Chapter 3
I sure hope Principal Ort is in his office. Or is it her office? Guess I’ll find out soon enough.
This looks like it. I press the button on the door.
“It’s Kelvin Klosmo,” I say. “I’m a new student and—”
“Ah, yes!” the eyeball interrupts. “Mr. Klosmo! Come right in and have a seat. We’ve been expecting you.”
The door slides open and I step inside.
Hmm. Still no idea whether he is a she… or she is a he. Or both. Or neither.
“Hello, Kelvin. My name is Principal Ort, and I must say that we are very pleased to have you here at Sciriustrati Fibronoculareus Junior High School. VERY pleased! TREMENDOUSLY pleased! EXTRAORDINARILY pleased!”
“Wow. Thanks, I guess. But how do you even know who I am?”
“Who you are? Why, you’re Kelvin Klosmo—the only student in the entire school who has both parents serving as scientists on the space station. Which means, of course, that your parents are the two most brilliant scientific minds on your entire planet. I can’t even imagine what a genius you must be! We’re expecting incredible things from you, young man. INCREDIBLE things! MAGNIFICENT things! SPLENDIFEROUS things!”
Uh-oh. Splendiferous? I don’t even know what that means. You know that Mighty Mega Supergeniusness I told you about before? Well, I wasn’t being totally honest. I sort of forgot to mention that it hasn’t actually, you know, kicked in yet. It’s still stuck somewhere in the back of my brain, waiting for the right time to show itself. But I’m positive it’s only a matter of time. And I’m guessing it should happen pretty soon. Probably at the same time my voice changes. Only it’s going to hit me all at once, like some massive bolt of lightning. Or a nuclear explosion. I just hope I’m not going to the bathroom when it happens! Until then I’ve got to keep faking it. Sometimes it feels like my being a genius is the only reason anyone even notices me at school.
“Uh… well… I’m expecting big things from me, too. I guess.”
“Excellent! Now, where did I put your class schedule? Ah. Here it is. Let me just put on my reading glasses and take a look at which classroom you should be in at the moment.”
“Ah. There we go. Now let’s see… yes, here we are. Eleven twenty a.m. You should be having lunch in the cafeteria. And what an excellent way to begin your first day. Lunch Lady LL7000 always serves up delicious meals. DELICIOUS meals! DELECTIBLE meals! MELT-IN-YOUR-MOUTH meals! Let’s go. I’ll show you the way.”
As we get up to leave, I notice a picture frame on the desk. Maybe this will help me figure out if Principal Ort is a Mr. or a Mrs. Or a Miss. Or a Mx.
“Is that your family, Principal Ort?”
“Why, yes it is, Kelvin. How nice of you to ask. We’ve been happily married for one hundred thirty-six years. And we have a wonderful son and daughter. We’re both so proud.”
Nope. No help there. Principal Ort leads me down the deserted hallway to the cafeteria. “Well, here’s where I leave you for now,” he or she says. “Have a wonderful first day, Kelvin. A WONDERFUL day! A SPECTACULAR day! A SENSATIONAL day! I’m extremely excited to see what great things you accomplish here.”
And then it’s just me—and the cafeteria door.
Well, here goes nothing. What do I have to be afraid of, anyway? I’ve been to plenty of new schools. I mean, how different could this one really be?
