Chapter 17

Ugh… what happened?… Why am I in the dark?… And why do I feel like I was hit by a bus… and fell over a cliff… and landed in a truck full of broken glass… that then blew up?

Wait! The mind-transfer beam! Now I remember. I wonder if it worked. It’s so dark that I can’t see anything. I wonder if my eyes are open. I wonder if I even have eyes to open.

There! My vision is returning!

There I am, down below! Which means my mind is up here in the robot! YES! It worked! The brilliant mind of Erik Failenheimer now resides within one of the most powerful robots in the galaxy! Who would dare challenge me?! BWAHAHAHAHA!!!

I think I’ll take my new body out for a spin. Just a step to begin with.

It feels like I took a step. A really little one. But the robot didn’t move. This might take some getting used to. Let’s try flapping the arms.

Hmm. Maybe if I try bending over and touching my toes.

What is this?! I’m not hard and cold and metallic-I’m soft and warm and fuzzy!

Zarfloots!! I look like a chewed-up dog toy! Oh, this is just great. I’ll really strike fear into the masses now. And how do I even get down? Maybe there is something on the robot that I could…

NOOOOO! Drat these slippery, fuzzy feet! From ruler of the universe to a lifeless splat on some laboratory floor in deep space. Life just isn’t fair.

Hey! What do you know? I guess that’s one advantage over my old body. Wait! My old body! I’ve got to get it out of here before anyone sees it. But… it’s gone! I must have-I mean he must have wandered off. Just as well. At least I don’t have to worry about anyone finding-

Zarfloots! Someone is coming! I better play dead.

I hear voices. It sounds like they’re coming this way! Please just keep on walking. Please don’t…

… pick me up. Oh, wonderful! As if I haven’t been humiliated enough today, now I’m being manhandled by that insipid scientist. It’s okay, Erik. Just stay calm and motionless. You’ve made it this far. It can’t get any worse.

Seriously?! Why couldn’t that fall just have killed me? What’s going on now? Where is Klosmo taking me? It’s a bench. I guess this isn’t so terrible. Nothing bad ever happened to anybody lying on a bench.

Are you kidding me? How about you just throw me into a pit of starving alligators? Maybe run over me a few times with a lawn mower. Slather me with honey and toss me to a bear cub.

Hey, now! This turned out way better than I expected. I actually look rather handsome, if I do say so myself. Maybe this won’t be so bad after all.