Eli didn’t give me any choice. I had to lock her in her room. I’ve also had to make sure she slept for as much of the day as possible. I needed the time to think.
But I know I can’t keep relying on sedatives for much longer. I’ve taken chances by giving her such a high dose. All afternoon I’ve been panicking while she slept, terrified I’d gone too far. Given her too much. Hurt the baby.
If only she hadn’t been so aggressive with me last night. Hadn’t threatened to leave. If only she realised I have her best interests at heart. Stupid girl, thinking she knows what’s good for her better than I do.
I hear her talk to Kate on the phone. I can’t stop her from making that call, not without sounding every alarm bell going in her head. But it makes me uneasy.
It feels as if we’re both playing a game right now in which we both pretend everything’s normal. I can almost convince myself it is and that everything is okay, but then I look at her and I notice how she looks at me.
I notice how she flinches almost imperceptibly when I’m close to her, that something has shifted between us, and I’m not at all sure how or if I can shift it back.
I have a sinking feeling she knows something, but I don’t know what. And there’s no way for me to know for definite without asking her.
Of course if I ask her, and she doesn’t know what I’ve done, after all, it’ll only alert her to the fact that I’ve been lying. That I’ve done some things other people might consider to be bad.
Other people who just don’t understand.
It’s a no-win situation.
So now, this carefully constructed house of cards, which had been standing for more than thirty years, is in danger of coming crumbling down.
I know that if I lose her now, I’ll lose her forever. It’s all I can do to keep it together, and not fall to the floor and curl up into a ball to try to escape the voices in my head telling me my time is up.
I butter toast as Eli walks back into the room, call her over. I have to appear normal. Exude calm. She looks flustered as she sits down at the table.
‘I’ve buttered you the heel of the loaf, I know you like that the best,’ I say, handing her a plate and sitting opposite her.
‘Thanks,’ she says before picking at her food, mashing the scrambled egg with her fork, bringing it to her lips but not really eating much.
‘Kate sends her love. I’m going to go and see her tomorrow. She has some baby things she says I can have.’
She struggles to meet my eye. I feel myself tighten the grip on my knife and fork as my body tenses.
‘Sure, I’ve got us everything we need here. That room’s coming down with things.’
‘It’s nice of her to offer. I didn’t want to be rude and say no.’
‘And it’s a wee boy she has. What could she give you that would suit? I don’t know, Eliana. I’m not sure about her. I’ve told you. I think she’s not to be trusted.’
In fact, I know she’s not to be trusted. Hadn’t she let Eliana phone Martin from her house last night? He’d told me himself when he called at the door. The cheek of him. I’d been shocked when he showed up, asking to speak to Eli. I didn’t think he had it in him.
As if I’d let him over my threshold.
‘She’s out,’ I’d told him.
‘But her car’s there?’ he’d said, nodding towards his wife’s Nissan Note.
‘She does have legs, you know,’ I’d said tersely.
‘Well, maybe I could come in and wait for her?’ He’d raised his eyebrow hopefully.
‘I don’t think it’s a good idea,’ I’d told him, leaning just enough of my weight against the door so that he couldn’t push his way in if he tried. ‘She doesn’t want to talk to you, Martin.’
‘But she phoned me last night?’ he’d said, and it had clicked. She’d called him from Kate’s.
‘Well that was last night. She was very clear about her feelings this morning.’
‘Still, I’d rather wait,’ he’d said, moving to come in.
‘Martin, I want you to leave. If you don’t, I’ll call the police and report that you’re harassing both my daughter and me. I’m sure it won’t look good along with the allegations that you’ve been cheating and someone’s been threatening Eli over it all.’
‘Angela, you know that the allegations are unfounded. I think if you ask Eli, she’ll tell you she believes the same now.’
‘My daughter’s told me she doesn’t want you in her life and that’s all that matters to me, so why don’t you stop upsetting yourself and all of us and just leave.’
‘She’s my wife and she’s carrying my baby!’ he’d spat at me, angry.
‘And she’s my daughter and I swear to you, Martin, nothing in this world will make me allow you to hurt her any more.’
‘I’ve not done anything wrong,’ he’d shouted.
But the truth is he had done something wrong. He just selfishly didn’t realise it was me he’d wronged and not my daughter.
‘Just go,’ I’d told him, slamming the door and then panicking that the noise might have woken Eli.
I’d stood in silence in the hall for a moment, listening for any sign of movement upstairs. When it stayed quiet, I’d walked to my window and looked out, just in time to see Martin drive off.
But I know it’s only a matter of time before he comes back.
I have to deal with this once and for all.
‘Eli,’ I say, adopting my very best concerned-mother tone of voice. ‘I don’t want to upset you any further, but I can’t keep this from you either.’
She looks at me. Probably the first time she’s looked directly at me since our argument last night.
‘You need to know the truth.’