Chapter Thirteen
“Oh, my God, T. What is on Jason’s mind?”
Traci shook her head as the two friends walked side-by-side with their Christmas shopping bags through the slushy Brooklyn streets.
“Girl, I don’t want to think about it.”
“Seems like Noah got a helluva lot going for him. Not only is he fine, but he’s crazy rich and can whip some ass when necessary.”
Traci bit back a snicker.
“And clearly he cares a lot about you, Traci. He gave you the key to his apartment, unpacked his baggage, and accepted yours. Now that everything is out in the open, give it a real chance. I’d say he was a keeper.”
“We’re going to see his place in Philly on Sunday.”
“Nothing like living your dream,” Cara said.
“Yeah,” Traci wistfully agreed.
* * *
It was snowing lightly on the Sunday morning when Noah, Traci, and Anthony headed out to Philadelphia. The roads were pretty clear and they made good time. Traci didn’t know quite what to expect when they arrived, but her imagination never conjured up the reality of what she saw.
The club was, as Noah said, a reconverted three-story brownstone. The furnishings were being delivered. Noah gave Traci the full tour and she listened to his enthusiasm as he outlined his vision. Traci saw Noah in a new light. Yes, she knew and accepted that he was a wealthy and successful businessman, but now she witnessed up close and for real the man behind the growing empire. He was focused and no-nonsense. He knew what he wanted and got it. Yet, his interactions with the deliverymen and the vendors were as professional as if he had been dealing with CEOs from Fortune 500 companies. That said a lot about the kind of man Noah was. He treated everyone with an equal amount of respect and he got it back in return. He asked for her input about staging the space and what she, as a patron, would like to see. It meant a lot to her that he took what she suggested, weighed it, and actually implemented some of her suggestions. Jason would have never done that. Ever. Noah was a man of many talents and he loved her.
* * *
“Good that you fessed up, man,” Anthony was saying. He put his feet up on the ottoman and took a long swallow of beer. “And next time you plan on rolling up on somebody, you need to tell a brotha. Thought I was your ride or die.”
Noah chuckled. “Yeah, man, for sure. Had no idea that fool was gonna be there.” Just thinking about it ticked him off all over again. “All I had on my mind when I went tearing out of here was getting things straight with Traci.”
“I think she’s good for you, man.”
Noah’s brow rose in question.
“Yeah, I do. Since you’ve been with her, you actually seem happy and not tunnel-visioned on work. You’re easy again—almost human,” he added with a chuckle.
“Very funny.”
“Anyway, you sitting in tonight, right?”
“Yeah, last set.”
“Cool.” He put down his empty beer bottle and stood. “Okay, I’m out. I need to get over to the club. I’ll see you later.”
“Yeah.” Noah got up from the couch and walked Anthony to the door. “Around nine.”
Anthony put on his coat. “Later, man.” They shared a handshake and a one-armed hug and then Anthony left.
“‘Almost human,’” Noah murmured while he locked the doors. Maybe that was the reason why he was feeling the way he was feeling about Traci Long.
* * *
“Now I see why you can play that sax the way you do,” Traci said as she snuggled against Noah later that night in bed.
“Why is that?” he said with laughter in his voice.
“Cause you definitely know how to manipulate that sweet tongue and those luscious lips,” she said boldly and confidently.
“Hmm, is that right?” He rolled her onto her back and stared into her eyes. “I was thinking I needed a little more practice.”
“Really? Where are you planning to practice?”
He ran a finger from beneath her chin down to her belly. “All over you for starters.”
“Be. My. Guest.”
“I think I will.” And he practiced his craft for the next hour.
* * *
“Why don’t you just move in here?” Noah said as he held her close. He kissed the back of her neck.
Traci stiffened. “Move in? You mean give up my apartment completely?”
“Yeah.”
He pressed his palm flat against her stomach and cupped her breasts with his other hand.
“Noah . . . that’s a big step.”
“I know.”
She tried to look at him from over her shoulder. “Can I think about it?”
He paused. “Yeah, sure,” he finally said. He loosened his hold.
“Noah . . . why do you want me to move in with you?”
He pushed out a breath. “Look at me.”
Traci turned around.
“I’m falling in love with you, Traci.”
The air stuck in her throat. “Love me?” she whispered.
“Yeah.” He brushed the hair away from her face. “That’s why I want you with me. I’ve been fighting it, figuring it was just great sex—although the sex is off the charts—but that’s not it. I love you and I want you to know that you mean more to me than someone to spend the night with.”
“Not because you feel you have to protect me?”
“That’s what a man does for the woman he loves.”
Her throat tightened. “Noah . . .”
“Think about it.” He kissed her on her forehead. “In the meantime let’s get some sleep.” He kissed her on the lips this time, draped his arm around her waist, and closed his eyes.
Sleep for Traci was elusive. Throughout the night Noah’s declaration played in her head. Love. All the old insecurities came flooding to the surface. Jason said he’d loved her, too. All that he did was because he loved her, he’d said. But love hurt. For her, love always hurt. Her mother’s love hurt and her ex-husband’s love hurt. She squeezed her eyes tight and pressed her fist to her mouth to muffle any sound. “Give him a chance,” Cara’s words whispered in her ears. Even with all that she now knew about Noah, the man, she didn’t know if she could.
* * *
There was only one more week before the school semester ended and the holiday season was in full force. Traci still hadn’t given Noah an answer to his proposal of moving in with him. More important she had yet to say the three magic words herself. Since that night he hadn’t brought it up again or tried to pressure her in any way. She was grateful for that, but it still kept her on edge. She feared that at any moment the elephant in the room would make its presence known and she would finally have to respond. Cara told her that she deserved to be truly loved; and if she didn’t give herself a chance to experience it in full, she would always regret it.
Traci dismissed her class, congratulated them on a successful semester, and wished them a wonderful holiday. She packed up her things, and her thoughts quickly shifted to the fact that she had yet to select a Christmas gift for Noah. What did you give a man who apparently had everything: talent, multiple businesses, clothes, a car, and a fabulous apartment? She had barely two weeks before Christmas to come up with something. She checked the time on her cell phone. The dean had asked that she stop by his office after she dismissed her class. She hoped that he made it quick, since she had shopping to do.
She walked down the corridor and took the stairs to the ground floor, where the administration offices were located.
“Hi, Stephanie,” she said to the office clerk. “Last day at last,” she said with a smile. “Plans for the holiday?”
“I’m heading out of town to visit my folks in North Carolina. You?”
“I’ll be here, but the time off will definitely do me good. Is the dean in? He wanted to see me.”
“Yes, go right in. He’s expecting you.”
“Thanks. Happy holidays.”
“You too.”
Traci walked toward the dean’s office and waved to several of the office staff members on her way. She knocked on the partially opened door.
“Come in.”
“Hello, Dean Hanson.”
He pushed up from his seat and stood. “Traci, please have a seat.”
Dean Hanson was always cheerful and outgoing, lighting up every space that he entered, but today there was a reserve about him that was a bit out of character.
Traci hesitantly sat down.
Dean Hanson resumed his seat. He folded his hands on top of the desk and looked directly at her. “I won’t beat around the bush. You have definitely been an asset to the college. I’ve gotten great feedback from some of your students.”
Her heart began to pound and the room suddenly grew overly warm.
He cleared his throat. “We’ve reviewed our funding for the spring semester and we had to make some hard decisions. Unfortunately, we have to cut the theater arts program.”
What he was saying wouldn’t register. “Sir?”
“I won’t be able to renew your contract for the spring, Traci. I’m very sorry. I know this comes at an awful time with the holidays and all, but it can’t be helped. We’ve had to let several of the adjuncts go.” He paused. “I’m sorry.” He opened a folder on his desk and pulled out a sheet of paper. “I’ve written you a recommendation letter, and with your skills I know that you will find something to showcase your talents.” He handed over the paper.
Traci stared at it, but the words simply danced on the page. She lifted her chin and forced a smile. “I appreciate that, Dean Hanson.”
He stood. The meeting and her career had come to an abrupt end.
Traci managed to shake his hand, gather her things, and leave without falling apart. As she walked through the halls to the front door, the reality that it would be for the last time hit her, along with the cold blast of air when she stepped outside. What was she going to do? She did have money in her savings and her salary covered her living expenses, with little extra to spare. But how long could she live on her savings?
She started walking to the train station, oblivious to the sights and sounds of the approaching holiday. Her train ride was a blur and she nearly missed her stop. When she got off the L train, she walked aimlessly, knowing that she wasn’t ready to face being alone in her apartment. She thought about going to the CoffeeMate and seeing Noah, but he would know immediately that something was wrong and she wasn’t ready to face him yet, either.
When she looked up, she was in front of the Chadwick Theater. She stood on the opposite side of the street and was stunned to see men working on the building, hauling out worn chairs, tattered curtains, and old wood. She didn’t know whether she was happy that it was apparently going to open once more, or saddened by the notion that yet again someone was living his or her dream and hers continued to slip further away.
* * *
Traci sat in her chair by the window and looked out on the hustle and bustle below. She was going to have to find another job and quickly. Maybe she had enough to get her through January, but beyond that . . .
Her cell phone buzzed and shimmied across the table. She got up to get it, saw that it was Noah calling, and let the call go to voice mail. She put the phone back down, only for it to ring again. This time it was Cara.
“Hey,” Traci said.
“Gee, don’t sound so enthused. What’s up? You should be thrilled with the last day of classes.”
“My last day, period.”
“What does that mean?”
Traci went on to tell Cara about her meeting and the outcome.
“Oh, T, I am so sorry. I don’t even know what to say, girl. You want me to come over later?”
“No. I just want to be by myself for a bit. I have to think some things through.”
“Did you tell Noah?”
“No. I don’t want him feeling sorry for me and trying to come to my rescue. I need to figure this out on my own.”
“T, I know your financial situation. I know you love teaching, but the pay ain’t great. Maybe you should really consider Noah’s offer to move in,” she hedged.
“For all the wrong reasons, Cara. I don’t want my decision to be made because I’m desperate.”
“When are you going to be honest with yourself?”
“What do you mean?”
“The bottom line is you are still scared silly. You are terrified of getting close to anyone because of the asshole ex of yours. Not to mention mama dearest. But, T, Noah’s not like that and you know it. He loves you. He’s shown it. He’s proven it. You simply don’t want to accept it. But if you don’t, you’re going to lose a good man. And good men, men that are willing to stand up and be real men, are hard to come by. Don’t let the past stop your future.”
“I am scared, Cara.” Tears slowly slid over her lashes. “When I’m with him, the joy I feel is inexplicable. I want it. I want it to last . . . but every time I think, ‘I can do this. . . ,’ the past flashes in front of me.” She sniffed and wiped her eyes. “I do love him,” she whispered. “But I’m so afraid that once I admit that to him, I’m vulnerable all over again.”
“Sweetie, love is being vulnerable. Putting your heart and your spirit in the hands of someone else is all about vulnerability, about trust. That’s part of loving someone, trusting that they will treat your heart and your spirit with tenderness. You have a real chance to experience that with Noah, if you let him in.” She waited, and when she didn’t get a response, she said, “Well, that’s my lecture for today. I know you’ll make the right decision. Call me if you need me.”
“Thanks. I will.” She disconnected the call and put the phone down on the table. I love him. She’d actually said the words out loud, and the admission was like a boulder being lifted off her chest. A glimmer of hope, something just out of reach, danced in front of her. Now she had to decide if she was going to grab it or not.