IT’S A CRAZY WORLD
They say it’s almost fall, and the calendar on my phone says September, but to be perfectly honest I have a very strong belief it’s still summer, I have a hunch somebody screwed up with daylight saving time, made it happen too early and is now covering it up; Wilbur Ross in the Commerce Department is looking into that. Because I think it was just this week that Ivanka was crying, telling me I couldn’t say what I wanted to say at the big African American convention, the N-word double-A battery double-dip double-stuffed for colored people, on the double—their convention is in the summer in Baltimore, I know that, that’s how I memorized it, because the blacks love the summer. My speech was about jobs, all the jobs I’m going to create, so many fantastic jobs, unemployment so low we’ll need to put children and elderly people to work, unemployment down to zero, I wanted to say to the blacks, “Work will set you free! Work will set you free!”—make it a new Trump chant, like “Lock her up! Lock her up!” but positive, like “America First,” and I said to my team when they got so upset, “Hey, I’m a very strong believer in hard work, I don’t know German, I don’t know ‘Free Fatty Arbuckle’ or whatever you say it is in German,” I never knew German, only my dad’s “Sieg ist mein” and a few others, but very, very few of the African Americans would know the concentration camp slogan anyway, I’m sure, because I didn’t.
Although if Ivanka hadnʼt stopped me from giving that speech, then afterward, during those fights between the protesters in Charlottesville, both sides, definitely both sides, the fake media would have brought that up to say that Trump is a “Nazi.” So Ivanka does have the Trump seeing-the-future superpower. Sheʼs got the super genes.
By the way, the leader in Charlottesville who likes Trump so much, Duke, the Duke of Hazzard with the plastic surgery, I have never met or spoken to him in my life. I donʼt think my father knew him either.
Speaking of Charlottesville and my father, he always said you have to realize the blacks are pissed off, permanently pissed off, even when theyʼre acting nice, which is also why he sometimes told me I was “acting like a spoiled little N-word,” except back then you could say the real word even if you werenʼt black. He said what people didnʼt realize is the welfare and the free apartments and all the rest made them even angrier, which is why they started rioting in the sixties, because although the handouts make liberals feel better, like theyʼre making up for slavery, the handouts are actually just continuing slavery, and it costs more—so lose-lose.
I took a lifeguard test in Queens one summer. Phil Adamo was the head lifeguard, and Phil told me how sometimes you need to smack the drowning man or he’ll bring you both down. So sometimes people in trouble, not just black people, I’m not racist, I’m the least racist person, they need a good smack to bring them back to self-respect. That’s Management 101, 102, 103, 104.
Anthony wasnʼt on duty during the Charlottesville weekend. Why?
I didn’t need Merkel telling me the “Nazis” in Charlottesville were “repulsive” and “evil,” or the CEOs, so ungrateful, and then my own top generals, the real ones, who run the Army and Navy, all five of them grandstanding about “Nazis” and “racists” to make me look bad—and doing it on social media, copying Trump! So weak.
Something is definitely going on.
BEST THING ABOUT THE SUMMER was no SNL, which is a show that I made successful after it was completely failing, and should have been canceled twenty-five years ago, but wasn’t, because Lorne Michaels, who’s a Canadian immigrant, maybe legal, maybe not, so ungrateful, must have terrible dirt on the executives at RCA and General Electric and Comcast. And I have a great sense of humor, but the hater Alec “Phone Message” Baldwin is so bad at playing me, like he’s doing Aldo Ray or somebody. He and his brothers were like the Bowery Boys of Long Island, famous losers, all big mouths and no balls, although the young one, Stephen, is good people. Before he went “born again,” I’m told he was like the David Bowie of Massapequa, grade A pervert, although that’s true of many of the born-agains before they become “born again.”
But my point is, the entire media, entertainment, the movies, even some of the telephone systems, the news, all of them always take such a terrible tone concerning President Trump, like all of them are pretending to be my father—almost all of them—saying I’m no good even though I’m actually not a bad person, so the hatred, such hatred, so much hatred, I hate the hatred, the constant hits, the anti-Trump, the viciousness and venom are like a disgusting epidemic. And the betrayal. So much betrayal of Trump, so many terrible people. As the Filipino people say in Tag-along, “Mahirap mamatay ang masamang damo,” meaning, “The weeds are difficult to kill.” But eventually you do kill them, and then it’s beautiful and perfect, like all my golf courses, not a single weed on the greens or even the fairways.
I said I wouldn’t brag anymore. But no golfer until now, ever in the history of this country, has ever shot eighteen straight holes in one. So unfair and sad we haven’t been able to talk about it. And I don’t just mean “sad” in the Twitter way. After Ivanka said I had to keep that score secret until I was out of office, when we release the taxes, I actually sobbed, first time since before I was a grown-up.
Why don’t they ever say, “Wow, he’s totally prevented nuclear, almost a year as president and no nuclear at all!” I talk the nuclear card, maybe that’s what got us victory, all options, all options on the table, you always have to have all options, but in the meantime I haven’t used it, haven’t played the card. Will I ever go to war? I hope not, maybe not, I don’t think so, probably not, could happen, not soon, but look, I don’t want to answer, I can’t answer, because national security but also they shouldn’t know, the war enemies, ISIS, Venezuela, Korea, Hawaii, so I don’t want to say I won’t or I will, which has been one of the problems with our country— I don’t want anyone to know what Trump is thinking, which they have ways of doing, very scary, actually they think they have ways of doing but we now have major, major scientific ways of preventing it in all of the White Houses, I can tell you that—from what I understand, my brilliant uncle at MIT, the great engineer John Trump, was one of the inventors of that. So we’ll give him a medal in 2018.
It’s a crazy world out there, so crazy, crazier all the time, I’ve never seen anything like it, the amount of press that I’m getting is just crazy, absolutely crazy, because I do know my subject, I’m prepared to take the test, you know, the pop quiz but also the final exam, and I do know our country couldn’t continue to do what it was doing. They didn’t respect us and they were laughing at us, laughing, laughing, laughing, that I can tell you.