HOORAY PRESIDENT TRUMP, HOORAY PRESIDENTE TRUMP, HOORAY PRESIDENT TRUMP IN RUSSIAN WITH THE CRAZY BACKWARD 3

My Tag-along proverb Rodrigo sent in with breakfast this morning was the best one yet. “Kung ano ang kailanman ay hindi mawasak mo bumili ka ng isa pang araw upang sirain ang iba.” That which does not destroy you buys you another day to destroy others.

By the way, remember last year when I was winning in Ohio or Indiana or Iowa, one of those, and I said I could shoot somebody in the middle of Fifth Avenue and I wouldn’t lose voters? Well, now I can tell you that wasn’t just a “figment of speech.” I once did shoot someone in the middle of Fifth Avenue—Fifth Avenue in Queens, College Point, near the water, 1966, summer, very late one night, like 3 a.m. in the morning, an argument with this guy who used to work for my dad, betrayed us very badly, we thought he was about to shoot me, and he didn’t die, I’m pretty positive. The statute of limitations means they can’t prosecute me, and even if they could they can’t prove it without me testifying against myself, which isn’t allowed because of the Fifth Amendment.

Whoa. Fifth Amendment. Fifth Avenue.

Right now I’m on Fifth Avenue in Manhattan. On the sixty-sixth floor of Trump Tower. The Northern White House.

Inside my special superprivate bedroom in my actual personal private penthouse, PPP, in my true Trump home, the one home totally built by Trump, the one named Trump, totally owned by Trump—as my junior special presidential assistant says, my “Fortress of Solitude.”

MITZI: Presidential to-do list

Song, “TRUE TRUMP / TOTALLY TOTALLY TOTALLY,” et cetera, invented and patented by President Trump 2017. You definitely got that, Mitzi? Okay, thank you. Mitzi, you’re so professional and so loyal. I totally trust you again.

Finally, I’m here in Trump Tower inside my own special fort, which I just built myself, like the ones I used to build in my bedroom on Midland Parkway, for me alone, but better now, with official presidential blankets draped over the chairs, and gold chairs, and like a week’s supply of Lays and Coke and all my special supplements and vitamins stored right here inside the fort, and my dad can’t rip it all apart when he comes home. And now my special secret superagent Anthony just outside the door isn’t some imaginary genie but a totally real genie with real guns who just arrived for his shift and has to die for me if necessary, which is so fantastic. One wall of this fort is glass, Trump Tower glass, dark so nobody can see in, the best glass, bulletproof glass, my window overlooking Fifth Avenue, so I’m looking down at all the beautiful Christmas lights now that it’s dark, because President Trump ended the War on Christmas, that’s what Hannity says and what everyone is saying.

Christmas! New Year’s! We’re almost at the end of my first three hundred days! Which the fake media won’t mention. I need to start planning 2018. Because as I always say, “If you want it done right you have to do it yourself.” Which I hear all the time now, but I was actually the first one to ever say it, just like “prime the pump for the economy,” which by the way I’ve done better than any president ever.

MITZI: Presidential planning 2018

NUMBER ONE: If I didn’t already get rid of Mueller, he might die accidentally, or at least get very sick, he’s older than me and so many Trump supporters are praying very hard against him.

NUMBER TWO: Comey will be locked up for perjury and leaking—Lock him up! Lock him up!—along with Hillary. I could pardon them, I’ll tweet about the possibility, but I won’t ever do it, and Hillary may die in prison.

NUMBER THREE: I will pardon Mike Flynn and Mike Pence, all of the Mikes, and all of the Steves, everybody in the White House, all the ones who stay loyal, because the president has unlimited presidential pardon power. PPP! And doesn’t that mean the president could even pardon the president? PPP! It’s probably never been done, but that’s what Trump does—what’s never been done before!

NUMBER FOUR: In 2018 the immigration guys will unfortunately have to deport Melania. It will be tragic. So tragic. But I can’t make an exception! She’s an illegal! I didn’t realize at the time! So sad as she returns home to Yugoslavia, sad, the Aeroflot 747taking off from Andrews, on all the TV channels, so sad, me and Barron waving bye-bye, maybe I even cry, one tear, close-up, bye-bye. My poll numbers go crazy.

NUMBER FIVE: Speaking of too bad, I won’t be able to pardon Jared because he’s related to me, and that would be completely illegal. But if Ivanka divorces him, then I could pardon him. And then she and I, we’d both be divorced, we’d have that in common, too—the two smartest, blondest, most amazing people in America, maybe in the world, both Trumps, suddenly single. Such a powerful idea. I have goose bumps right now thinking about it.

MITZI: Book a table at Majorelle, nice cozy corner table, tomorrow at 8 p. m., Vanksy and me, tell Secret Service.

NUMBER FIVE: In 2018 Rodrigo definitely becomes secretary of state, for the first time a somewhat foreign secretary of state, plus he’s a minority, so people will love that, hooray President Trump, hooray Presidente Trump, hooray President Trump in Russian with the crazy backward 3 in it, hooray!

NUMBER FIVE: In my second term, when I can start doing whatever I want and my son is old enough to become White House chief of staff, we’ll build the bridge I had him design, the longest in the world, Alaska to Russia, fifty-five miles according to Barron, so much better than NAFTA and so much stronger than the EU, partners again, this time in the war on terror, all our nuclear combined, the first double-super-duper power. Did you know if you scramble the letters in “USA, Sir!” it makes “Russia!”? Amazing, right? I think that’s actually in the Bible.

I know Congress and the Pentagon and “intelligence” and crooked Hillary and sick Obama will fight me on the bridge and the rest of it, like they did against Fredric March in Seven Days in May, like they killed Kennedy. In fact, they could be sending in a secret SWAT team right now to take me out.

“Anthony?”

Anthony didn’t answer. I really should have my own gun. I opened one of the blanket doors on the fort. They muffle everything.

“Anthony?”

“Everything okay in there, Mr. President? Ready to go down for dinner?”

“A-OK, Anthony, Mogul is outstanding, better than ever, skipping dinner tonight, watching the pounds, working on the book, et cetera, just wanted to make sure you’re out there, ha ha ha, in case of enemy things. Thanks.”

What number was I on in my 2018 plan? Whatever.

MITZI:

Make the numbers all go in order. Thanks, Mitzi. You are the best.