THE BAD POLLS ARE PROBABLY MOSTLY OR COMPLETELY FAKE

It’s dark.

The only light on in my presidential bedroom in the Washington, D.C., White House is from my phone and the TV.

A week ago the Gallup Poll said most Americans like Trump, which is obviously right. Now they say that 58 percent don’t like Trump. A week later? How can that be true? That can’t be true. As I warned everybody immediately after my inauguration, negative polls are fake news, the way all the polls were before the election. The press is trying to convince people to turn against me—“Look, he’s getting less popular so you should turn against Trump, too!” I think they’re also trying to mess with my mind, make me sad. Fortunately I’m extremely, extremely strong. And I do know the bad polls are probably mostly or completely fake.

I told Reince and Jeff Sessions again just yesterday that I wanted to be able to sue the polls and newspapers and fake news shows when they lie about me. Which they’re looking into. Like, right now, Forbes magazine, who I’ve been so nice to for so many years, posed for their cover so many times, sold so many magazines for them, I just saw on Twitter they released a new billionaire list. They say I fell from number 205 last year to number 544 now, which is a complete lie.

Fox & Friends just came on. You know, a lot of mornings I feel like Steve Doocy and the guy Brian really are my friends. Unlike the dishonest and failing Joe and Mika, who I was so nice to back when they were fair, but, boom, I just unfollowed them both on Twitter. It’s a privilege, not a right, Joe and Mika.

Rodrigo came in to wake me, but I told him I’d been awake for an hour, working—because writing this book really is important presidential work. History.

Like my Fox friend Steve just said on TV, the fake media and Democrats feel better about losing the election if they can say I’m “obsessed” with Obama, using “intelligence” to put surveillance on me during the campaign. I’m not obsessed. Why would I be? I won, nobody disagrees, I won so big, especially in the electoral college, where I won 60 percent of the votes, which is the same as President Reagan and FDR won of the popular vote. The only thing I’m obsessed with is getting the truth out about how Obama and Hillary tried to steal the election by wiretapping me and are now covering it up.

They’ll keep the hoax and cover-up going today at Chairman Núñez’s House committee hearings, where Comey and the head of the NSA will testify, and I have a very strong hunch they’ll both say they have no evidence of Obama’s wiretaps on me and that the FBI is investigating “Russia.”

Which is going to make me very, very, very angry. I need to get out in front of all that. Hit them before they hit me.

“James Clapper, head of ALL intelligence, above NSA and Comey at FBI, who I could fire, states there is NO EVIDENCE WHATSOEVER POTUS colluded with Russia, where I have no investments and no deals. This story is TOTALLY FAKE NEWS and everyone totally knows it!!!”

Wow. One hundred twenty characters too long. If I ran Twitter I’d make premium memberships so people could write longer ones. No wonder it’s not profitable.

Tweak, trim, and . . . tweet, wham bam!

Which, by the way, my friend Kanye West told me really is a brilliant line for a song. He’s started calling me “Mr. President DJ Trump” when we talk. He said it was okay if I started calling him “my nigga,” but we decided I should wait for my second term. Fantastic guy, Kanye.

Feeling better. It’s still dark outside.

“The pathetic Democrats who used to beg me for money totally made up the Russian story as their excuse for running Hillary’s terrible campaign, worst ever. Gigantic advantage in The Electoral College and STILL COULDN’T BEAT THE UNBEATABLE TRUMP!”

Tweak, trim, tweet.

It’s still dark. Feeling a lot better. Rodrigo just brought me my bacon, Ovaltine, and supplements and special vitamins.

I SHOT OFF ANOTHER TWEET before sunrise about finding the traitors and leakers on “Russia,” one more during Fox & Friends about CNN’s fake polls, then another during the secret underground walk to the West Wing about the Clinton campaign’s contacts with Russia. And then while I was watching Comey testify to Núñez on the 65-inch in the room next to the Oval, I did a tweet about that, like a Trump News bulletin—how the FBI director wouldn’t say he hadn’t told Obama about the wiretapped calls Flynn made totally without my knowledge to Russia. Wow.

I was glad when Comey announced they were reopening the investigation of Hillary’s dangerous and reckless and criminal e-mailing the week before the election, last fall—the American people demanded and deserved that. But since then I’ve realized he was actually doing Hillary and the Democrats a big favor—giving them an excuse for losing, which they would have done anyway. Why did the elite and the press think Comey was so great in the first place? Because he disobeyed a Republican White House, during Bush. Who appointed Comey? Obama. Who smiled when he told me not to hire General Flynn, so I’d think he was joking and hire him anyway? Obama. Who played so cagey when I phoned him, twice, to ask if he was investigating me and then testified to the committee today, twice, that he has “no information to support those tweets,” meaning my tweets about the wiretaps, calling me, his boss, a liar, and saying the word “tweets” like they were something dirty? Obama’s man Comey.

People say it would look terrible if I fired Comey. We’ll see about that. And that I can’t possibly go back and replace General McMaster with General Flynn as national security adviser. We’ll see about that, too. A president can do whatever he wants, even if most of them have been too scared to use their full powers, like Clark Kent if he never turned into Superman.

Later in the afternoon I had my first official meeting with my director of national intelligence. “Mike,” I said, “how much do we spend on intelligence, total, all in?”

“About eighty billion dollars a year, Mr. President. And it’s Dan, sir, not Mike, Dan Coats.”

“Right! Right!” Like Mike Pence he’s from Indiana, like Pence he also served in Congress, and he could be Mike’s brother they look so much alike—plus, my head of the CIA is named Mike, too, Mike Pompei, also was a congressman. It gets confusing. “So, Dan, you were in Congress your whole life, good Republican, great Republican, you know how things work, and now you oversee all intelligence for me, including the FBI. I want you to think about how we get Comey to stop wasting time and money investigating the Democrats’ fake Russian stories. We all want that, don’t we, Dan?” He had some interesting things to say about that—I just “listened” to the “tape” again—but for now I think I’ll keep what he said private.

“Different subject. Bigger subject. A plan I was discussing with one of my sons. We’re spitballing here, okay?” I didn’t tell him I meant my youngest son, because if he knew it was Barron’s idea he wouldn’t take it seriously. “Let’s say we use twenty billion dollars of that eighty to pay twenty thousand a year to a million foreigners all over the world, the right million people, what they call ‘assets,’ they all e-mail us everything they see and hear every week in Kiev or Burma or Africa, all million of them. And then our computers process all those e-mails. That’s twenty grand a year on average—more in Europe, lots less in Africa, et cetera. Tell me that wouldn’t be a much, much better system than we have now! And when we need the rough work done, well, we’ve got a million guys on retainer to choose from to help out with that.”

He nodded and wrote some notes.

“I was talking to one of my senior advisers about this, too, because she was saying her oldest child, the one with the Disney princess name, she’s almost six, wants to be a Brownie—a little Girl Scout, not a brownie you eat—but actually, my point is, it made me think of the cookies, when we were young, Dan, remember the cookies? So terrible, really bad. And, you know, people send boxes of Girl Scout cookies to the soldiers fighting in wherever, Vietnam, Iran, and the media shows these guys opening them up and crying, and the Girl Scouts think it’s because they’re so touched, but these guys are actually thinking, ‘I’m about to get blown up and my last meal is another box of fucking Thin Mints or Samoas?’—but, anyway, Girl Scout cookies are an amazing brand, not good but very successful, and this is my point about our intelligence network, my new idea, because they sell by completely covering the territory, right? So we need, like, a worldwide CIA Girl Scout spy network, my million spies. They don’t necessarily have to be good, they just have to be everywhere.”

I HEAR THAT SO MUCH FROM MY PEOPLE—WE’RE LOOKING INTO IT, MR. PRESIDENT.

Dan said it was “a very interesting vision,” and he’s going to look into it with his experts—the exact same thing he said when I asked him if the CIA killed Kennedy or any other presidents. He said it again a day or two later when I phoned to remind him to help stop Comey’s witch hunt. In fact, it’s the same answer I got from my White House counsel and Jeff Sessions about suing the fake media for their fake stories. I hear that so much from my people—We’re looking into it, Mr. President.

By the way, Barron really is the smartest eleven-year-old I’ve ever met. He just turned eleven, which I remembered even before the Google reminder he set up popped onto my screen, because his birthday is also the first day of spring. For my four previouschildren, I tried to make sure the birthdays happened in the fourth quarter, calendar year not fiscal year—the later in the year they’re born, the better a deal it is for you, since you get the tax deduction for the whole year no matter when they’re born. My first time out, Don Junior, I hit the bull’s-eye—December 31—and I did pretty great with two out of the next three. I love Eric, but Don Junior and I joke about how he always comes close but misses—and after his mother refused to have the C-section on New Year’s Eve, he came out right at the beginning of the next calendar year, worst possible timing taxwise. But my reasons for fall and early winter babies weren’t just financial—I always preferred to stop “conceiving” during the really hot and sweaty time, late June, July, August, even September. So we never did. I know a lot of people feel the same way.

Where was I?

Right—Obama, the wiretaps. See, I wasn’t even thinking about it for like the last ten minutes. Which proves I’m not “obsessed.”

In fact, I’m spending all of my time now doing everything I can to help Paul Ryan repeal the terrible, horrible, disgusting, scary, bad, complete, and total out-of-control failure Obamacare, and replacing it with our beautiful new plan. A plan that Ryan, by the way, strongly understands, even though it’s all so unbelievably detailed and complicated. It’s true that years ago, almost a year ago, at least four months ago, I said that he didn’t know how to win and that he’s a weak and ineffective leader—and privately I said worse!—but that was before I really got to know Paul.

By the way? One big reason I’m not “obsessed” with the other thing, once and for all proving I’m right about the wiretapping, is because that’s about to work itself out in a very interesting way, as Paul Ryan and Steve Bannon both just assured me.