Excitement woke Colette early. The sky was still dark as her eyes opened. Even though she had just woken, her heart was beating fast with nerves and anticipation.
She turned to look at her husband as he slept on beside her, smiling as she thought of everything he meant to her.
She remembered her promise to cling to the good times, and do her best to forget the rest, even when it was difficult.
Hopefully, though, their fortunes were about to change.
Colette kissed him lightly before easing herself out of their bed. There was something she had to do. Something important that could change their lives for the better.
She padded quietly to the en-suite bathroom, her heart in her throat with every step. This was it. She was sure of it.
This was what she’d been waiting for.
She closed the door behind her and kneeled to open the cupboard below the sink and retrieve what she’d hidden there. Colette unwrapped the small pink box from the bag it had been sold in and stared at it. In the past, these tests had disappointed her. The moment she realized her period was late she’d rush out and buy one, hopeful she was pregnant, but she never was.
Which was why this time she’d waited a full month for her period to appear. It hadn’t, so Colette was certain that this time would be different. This time the result would be the one they wanted.
She sat on the toilet and had just put the cover back on the strip when Ed entered the en suite unexpectedly, rubbing his eyes.
“Oh, sorry, I didn’t...” he mumbled blearily, then paused when he saw what was in her hand.
Colette froze. This wasn’t how she wanted this to go. She had it all planned in her mind. She’d make reservations at their favorite restaurant and then at the end of the meal she’d reveal the happy news.
“What’s this?” he asked as he stared at her from the doorway.
“What does it look like?” she replied automatically, gently setting the wand on the vanity.
Ed stepped further into the room. “Darling—” he began, but Colette wouldn’t let him finish.
“My period is a full month late,” she announced. “I know I always rushed into taking the test before, but I didn’t this time. I waited. Still no sign,” she said eagerly. “So there has to be only one reason for that.”
He looked at her gently. “Well, one in particular, certainly.”
“I didn’t want to tell you until I was sure,” she explained.
He stepped closer and took her in his arms. “You should have, though. I’m keen to know if I’m about to be a dad.”
The excitement in his voice almost brought tears to Colette’s eyes. She knew Ed really wanted a baby, knew how important family was to him. It was to her, too. She’d wanted to make a family with him for so long. She was sure that time had finally come.
“I’ll wait with you,” he said, lowering the toilet seat cover and sitting on top of it. He pulled her onto his lap as they waited impatiently for the result to appear.
Colette’s leg bounced nervously and Ed placed a calming hand on her knee. “Take it easy,” he assured her. “Relax.”
She knew he was only trying to comfort her but there was no comfort for Colette at that moment. Within seconds she might finally be able to realize her life’s dream.
She was so nervous it was a miracle that it was only her leg twitching and not her entire body. She just wanted this so badly.
Finally, enough time passed for them to check. Before Colette could do so, Ed grabbed the test and looked at it. His face remained still as his eyes moved from the display to her face.
“Well?” she pleaded, desperate for him to smile as she grabbed at it to see for herself.
“I’m sorry...” he whispered.
Colette blinked rapidly. It couldn’t be right. Her period was a month late. Not days, weeks. A whole month.
“There has to be a mistake. A false negative, maybe,” she said as she stood and dropped the test in the bin. She grabbed the box again, scrambling for the instructions, even though at this stage, she knew them off by heart.
“Darling...” he began, gently moving toward her.
“No,” she said firmly. “I have to be pregnant.” She pulled out another box. She was going to do the test again. Ed stood by, helpless, as Colette took another wand out of its box.
“Darling, there’s no point,” he urged, but she wouldn’t listen. This couldn’t be right.
“Of course there’s a point.”
But a few minutes later, her heart broke afresh as again she was defeated. Not Pregnant, read the display. The test fell from Colette’s hand and Ed dropped to his knees in front of where she sat on the edge of the bath.
“I’m so sorry, my love.”
Her breath hitched as she fought against tears and lost. “Why?” she cried. “Why is it never my turn?”
He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her close. “It will be soon, I’m sure. Just not now.”
“Why not now?” Colette argued. “When? When am I going to get my wish? When do I get to be a mother? Like Noelle, or your sisters-in-law, and so many of our friends. What about me? What’s wrong with me?”
Now she was weeping openly. There was no hiding or containing the pain she felt. She’d got her hopes up and again they’d been dashed. They were always dashed.
She didn’t understand it. The doctors said there was nothing wrong with her. Nothing wrong with Ed either. It just wouldn’t happen.
Why?
“Come on,” he urged as he tried to pull Colette to her feet, but she wouldn’t budge. Undeterred, he picked her up in his arms instead and carried her to their bed.
He laid her down on top of the sheets and then sat down beside her.
“All I want is to be a mother,” she cried. “I want to give you children. I know you want to be a father, too. I’m sorry that I can’t seem to do it. So sorry I’ve failed you.”
“Stop that,” he chided, as he wrapped her tightly in his arms. “Don’t say that. You have never failed me. Not once. You are everything I ever wanted. The only thing. It doesn’t matter about children. I’m sure we’ll have them eventually. Just don’t ever say that you failed me, Colette. You couldn’t, even if you tried.”
“You don’t understand how I feel,” she wept as she looked into his eyes. “Every day I feel incomplete. It feels as if something is missing. I want a child.”
She tried to extricate herself from her husband’s grasp, but Ed wouldn’t let her go. He held her tight as she cried out her pain and disappointment.
She cried until tears no longer came.
Finally she stilled, too tired to move. She stared unseeingly at the curtains. The light of the sun was beginning to show behind them. It was Wednesday. She had to get ready for work but she didn’t want to go in today.
Ed stroked her hair. “There you go,” he whispered soothingly. “Better now.”
Colette was embarrassed. She’d never behaved like that before. She’d never allowed him to know how much pain she was in over her failure to conceive.
“I’m sorry,” she began, looking at him.
“Don’t.” Ed pulled her against his chest gently. “Don’t apologize for hurting. But maybe...maybe it’s a good idea to just let all this go for a while.”
His words gave her pause. “Let it go?”
“You know what I mean. That maybe we both stop trying so hard, and more importantly you stop beating yourself up about this. It hurts you to see the negative result, but it hurts me even more to see how much pain it causes you.” He turned her face toward him. “Do you have any idea what it does to me?”
Tears stung her eyes again. “I just want us to have a family.”
“We are a family. You and me. I don’t need a child, Colette. Quite frankly, if trying for one is going to do this to you, then I don’t want it at all.” He hugged her tightly. “All I want is you. I’d do anything for you.”
She couldn’t believe what he was saying. What about all the talk about family? A big family, with lots of children? Is he really willing to give that up?
“What about everything we talked about?” she said, still stunned by what her husband had said. It didn’t make sense in her mind.
“You’re the one who always wanted a family, really. You wanted one, so I wanted one. But if we can’t have one, it’s fine, too. We don’t need it. We have each other, don’t we?”
Colette didn’t know how to process this. Believing Ed would be so easy. And perhaps letting go of having a child was an easy solution, but it wasn’t something she believed she could do. She wanted a child. The desire was deep down in her soul.
She’d taken care of her nieces from time to time, even as she watched Noelle’s twins grow from a distance. Among Ed’s siblings’ children she was a favorite aunt, but that was it. An aunt. Not a mother.
“Always a godmother, never a mother,” she mimicked bitterly as her fingers played absently against Ed’s back.
“There’s nothing wrong with that either,” he said. “You are so great with children. Everyone knows that. But maybe it’s just not meant to be.”
“Don’t say that,” Colette responded as she pushed herself from his arms. “Don’t ever say that. I know I’m supposed to be a mother.”
“Colette...” Ed protested.
“No,” she interrupted. “I don’t accept that. I won’t.”
She rushed from the bed and over to the bathroom before Ed could reach her, slamming the door behind her and locking it. She could hear him at the door asking to be let in as she sat on the bath and once again began to cry.
How could Ed even say that to her? He knew what she wanted. He knew her heart. How could he just tell her it wasn’t for her? She hugged her knees as his voice became more urgent.
“Colette, let me in. Let me in now. Don’t do this. I’m sorry. Just open up.”
“Just go away,” she shouted back.
“Colette, please. This is ridiculous,” Ed retorted. “You aren’t a teenager. This isn’t the way to handle problems. You can’t hide away and expect the truth to just vanish. You have to face it. I know it isn’t easy. I know it’s not what you want, but you have to see what this is doing to you. What it’s doing to us.” Pain was in everything he said as his tone softened. “You think I want to say this to you? I don’t feel good about doing it, especially now, but I have to. I can’t watch you rip yourself apart anymore. I can’t watch you blame yourself for something that isn’t your fault. It just isn’t happening and we have to accept that.”
More tears erupted as she listened. This might be tearing them apart, but she couldn’t let go of it.
No matter how easy it was for Ed to get past this and decide a life without children was OK, it wasn’t for Colette. This was her dream.
Exhausted now, she slid onto the floor, resting her head on her arms as Ed continued to knock on the door.
“Just go away,” she pleaded softly. “Please go away.”