EVERYONE NERVOUS EXCEPT ME

Did you notice the radical Islamic terrorists only killed people in England and Iran right after Trump left Europe and the Middle East? That wasn’t a coincidence. I keep everything around me safe. Another Trump “superpower.” The fake media didn’t write about that.

AS YOU’RE READING THIS MANY MONTHS OR MANY YEARS LATER, IT’S VERY POSSIBLE YOU DON’T EVEN REMEMBER ANY OF THE FAKE “RUSSIA” STORIES. BECAUSE THEY WERE FAKE.

And my tweets after the London attacks about their weak Islamic mayor and about my Muslim ban that my politically correct “Justice” Department wouldn’t do, those tweets were so great, so true, so honest, so important, so fantastic, so tough, from the heart, some of my best, no lawyers, no puppet. Everyone listening. Everyone nervous. Except me! And because of the radical Islamic terrorism, which I still say—radical Islamic terrorism, radical Islamic terrorism, radical Islamic terrorism—for days nobody paid attention to any of the fake Russia stories.

IN FACT, OVER THE SUMMER, as you know, the Russia business finally started to fade away. Which is why I didn’t accept Jeff Sessions’s nervous little offer to resign the first time he did it. Even though I think he did it and leaked it because he thought it’d make it harder for me to fire him later. By the way, it would’ve been nice if Jared had offered to resign, too. It would be nice if everyone offered to resign. Not that I’d accept them all, but it would show respect. And the ones I kept would be so grateful, they’d love their president even more. Management 101. But now I’ve got my own lawyers on the Russia hoax and the “obstruction of justice” case, guys I pay, led by this guy Kasowitz, worked for me on my casinos, on my divorces, on my libel suits, on my university, fantastic Roy Cohn type, scary-tough, and he’s put together a whole team, other scary-tough Jewish lawyers with glasses and good hair. So tough, so scary, the scariest and toughest, who hate the WASP phonies like Mueller as much as I do.

Anyhow, as you’re reading this many months or many years later, it’s very possible you don’t even remember any of the fake “Russia” stories. Because they were fake. As Rodrigo said to me this morning, “Ang kita sa bula something something something,” which means “What comes from bubbles will disappear in bubbles.” I think Rodrigo is the wisest man I have ever known, in a different way than Roy Cohn was wise.

I LET COMEY TESTIFY TO CONGRESS, to have his last bit of time in the spotlight, such a showboat, and leak our confidential conversations to the public, because I’m not worried. Except for his total lies about me, especially when he called me a liar, he totally vindicated me. By the way, one of the reasons I wanted to get rid of Comey is because I know he would’ve made a big stink about one of my secret projects. Which Jeff Sessions went ahead and arranged “on the down-low,” as Ivanka said when I visited New York City in June—in the federal prison in Brooklyn, I met for an hour with El Chapo, the Mexican drug lord, who’s a bad guy, yes, but also a very smart cookie, very tough, and very, very successful. They’re going to hate that I’m telling you about it here, but I think it’s important for Americans to know—one, how hard I work and so much of it is invisible to you; two, it proves I care about the issues of “incarceration”; and three, it proves I get along great with the Mexicans. Actually, El Chapo and I found out we had a lot of common ground—on the importance of loyalty and never giving up, and how much we both enjoy the love of the regular people.

THE FIRST LADY MOVED into the White House at the end of the school year. Everyone was saying how nice it is that we can finally be together. So true.

But having Barron around really is totally fantastic! He’s like an adult now, very much on my wavelength. I convinced his mother he needed to move to the White House permanently, go to a top school around here, become one of his dad’s advisers, maybe get school credit for that.

The First Lady agreed after spending a major amount of time discussing it, very major when “time” costs the $1, 200 an hour you’re paying lawyers to help figure it out. The First Lady will be living full-time in the White House, too, through January 21, 2021, depending on contingencies, et cetera, which is great.

I REALIZE NOW in a way I never did before I was president how much fake news there really is—and I don’t just mean Russia and negative polls. But the untrue stories about how our fantastic health plan and tax cuts will help rich people more than everyone else. Fake news. Or how the race car driver Ryan Newman, who loves Trump, didn’t win the Indy 500 this year—that he was beaten by some Japanese guy. Fake news. Just like right around the same time, in Belgium, after I told the NATO leaders to stop being freeloaders, the fake media just kept showing the clip of me saying hi to the head of Montenegro at our photo op, like I was being rude. Fake news. And like in Sicily, when Anthony and the rest of the Secret Service guys insisted, for security reasons, that I ride in a secure golf cart through the town instead of walking the half mile along with the other leaders (who nobody really wants to assassinate), the biased fake media used that to make me look bad, too. Fake news.

By the way, Montenegro wasn’t even officially a member of NATO then. Also, you probably didn’t realize that the Clintons broke Yugoslavia into like ten different countries, and three of them are now in NATO, which is so unfair, like if Vermont and Massachusetts and Connecticut were all allowed to join the UN. Also, speaking of Montenegro, it’s really barely even a country, less population than North Dakota, and the people are considered poor and lazy by people in the other, better former Yugoslavias, such as Slovenia. The biased American media never writes that.

Even the social media is biased, even though they don’t have “editors,” and even though Trump has made their businesses and they should be paying me royalties. No surprise, Twitter is headquartered in San Francisco, which voted 91 percent for Hillary, so they won’t admit that Trump has 135 million followers, not 35 million, more than Katy Perry or Barack Obama or anybody else. By the way, why do Khloé and Kourtney Kardashian and Kendall and Kylie Jenner all have almost exactly the same number of Twitter followers? Something’s going on, and we’re going to appoint a special social media commission, the first ever, to find out.

And speaking of fake media out to get Trump, I just found out they’re all set to prevent You Can’t Spell America Without Me from winning the Pulitzer Prize next spring. This book should be the first autobiography to win the Pulitzer since they gave it twenty years ago to Katharine Graham of the Washington Post, and should be the first book by a president to win in sixty years, since John F. Kennedy, whose book was actually written by a ghostwriter, unlike this one. But it turns out the Pulitzer Prizes are rigged, given out to the dishonest media by the dishonest media, not by the actual Pulitzer family I used to know in Palm Beach who make the nice Florida dresses. It’s all rigged against us. It’s all fake.