Since everybody except the fake media and the Democrats and paid protesters and Hillary finally realized that the Russia stories were a complete and total ruse and hoax—a hoax set up starting like three hundred years ago, I’ve recently heard, by what they call the Illuminati, so scary, so bad—I was finally “allowed” to meet with Putin, at the big European leaders meeting in Germany right after the Fourth of July. I knew from my special NSC chart that Putin isn’t a big guy, but for such a strong, strong, strong leader he is so unbelievably short, much shorter than my junior special presidential assistant, Barron, if you can believe it. At one of the photo sessions I tried to make Merkel and Putin stand back-to-back to prove she’s taller.
At my official meeting with Putin, I didnʼt want my national security adviser there, General McMaster, because the whole military thing wouldʼve given it a harsh vibe. “So I need to get this out of the way, Vladimir, okay?” I said. “Did you do it—ʻinterfereʼ with our election?” He said very vehemently, “No, I did not, absolutely not.” Then I asked him a second time, but in a totally different way—I stared into his eyes, deep, the way my mother taught me. She always said, “You stare into someoneʼs eyes, you donʼt flinch at all, and they canʼt help but tell you the truth.” Like when sheʼd go, “Don, did you take the ten dollars from my purse?” with the stare, I was done. Usually. So in Hamburg I did the staring thing with Putin the second time I asked—“You really werenʼt involved in our election at all?”—and he said again, “Absolutely not.” And I said, “Okay, good, but you know, we can’t have any doubt about our elections, especially since the fake news in America is still exaggerating about it, and Iʼll probably have to sign this sanctions bill, but okay, whatever, letʼs you and I move forward. In fact, letʼs figure out how we can do cybersecurity together. And destroy ISIS, and solve Syria. Okay?” He did ask me how Israel got that ISIS intel I told his foreign minister about in May, but I just smiled and made the zipped-lips motion, which is the same in Russian.
We also discussed history, how Germany had tried to destroy America and freedom, and he talked about how Russia and America had won World War II against the Germans together, which many people don’t realize, and wondered how Americans would feel if the Mexicans took back Texas and California, because those itsy-bitsy “NATO” countries up north all used to be part of Russia. We also had a chance to figure out why the two of us have such a strong natural bond, almost like brothers, aside from how we’re both strong and know the score. The toughest moments in both of our lives, the ones that didn’t kill us but made us stronger, happened right at the same time—the Soviet Union fell apart exactly when some of my companies were declaring “bankruptcy,” and people thought Trump and Putin were finished. And then the New York banks squeezed Russia just like they squeezed me, but we both came back, stronger and better and richer than ever, superpowers again.
We chatted some more at dinner that night for a few minutes or an hour or whatever, which the sick fake media pretended was bad. I can now reveal why I went over to talk with him. Putin was seated next to the First Lady, my First Lady, who actually used to be one of his citizens when it was all communist over there, he probably speaks some Slovenian, so when I looked over and saw them talking so closely, the First Lady laughing and enjoying herself like she almost never does, I realized I had a duty to go over and make sure nothing negative for America happened. But later in Hamburg, he and I had a final private moment together, and this was secret until now, just the two of us walking through the mist by the North Sea at night. I said, “Vladimir, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship,” but my Bogart impression wasn’t perfect, so he maybe didn’t completely get it.
THE FAKE MEDIA has been talking for days about a nothing meeting Don Junior had with some Russian lady more than a year ago, before Russia fever existed, before I was even nominated for president, and since this is a book about my presidency, quite frankly itʼs inappropriate to be talking about it here. Although for the record, even though heʼs also “Donald Trump,” the real Donald Trump did not know about that meeting, wouldnʼt have gone to that meeting, and if I had, wouldnʼt have switched my story about it twice in three days and put out my own e-mails that made me look bad—if I even used e-mails, which I donʼt, and this proves once and for all Iʼve always been very, very right about that.
Speaking of cyber, that Silicon Valley ninja who broke into the White House on Barronʼs birthday just pleaded guilty on the same day that Hawaiian judge with the white last name, Watson, which is the same as the biggest supercomputer, ruled against us again on the travel ban. And the Chinese all of a sudden decide to build their computer factory in Wisconsin. And Xi is calling me all the time telling me to calm down about North Korea. Something really is going on with the Orientals.
FINALLY GOT THE MOOCH HIRED! Heʼll fix our communications—so, Management 101 and Marketing 101. “The president has really good karma,” he announced on his first day, and “heʼs genuinely a wonderful human being.” Gotta love the Mooch!
THE MOOCH DIDNʼT WORK OUT, and because he never officially worked in the White House—thatʼs 100 percent true, you can look it up—he wasnʼt actually fired, so no harm no foul. Plus, I made him famous, just like I made Reince and Spicer and Omarosa famous, all so famous. I think theyʼre grateful. They should be.
CAN YOU BELIEVE that nobody wrote about how great we’ve done at the end of the first two hundred days? All the important legislation we passed, the most ever, not counting repeal and replace, which the Republicans couldnʼt get done, they let a guy with a terrible brain problem vote it down, McCain, Jesus, loser, disgraceful. And donʼt forget all the jobs we created, the most ever, keeping the illegals out, the highest stock market ever, no war, so amazing, so successful. Not a word. Fake media.