart flutter.
“Morning gorgeous.”
My heart thumps as his name for me reminds me when my life was perfect. At least I thought it was and as he reaches out and tucks my hair behind my ear, he whispers, “Thank you.”
“What for?” I really hope he’s not going to say for the sex because that would make me feel even worse, but he merely whispers, “For being you.”
For some reason, it causes tears to fill my eyes, and he says softly, “Hey, don’t cry. Please, I can’t bear it.”
I can’t help it because why did he have to ruin such a good thing and what happened after was a direct result of it? I couldn’t cope and I was vulnerable and let a predator in. I’ve had to live with that memory as well as the pain of losing the man I loved, and he doesn’t even realise what he did.
I sit up and wrap my arms around my bended knees and sob gently as the past comes back to bite and then I am pulled against his muscular chest and rocked like a baby as he whispers, “It’s ok, I’ve got you. Tell me what’s bothering you and I swear I’ll make it better.”
I say nothing and he says with a slight shake to his voice, “Is it me? What I did to you? I’m so sorry, Sammy, I really am. I don’t deserve to be here and if you say the word I’ll leave but I’ll never give up on us, please believe me because I’ve lost you once and I don’t think I can stand losing you again. Unless…”
His words are like white noise swirling around me, and I shake my head against his chest and mumble, “It’s not you.”
“Then what? Who?” His arms tighten around me, and it’s so good being in them. As if he can keep the world away, him included, and I’m telling myself this is for one moment in time. He leaves today and I will pick myself up and be the better woman. The one I should be who takes no shit, but I already realise I’m not. I’m weak and easily led, which is exactly what led me to this point.
I’m not sure how long we sit here for before he says gently, “I’m leaving today. I’m heading to the base where I’ll be deployed. I haven’t discovered where, but it’s not a drill. However, I can’t leave knowing you’re upset. Whatever it is, please tell me. If it’s me, I will do everything I can to make it up to you. If it’s something else, I need to know so I can help you.”
His words cause a fresh surge of tears and as I open my mouth, even I’m surprised at the words that come out.
“It’s Daniel.”
“Who?” He says in confusion, and I gulp, “Sonia’s husband Daniel.”
“What about him?” He sounds so confused and I drag in a deep breath and say with a wobble to my voice. “We were staying at a hotel in Suffolk for a few days and everyone was there, not long after you left.”
He nods. “I remember the invitation.”
“Well, I decided to go to take my mind off it all and yet when I saw how happy everyone was, it reminded me how unhappy I was.”
He strokes my back like he would a pet dog and I snuggle into his chest, feeling empty inside.
“I went back to my room and Daniel was coming the other way. He must have seen I’d been crying because he stopped and asked what was wrong.”
I gulp. “He was being so kind, and I never thought anything of it, but he took my arm and said he’d make sure I got back to my room.”
Ben stiffens against me and his heart thumps against my cheek as I whisper, “As soon as I opened the door, he pushed it wide and stepped inside the room. I was a little surprised, but he said he was checking it was safe. He was being so kind I didn’t say anything and watched as he opened the mini bar and poured us two vodkas. He told me it was to make everything better and like a fool, I believed him.”
I brush my tears away and my voice shakes as I whisper, “He was being so kind, funny, and sweet. He tried to make me laugh, and it felt good. I even told him I was ok to go back to the others, but he grabbed my hand and told me we could have our own party.”
A low growl rumbles against my ear and Ben’s heart thumps even louder, but he says nothing, and I sob, “I told him to stop, Ben. I told him I didn’t want to, but he carried on kissing me. He didn’t stop there, and I tried so hard to fight him off, but he was too strong.”
My tears splash against his skin as I unburden the darkest secret in my soul and I cry, “He forced himself on me and I was too weak to stop him.”
“He raped you.” Ben’s voice is calm, but he is anything but and I nod, saying in a whisper, “When he finished, he dressed and thanked me. He told me not to say anything because nobody would believe me, anyway. If Sonia found out, he would deny it and it would be his word against mine. I wanted him to leave so badly I agreed to get him to go. He reminded me that my friendship was at stake with the girls, and I should be flattered that he fancied me. Then he said casually that if I ever wanted a repeat performance, to call him. That now you had left, I could count on him to satisfy my needs.”
Still, Ben says nothing and my voice shakes as I say pathetically. “I hate myself.”
He shifts and pulls back, grasping my face in both hands, and stares deep into my eyes with a savage expression that terrifies me. His dark eyes are burning with fury as he hisses, “Never say that again. You are not to blame for any of it and if anyone is hating anyone around here, it’s me. I hate what I did to you, and I hate what he did to you, but I promise you now, he will pay for what he did.”
“No Ben. Forget I ever mentioned it.”
I’m terrified as he growls, “Mentioned it. It’s not a conversation you had that was told in confidence, Sammy. He raped you and tried to bully you into saying nothing.”
“But it was years ago now. Leave it in the past where it belongs. I should never have told you.”
I try to wrench away but he is too strong, and he says in a softer tone, “I love you, sweetheart. I always have and I am so thankful that you told me. I just want you to know that I am not taking anything for granted. I will call, write, and pester you until you fall in love with me again. I promise you that. If you don’t want me, I will understand because I don’t deserve you and probably never did.”
He wipes away my tears with his thumbs and presses his lips to mine so gently it’s a like a shot of the purest oxygen. As we share a gentle kiss, it chases away the madness and makes me feel better about my decision last night.
Past and present merge and have no place in my future. That part of my life is done, and I’ve had closure of sorts. Now I will move forward with none of the baggage of my past and who knows if I’ll walk alone, or miracles can happen, and past mistakes can be forgiven and make us stronger in the future.